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2022年中总结

1月

Dessert【1.3】

林娜琏看得兴致盎然，闹剧终止于名井南无力倒回她身上，脑袋从颈窝顶上来，幼鹿同母亲玩闹一样和她表示亲昵。

她笑着抚了抚名井后背，忽然嘶了一声，脖子上麻麻地疼。

“我的。”名井小声说。

她嘴唇有些干燥，声气抵着侧颈脉搏微微振动。林娜琏却完全融化了，低头亲了亲她发顶，手掌温厚地拢住她后颈，柔声说：“嗯，你的。”

名井南闭上眼，像靠在她怀里陷入了睡眠。

但林娜琏知道她没有，抚了两下，又问：“南刚才留了吻痕吗？”

“嗯。”名井的声音紧贴皮肤，闷闷的。

“那你可以多留几个。”林娜琏托住她的脸，手指按在鬓角，把散落的发丝轻轻柔柔梳到脑后。“做什么都可以，知道吗？……别担心，假期结束的时候痕迹就淡了，南要抓紧。”

名井南埋在她肩上，默了一会才点头，沿着肩颈线条细慢吻下去，去用嘴唇描摹她身体的轮廓。她太瘦，一起一伏都像水墨画的清秀山峦，呼吸时骨骼从薄薄的皮肉里透出来，坚硬地抵在名井柔软的唇上——坚硬到不会让人产生一丝对单弱的联想。名井南想起这个人骨子里决绝的部分，但此时一下下为自己顺拢头发的动作又这样温柔。

欲望似乎沉睡了，名井想把柔软的东西留住。最后她轻轻吻了一下女人的小腹，闭上眼，温暖地依偎在那里。

七年之痒【1.5】

沉默在她们之间并不奇怪。名井南也沉浸了一会，坐起来扣住平井桃后颈，将她带过来亲吻。平井顺从地撑着床沿跪坐起来，感受到对方温暖的手心攀上脑后，拇指轻轻刮了两下耳鬓，接着就像预料的那样，埋进细软的头发里。

名井其实很久没这样吻过她，她不确定名井是不是故意的——想提醒她，“我没有变”。

她知道未来有无数琐碎平凡的日子在等着她，但这一刻心跳声叩着胸口，那震动似乎传遍全身，连指尖都随心脏搏动着。每叩一下，她铭记的、确信的、珍视的，都会涌上来，像一口永不干涸、永远汩汩流动的泉水，焕新提醒她她的爱。她好爱这个人。

她好爱、好爱这个人。

Flawless Ending【1.15】

颀长默然的影子悬在名井上方，像午夜显形于教堂神像阴影里的神灵。

Swap【1.20】

“Can I do that to you too, Mitang?” She asked softly, and Mina trembled slightly as she traced the back of her ear with her lips, her breath warm but not sultry. “May I, have you squirm and cry on my lap for me, too?”

Her voice was quiet and steady still despite the question, but the girl beneath her practically stiffened. Something that both women, between whom Mina was sandwiched, had picked up, and they couldn’t help but crack into laughter.

“Let her breathe, Momo!” Nayeon called the older of the two out, hugging the maknae here closer to herself, protecting her with words and action from Momo’s “assault”. Then she smirked glancing down at Momo’s crotch. “And you are much like the pot calling the kettle black.”

“Well.” Momo giggled, looking unbothered. The tone she’d used with Mina, though, was borderlining joking when indeed it wasn’t. It wasn’t hard to tell that she wanted to do it, and given consent she would when the time had arrived.

bend for you【1.28】

为我屈从，这个认知让人心旌摇曳、心驰神往。心跳像漆黑丛林里被聚光灯照出的鹿，先是停拍，然后狂奔疾跑。鹿被恐惧驱使，心却因掌控感急速跳跃，只要她愿意，就可以令这个甘愿让渡主动权、为她折下腰的人快乐。

