I am writing this out today due to the fact that I was laying in bed after my morning snuggles with Chloe *our red heeler pup* and of course the thoughts started, they never leave my brain. I am one of those people whose brains doesn’t shut down or turn off, even in sleep mode, it’s always going. Anyway, I woke up to Chloe snuggles and kisses, exited her out of the room, went to the bathroom to pee and ran back to the bedroom to try to sleep a little longer as I don’t work until 9 a.m. my time, it was only 5:30 a.m.. Well, sleep didn’t happen, thoughts did and deep cleansing breathe happened. As I lay there, I said my full name (Rachel Ro Todd Wright) out loud and felt empowered, which is odd, that hasn’t happened in a very long time, if at all in my lifetime. I don’t use the Todd part at all, however Todd is my maiden name and for some reason it all came out. I didn’t feel depressed though like I would “normally” feel, I felt this strange empowerment come over me and pure joy. I felt strong and confident.

That is where the thoughts came in, to play with my confidence and strength.

“Wednesday’s child is full of woe”

“You were born Rosemary’s baby”

“You have always been my precious doll and Grandpa’s little one”

So I laid there and thought about these three labels that were put on me since the day I was born. Yes, since I was born, these three sentences were spoken by the three women in my life who should have been stronger, positive, influences and role models for me. The first one was by my maternal grandmother, she told me this my entire life, she led me to believe since I was an infant that being born on Wednesday, I was to be full of woe my entire life. After that is what the nursery rhyme states and so it has to be true, she was already putting the curse or hex on me from the day I was born. The next one was from my own mother, who reminded me everyday that I was “Rosemary’s Baby”, in fact she had me watch the movie to make the point to me. I was a demonic evil child of satan according to her. That is two for two.

Two very negative things said that I heard my entire life, two things that today stick out to me and these are the very first labels put on me since the day I was born. Why would anyone want to do this to a child to start their life with? Why would anyone want to give a child such a negative start to life? These two women should have been nurturing me in my journey of life, instead each one had their own way of holding me back and tearing me down. Am I angry anymore with them? Nope, I have released it finally and today I am able to stand a little taller because I am no longer being bound by those labels.

Now you might say, oh they are only words. I say YES they are words, words and thoughts have magnificent power and strength to them. You can build a strong foundation through life with words, you can also create a horrible destructive life with words.  I allowed those very words to hold me back, to resonate within me that I believed my entire life that I was to always live a life of woe, I was a demonic child. I believed that about myself.

Let me add to the demonic child part of this, when I was young, my mother used to tell me that I had satan in my eyes, she hated having pictures of me because of it, that are her words. To this day, there are very few pictures of myself as a child, she had destroyed most of them, none of which were of me and her together. As I look at the few photos given to me by family members, which I only have a total of 5 maybe, I see a young girl who was trying hard to be happy. I don’t see satan’s child or a child of woe at all, just a little girl trying to shine through the pain and torment of living a life with two very abusive women.

  Now that I am a grown ass woman about to turn forty-seven years old in a less than two weeks, I have begun embarking on this journey more of self discovery, moving past those negative labels bestowed on me since birth. No more am I holding on these negative words, that I carried on me since I was born, it’s been too heavy of a weight to carry for me. I don’t want to be full of woe, full of sorrow, waiting for the bottom to fall out underneath me. I am sitting here now realizing “WOW!! That was put on me when I was born!” Someone spoke those words into my life with the hopes of keeping me down, because they were never truly happy with their own life. It just hit me just now!

Angry? NO

Sad? YES

I feel pity for my mother and maternal grandmother now. Both ladies have been miserable in life, my grandmother has passed on, my mother is still alive. I can say it now and understand it now. They didn’t want me to thrive or grow, they wanted me to stay where they were miserable.

