let’s all take a moment to appreciate how well “that’s what she said” and “phrasing” have aged compared to “giggity.” many of us would probably still laugh at a well-placed “that’s what she said” even after all these years, but if you met someone who responded to a sexual innuendo by saying “giggity” you would almost certainly feel such deep shame and embarrassment on their behalf that both of you would lose the ability to speak for the rest of your lives

‘but how are my kids supposed to sing along to moana if it’s in another language?’ the same way i sang along to lion king brenda tell your bitch ass kids to up their fucking game

REASONS WHY I AM ACTUALLY A DRAGON

hoards special interest

flap flap flap flap

everyone must be quiet

but not me

no words, must Roar

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

likes to stay in the dark

must. look. at. shiny

no one knows what to do with me

how to make a kids show dystopia

1. make it colorful

2. slight reference to familiar things

3. appeal to the younger generations underlying but present sense of anxiety about a world plagued by random acts of violence and an overwhelming problem of climate change and pollution. ‘The world is going to end’ is a very present mentality and the colorful optimism of kids-apocalypse assures them that it will still be okay after all that.

4. make it gay.

everyone talks about “did you put your name in the goblet of fire” being the worst book to movie dialogue fail but lets be real the worst is where hermione answers a question in class and snape calls her an “insufferable know-it-all” and in the book ron is furious and he goes OFF and says “you asked a question and she knows the answer! why ask if you don’t want to be told?” but in the movies they just make him say “he’s got a point, you know” and i’m still mad about it

do you ever read a dating profile and it’s like

are… are you actually trying to attract someone with this

you think this is going to make the ladies throw themselves at you

you honestly believe that

how

yknow with this split movie coming out i just wanna restate that all people with DID are wonderful

people with DID aren’t inherently dangerous and the way media (especially the horror genre) portrays them is absolutely disgusting and ableist and just incorrect

people with DID deserve support and actual representation and not this ableist garbage that portrays them as nothing but dangerous villains

godric gryffindor wasn’t actually his real name

he was actually just called rick, but people kept getting mad at him and going ‘god, rick!’ and the name stuck

nobody talks about how ugly taking care of yourself can be

yes, sometimes it’s taking a warm bath and texting memes to friends and keeping an aesthetically pretty journal.

sometimes it’s crying silently on your couch at 3am, hugging yourself and reminding yourself that you’re a good person.

self care is not always ‘aesthetic’ and cute…and that’s ok. don’t be embarrassed, just do what you need to do.

My First Week

I guess we can start at the beginning. It all started with a Saturday afternoon shopping trip with my mom. We got lunch, went to TJ Maxx, where I was starting to get stressed the fuck out; because my mom, LaBarge I call her, was taking her sweet ass time and I had dropped acid the night before so I hadn’t slept and shopping streses me out.

Anyways as we are standing in a frustratingly long check out line, this is mid December, so holidy shopping is in full swing. I hate crowds and people and shopping so I try to avoid it unless I need something. LaBarge goes “Want to go to one more store?” and she knows I’m stressed cause I hate this place and she says it in a manner that indicates that but that also indicates that this is something that’s gonna also peak my interest.

So I bite. Haphazardly I sigh “…where?”

Then she proceeds to tell me how her and her boyfriend, Tom, who I consider my step father, had previously discussed getting each other something sexy for Christmas because their sex life has been dull and/or nonexistant because of age and life. So immediately I’m like hell fucking yeah I wanna go, I’ve already got ideas of what she should get, since my close friend and I had just discussed this. My friend highly recommended the We Vibe, he uses it with his wife. Since it is a couples toy, instead of fucking around with some weak ass vibrator, I was thinking she should get this high tech fancy We Vibe cause it sounded cool as fuck from my friend’s description.

We walk into the store and I start walking to the section where the toys are because I’ve been there in the past few months to get my vibrator. As we walk in we are greeted by the same sales girl that sold me my toy; we had a lovely chat the last time and she was cool as fuck so I just jumped right in and started talking to her. As my mother, her, and I start discussing what sex toy my mother and her boyfriend should get to spice up their sex life; Doris, my now boss, is at the cash register, watching the whole thing. Because she watches everything cause she is fucking crazy about doing things perfectly. Not a bad thing though, not at all, in fact I love that. So after awhile, Elise the sales girl, shows me a specific thrusting vibrator that grabbed my attention. So I’m thinking, I could easily do what she does I have no problem talking about this stuff I could so sell it. I turn to her and whisper “Are yall hiring?”

“Hell yeah” she goes.

“And do you get employee discount?” I ask.

“40% off.”

Hell yeah I’m sold. “Where do I apply?” She told me to talk to Doris, standing behind us. As I walked over to the counter, she slapped down an application, told me to start to fill it out and she would come back to disucss hours/availability. We had that discussion before I even finished the application and that matched up perfectly with what we both needed. By the time my mother was all checked out with a We Vibe, some lingere, and a Love Kit, and I had filled out the application; Doris said she’d call me on Monday or Tuesday. And she did and she got me right on the schedule because that was athe week before Christmas and this is one of the busiest times of year for them.

My first week flew by in a blur of confusion, anxiety, pressure, and learning. I’m trying to study my coworkers and figure them out, and learn the dynamics of the store and also learn the job and where everything goes and what to do and when to do it. But its also hectic and they don’t have time to formally train me yet so basically most my shifts the first week I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing I just looked busy cleaning and reorganizing unitil someone tells me what to do. And then I do that task, as slowly and obsessively as possible to waste the most amount of time, plus it pleases the OCD in me and Doris.