于是，这个人——平井桃爱抚她，亲吻她，取悦她，让她像琴弦被拨弄，每一下都会带出通体的震颤，然后在未散的余音里弹出下一声。

真实的人如是，镜中人如是，她目睹镜中，就是一次次确认：对方的降服与恭顺，她的统领、她的力量。

而愉悦成倍叠加，这一切感觉不逊色高潮……或许还要好。

2月

初开【2.12】

房间安静得能听见名井的吞咽声，崇敬地品味圣酒一般，殷切而虔诚地饮用她，经历多少次都会战栗。平井的腿搭在名井肩上，努力让腿保持张开，脚踝却不由自主地在她背心扣紧了。羞耻将将临界，名井正好松开，侧着头靠在她大腿上，两人都有些喘息。

无话的这一刻，平井捋着名井的发丝，心里涌起一阵怜爱，握住她后颈低下头去亲她的眉心。名井心领神会，撑着床支起上身，放任平井的唇舌侵进来，温驯地接纳着她。平井在她嘴里尝到自己的味道，身下微妙地又湿了一点，分开才看见她嘴角流着晶莹的一片，抿着唇把水渍抹掉了。

听【2.24】

她想起自己想说的“那些话”，又浮想朴志效会对她说什么——只是这样就起了反应，好像真正的朴志效已经从话语里走出来，带着偶一为之的任性和仅仅对她的狎昵，触及到她。

寂静了数秒，她听到对方那口气徐徐舒出来，取而代之是另一种紧张：“我这么讲会太过分了吗？”

名井南定格了一会，才摇了摇头，然后想起对方看不到。她把侧脸压进枕头，握成拳的那只手抵着咚咚狂跳的心脏。

“不，”她屏着呼吸，聆听期待敲击胸膛——我的、我的、我的。“继续说。”

3月

Tenderly【3.14】

平井在她身下唔了一声，深吸一口气，饱满的乳房跟着挺起来，烫着孙彩瑛薄薄的胸口。水珠一滴滴从孙彩瑛肩膀坠到平井身上，消失在池水里。

亲吻渐浓渐深，平井桃的另一只手不自觉搭住孙彩瑛后背，指腹摩着她的肩胛。明明手是湿的，按压的力道轻得像水珠滚落，却激起一串粗砺的麻悸。

这时孙彩瑛才理解平井桃说的“瘦”是什么概念。

她早就了然自己什么身材，清秀到有些利落，即使不拿这做文章，也自然构成她气质的一部分。但她没有想过被这样触碰时会由深处泛出欲望，游走在肢体各处，让她觉得自己和平时……是不一样的，而她不知道自己现在是什么样子。

结【3.25】

“是姐姐不来找我。”名井南轻声说道，支起上身向下望。她湿润的发梢微微刮蹭林娜琏的脸颊，和她的眼神一样攥住林娜琏的呼吸。林娜琏偏过头，滚烫的耳廓贴着凉浸浸的床单，分不清是肾上腺素还是电流在身体里流窜，让她感到刺痛。

与喜欢的人对视，如被蜂蜇。何况喜欢的人这会儿做的还不止和她对视。

名井膝行退后，在床边跪下，将林娜琏从层层织物里剥出来捧住再含住。湿热的唇腔裹着她吮吸吞咽，把她最敏感也最脆弱的地方噙在自己喉咙深处的颤动里。

林娜琏膝盖一跳，腰弓成桥，按住埋在腿间那颗脑袋仰头喘息起来。她不自觉抬手挡住眼睛，想起抑制剂效应开始消退的日子，自己也如此仰身握着性器自慰。手臂半遮视线，肘弯里小小的针孔晃动成残影，一次又一次直到高潮。

画面重叠，这回却舒服得神思模糊，做梦般恍惚。体内燥热感蒸腾升高，无处不胀痛而酸软，亟待这绵钝的痛和痒化散开，容许自己一刻狼狈不堪。然而就在这时，有人“唔”了一声，接着那比自己的手舒服一百倍的触感离开了她。

林娜琏喘得说不出话，不悦又慌张地往下看的同时那个人攀上来抵她的额头，鼻息断断续续烘着脸颊。看着那张脸、那个人，她感到颓败，张口却提不出要求，只有一声指向不明的呻吟。