The third quoted statement “You have always been my precious doll and Grandpa’s little one.” was spoken by paternal grandmother. She used to tell me when I was brought home that I looked like a little doll, to her I was precious. I have been told Grandpa gushed when he first saw me, he was in love with his little one. He called me that my entire life. Gram called me her precious doll my entire life. They never once had a negative or hurtful word to say to me. They were for lack of a better word, my parents to me. They were my best friends, my GRAND parents in every essence, they were also my parents to me. They raised me. They gave to me all the good stuff that this world has to offer. Gram was always happy, at least when I was around. I was always happy to be with her and Grandpa, they kept me grounded, centered and always allowed me to be myself. They never once told me how to act, who to be with, what to say, what to believe even. I always believed that I was truly loved by them.

This is why I am proud to say the last name of Todd!! I am proud to be their grand-daughter, to carry their DNA in my blood. It’s on this day that I am boldly stepping out and proclaiming the power in my name!! The only thing I would change if I could is my middle name, it would after my beloved Grandma, something I may look into.

Moving forward I am changing all of my stuff to carry the name of Rachel Ro Wright and on Facebook I can use Rachel Ro Todd attached to it.

I am not full of woe anymore! I am full of happiness and joy!

I am not Rosemary’s baby a demonic child or woman. I am Rosemary’s full grown daughter who is strong, intelligent, successful and full of energy!

I am the proud grand-daughter of William and Cecelia Todd! Precious, very much loved, petite or little and wonderful!

I have hope!

I am loved!

I am strong!

I am intelligent!

I have wisdom!

I am strong!

I am a survivor!

I am a fighter!

I am creative!

I am sexy!

I am beautiful!

I am alive!

I am a fantastic wife!

I am a wonderful and loving woman!

I am a wonderful and loving mother!

I am a wonderful and loving sister!

I am all of these things and so much more!!

Most of all I am Rachel Ro Wright!!!

  Wednesday’s Child, Rosemary’s Baby I am writing this out today due to the fact that I was laying in bed after my morning snuggles with Chloe *our red heeler pup* and of course the thoughts started, they never leave my brain.

I have been taking a timeout from distracting things to give myself time to heal, to think, to find myself not create myself. I don’t believe in creating yourself, I do believe in finding yourself. I lost myself for so many years, in the pursuit of pleasing others to be happy. I was always there deep inside, I just stayed hidden away, waiting for my time to come out and be myself. I can count a few years in my life, where I allowed myself to come out and be known for who I truly was, not who others wanted me to be. I was happiest during those times and I decided that this would be the year I take back the control of my life. I put myself to the fact that this year, I would come out on top and I would find ME!

So without further adieu, I am here to say, Hello, my name is Rachel, I go by Rae, however I am feeling the tug at my heart  to use my birth name and allow nicknames such as Rae, Rach, Rae-Rae and so on. I have been feeling the pull for many years and just have not heeded to it, I was stubborn and fought it. I wanted to be myself, I tried for many years to fight against what others wanted for me, yet as much as I tried to fight it, I became what others wanted. It goes along with the law of attraction, whatever you focus on, comes to you, you even become, be it negative or positive. I became angry, bitter, full of rage towards everyone, including myself. I grew to hate myself with a pure bitter passion. When I moved to Arizona, ten years ago, I adopted the nickname of Rae, due to working at Leslie’s pools, with all guys. To fit in, they called me Rae, it was their name for me, so I took it on and it stuck. As time has been marching on, I am realizing that my heart yearns to be Rachel, not Rae. Why you ask?

I became Rae, a woman who was full of anger, angst and raged on against all that was inside of her. Throughout the years, I have done everything I could to “create myself”, in the pursuit of “creating myself” I found that I lost myself more than I did before. I lost sight of who I am truly deep down. I promised myself that after I got sick in October 2016, that I needed to make 2017 my year. I was determined to find myself, not create myself again. How many times can a person create themselves, when they are already born, created and alive? Therein lies the question for me. I am done “creating myself” and now I am finding myself on a daily basis, which in all honesty has been interesting to say the least.

