Well?

I feel so disassociated from reality - it’s like all of the motions are there but I don’t feel anything. Its been like this since that night and it’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake.

“Man down”

You keep telling yourself, this will be the last one; that you won’t take another life if you make it through. But we all know it’s a lie, for some sickening reason you enjoy it - getting to play the reaper; knowing that you have power and dominion over someone for once in your measly miserable life and if you don’t get caught? Even more reason to keep feeding into the festering temptation.

But that’s the thing, you will eventually get caught and with your most recent stunt? Surprised you haven’t landed yourself in jail yet. The life of a copper, all because you were concerned about him busting you for drugs. What if he had a family? Times ticking, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself in a cell.

It’s time to re-evaluate the situation, stop while you’re ahead and lay low.

I’m not okay.

I thought this trip was supposed to be fun, I was to use it as a tool to keep my mind off of certain things. I fucking killed a man and suddenly by asking for George’s help to dispose of the body, I must be sleeping with him.

We’re always so close to the edge of breaking up, the bad is really bad but the good makes me want to stay. He can absolutely be a bit much to handle but I love him, I just don’t know how much more I’ll be able to take. I’m ran down.

Just one good date night that doesn’t end up in a screaming match, that’s all I’m asking.

So apparently I’m not allowed to proclaim my love for my boyfriend without chicks feeling like I’m attacking them. It isn’t like we didn’t just get over a massive fight due to him using or anything. Like that isn’t a massive trial or something.

Not everything is about you, your name hasn’t even left my mouth since cutting you off. Please get a grip on reality, this is really annoying.

Wow, it really is all about you, huh?

We’re a proper mess, aren’t we? One moment we’re at each others throats because let’s be honest, we’re both a bit fucked up and the next we’re okay again.

I’m used to people leaving, so I guess I tend to try to run before anyone has the chance to leave me. You’ve already caught a glimpse of it and I’m sorry. But turning to the one thing that destroyed you because of it? Yeah, I’m a little disappointed, but I understand it and will never hold that against you.

We will work through this together. If any of this has taught me anything, it’s that I know now that I do properly love you and will do anything I can to protect you.

I’m honestly feeling sick, I’ve never been this angry or upset in me life? It isn’t like me to go spewing hatred or venom, but somehow they brought it out of me and I feel so UGLY right now. The scum of earth.

Maybe I should just dip? Take a long drive with no destination and come back after I’ve found some peace of fucking mind.

If tonight has made me realize anything it’s

A) Bitches ain’t shit.

B) I am not strong enough to blow a hole through the wall with my fist.

And C) I fucking love him.

The fact that I even have to argue with you is ridiculous. Friends don’t call friends baby, friends don’t have friends spend the night when they’re in relationships. maybe in your twisted world but it makes me, the girlfriend uncomfortable and the fact that you can’t respect that, makes me uncomfortable. I don’t have to be your friend, Matty doesn’t have to stop being your friend, I’ve laid out my terms of respect and obviously you don’t respect me or our relationship so why the fuck would I want to hang around someone like that?

Then to try and turn it on me? Sending him half the screenshots to make me look bad? Come on girl, like we don’t talk about everything and I wouldn’t clarify with screenshots of my own. You’re dumb if you thought for a moment I’d let you drag me into your kanieving bullshit.

I never said that I wanted Matty to leave or that you couldn’t be his friend, I just said that I personally can’t be friends with you because I don’t trust you and your actions keep proving my distrust further. You’re trying to manipulate him because you’re scared that he’ll actually come to his senses and realize I’m not being unreasonable.

Never once did I say that I’d rather he relapse or leave me, those words left your mouth to which I simply replied, if he can’t handle it and wants to leave, let him, I can’t make him stay. But of course, you’re going to turn that around on me too. This is stupid.

The more I learn about you the more I want to keep you close, but do you feel the same?

Steamy doesn’t even begin to sum it, you’re dangerous and I love it. Can’t wait to do it again. 😭

Julie London in The Red House (1947)

deeper😈

If you feel this strongly, ask me out idiot.

You look so cool.

Wow, that sucked. Lesson learned, never wear your heart on your sleeve unless you intend to have it broken.