kellyshopeworld
my hope world
I've been feeling a little lonely, and I think it might help to just let out my thoughts for the world to see (on a platform none of my irls can find!). I don't suppose anyone will find this page interesting, but if you're looking for a friend, please say hey!! :) if you want to add or comment too, this is a judge-free zone- please feel free to say or add whatever you wish to (respectfully, please!).
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too much
Not even that much has happened this week but oh ny gosh I feel so close to d e a t h I feel so skgkka why does even nothing feel like too much
And I cant even rsnt to friends I mever HAVE and I dont think I ever will because I have this attitude and I try to be open but I'm just creatinf an illusion for myself lol like I cant leave but if I did only my family would be concerned because they have to be but like if I have a problem if I feel like death if I feel terrified and alone I just have to endure it lol whay even FOR
I dont want to cry anymore I dont want to suppress my panic attack through my jacket because I'm on the fourth floor of the library I dont want anymore muffled and unheard tears I dont want this
Part 2 LOL I create all this pain for myself when life has offered me so much and I just push all good things away because I'm selfish
It hurts so much but I've never told anyone, not anyone
And when I've tried to, no ones listened
LOL people try to care but who really has the time anymore
Not when people already have friends and established relationships
When I feel like I've finally become close to someone and I can maybe open up they just leave thwy all just leave
Good foe them luve their own lives but like freakibg ouch, I dont think anyone will stay for me, other than those who are obligated to
Ro--- Chr------ Br----- LOL like all my high school friends basically every one that I'm not in vlose proximity with like I cant be a benefit anynore so why even bother
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Still Lonely 18.10.31
what is an accomplishment worth I never have anyone to share it with? Thats cheesy and stupid but it would be nice to take pride in my accomplishments instead of feeling the need to cover them up
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The first rain 10.12.2018
Just as it was a clear sky not even a few hours ago, the first rain comes loudly and without warning.
Lonely (as usual), unsure of my place (as usual), unsure if I really do belong.
Tomorrow I'll be happy. But how about the day after? For someone with great privilege and little sources of grief,
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World Mental Health Day - 10.10.2018
I try my best to be an advocate for mental health, I had 2 preses with my internship this week, and both went surprisingly really well! We had really empowering, respectful, and mature conversations with the audience, and I talked in a way that was slow and coherent, but still interesting! My partner yesterday was pretty open about her own personal experiences with her mental health (she was super great), and it makes me re-realize that, of course, I apply the greatest standards to myself than anyone else.
I believe and advocate about mental health partially because my own experiences, but I think I still feel I need validation about "yes its really anxiety" and "yes this is a real problem;" I've never told anyone about my anxiety or panic attacks, and how uncomfortable I feel when they use it out of context (of course meaning no harm).
I remember when I first heard panic attack around 5th/6th grade, I remember it was scary, but also nice to know that its a real thing and not just me creating symptoms to experience. No one knew what it meant and no one had to (I never mentioned it and most hadnt been exposed to it). Thats why high school was so freaking terrifying- something so personal to me, something I had so much trouble facing and confronting and accepting was now being used in a context of "lol this test is giving me a panic attack." Its not that simple, its not NORMAL, it never has been, but... Is it? In that context, its described like stress- a normal everyday experience that is uncomfortable in its extremities, but by itself its not abnormal? Its so hard to say those words aloud, yet some say it like, its just a mood everyone feels and gets over.
Gosh that just came out. I still havent told anyone and feel like I can't- only my parents (who I thought understood, and to an extent they do, but- thats another story). Social anxiety is more common, anxious is a word also normalized (because in moderation, it can be normal). So its scary to think, geez everyone else is suffering, why do I think I'm suffering? I'm so privileged, why should I complain? My anxiety isnt like anyone elses, pasts of trauma and abuse and drug and alcohol usage, so its not valid.
I'm 19 and its world mental health day. After 2 surprisingly smooth and empowering presentations, I feel more desire to be an advocate, not just a responsibility. I want to be open with myself and my anxiety, depression. Its hard. But I want to try. Of course, I need to find an opportunity, but the first step is to make that decision, which I have. I will.
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2018.10.08
I almost broke down yesterday but hey I finished my presentation today and it went pretty well, man I'm scared though
Weekend with cousin was fun but on edge a lot
Immediately I had a panic attack, a pretty bad one for the first in a while, but I got work done
Felt like that was the biggest pain, now I'm in a bit of a daze. My mom gave me a nice talk though and I'm trying to be Calm
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nineteen till ninety - 2018.10.03
What a day, I guess?
I was trying hard to feel good and not care and ignore my self-pitying thoughts this morning, and it honestly worked pretty well at first!
N**a remembered my bday but was sick and practicing for a prese and didnt get me anything, but she at least remembered! I kind of helped her study/practice in the library and she talked a lot about her fav shows, how shes feeling- down that road.
After that, I got my own homework done and philosophy and bla bla. My outfit was nice and I think I was doing pretty well for the most part! I still feel like I hold back in conversation, but that should be addressed another time.
Anyway, I got home and we did gifts and such, they were all small and useful so I was happy!! My cousin hasnt been well though, so I've been trying to be sensitive, but my feelings were building up subconsciously.
Like, I just wanted to tell her not really any of my friends remembered just to prove that I exist yknow but like wow I started crying a lot harder than I anticipated
And it lasted the entire rest of the day lol!!!