I work from home, so on my lunches I leave the office and sit outside by myself, on the balcony to just breathe and think for a bit. I have to come to realize that I love working from home, yes I miss working with people, however I love the privacy and security I have in my home. I don’t have to feel as though I am competing with anyone or dealing with kids half my age trying to rattle my chains and get on my nerves. Been there done that, never again if I can help it. I can get up in the morning, have my coffee, sit outside on the balcony with the birds at the feeders and enjoy the morning hours, before work. I can take that time to meditate, clear, ground and center myself before I head to the office to work. I don’t deal with traffic, having to have money to pay for meals or give money to anyone to pay for birthday stuff for others. I don’t mind celebrating other people’s birthdays, however it does get costly when you are expected to put in $5.00-$10.00 for each birthday that rolls around. Not to mention all the pot luck food, you don’t know where that food came from, how others keep their homes.

I love working from home because I love what I do. I love technology, I really do, it fascinates me. I do bitch about it at times, however without it, we cannot keep in touch with loved ones across the country, unless we write letters in snail mail. I know I say all the time, I miss my loved ones who I left in NJ and NY, however social media and texting keeps me close to them.

As far as other things in my life goes, well I have sat here thinking what is my true favorite color. A silly thing like favorite color has plagued me for years, why is this? My entire life, I have always had someone tell me what they think my favorite color is, to please them I agree with them and choose that color. Well, my dears, my all time favorite color is honestly Cranberry Christmas Red along with Forest Green. Those will always be my favorite colors, in fact I will be updating my blog with those colors soon. It’s time to show you who I am really am and not others want me to be. I choose to no longer fit into anyone else’s box or thinking for me. I am unbound now and free to be me.

I have come to know myself so much so that recently I was given information, that should have upset me, it should have shook me to my core. Instead of it doing so, I kinda of knew and had a feeling that an event was about to take place already, in my heart so it did not upset me at all. In fact, I was thrown that my gut feeling was right and then I moved on. I am pretty proud of myself, because the person I used to be, would have went nuts and written all about it. I shared with a trusted few privately and in the process, felt happy that I was not putting any kind of negative energy into it. In fact, I am happy and at peace, no fear at all either.

I have recently started painting again, in fact I found sugar skulls to paint. Painting helps me release my passion and creative energy. I will be creating more of the skulls and selling them for about $50 a piece.

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Since I am now caught up on bills, I have been spoiling myself by buying myself makeup, clothes and perfume. In fact, I found my favorite perfume called Pink Sugar through Groupon and ordered it. I found a blouse in Wish, it came today in the mail, I will be ordering more from there too. I found some tops at Ross and shorts as well, I am embracing myself. I bought myself an Urban Decay makeup palette from Ulta even and TIGI Oatmeal/honey shampoo. I am gradually going blonder as well and growing my hair out to be long again.

What kind of taste do I have in decor? It’s really the shabby chic with a witch’s woodland cottage kind of style.

Everyday I see myself through my own eyes and not through the world’s. I love who I am!

  Hello My Name Is Rachel…. I have been taking a timeout from distracting things to give myself time to heal, to think, to find myself not create myself.

I have been avoiding being around “too many” people anymore. It’s no secret that I work from home for a major company and I just got promoted to a much better position, I also have a raise with this promotion. My life is quiet, completely drama free, very little to no stress at all, yet I am sitting here waiting for the ball to drop on me. Why is this? Why can’t I accept that right now, my life is in a good, no it’s in a GREAT place? Why am I so nervous and afraid to just be happy and celebrate it? I don’t want the ball to drop on us again or should I say the terrifying bomb to drop on us again. WE lived through so many years of shit, that I almost expect shit to happen.

Today is mine and Ron’s 13th year wedding anniversary, 13 has always been a “bad” number according to my superstitious grandparents. They avoided that number at all costs, it was worse on Friday the 13th. For me, I am embracing it and hoping this year of our marriage will be even better for us. That we will be even closer than we already are, if that is even possible. WE do everything together, it’s just me and Ron at all or most times doing anything. We do not hang out with other couples as there are not other couples our age who do not hang out in bars or who do not have kids here in Tucson. We tried to find them, they don’t exist not here. I won’t lie, it would be nice to spend time with at least one other couple, who we can relate to, who has similar interests with us, who will not try to outdo us in life. WE already had that here and we both made a decision to end that relationship with both people, it was draining to us both. Anyway, today is our anniversary and as fate would have it, I am off as it’s my normal day off and he is working of course. Not to mention my fat bonus that I have been waiting for since July 7th still has not been paid out to me, so we are not able to do what we planned. WE were going to go to either the casino or Dave & Buster’s and be little kids having some fun. WE decided when the bonus comes, we are going to get sugar skull tattoos instead together, we are a tattooed and pierced couple.

