If you genuinely enjoy being alone, do you ever wonder if it is an inherent part of your character or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place until you taught yourself to enjoy the peace and happiness one can find in solitude? what if the reason you now prefer & choose solitude at every turn is because you were a very lonely child, or teenager, not by your own choice, and that’s how you learnt to thrive and grow, so you no longer know if you can do that around people? There might also be an element of personal pride, an unconscious “you can’t fire me I quit” point when your brain decided to switch your feelings about solitude from distress to relief. I often find myself defending my love of being alone, to people who worry that I can’t possibly be happy to live in an isolated house in the woods; I insist that I do! I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor and chose to live here because of it, but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off unchosen loneliness, to learn from it and be nourished by it; to what extent it might be a form of contentment built on a bedrock of resignation.

i had a joke about orpheus and eurydice but looking back it wasn't a good idea

Dylan Thomas ― Do not go gentle into that good night

Île Curieuse

Better pray for your sins, Better pray for your sins 'Cause the gay Messiah's coming

there i was, in uniform...looking at. the art teacher....(i was..just a girl then) (and never have i. loved since then.)...he was not that much older than i was; he had. taken our class to, the metropolitan museum...he asked us what our favourite workofart was...and never could i tell him: it was him. (oh i wish i could tell him...) oh iwishicouldvetoldhim...i looked at the rubens and rembrandts; i liked the john singer sargents. he told me he liked turner--and never have i, turned since then. no never have i turned to...anyotherman.………………………..all this havin been said: i married an ExecutiveCompanyHead. all this havin been done...a Turner...i. own one...and HERE I AM! in this uniformish pantsuitsortofthing, THINKING OF: the art teacher. …i was just a girl then...and never have i...loved. since then...no never have i loved....any other man...

want one/want two - rufus wainwright

I’m going to unlearn shame *bursts into tears and beats my head against a brick wall*

2006

Li Hui

summer sunsets with mosquitos and flies and emotionallymessedup