“南……”她像溺水得救又被松开手的人一样看着她，不解、失望、绝望地挣最后一线希望，但选择权在对方手中。

……

她答应过名井，不会再那么做。在最初的时候她就这样承诺过，如果说当时只是愧疚歉然惶惶不安，往后每一次，都有另一种矛盾相生的情感在上浮、变得明晰。

她的怜惜，和恐惧被拒绝。

她渴望被接受，以至于没有设想过被接受后该如何面对。

“南，”易感期理性本来容易脱缰，林娜琏深吸一口气，将躁动的原始欲望逐回幽暗本我领地。“不要勉强自己。”

“是你在勉强自己。”名井南伸手搂她的脖子，将她带下来，湿润的臂弯圈着颈后，又温暖，又依赖。“你才是总对我好，又不给我机会对你好的，坏姐姐。”

林娜琏仍觉难以置信，在她颈边埋了一会，闷声问：“确定吗？”

“什么确定吗？”名井拍着她后背笑了，“确定你是坏姐姐，还是我是坏孩子？”

林娜琏怔了怔，迟疑抬头，半晌眼角一动，捧住名井的脸，凑上去咬她的下唇。总归舍不得，齿尖一用力就放开，了然的重量只有几分咬在字上：“坏孩子。”

她说这话时指腹压住名井颈后的腺体，不出意外听见一声闷哼。而后虎口慢慢收束，血脉在拇指边一颤一颤，呼吸进出狭窄气管，短促而艰难。

名井南扬起脸，抬手捋进她发丝。林娜琏终于看见她瞳孔漾得很大，光彩有些散，似乎期待又迷茫。

她往名井腰下垫了个枕头，另一只手掐住她的腰又慢又深地送着胯，看那双眼睛从清透到蒙上薄雾光泽，掌根推到颈侧，力道一分没松。林娜琏扼着她，拇指摩挲她下颌，感受她在轻微窒息中无声而剧烈的高潮，忽然笑道：“我也是坏姐姐。”

……

名井南笑了一笑，这回没说是，也没说不是，手按着凸起的脊骨一节节摸上来，压住那两片薄薄的蝴蝶骨。林娜琏还未想明白自己该有何期待，就被一翻身压了下去。

姿态角度变换期间，交合处磨出涩意，黏滞到深处是刺激。一手撑着林娜琏小腹，名井南毫不顾忌地低喘，直到稳稳跨坐在她腰上。

现在轮到她身居高处，做注视的一方。她俯身端详林娜琏，影子和视线匀匀铺洒下来。林娜琏回望她，任由她牵引自己的手往衣服里探，逐寸攀上去，赤裸裸的色情，声音却怯得发颤。

“其实你来之前，很久以前，我就一直在想你了。”

从一开始就是。

想要你，也想对你好。你照顾我，已经足够多。

林娜琏突然意识到，自己在上面还是下面，结局都是一样的。你越是小心翼翼，待她像一划即破的蛛丝、一碾就碎的娇柔花瓣，她越要向你证明这全是你一意孤行、精心营造的幻觉。你被自己的幻觉溺住了。

林娜琏暂未意识到的是，名井南交给她全部，包括脆弱。于是她当真一次，就痛快一次，也懊悔一次——发现自己太信她，反而将她爱坏了。

她将用漫长的时间学会这一点：如何恰如其分地爱名井南。

但当下她只摸到名井衣下空荡荡，像驯兽师被一手养大的白虎按在磨平利爪的虎掌下一样惊愕新奇，不安又深知并无威胁……她未曾放肆过懊悔过，正要第一次当真。

4月

Beggin’【4.18】

脖子被箍着，能喘气的嘴也被林娜琏堵住了，平井桃被松开很长一段时间都记不起是窒息还是快感先来，或者两者都让彼此浓度高如谋杀。

Bet【4.25】

She looked like she almost wanted to reach down and feel the wetness herself, with her own fingers, not just for the sake of proving her point but also because she genuinely wanted to. With a nod of affirmation she would do so gratefully, showing no hesitancy whatsoever. And those fingers would be licked clean, the act arousing Jeongyeon even more, before she replaced them with something else, which Jeongyeon knew would unlikely be her mouth judging from the look of things.

