IKEA has a guy they will send to help you assemble your new bed. I’m the guy who will help you break down your old one.

My girl doesn’t need handcuffs. She’s trained.

I haven’t seen you in a long time. You smile at me, so cute. But this is all my twisted mind sees.

Reminds you of somebody?

I don’t know where my new neighbors are from or what language they speak, but they think I’m a private aerobics instructor and my name is Ohyeah Fuckyess.

My girl does it good.

Happiness is a warm gun, mama.

I say good morning the same way I said goodnight.

There’s only one taste I constantly crave.

Have you been thinking about me?

“Oh my god,” she whined, “why are you still so hard? You already came!”

I say hello like I really mean it.

Let’s meet up for a drink tonight.

My girl does it good.

Be my Valentine?

Just my way of saying good morning.

This is the only heart-shaped package I want for Valentine’s Day.