I was looking back at a picture of myself, which I shared on Facebook I think it was yesterday and of course, it brought up many different emotions for me. 

In this picture, I see pure happiness, pure joy and the woman I used to be. It’s upsetting how much I have changed since this time (2009). I miss that woman I was and want her back. What happened to her? Well here is what happened—-THE BOMB hit!! A big, fat, piece of shit BOMB hit and exploded all over me, devastating who I was and I am still cleaning up the aftermath of it all. In all honesty, if hear one more person telling me to “get over it”, I am going to snap, go insanely crazy, scream my brains at them and quite possibly if they are in punching distance, punch the ever loving piss out of them. If anyone tells me to see a shrink, I am going to do the same, I do not believe in shrinks, they are more dangerous and toxic than going through it on our own with all their medications. For me, it’s a matter of embracing the happiness, the joy, the peace, drama free life I have now. It’s about accepting the fact that I can be happy and fuck anyone who thinks otherwise.

So what is wrong with me? I know this in my heart and my head, then the double guessing and overthinking starts. I start to think “OH shit! Who is going to tell me I am too positive, too happy, too much of anything, too confident, too sexual, too perverted, too fat.”

Want to know how I am?

Want to know what I like but I don’t always show you?

Here it is:

I am woman who thoroughly enjoys sex with her husband, I crave him in fact. There I said it!! If that makes me a pervert so be it! I am not our whoring around, I have sex with him and only him, we are not doing anything bad at all. I look at Adam & Eve website, Fredericks of Hollywood, I enjoy those websites. I enjoy Game of Thrones and True Blood and the sexual scenes do not bother me at all. There I said that too!! I am so tired of keeping it in!! Tired of hiding who I am. WE hold hands in public, we hug in public, we kiss in public, we are full on public display of affection people, don’t like it, don’t look!! I would be affectionate in public, then miserable like most people nowadays.

I am a witch, yes I am a witch. Although, I double guess and doubt my own self power a lot. I pushed that part of myself deep down inside, to appease my family members who insisted I must be a Christian like them. Stupid part, most of them don’t walk the walk, they sure as shit can talk it though or post it on Facebook and other social media grounds. Yes!! I called them out!! When you are full on Christian, you truly walk that walk and not just talk that shit, then maybe, NAH, who am I kidding, I won’t hear you anymore. I want to bring this wildly, wicked, yet sweet witch back in me and let her fly loose and free. I want my power back! I want it back so boldly and strong, that I can honestly taste that passion everyday and it frustrates me. I know it’s only me restraining myself. Why? What am I so afraid of? I have tasted my own power in New Jersey, it was strong there, I didn’t give a flying monkey ass what anyone said or did to try to stop me. I was full blown insanely powerful. I want it back!!

I am the one person who gets what she wants in life. I don’t usually give up easily, I am extremely persistent and I never ask for help in getting what I want. I just get up and do it myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to do a thing for me. I must get out and do it myself. This I think frustrates Ron and a few others. I don’t tell people what I am going through mentally or emotionally or physically for that matter. I keep it anymore. I keep silent and do what I need to do for me. I learned throughout the years that you cannot count on anyone to be there for you, if you do, you only get backstabbed in the end. Yes, this is how I feel. My trust is pretty much depleted in so many people. I can count on one hand the ones I truly count as friends. Even with them, I wonder if they really do care or do they talk shit about me behind my back too. I have been burned too many times to count. At the same time, it would be nice to just depend on at least one person to pick me up, to ask if I am okay, to be there for me. I am exhausted from being there for everyone else, from giving my all to others and getting shit in return. Sometimes all I do crave that “Hey Rae, how are you today?” then the listening ear to just hear me talk, laugh, cry, scream or whatever, no judgments, no “words of wisdom”, no advice to be given. Just hear me, hear my heart and what is on my mind. I am the woman, who is always there for her loved ones, friends, family, fur babies and so on. I give of myself fully, whole heartedly and I don’t ask for anything back really. I give freely and I don’t throw it in your face if I helped you. I had that happen to me too many times since I was born, nothing ever came freely in my family, there were always conditions and strings attached. It’s how I became so independent. This is the worst part of being so independent, no one realizes that even though some of us are extremely independent, that there are times in our lives we want to depend on someone else for a change. It takes pressure off of us, the stress and the anxiety.