It just felt, gosh I want to cry just at the thought- I know its kind of irrational to think I'll be alone forever, that I won't succeed OR have a social life, but.. Is it really? That's been my train of thought all day.
Everyone cares, but everyone's busy. I'm not a priority enough to anyone to remember petty things like birthdays and the such. Which is ok!!!! They have their own things going on, just like me but in their own way!!!!
Despite that, I still try really hard to make time for anyone that needs it and put on my best attitude when conversing, its something I try to take pride in! But, no one really cares when theres so much else going on. And with social medias and cliques and such, its even more isolating- whats the need?
And when will that ever change? For all I know, we'll only get busier, right? I don't know if it's rational to expect to get any less lonely in the future.
Logically, people don't reach out because they have other priorities/dont have time. If we're only gonna get busier, why expect to become less lonely?
I'm really fortunate my parents took time to listen to me today, but I really wish they had a counterargument to what I said. Even to my old counselor, there doesnt seem to be much of a solution.
If I'm giving it my best effort now, if I'm in a spot with the most opportunities for me and I'm still failing, if I can't live my youth happily, how would everything pay off in the future?
Society and its functions are so, so broad and can't fit every person, regardless of that person's competence/incompetence. Maybe I'm just one of those people, maybe my dreams aren't grand enough to be valued, and maybe my existence is useful, but also replacable?
My intern program always tells us, "no one else can play your part!" And I believe that strongly!! For everyone but, honestly, myself. I can feel the impact everyone has had on me, even a classmate I haven't talked to myself. Because I can't see myself as a third person, I can't see these effects. I haven't received much validation from others that I have had that impact, and I haven't seen effects that are beyond temporary/replacable. Even small changes are important, but.. Is it all worth it? For all the harm I cause, do those small impacts add up to the value of my existence?
I'm not so sure anymore. I tell people its a process for all of us to learn to love ourselves, but I've never been honest. I may have tried theoretically, but when my critique comes from a place of hatred, when I can only ever see my faults, when I see no reason to love myself and the reason for my existence- how do you try? Just tell myself "screw that! You're valuable depsite that!" Seems against my personality- I'm a little too logical to that extent.
Simply put,
The value of my existence depends on the ratio of positive impact to harm inflicted on others. If I have good reason to believe the amount of harm is greater than my positive impact, my value is lesser. And when those positive impacts are replacable, so my value is replacable as well.
Loving myself resorts largely to viewing myself as a person that holds value. If I view myself as not holding value, how do I even attempt to love myself? Logically, it's invalid (this is an actual valid argument accoeding to philosophy! It's pretty hard to refute, depsite absence of facts)
And this sounds frustrating and selfish to be so in my head like this I am largely aware, but these thoughts have been swirling in my head all day long. I guess for the past 10 months, really.
I wish I could find a way to convince myself, but 100% honestly, I don't know if I ever will.
Oh! And maybe you'd think, "well, if you believe your value is so much lesser (which it isnt), thats more of a reason to work towards upping your value and proving your competence to yourself! Giving up isn't the only solution!"
I understand that, especially since I came up with thay argument as I'm talking to myself, but I mentioned before- I AM trying. I AM putting in 100% effort and trying my hardest every freaking day. How am I supposed to top myself trying my hardest? My hardest, clearly, is not hard enough, and that's not something that can be easily changed.
Anyway. Those are my birthday thoughts. I'm grateful to those who remembered, I'm grateful to my parents (especially mom), I'm grateful to bts, I'm grateful to my cousins. There were great things like fries and gifts and even just N**a talking to me for a bit. It makes me all the more guilty for feeling so blatantly depressed today.
But tomorrow's a new day. First full day of 19 I guess! I want to me a new person, I don't want to give up, despite my brain and most forms of logic! I desperately cry to myself to keep pushing!
In the words of yoongi, "if you feel like you're going to crash, accelerate more." That's tomorrow's motto.
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dusks and dawns - 2018.10.02
even if just to watch the sun rise and set, what a relief it is to have not given up.
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the last of 18 - 2018.10.01
My birthday's in 3 days! My birthdays have always felt a little lonely, but that's also just me having a history of taking things for granted.
In uni, especially, no one really knows when it's your birthday, and honestly, nobody really cares. It's a really freeing and really scary feeling. I'm afraid for the feelings and thoughts I'll experience Wednesday. I've been trying not to make it a big deal for that reason. Honestly, I almost did forget about it (like, actually. Scary how distracting becoming an adult can be.), but in the back of my mind, there was some hope of a surprise or something to make it exciting!
It wasn't until this weekend when my cousin pointed it out to me that I really started thinking deeply about it. It's the only day a year completely dedicated to me, literally designed to be spent selfishly. And it's a little disheartening to think that on that day, I may be very well pitying myself alone in my room, (largely which is my own fault, too, for not telling others and unconciously isolating myself). And with that mindset, I can't really be fond of my own company. It leads to existential thoughts about my life and birth so far, yknow? I'm afraid this is how I'll spend it, mostly because I know almost absolutely that is how it'll be spent. Waiting by the phone for validation, which sounds dramatic, but unfortunately that's a part of my personality.
But, I'll try to be more optimistic. I've been so stuck in my thoughts lately, and I've been recently trying harder to articulate them in a more positive light (I used to be better at that, but lately I've been a bit of a slump.).
Anyway!! For a first post this sure is lengthy!! But I'm already glad I'm doing this! I need to finish studying for my geog midterm tomorrow, so I'll end it now~
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