On my third day I worked a 12 ½ hour shift, open to close. I was stressed as hell about that day because it was so long. But when I got there, a few minutes late, I walk up and realize no one else is there either. Then I turn around and Jane, one of the two managers under Doris, is hauling ass in the parking lot. Right behind her is Dalena and Tori, Delena is the other manager and Tori is her fiancee who was there only my first week to help out for Christmas. At this point I’ve already made friends with Tori and Dalena, and could tell Jane was cool as fuck but I hadn’t gotten to know her well yet. We get into the break room and I learn that Doris has the day off and all 4 of us are here all day, and Megan comes in later in the day till close. This is when I learned that if Doris isn’t there it’s chill as fuck and you can do whatever you want, as long as the cameras dont see you. So we chilled, even left to take a few hits a couple times most the day. We did get stock, so we were busy, but I learned a ton about where everything goes and what to do and I got to really bond with those four girls, who are all cool as fuck. I will write a post about each person seperately because they are all just such interesting people.  

I fit into this enviornment super quickly and easily, it was obvious right away that this is were I belong right now, these my people. They get me. Within a few hours we were discussing our recreational drug use, swapping fucked up stories, talking about daily life struggles and our opinions, which align almost completely. All these girls think like me, and have similar personalities but are also so different and unique and awesome. It is such a cool bunch.

Except Christina.

Ugh this bitch. I’ll get into it later. But there is always one, in every group, every workplace, one person that is the black sheep, the outcast, that no one likes and everyone is kinda like, how the fuck are you still working here? Well it was pretty easy to figure out she is that person in this workplace. And I felt bad, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and chat with her. But almost immediatley I hated her too. Dalena had bitched about her once before, and then that long shift was 40% bitching about Christina. But they all had valid fucking points, She just rubs us all the wrong way. She doesn’t know how to talk to people, how to read people and she definitely does not understand the basics of humor. I tried to not hate her cause everyone else is, and just be a follower of the popular girls, but damn, Christina just sucks to be around. Every interaction with her stresses me out, and everyone else.

The rest of my first week was a blur due to a combination of working full hours, and multiple double shifts in a row. Including 2 days where I was starting at this job and leaving to close at the ice cream shop. So somehow, I managed to get my hands on a fair amount of cocaine that week from a friend. And that whole week I was taking bumps before I came in to wake me up, and between shifts, and any other time I had that I wanted to kinda party if I had the free time. So that’s all I’ve got for the first day. But we had our semi-annual 50% everything sale January 1st and 2nd and those two days were interesting to say the least.

Wassup

Hello world, or currently no one, cause I have 0 followers at the moment. But hello, to anyone who happens to stumble up this. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Kelsey, I’m 21 years old, live in this crazy hippy town called Ann Arbor, work at a sex shop, and also an ice cream shop because I like to mix it up. You can’t just talk about vibrators and butt plugs and bondage all day every day, have to take a break from all the freaky shit with some sweet innocent ice cream, apparently.

~ While we are on the subject of my place of employment, it is not the sleezy establishment that most people picture in their head. Some of my more conservative realatives were nervous about me working here because they imagine the place is full of creepy old dudes lurking around the store, waiting to flash or to rape/murder the employees of the store. This is not at all the case. It’s located in a nicer, upper-middle class city in the Metro Detroit area. Most our customers are kind people who are just looking for help with their sex life. Mostly middle-age to older men and women, since they need a little more help reaching orgasm as they get older. The people who get super kinky are either very shy about it, or are at a comfort level that we are with having these conversations since they’re basically regulars. My manager, Doris, she’s a fucking character, is crazy as hell. No way that bitch would allow any creep to fuck with us. Actually; all the bitches that work at the store are crazy as hell and will easily/gladly cut anyone that tries to pull any funny business. This is a classy establishment, Doris is intense and pays attention to detail and has high expectations for the staff and the store. We are on our A game, we aren’t just selling people prouducts, we are also improving their lives tremendously. In just the first week I’ve seen so many people come in and thank Doris and some of the other Romance Specialist who’ve helped them in the past and they were so greatful they hugged them. Most people coming in are spending at least $100 sometimes, easily up to $500 on toys, lube/massage oil/cleaners, lingere, bondage equiptment, etc. they aren’t coming in to be creepy. Also our location is in an annoying area and is kind of hidden, the people coming in either know where we are or have to look for “Sex Shop Nearby” and find us. It’s kind of nice, since we are hidden in a busy area we still have high volume and higher class customers but we don’t get the annoying immature youths coming in to laugh at cock rings and vibrators or our bachlorette supplies. Usually people are coming in looking to buy either something specific or something to get them off but they are clueless and need help from the Romance Specialist.

Anyways the sex shop is really quite safe, as far as I know so far, I guess. Either way I’m good cause I’ve got a knife and pepper spray on me at all times; also I’m crazy and will kill a bitch if they try to jump me I don’t give a fuck. I suffer/deal with moderate/severe Depressive Disorder; symptoms I have to manage daily include low mood, anxiety, and insomnia but I have a fairly good hold on that with the help of antidepressants and medical marijuana, those dabs usually get me to sleep no problem. I also have ADHD which really fucked me up with school, I could never focus in class. I have mild obsessive compulsive habits so since I’m properly medicated for ADHD and I have such a demanding boss, the OCD kinda comes in handy. OCD + addy + working for Doris and needing to waste time + owning a German Shepherd and 3 cats who shed + having 2 roommates who are clean but busy = a pretty functional Kelsey.

I may write about my mood, if anything happens I gotta get off my chest, I may include anything interesting from my job at the ice cream shop; because it is in Ann Arbor which is home to the most interesting human beings. I have a pretty crazy family, my mom is quite the woman, I will probably write about her or anything crazy that happens in my family, cause holy shit, we are an eccentric bunch. But mainly I’ll write about the stories from the sex shop, and the people I work with.

Welcome to my crazy world.