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king-of-doors-bitch

The sickness called despair

I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.

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king-of-doors-bitch · 3 years

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(inspiration.)

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king-of-doors-bitch · 4 years

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Kirishima Eijirou | Boku no Hero Academia Vol.16 Cover

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king-of-doors-bitch · 4 years

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I live in this state of just existing. I dont feel much, do much or really even try to do anything. But im sad and even though I have so many people that care about me I feel lonely.

I thought a lot had changed since I was a overconfident narcissist of a teenager who did whatever the fuck he felt like. Which often ended up hurting people I cared about. I grew a lot as a person after my 18th birthday got my life on track in sorts. Met someone I cared about very deeply. For once I didnt fuck it up either. I got a stable job which im still at now. Yanno felt like I progressed.

Then I hit 20, karma hit me finally for all the shitty things I did as teenager in the most ironic way. And that growth and progression was stripped from me. I was suddenly the emotional wreck I had been at 18 again, I saw no way out of it either. So I cried, I drank, I hurt myself and repeat. For a year. I hurt the people around me by being that way, not in a malicious way or directly, just by being the sad angry mess I was at the time.

I spent so much time putting myself back together again from the age of 21 to now were I'm almost 23. I'm nowhere near done either, I still think about hurting myself though I dont anymore. I still cry for no reason sometimes, I just get overwhelmed by some twisted melancholy I have deep down. I avoid drinking alcohol because I know i don't have any control when I do.

I still push the people I care about away, telling them "I'm fine, you know me I always come out the other end fine" I'm almost certain they see right through that bullshit too, but just humour me anyway. I'm just ever so slightly day after day giving up. Its not something dramatic and nothing overly noteworthy has happened to me in the last year. But I just feel it inside, that a large part of me now is just done. It's done feeling this misery for what feels no apparent reason anymore.

The funny thing is I won't feel like that when I wake up in 5 or so hours time. But by the time I'm back in bed again it will be all I think about.

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king-of-doors-bitch · 4 years

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