kvetchingfire - Tumblr blog

kvetchingfire · 7 years

Video

20K notes · View notes

kvetchingfire · 7 years

Video

youtube

OUR SHORT FILM IS OFFICIALLY OUT!

Share! Comment! Subscribe! (If you don’t, it’s homophobic.)

6 notes · View notes

kvetchingfire · 7 years

Video

Tuck it Trinity!

12K notes · View notes

kvetchingfire · 7 years

Photo

369K notes · View notes

kvetchingfire · 7 years

Text

Paul and I unearthed some truths. Follow our new comedy blog!!

EXCLUSIVE: Timelog of the Dustin Lance Black / Tom Daley Wedding

To Whom It May Concern:

We’ve recently procured a timelog of the wedding of Tom Daley (TD) and Dustin Lance Black (DLB) on May 6, 2017. The author remains unknown. At great personal risk, we’ve decided to leak the full document as found, adding notes/links to provide context. Read at your own discretion.

-J & P

THE MORNING - BOVEY CASTLE GROUNDS

MAY 6, 2017

08:00: Families of betrothed and wedding staff arrive.

08:05 Ferret and his trainer arrive at the castle grounds, to entertain the children TD’s guests.

08:47: The eagle trainer arrives with eagle, Rosie. TD wants to say hi, is too scared.

09:22 Burberry arrives, fits DLB for suit, sprays suit-like body paint onto TD.

09:44 TD roams Bovey Castle, asks who knows how to tie a tie.

10:50 Photography team assembles, are met by the couple and their families.

11:14 DLB and TD arrive at bridge for photoshoot planned for 11:00.

11:15 TD decides he “wants to feed the duckies,” sends someone to get whole grain millet bread to feed them.

11:38 TD names duckling ‘Duckie.’

11:39 Rosie the Eagle flies by, eviscerates ‘Duckie.’ Metaphor not lost on DLB.

11:40 TD cries. (1/3)

11:45 The photoshoot begins. This photo is taken.

12:50 Photoshoot ends, DLB approves two photos to be posted to instagram. [editor’s note: whether or not FaceTune was used is, at the time of publication, unknown]

13:00 Guests begin to take their seats on either TD’s or DLB’s side of the aisle (twinks, older twinks, respectively).

13:03 Willam sits on twink side. Side eye is given.

13:02 DLB’s cousin pooped on (Rosie).

THE CEREMONY - BOVEY CASTLE GARDENS

13:15 Ceremony begins.

13:18 TD walks down the aisle to the London Gay Men’s chorus’ all-baritenor arrangement of One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful.”

13:18 DLB sees TD walk down the aisle, and he “can’t wipe the silly [sic] grin [sic] off his damn face.”

13:23 Willam steps up to give a reading, misunderstands concept.

13:47 Vows begin.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: the notes here were unclear at best, covered by Rosie the Eagle’s poop at worst. We’ve transcribed the quotes we could decipher.]

13:48 Priest explains the couple has written their own DLB has written the couple’s vows.

13:49 TD begins his vows. “Dustin, … [indecipherable] … to have and to hold … [indecipherable] … I vow to keep Sam Smith blocked on all social media … [indecipherable] … richer, or for poorer… [indecipherable] …abide by the parental controls you set on my Snapchat.”

13:55 DLB begins his vows. “Tom, I … [indecipherable] … which has complete historical precedent in ancient Greece, where it was seen as almost a ‘mentor-like’ relationship … [indecipherable] … in sickness, and in health, I … [indecipherable] … and although When We Rise never quite found its audience, its impact … [indecipherable] … with this ring, I thee wed.

14:08 DLB reaches back towards a groomsman, who sighs, then reluctantly hands him his Oscar statuette. “Well, THAT’S not a ring!” Dustin says, panning around grinning. No one laughs.

14:09 TD hands DLB his ring. “I give you this ring. It’s bronze which is really just as nice as a gold ring, and is still the third-best possible ring that anyone could–”

14:10 TD cries. (2/3)

14:11 The priest says ”speak now or forever hold your peace.” There are no objections. TD’s mother looks around: wistful, yet resigned.

14:12 “I now pronounce you: married.” Crowd cheers. Rosie screeches.

THE RECEPTION - BOVEY CASTLE BALLROOM

15:34 Guests begin filing into the ballroom.

18:01 Guests seen half-heartedly moving “protein balls” around floral wedding china.

18:24 DLB’s best man gives toast: “I first met Dustin when we were both sophomores at UCLA– (TD exclaims, “That’s the year i was born!” gleefully.) –and who could’ve guessed, only 48 years after Marsha P. Johnson threw that brick…” (TD whispers to DLB: “Is she a friend of yours?”)

18:34 TD’s best man gives toast: “My mum said I could go to this, but she said I had to pay to rent my own tux which kinda blows. Stoked for my mate Tom-O though, this party bloody rules! Anyway, in December of year 10 [editor’s note: 9th grade] of Eggbuckland [editor’s note: a real place] we saw Dustin give his bloody awesome speech after winning the Oscar for this old Hollywood movie, ‘Milk.’ TD turned to me and said ‘I’m gonna marry that man. Also, can you ask your mum if I can have another soda?’ And guess what? He got both.”

18:58 Guests mill about ballroom. Grindr notifications chime.

19:00 TD shouts: “There’s got to be almost 1000 presents! Can I open one now?”

19:00 DLB says no.

19:01 TD cries. (3/3)

19:08 Willam escorts DLB’s cousin to the men’s bathroom.

19:25 DLB seen cornering speaking to several guests: “…and there’s only so much you can do as a creator! At a certain point ABC just didn’t put in the budget for publicity so what’re you gonna do? I’m over it! You know? On to the next…”

19:31 DLB’s cousin pooped on again (Willam).

19:45 TD overheard talking to guest: “…knew we wanted a classic English wedding, because the culture means so much to us, and most of my friends don’t have fake IDs, so they can’t drink in the states…”

20:03 DLB and TD cut cake together (“Dustin always helps me when I use the big knife.”).

20:05 Cake is served.

20:45 Couple introduced by wedding singer as “Mr. and Mr. Lance Black.”

20:46 Couple has their first dance. Onlookers describe “lots of PDA,” “what looked like maybe lunges on Tom’s end?” and “a general feeling of foreboding.”

21:50 Guests begin to dance. Astute observers recognize the tunes as TD’s workout playlist.

23:00 Fireworks.

23:02 As fireworks continue, DLB seen whispering something (instructions?) to Rosie the Eagle. She flies off with a screech.

23:46 Guest begin to leave.

MAY 7, 2017

01:02 Dustin Lance Black positively TRASHES that ass.

01:24 Rosie screeches. She’s found me in the air vent over their bedroom. Sam Smith’s eyeball is clutched in her beak. I’ve been compromised. If you find this journal tell the Emmy eligibility committee that I [transcript ends.]

Unfortunately, the transcript ends here. If anyone has any more information, or a working link to Dustin Lance Black’s sex tape, PLEASE send a twitter direct message to @jlazebnik or @orangepaulp.

10 notes · View notes

kvetchingfire · 7 years

Photo