I am not a skinny minnie kind of woman. I am plump, I am now a size 15 at 5′ tall, I am very self conscious over this as it is, so I do not need anyone telling me how “fat” I am now. I have tried Atkins and so many countless diet pills, nothing works for long. I found that one slip up, I end up beating myself up over it, getting depressed, bawling my eyes out and it’s a big fat hot mess. So I gave up “dieting”. I heard this statement made by Taryn Brumfitt, where she said “DIET…what is the first three letters of that word…DIE. Yeah I don’t want to do anything with that word in it.” It made me giggle and really think it over, she is so right. Diet, we die to foods that others tell us not to eat and meanwhile we are dying inside when we don’t eat certain foods. I used to do Atkins and I did away with all carbs, yes I lost a lot of weight and at the same time I was miserable counting carbs, eating this and not that.

I was never truly happy on Atkins or trying to lose weight at all. When I was at my heaviest, which I now weigh again, I felt sexy, beautiful and confident. When I lost all the weight, I worried constantly if I was going to keep it off. I had constipation issues, my urine was bad, I developed kidney stones, I almost died from septic shock. I gave up diets and all that craziness of trying to lose weight. I used to do that blasted treadmill daily at our free gym, going no-where, other than insane trying to lose the weight. I am not a skinny minnie at all, I am a curvy petite short woman.

I am and always will be a successful woman in whatever I do. I went back to work after my near death experience in October, in March and I have already had a raise and now I am promoted to a higher department with another raise coming. I bust my ass and work hard at what I do. I can be confident in that and yes I am a bit conceited in that area of my life. When I hear someone else try to “one up” me, as I have had in the recent past, I have to remind myself they are only talking shit, look at the person and see where they are now and take it from it comes from. If you read this and think “Oh, she is talking about me.” chances are you are right!! I have always excelled at school and work. I always strive to be the best at everything I do. It’s who I am and I can say I am proud of that part of me.

I am a self proclaimed writer, a blogger of sorts. I don’t write about fashion trends, makeup trends, witchcraft with spells or potions or political stuff  as that is not me. I just write whatever the fuck I want to write about. I feel as though I am not meant to fit into any one kind of box or stereotype. Too many people want to fit in, I want to stand out and have a real voice, not appease the masses at all. I want to be able to passionate and free with my writings and hold nothing back. If it burns your eyes out, don’t read it. If you like what I say, feel free to comment, feel free to share.

I have run out of things to say at this point.

I just want to know how I can write this out and yet when it comes down to it, I double guess and doubt what I wrote out. I know these things are true.

    **NSFW** What The **Bleep** Is Wrong With Me? **NSFW** I have been avoiding being around "too many" people anymore. It's no secret that I work from home for a major company and I just got promoted to a much better position, I also have a raise with this promotion.

TOOT TOOT Goes My Horn!!

TOOT TOOT Goes My Horn!!

My friend Vickie, who has been doing the 30 day blog challenge with me and myself have each decided to not do this challenge. I have been trying to write one response to a prompt and each time I write it, I get upset, start to bawl, then I get angry and there is no relief in sight with it. So I am done with this whole blog challenge, it was supposed to be fun for us to do, the further we go into…

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Next - Too Close

It’s definitely Friday and I am feeling today. 

30 Days Of Truth: Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

30 Days Of Truth: Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

My prompt today is to write a letter to a band or artist has gotten me through some tough ass days.

It’s so funny, I figured this one would be hard to write for me, as I love music in general and I listen to all kinds of music with the exception of rap music or hard core heavy metal.

My choices are pretty old school and to write a letter well that is easier said than done for me.

