I have a parent who lives vicariously through me and has no life outside of me who guilts me to stay because they have no one else. I have a parent who's manipulative and can never admit to fault. I've had partners who've lied and abandoned me without so much as a second thought. I grew up to where my biggest solace was to be alone. Being alone was my only freedom from everything life had to stick me with. But I still managed some people in my life that I wouldn't trade for the world. Just a few people that make life bearable and I will love them forever. I've somehow made these connections and I will treasure them always.

Me: hey can we talk today?

Him: idk it depends if I can finish my work

Also him: proceeds to spend hours in the living room playing videogames

Me: 🙃

I tried to always be in the living room because I never got to see you guys anymore. But in response you'd never leave your rooms. How can I interpret that in any other way than you don't like me. I stay in my room for a couple days and you're always in the living room. Further proving what I thought. Then I find out from a mutual friend that you're mad at me for secluding myself in my room and that you hate me for multiple other things. Awesome. Great. My best friend actually hates me.

My anger can often take the better of me. I wish I could handle it better but I can never seem to vocalize it. Instead I do shitty things to people I care about. I'm such an idiot. I ruin everything.

I really don’t care about what anyone thinks of me. I am who I am, I do what I want and I don’t live to please you.

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favorite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

I really miss having the feeling that I belong with someone or at least feeling like I had the capacity to. The thought of opening up like that to someone again fills me with dread and if I'm not able to, then what's the point?

Reason to Live #4626

  So that one day all my hard work will pay off and I can love myself. – Guest Submission

(Please don’t add negative comments to these posts.)

I feel like I'm forcing myself to try dating again but I'm just not ready. I feel bad too because I'm running into so many people that are so cool but I just kind of shut down at the thought of another relationship. I don't have that kind of trust in me to try again. Until I get through this year of college I think I just need to dedicate time for myself and have a chance to heal.

It's been a while since I've posted on here. When I was here last I was angry and hurt over everything that had been happening in my life. It had just been one domino to the next. First came covid, then came the conclusion of my then partner's treating me like garbage for 5 months and then ditching me as my mother blackmailed me into flying home in the middle of a pandemic, to being trapped with my father for an entire summer. The list keeps going but I don't have the time to type all of that and at this point it doesn't matter. Every day is still so much of a struggle. There's still a numbing pain that I have to carry around every day and that haunts my dreams at night. I keep moving because I have to and I'm gonna keep going till I make it through or I fall trying. I really hope that if I just keep going, life will start to mean something again. Something that I can believe this time around.

You need to remind yourself every so often that you shouldn't let people take advantage of your kindness. Take a good look at those in your life and ask yourself are they putting in as much into your relationship as you are? You are important and worthy of love in all its forms, I promise. So please look out for yourselves friends 💜

I wish you would have tried to work things out like we talked about instead of just having your friend convince you to break it off the very next day after we had that conversation.