Maybe I’m scared that I’ll never accomplish anything. That I’ve never amounted to anything and after I die, there won’t be anything that tells people I existed. Maybe that’s why I want to make something. To leave proof that I existed.

I really don’t think I’m getting better. I’ve been thinking about suicide a bunch more lately. I think what’s stopping me is the thought that when u die, I’ll become a ghost and will have to watch all my loved ones react to me. The news that I’ve gone missing. The news of when they found the body. The news of the findings of the autopsy. I know they will cry. They’ll probably be devastated. I keep thinking about my wife. Her waking up to a lonely bed. A quiet house. A cold life. Or my dog. He’ll never understand why he doesn’t see me anymore. There will be a me shaped hole in the world. Am I okay with that? I get the feeling that I am.

Things that I would like to discuss with my therapist (as soon as I get one) (not in any particular order)

Depression

Anxiety

Screen addiction

Porn addiction

Confrontation anxiety/panic attacks

How I analyze my feelings and how to feel them

How I invalidate my emotions/mental state due to everyone else also having depression/anxiety and if they can live with it why can’t I

How I invalidate my trauma because they aren’t severe enough

How I don’t plan for the future because I believe I’ll kill myself before then

How I set myself up for failure

How I feel like nothing matters because I think the answer to all my problems is to jump off a bridge.

How I became calm after learning I have a famous suicide bridge in my city

How I don’t have anyone to tell my feelings to

How I feel so alone

Feelings of inadequacy

Sexualizing those feelings of inadequacy

How I rather stay up at night than go to sleep because that’s the only time I have to myself

The feeling of I’m wasting my time unless I’m bettering myself (hustle culture?)

How I love my wife and hate myself

The feeling if I’m always getting left behind

How I took a 3-4 year gap after high school and that I can’t keep up/playing catch up with my peers

Feelings of I don’t deserve the love I get.

Constant thoughts of escapism

How I feel like I’m living for other peoples sake cause they probably would get sad if I died

How I don’t want to admit this to anyone

How I want to get admitted to a psychiatric ward before I hurt myself, but I fear if I do, it will affect my ability to get a gun

How I want to get a gun for protection, or if I’m saying that to disillusion myself cause I’d rather have it for suicide.

None of my hobbies interest me

How I tell people I have a bunch of hobbies to sound interesting

How I believed growing up I didn’t want to do things for moral reasons, but ended up growing up without a personality.

Do I have a personality

Is nihilism bad

How I’m one good car accident from getting my life together. Like I just need three months

Feelings of being a failure

How I think my only opinion I made for myself is that I hated Jj the jet plane because Jj was my nickname

Often times I think that I’m okay with having the friends I have now and that’s all that I need. Or is it cause I’m too lazy to maintain a new friendship and too anxious to look for one? One of my newest friendships is really relaxed. We met online and only really speak through text. We’d go months without talking but whenever one of us feels like it we’d shoot the other a text. Would get an answer like an hour after maybe? Idk. There’s something about having a pen pal that just wants to check if you’re alive or not. Makes me feel less alone knowing that someone outside of my friends circle thinks about me. You know? I’m not the best to remember to text or read something. There’s this one time when my younger cousins were telling me that they missed me. In my mind I’m like, “really? Honesty, I haven’t thought about you at all.” Like is that mean? I feel if you’re out of sight you’re out of mind.

I usually only remember to write when I’m not doing too well. For the last week I’ve been doing well. Actually, to be realistic, I haven’t been thinking about the things that set me on that path. Even though I should work on wedding planning a step at a time instead of having my fiancéd work on it.

We’ve just celebrated our anniversary and we went to go for a hike. I really enjoyed it. I got to see wild animals so often that I kinda got bored of it. In the beginning you’re like “wow look, a chipmunk.” By the end I’m just trying to find the visitor center to use the bathroom. At the gift shop I wanted to find a pint glass. But not any pint glass. I got one from the Olympic gift shop and it has Washington engraved on it with the trails around the mountain. I think it’s rad. Haven’t been able to find another one since though. Ended up getting some my hero ones that came in a four pack. Shoto broke and I ended cutting my finger on it. Left a pretty gnarly scar. I should’ve avoided it though. I saw it was broken and thought it should be cleaned. So I washed it like how I was all cups, before I could think about it again I got a nasty looking cut. Sucks.