She also sounded amused, which Jeongyeon felt both intimated and consoled by. Maybe feeling a bit enticed by the idea even. Nonetheless, she held her stance, though less firmly. “That’s not the same thing.”

…

And somehow there was something endearing in the way Nayeon did this. Making it almost like a cat that snuggles up to you, calling for your attention and caresses. It confounded Jeongyeon just how she managed to appear both ingratiating and controlling at the same time.

5月

无保留【5.19】

平井桃呆呆地“噢”了一声。她有时记不起志效的队长身份，现在则觉得这把声音既不是恋人也不是队长，而属于某种在两者之上的所在。而说不上来为什么——或者她其实很明白——自己被训斥了，有些惭愧，又竟然为这愧意感到快乐，有顽劣的冲动。想被这个人包容，也想被她惩罚。

……

她并非刻意卖关子，只是喜欢那一刻的感觉，喜欢平井像调皮的孩子用安分向母亲无声示爱……求爱。

诚然，调皮也是爱的一种表达，与安分一样，都在尝试证明什么、请求什么。但在这种时刻，两者显得尤其一体两面、界线模糊，以至于朴志效想停在这里久一点，迷失久一点。

……

朴志效把手拿远了些，在阴户附近打转。她拈起一道粘稠的水液举到平井桃面前，在分开的指间拉出丝状，贴着她的那边脸颊立刻滚烫了。对方紧贴着自己的微弱战栗让她心跳停摆了一拍，像是她不为人知的战栗来自心里，平井流露出的同源的恐惧和期待诱惑着她。

“你好像很喜欢这样，嗯？”她低下头，手指压住平井舌尖碾了碾，“喜欢被摆成这样的姿势，一点也不觉得羞耻。”她顿了顿，被津液打湿的指尖仿佛羽毛扫下这具身体，压低声音，“她们都该看看你现在的样子，为了我把腿张得这么开……练舞拉伸的时候会想起我在干你吗？”

震动感徐徐往中心靠拢，实际离上一次高潮没过多久，阴蒂像钻出泥土的嫩芽一样顶开湿润的肉缝，一点刺激都能让平井绷起足尖。但她没有。她只是往志效怀里瑟缩了一下，像只怯弱无助的动物幼崽，仅靠言语就可以令其呜呜低鸣。

“……志效。”她紧紧拽住朴志效的睡裤一角，似乎想说什么。但朴志效侧过头吻住她，不容置疑地侵了进来。

嘘。

……

朴志效拉住她的手，蹭蹭她脸颊，“还好吗？”

“……可以的。”平井桃体型比她高却被她框着，不自在地扭了扭。她静默了会，沙哑的声音被压得更轻更低：“你想要，我就可以的。”

朴志效怔了片刻，叹了口气，探身把床头柜上的半杯水捞过来，“我不是说那个……先喝点水。”她犹豫一下，又说：“那样我太过分了。”

“我同意的话，就不算吧？“平井桃含着杯沿小口啜饮，噙着虚弱的微笑冲她眨眨眼。

“我不想那样对你，”她声音渐弱下去，过了会才重振旗鼓，说出自己的顾虑，“你还和人有约不是吗？”

平井桃安静地抱着杯子看着她，朴志效琢磨不出她这时神色里的天真是故意抑或无意的，可惜在想明白前就有一只手够到她脑后，把她按到自己嘴唇上。这回轮到她轻哼一声，隐约感觉到平井把空杯子在一边放好，牵着她的手把她带回刚才的位置，带她慢悠悠地晃动手腕。

“可是我想你干我。”还敏感的身体又微微弓起来，平井的语调和姿态都有种半梦半醒、让朴志效怀疑她是否还记得平井桃是谁的恍惚。也许平井桃并不在乎自己是谁，只要抱着她、容纳她的人是朴志效。

“可是我想要你干我，”她重复了一次，“喜欢你碰我这里，”她的手滑下去盖住志效的，食指在她按着自己阴蒂的食指上压了压，“也喜欢你用手指插我……比我自己的手指舒服。”

