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kellyahernart · 10 months

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The more of you the more I love you, 2016

Tracey Emin

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kellyahernart · 2 years

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It’s summer. Im in love for the first time in my life. It’s hot. The relationship and the weather. I’ve been so happy and floating along in my blissfulness for months now. The beginning of this year held some of the lowest moments of my life but I’ve turned it around. Naturally. Quit vyvanse. But it’s days like these I miss it.

I don’t know what to create anymore. I haven’t let it bother me because I’ve been busy. I had been busy up until this week. This week doesn’t feel good. I’ve been melting in my hot box of an apartment and bedroom for 3 days now. Unsure of what to do with my free time. Nothing comes to mind. The usual doesn’t feel right anymore: wallow in my feelings and make art that reflects those feelings. Im feeling less intense sad emotions and more consistent happiness but these emotions aren’t inspiring art. Maybe I’m not drawn to happy art. What an interesting revelation.

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kellyahernart · 2 years

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I’m so happy

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kellyahernart · 2 years

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This year has been extremely hard. Yet extremely rewarding. Everyday I don’t puke up my meal is still a win.

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kellyahernart · 2 years

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We turned each other on by cracking our bones

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kellyahernart · 2 years

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I am furious I am anxious I am mad I am frustrated I am stupid I am incapable I am overcoming this I am strong I am smart I am powerful I am resilient I am invincible

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kellyahernart · 3 years

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Literally crying because I’m so sexually frustrated. And I know if I wanted to I could find any guy to fuck but it’s not even about the fuck. What I want is the connection AND the good fuck. It doesn’t feel good when there’s no feelings involved and I can’t get turned on by a guy I’m not into at all.

But the problem is I’m not into ANYONE. No one deserves me. I hate this feeling. I don’t know what to do with myself.

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kellyahernart · 3 years

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11/11/21 7:16pm

Feeling pretty inspired right now.

Watched a YouTube video on minting on polygon & it is highlighting how is costs nothing to mint. This makes me question the quality of artwork on the polygon network & why so many people I’ve interacted with have only talked down upon those nfts. Why? Is it so wrong that people have an option that won’t break people’s bank? Nfts should be affordable and accessible to everyone. So with gas fees being what they are on eth it makes perfect sense that people are starting to mint & sell their work with cheaper options.

This does bring up another question as to how the general public is going to view nfts on polygon vs eth. What’s the consensus? Which is better? The truth is that this divide in minting at different price points splits up the market of buyers on opensea. This could bring both positive & negative views between each network.

Eth minters & buyers could see their purchases more as investments knowing they have to front an expensive gas fees.

-the expensive gas fees could make buyers ponder their investments before making impulse buys. Making it so you really have to question if your purchase is worth the gas.

-higher gas fees are also not so much of an issue for wealthy collectors which might attract a more affluent demographic for eth nfts

Just thoughts.

I’m writing all this because I’m researching what it would be like to mint a collection on polygon. As I look at the collections on opensea on poly the majority of them look like gaming projects. Meaning these collections are utilizing the traits, stats, & levels features of opensea & making their nfts more like trading cards. By putting it on polygon they make their nfts more accessible to the large audiences that back the gaming industry.

This inspires me because the reason why I want to make a collection on polygon is to mint sims stuff. Sims is a game. & It already has a booming audience on YouTube, Twitch, Twitter, etc. There was a time I followed what was going on in the sims community but I’ve since digressed from that hobby. It’s still in me though. And I’m honestly starting to miss it.

There’s got to be a reason why I spent 3000 hours in a matter of two years playing that game. It’s sad honestly. The level of isolation & commitment to a computer game that simulates life. What sad person spends that much time playing life instead of living it?!

The point of this post is that I will be starting to lean into my love for the sims as of now.

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kellyahernart · 3 years

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He brushed the chalk off my cheek & I stood on his shoulders and laughed while terrified

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kellyahernart · 3 years

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Here we go another entry.

November 10th 2021.

On the train. Thinking about my next painting. I envisioned it when I was super high sometime last week I think. Deconstructed bodies in the ground, part of the soil, rooted to the earth. I’ve been fixated on this idea of roots. Going back to my roots & love for drawing & studying the human figure. Not just women, but women & men together, twisted in a relationship with themselves & the environment they’re a part of.

I do feel like I’m starting to ground myself in this city & uproot my past life in Rhode Island. This kind of reflection always makes me think of how important it is to focus on the root chakra. The feeling of security & being grounded in your home. What feels like home to me? The friendships I’ve started to foster here are inspiring me more than the superficial interactions of strangers online. I’m starting to think more about what kind of a foundation a solid friendship is built on. Not sex. Not one wild time together. It takes time.

Time is another concept I’ve been stuck on, forever, but more recently than before it’s been ruminating in my mind. Just because you have a connection with someone & spend some time together doesn’t mean that relationship will last. The build is so fun but what creates build & intrigue that lasts? When does it cross over from stranger to friend? From first flirts to fucking? From friends with benefits to lover?

It’s an eb & flow of connection & communication. Conversations that arise good questions & new ideas. Conversations that turn on the seretonin in my blood & feel like therapy. Conversations that feel like I’ve known this person my whole life & why are we just meeting now? Now that’s real connection.

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kellyahernart · 3 years

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I’m going to start blogging more. Written text. Stream of consciousness. No one ik really uses this platform anymore so it’ll basically be like a public journal.

& with that said I’m feeling a little low. I’ve definitely felt much much much lower in my life but right now I just feel shitty. Like a tinge of self hatred & general depression.

Nft nyc was this last week & the only event I went to was the art show I was in & basically the entire time I was there I only spoke with people i already knew who came to see me. I did meet a few new faces but it feels counterproductive to think about it now & wish that I had networked with more of the other artists in the show. That will be a mental note for the next time I’m in a show - to really get to know the other artists.

The reason I moved to New York was to be closer to like minded creatives & the first show I’m in I only felt comfortable around my friends & family. Typical stay in your own bubble type shit. It feels pretty shitty to watch social media & see all these people I’ve been following for months in the nft crypto world all gush over meeting each other irl. Seriously their fucking tweets make me sick to my stomach with how much “love” “support” & “positivity” this community brings in their lives.

Where is my community? Who are my supporters? Where’s my love?? And I know I can’t be just asking the universe for something that I don’t outright work for. But it really hasn’t been on the top of it to do list to make friends in the nft space because I keep getting hurt by toxic men in the space. It’s my own doing though. I’m just realizing all of this now I guess. That community is crucial.

I think the hardest part for me to make connections in this new art world has been my inability to showcase my personality on platforms that feel so unauthentic all while having a toxic relationship to social media already. & the apps are now audio based. Which allows for more of a side to share with my audience, my voice, story, perspective etc. but with that comes new anxieties. Thoughts like “when is it a good time to chime in?” “Did I say something I didn’t really mean?” “Do I sound like a bitch?” “Am I making sense?” “Who’s even listening?”

I get so in my head about how I’m perceived online it’s so fucking bothersome. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I did things differently. I wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time. I wish depression didn’t put such a halt to my success & I didn’t feel it as consistently & constantly as I do.

There are times I feel so fucking amazing & incredible & loved & beautiful & for every one of those moments I equally feel the complete opposite. It makes me sick. Literally. In the mind & body. I turn to drugs, alcohol, food, & sex to feel instant gratification from the constant lows that creep up on me. Everyday is a learning process on how not to spiral into a pit of self despair.

I hope I find some sort of peace of mind tonight.

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kellyahernart · 3 years

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