I’m spiraling. Someone please help me. I don’t want to think these thoughts. I know that I’m doing my best but I don’t think it’s enough. I’m not enough. I’m not enough. I’m not enough. The only person that can save me is me. But I don’t want to be saved I want it to stop

SPIRALING

I’ve been feeling very off for the past couple days. Couldn’t really pin point it but I think I’ve been disassociating for a bit.

Restarting my fyp really made me question things in my life. Like ADHD that makes sense. But autism? Damn that hits

God damn. I’m just socially inept

I heard that a way for you to get a handle on your mental health is to either personify it as someone in your brain that you take care of. That way it’s not you telling yourself how much you hate yourself. But someone else saying they hate you. I could see that as being easier, but I’ll try giving it a shot.

How I imagine him is kinda like he’s spiky. But not like sharp spiky. But something like a brush stroke. Like a large brush where you get those frayed ends when you either paint or write with a brush. Just one stroke with the sharp texture at the top and bottom. He also has a gengar face. Mostly cause it’s a cool Pokémon and feels like it’d do something like that. I’ll try drawing it to try to show what I’m thinking.

Don’t want to boast or anything, but I am good at my job. Surely not the best. But I’m good. I can’t do everything, and the things I can do I’m not that fast or good at. But I’m good at what I do.

I love her and she’s my favorite person. What kind of person would I be, what kind of relationship would we be if we couldn’t be honest about things like that? If I said it would’ve been better and it should’ve been just girl talk, wouldn’t I just be in love with the idea of her?

I feel this disconnect from my friends to be honest. With them being a 1st generation poc and me being, well not. They have the same struggles as each other that I don’t have? Is that good that I don’t have the same trauma? It’s probably good not to have trauma in the first place. Is this like trauma fomo? Is that a thing? If that’s a thing that’s what I got tbh. But doesn’t mean that I don’t have trauma of my own of course. It’s just a different trauma. Kinda like comparing oranges to apples. Is this the root of my feelings of not being able to *vague hand gestures*. Feel lesser because my trauma isn’t on the same severity as theirs? If that makes sense. That makes sense. Because I don’t have the same trauma as theirs, I feel like my trauma is lesser because it wasn’t as severe as theirs were. That their trauma validates them cause they’ve done so much more with more severe trauma. And I settled for less with less severe trauma. That’s why I feel less validated. Guess that makes sense why I try to defend my parents against theirs in conversations. Would it also come with being a first born child while they aren’t? That even when my parents had little they still wanted to give me the world? And since they aren’t first born children, that what they were given were the scraps of attention that their older siblings had. Damn. That their parents traveled oceans to start with nothing and had their children graduate college. And my parents were practically born here, had a child early, and that child turned out as a piece of shit. Low hanging fruit. How I unjustly blame my parents for my short comings. But it’s not the circumstances of your birth, but what you do with it that matters (<- ask straight up plagiarism) but it’s the opposite. I had the world and still turned out like this. I know people will say, oh people grow at different rates, It takes time, It’s not where you are it’s where you’ll end. I think that’s all bullshit. All of them just bandaids to help cushion the hard truth of reality. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. Opportunities go and never come back. To make it better in life you either need to be born in it or work your ass off. Two of which. I did not do. Low hanging fruit.

What if they run?

It’s so much easier to scream into the void than to talk to people that care for you.

Like one of the reasons why I don’t like to talk about my feelings, other than the social perspective of men being seen as week for showing emotion, is going back to when I was a kid. I was a curious child always asking questions. Guess I wanted to know how the world works. Kept asking questions non-stop. Guess my parents got tired and just started to tell me to ask google. I mean, I get it. I was 23. And I don’t think I could’ve answered that many questions without getting irritated. Do I hate my parents for it? Of course not. Do I understand why they did it? Yeah. Did it still make me feel bad? Of course. But should I have internalized it? No, but I didn’t know what else to do. It grew into me telling myself to not talk unless I have something worth while to say. Something I’m still having trouble with today. That and I don’t want to burden other people with my shit. What’s new? Everyone has that now a days. Think i also internalized that too. If everyone has these kinds of internalized self trauma. What makes me so special? Everyone could handle it to varying degrees, so should I. Everyone goes through the same shit. Why should I off load mine to someone else? It’s not fair to everyone else that I do that shit. But that’s what friends are for right? Guess so. But that means I have to open up about my feelings to my closest friends. What if they run? If their real friends they wouldn’t run yadda yadda. I get it. Get off the stage. Fuck you. Damn I hate myself. I have to stop that to be honest.