这不是她第一次承认，嘴角微微扬起来，手贴着朴志效的向下探，指尖没入又抽离，带出的体液从朴志效的指甲虚虚抹到手背。

朴志效无法不为这个动作颤栗，但接着平井桃就靠回她肩头，把自己交回她手里。

她呆了呆，为这突如其来的喜剧性无声笑出来。

“别现在睡过去，桃。”朴志效挑起眉毛。

“嗯，我知道，还没到呢……”平井桃懒懒地说，倦意裹着近乎错觉的惬意渗到字与字之间、淌在温热的吐息底下。

随后她们花了相等的时间接吻、抚摸、以及让平井高潮。虽然不如前几次激烈，第四次高潮依然像静水里游动的鱼，令身体如同泛起细小涟漪的湖面般微妙悸动。

朴志效能听出她忍耐的呼吸，停下动作的同时平井的手也悄然搭住她的手腕。这是在这个姿势下最容易获得安全感的方式，或者说恢复自由本来就代表某些情景的结束。

“四。”平井喘着气数道，疲惫却不假思索地抬起眼睛看向她。

那神采里的期待太过分明，朴志效觉得可爱又感到怜惜，情不自禁别过头吻了一下她的太阳穴。“好孩子。”

Imperfection【5.24】

The sensation becoming too much to take, Jihyo tumbled forward and instantly felt Momo’s strong hold on her side, which was oddly a pleasure in itself, as if it were a silent “let me take care of you.”

Or, rather than “let me,” it was “I can.” And that was the pleasure. To be able to depend on someone else, to hand over control, to let them do what they wanted, to be overpowered, while she still was the… The what?

…

She couldn’t help the swelling in her chest when she saw Momo all but snuggled up against her, suckling one of her nipples. She wanted to caress her hair so badly. To kiss away those beads of sweat on her temple, tell her that she was doing so well. That she’d been so, so good for her.

But the ache growing between her legs was stopping her to do any of those. Or rather, they were what caused the ache in the beginning. Voice got caught in her throat and her arms suddenly felt too heavy to be lifted, her thighs turning inwards until her knees touched.

“Fuck, Momo, I…”

She’d never admitted the effect of Momo sucking on her breast until just now, that the feeling alone could make her come, and now it was in effect. The contraction in her lower belly and the tension that ran all the way down to her toes weren’t unfamiliar. Her hand was buried in Momo’s slightly damp hair before she even realised, the soft tresses ruffled by her fingers running through them in a way that was both ardent and adoring, like she was the lover and the mother in one.

Jihyo knew she was letting go of her instinct – the need to protect, not to cause harm or discomfort – as she tugged at Momo’s hair as harshly as she had wanted and whimpered.

“Baby girl, you are gonna make mommy come so hard.”

“Do whatever you need, Mother.” Momo answered quietly, switching to tend the other side, her lips faintly brushing the sensitive, hardened nipple when she spoke.

A dose of warmth was sent straight to Jihyo’s core at hearing how Momo addressed her. Her walls clamped tightly around Momo’s digits when they slipped inside her without warning, though Jihyo would admit secretly that she had waited – ached – for it to happen. How profane it was with Momo having just addressed her with complete reverence and patience…

Maybe just to tease her, or for some other reasons, she’d sometimes prefer calling Jihyo that instead of addressing her in the more intimate form, and the formality never failed to make Jihyo shudder.

…

“So it was jealousy then, I see.” Jihyo contemplated when she felt calm enough, and her habit of thinking aloud earned her a light nip at the side of her neck, which Momo was quick to soothe with her tongue.

“Being jealous is stressful, don’t you know.” Momo grumbled against her skin, careful not to leave any marks when she nipped at her pulse point. They would have a hard time explaining it… or not. They’d gotten together for a while now, and the members at least vaguely knew about the thing going on between them. But still.

Couldn’t they just avoid seeing the others all together? Even with how debaucherous that sounded - because what could they possibly be doing in their room all the while? - the idea was tempting. Then Momo remembered she was having a date with Sana two days later…

…

Once she rolled off of her, Jihyo’s eyelids began to feel heavy. Like it wasn’t Momo that had rolled off of her, but responsibility. It felt nice to not have someone expect things from her, and the pleasure she’d felt when Momo held her side came back to her, lulling her to sleep.