What would you…

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30 Days of Truth: Day 12 Something I Never Get Compliments On

30 Days of Truth: Day 12 Something I Never Get Compliments On

Seriously, this is something I do not even think about, if I worried about what others do not compliment on, I would be crazier than I already am.

At this point of my life, I have stopped looking for someone else to compliment, blow smoke up my ass or tell me how “wonderful” I am at anything. I have even gotten to a point where I don’t give a rat’s ass about what I don’t get complimented about. I…

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Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up

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A song that makes me think of me and hubb

30 Days Of Truth: Day 11 What Do I Get Complimented On A Lot?

30 Days Of Truth: Day 11 What Do I Get Complimented On A Lot?

Well for me, I work from home, so I don’t see people face to face most days. The main thing I always get complimented on, is my customer service skills. How I go above and beyond for my customers. I am not one of those technical support agents who wants to rush you off the phone, in order to “save” their AHT (average handling time) or get to the next customer because “it makes them look good”. I…

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30 Days Of Truth: Day 10 Someone I really need to let go of.

30 Days Of Truth: Day 10 Someone I really need to let go of.

I posted the other day about people who treated me horribly and as such I have to say that I really need to let those people go, in order to be healthy. In letting go of the horrible chains of anger and hatred, I can fully heal inside out.

I need to fully let go of my biological sister Ginni, as much as it tears my heart apart. Today I wanted to just reach out to her on Facebook and share amazing…

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Looking Back While Moving Forward

Looking Back While Moving Forward

Sometimes looking back is not always a bad thing to do for ourselves, sometimes looking back helps us to see how far we have come from where we used to be. Sometimes looking back helps us to see parts of ourselves that we may be missing out on, parts of ourselves left behind due to life circumstances. While moving forward in life, it is okay to look back, so see the stuff you want to leave…

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30 Days Of Truth: Day 09 Someone You Didn’t Want To Let Go, But Just Drifted.

30 Days Of Truth: Day 09 Someone You Didn’t Want To Let Go, But Just Drifted.

I think the hardest person for me to lose in my life was my biological sister Ginni, we didn’t drift apart at all, it was more like she didn’t want the relationship I wanted. I miss her so much every day that passes. It’s so strange for me to write because in all honesty, we never really close at all, not growing up, not in early adulthood, not even in adulthood. We had 4 years 2012-2016, where…

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30 Days Of Truth: Day 8 Someone Who Made My Life Hell While Treating Me Like Shit!!

30 Days Of Truth: Day 8 Someone Who Made My Life Hell While Treating Me Like Shit!!

I think anyone who honestly knows me, knows who is on this list. In a couple of days, my question is “Who do I need to let go of” and all of these people will be on that list as well, most of them anyway.

I know, I know, we are told through life to “forgive and forget”, as a former Christian, I tried really really hard to do this! I need to be honest, I am an imperfect human being, as an…

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30 Days of Truth: Day 07 Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

30 Days of Truth: Day 07 Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

This was yesterday’s prompt, I will say the same answer that I always would answer no matter what. The biggest person who makes my life worth living is Ron, my hubby. He rescued me from a very bad, dark place in my life. Ron and I met in 1989, he had feelings for me since that time, he never really came out and told me so or so I thought. Although, he did say “How about a little fries with that…

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30 Days of Truth: Something I Hope I Never Have To Do

30 Days of Truth: Something I Hope I Never Have To Do

Okay so let’s be realistic, I cannot say I hope to never have to bury my husband, because one of us will be going before the other, it would be nice to pass away together, we need to be realistic here.

I think for me at this time in my life is that I hope I never have to just up on life completely. Yes, I have talked about committing suicide and saying I would be better off dead, in all reality,…

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30 Days of Truth: What Do I Hope To Do With My Life?

30 Days of Truth: What Do I Hope To Do With My Life?

OH boy!!

I was just laughing about this with my best friend Becky.

I told her that my number one answer is move the hell out of Tucson!! Now! Don’t get me wrong, I love Arizona I still do, I cannot stand Tucson much. I feel as though, I have outgrown it here. The people are not friendly at all, been here 10+ years and still no friends here, they are rude as fuck, everyone is out for themselves.…

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