It's 3am.. And I suddenly thought about u.. I dunno what triggered it. I suddenly remember you came here at this hour.. I told you not to but u did..you were in your house clothes clearly you were desperate to see me to not even mind how you look. I wanted u to go home.. But instead you begged.. Hugged me tightly.. And you burst out into tears. You cried so hard, so loud, and so real. I was strucked but didn't show u that. I pretended I was strong and wasn't affected. Still you continued.. Hugging me, crying, pleading.. That was the most heart-wrenching moment of my life. It hurt so much and at the same time felt promising. I know deep inside that I love you so much and by facing me you also showed me that you did. Writing about this now the heavy weight in my chest starts to uplift.. Now I'm asking myself, what you felt when the table was turned.. You who was hurt and I who begged. Goodnight

All the plans I thought of doing for this day..

Reality slap

Stop stalking because it will hurt you more. Remember,.. She didn't love you. If she did she would've fought for you. Always remember that. If she loved you she never cheated on you over and over.. If she loved you she never made lying so easy to the point of making you give up on the relationship.. She would've fought back if she loved you... She would have not given up on you and unloved you that easily. So again, she never did. Remember that. She doesn't deserve to be cried for.. Or to feel you are sorry for yourself. Don't destroy your life because of someone who doesn't care. Be strong. Now you know who she really is and who you are to her. How disposable you are to her. Remember, she never loved you. She will never will.. Please keep that in mind. Please

Taping my mouth into a smile

Things I miss: Her huge smile that melts my heart Her perfect teeth Her cute round face Her expression when I tease her The face she makes when she's angry The way she rolls her eyes when she's pissed The way she dressed Those cute little flats on her big feet 😂 The way she laughs without hesitation as she covers her mouth with her hand Her being innocent The things she doesn't know that needs explanations Places she's been for the first time Her warm hand Her clumsiness that made me smile The way she shakes when I burst out The way she cries 😞 The way I hug her when she's sad The way we look at each other and without any word we spark a connection The way she gets drunk The way she gets naughty Everytime she's excited Times when she told me "kaya mo yan babe" The cute surprises she gave The things she drew for me The crafts she wanted to make just to make me say "galing ni baby" 😊 The times she push me to do better Being my biggest fan as a chef and as a crappy singer loving Miranda sings The way she hugs her dog The way she reacts when she sees a dog The way we argue in a conversation Her kisses The way she kisses my cheeks The way she rests her head on me The way she liked my strong hugs For eating equally as I did For being shy towards new people For being a fighter The way she make goals The times she gets angry with her mom and I calm her down, then she thanks me 😊 The way she reacts when I'm being disgusting or playful For loving BBQ fries like me The times we talked about anything The night strolls The surprise visits.. With Food pa paminsan 😂 she texts me she's heading home but suddenly calls that she's outside our house. The way she eats a spoonful of food when I tell her to finish her meal How sexy she looks on her dresses Her legs Her on heels 😍 The way she sings Her choir concerts The time she told me maki's and sushi's are disgusting but now loves them For being crazy For being awkward.. Like really awkward For being shy when she farted The times that we don't know what to do The parties and the times I go silly drunk on her The way she eats in our messy house The way she enjoyed our simple food The way she smirks at my corny jokes For asking me the meaning of words I use like: smirk, qualms, and so on. The times she show off her grades The way she ties her hair The selfies that goes on and on Pizza Her favorite food which is fish The way she lies flat on my bed smiling waiting for me to tell her to wash her hands first The way she sleeps and sometimes her mouth is open 😁 The way she gets shy talking to my family The same thing she says everytime we drop her off at home "ay diri na lang tito, para dili na magsaka" For telling me she's finished doing things i tell her but really didn't. The way she talks about her plans Her future goals Her humor and playfulness in a toy store Garlic pepper beef 😂 Her efforts Her family everything about HER

To the person who left

Dear happiness, I'm speechless. I need a hug from you. That feeling of deep sincerity. That warmth. That touch of complete happiness. To be at peace. To feel comfort. To stop pain. That stroke of lust. That love... I miss my home in you. Stay happy From, the broken armor who was told to stop fighting.

I hope you understand how I wanted you to respect me and our relationship.. I didn't gave up on us.. I gave up on you.

Too much bullshit made me snap

At the moment my head is sinking in a deep abyss of nothingness. I was not expecting this, but it is what it is now - empty. Getting hurt and disappointed over and over makes a person numb. The person i least expected pulled out this demon inside me. My head snapped and my heart was hanging there frozen. I stood and broke into a pointless laugh of hopelessness. Cold hearted, shattered.. Hungry for more pain.

Insomnia

Why cant you sleep when you have something on your mind and have a heavy heart ? Why do you lose your appetite? I mean how does love give that strong reaction to the body and have full control. I'm in blank space now.. Thoughts enter my head as rapid that I cant even tell you what I'm thinking about. Messed up thoughts.Mixed emotions.. It all boils down to one feeling - sadness. I can't sleep and I just want to curl up in bed ,under my sheets, with the comforts of my pillows . I know this is not the ideal man you hoped me to be but how can I hide the pain? Tell me.

I am lost and empty. I can't even talk to u right now.

SHE WILL NEVER BE YOURS!!! SHE WAS NEVER YOURS IN THE FIRST PLACE. KEEP THAT IN MIND.

The guy who's always the option

I'm not prefect . I did all I can. Why lord???? .. I did everything i can. I'm not perfect.I should love myself now.this is ridiculous that I'm.typing my thoughts now in this bullshut account of mine.but I just don't have anyone to talk to. If u had answerd my calls.. Things would have been different . but I guess god gave me this situation so that I will realize now to stop being an option and be the choice.. I know therell be no other girl who would fall for me so better yet I should start to love myself now. Sino pa ba ibang gagawa nun. Gumising ka na!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaake uppppp!!! She is not your happy ending

The heart that didn't get the happy ending he wanted

Its 2:43am and I've been calling you nonstop. Flashes of you pouncing on some other person's naked body keep running in my head . I want it to stop.I want it to end. It hurts so much. The pain in my heart I can't even describe.. I've been here, I've felt this already..but why does it still break me into pieces. How many pieces should fall apart..how many times should I pick them up for someone to just break them again.. Im so lost that I don't know what to do anymore.. The only person I trust in this world just proved to me how I am nothing, how we are nothing. I cant fathom the feeling of despair...I'm so crushed knowing that I can't run to anyone but myself..let the pain linger. Let the pain slowlykill me inside, and then maybe some day I'll be whole again. I will make a vow that I will never ever be fooled by my heart ever again. But for this time if only I can take it out my body to stop me from shedding these tears. I'm weak. I'm nothing.

Feeding this reocurring Headache

I hate this feeling when both of us are not aligned. It's clear that we started out a wreck ..but will it forever be like this? I might leave this earth soon.. May it be an accident, a deadly virus, or the apocalypse.. I just feel it happening. I just want you to know how I loved you so much despite all things you unraveled. This is what's written in the book of life I guess and somehow I am quite accepting it. Im tired of all the drama and the pain. Soon

staring blankly in deep ambivalence

I've been quite scared of how things are happening around me. Fact is, we have no control of what comes and goes. The only thing we are sure of is that there will be a significant feeling for every action that takes place. Feeling, my greatest fear. 

HA HA HA HA HA

LOL THIS!

that's why I don't want to know the past. ..

and yes, I'm left with words that shouldn't be uttered. NO NO NO, what's happening to me.. I'm puzzled. Dumbfounded from all this negative thoughts. Help me. numb my brain.