Lost at sea..

Im so scared of being alone.. the fact my family has stressed my boyfriend out the point where he’s gotten sick, he’s not eating, and he smokes way more... him wanting to moving out.. not being able to see him.. I’m so scared.. I know “if its meant to be, it’ll make yall stronger”... but what if we arent... what if I’m left alone.. I’m tired of being alone... I’m supposed to be an adult now... No one ever warns you of the loneliness... the strength you need to keep going.. The fears.. I feel so childish and selfish for all these thoughts... I’m afraid without him.. I’ll stop trying.. I am so dependent... so immature.. so foolish.. I want to move out and be away from my family.. they are toxic fumes to me... but without those fumes.. I cant have health insurance or my car.. or a reasonable car insurance policy... I’ve become so dependent on the ones who poison me and the one who wants to leave... Its so hard to process this pain.. I just feel sad, alone, & helpless.. like I’m stuck in a deep pit without a ladder.. I’m so scared.. he told me to live.. dont let fear overcome me.. to keep going in the face of fear.. I cant.. I dont know what to do.. I’ve become so mentally fucked up.. I cant even learn to help myself grow... I’ve only gotten this far because I had training wheels.. without them I’d simply plummet.. I’m just lost right now.. I cant imagine how lost I’d be without you... You tell me its not a good thing to “love so much”... I’m sorry.. I thought we could grow together.. was I mistaken to think I could rely on you to help me? You see crying as pointless... how.. its the only sane thing for me right now..