Although she still felt responsible around her, Jihyo had always taken comfort in the fact that she was allowed to be vulnerable with Momo, allowed to be incapable of offering. And yet, if she were to be completely honest, she was a bit scared of knowing what Momo truly needed, and she knew that fear came from a lack of confidence in herself. Every time she faintly made out what it was, she stopped probing in that direction, fearing that she couldn’t offer what Momo wanted, or that she had to give to be loved in return.

Perhaps she overthought too much, too often? Because whenever she thought she’d messed up, Momo didn’t seem to mind, or recovered rather quickly, as if her presence alone could provide her with what she needed, not what Jihyo thought she might need.

“You’re being too harsh on yourself, Mother,” as Momo would tell her on those occasions where she thought she’d slipped up. “You don’t have to be perfect.”

6月

Glaze【6.11】

“冷不冷？”凑崎一边吻她脖子一边询问，声音在叩响窗面的雨声里，空调嗡嗡的白噪音里，鼓噪的心跳声里，独一无二地清晰。像那个晚上从凑崎眼中看见的语言一样清晰。爱的语言。

派对后【6.14】

没想到的是，周子瑜一早等她来，偷袭不成反被留住，女孩笑起来时咬住指节的牙尖往皮肤里陷了陷。触感轻微，比起疼更像痒，让人心软。

“你比我狡猾。”平井桃不受制的那几根手指曲起来兜了兜周子瑜下巴，仿佛爱抚一只表现出色的犬科动物，“故意和我说话，引诱我放松警惕。”

Unreserved【6.25】

A hand came to hold the back of her head, gently urging her to look up. Momo did just that, and the sight of the woman towering over her made her both weak in the knees and feel insignificant. She couldn’t help but bend lower under her gaze, her legs almost folded beneath her, and as she kept her head up, her back arched towards the ground as if some intangible being was pushing down on her.

“You’re being so good for me.” Jihyo whispered, brushing Momo’s hair over her shoulder. “Don’t be scared.”

Momo assumed she was referring to her wanting to grovel in her immediate presence. But it was out of her control.

It was so intimate for someone to talk to her like this, and yet so appalling, like a giant monster taking in its tiny prey. For an instant, she couldn’t feel anything other than the warmth behind her head and the simmering warmth inside her.

There was no monster in this room, however, other than her own imagination. Images and emotions that had always been lurking clawing their way out from her past, not the real Jihyo in front of her. Not the one who had smoothed out her hair and rubbed off the tension in her upper back, soothing her with a kiss, slow and soft.

Momo tilted her head up in the kiss, partly because otherwise it would be difficult for Jihyo to kiss her, and she wanted the kiss, those lips on hers.

Then she felt Jihyo’s other hand land on the side of her arm, like she was lifting her with the grip she had, until Momo was standing on her knees again, erect, letting Jihyo embrace her fully.

Momo didn’t feel the need to worry about her knees giving out. It was effortless to keep the posture, as if she were weightless, all of her weight held up by Jihyo, who had stood up before her.

…

It didn’t really feel like submission when she was on her knees like this, worry-free and at peace. Especially since she was used to sitting this way back in her motherland - at other times she might even feel a bit nostalgic for that, but it didn’t occur to her then. She already felt at home.

…

Jihyo held fast to her, though it didn’t take much to hold her up, having Momo striving to come as close to her as possible. At least that was what Jihyo thought, and it was the same thought she’d had when she helped Momo rise on her knees earlier, like they were both craving the attachment, the union.

Jihyo could feel Momo’s breasts crushed against hers, could feel the softness and the warmth of it, and faintly the reverberation of her heart pounding in her chest that Jihyo didn’t know if it were only a figment of her imagination. Then she heard Momo mutter something under her breath.

…

She saw the trepidation in Momo’s face, her mane of hair shaken loose around her like darkness had descended on her and melted down what must have been despair and loneliness, shrouding her with them. She seemed distant at that moment, out of Jihyo’s reach.

But that moment was fleeting. Momo’s expression changed subtly, as if unsure as to whether she should confess.

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