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kaylainbloom · 4 years

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An open letter, to the man I love, that I hope I never have to send:

March 30 2020

I need some time and space because you don’t deserve a girl who is insecure and nitpicks apart every action in our relationship.

There are small and large things that have contributed to me feeling this way. I’m not saying that they’re all valid or your fault but they have contributed to me not being happy because I now over think every action. I’m not saying that I think you’re cheating on me again, even though it bothers me that I can have that suspicion. I’m not saying that you’re definitely less invested in this than I am, I’m just saying it bothers me that sometimes I feel that way.

I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. I’m just not happy with the fact that I do have these feelings and I need time and space to work on myself to make sure that they go away.

I know that they may not seem like a big deal to you but they’re things that have chipped away and made me feel more and more insecure and unsure over time. The fact that after a few weeks in Korea your location stopped working and you never fixed it, the fact that you don’t have my number saved like I’m some random girl on your phone, changing the back ground on your computer and your phone so it’s not us (it makes me feel like you’re hiding or not proud of something it felt abrupt and odd ), especially after having condoms in both your car and your wallet even though we don’t use them, telling me you didn’t feel the same way and haven’t had butterflies for awhile, then having a full blown conversation with your ex and not seeing anything wrong with it, not noticing when I get dressed up or put makeup on to FaceTime so i stopped trying because I don’t feel beautiful to you, not using any of those stupid coupon things I gave you to bring us closer, me telling you I don’t feel special or celebrated and that being the end of the conversation. A lot of these I’ve buried or chosen to ignore but everything something new happens I remember it all.

These things may not be on your radar, or they might, whenever I bring them up it causes an argument and we move past it without coming up with concrete tangible ways to tackle it. I’m not trying to keep track of all the things I’ve felt were done it’s just the way I internalize things. You said something the other day like why do the logistics matter? We fundamentally dont care about the same things because to me a lot of the shit you do is a slap in the face to me as a girlfriend and it’s something that’s so insignificant to you. I’m not saying you don’t have your own stuff, and I’m sorry that you don’t always feel comfortable opening up and saying them. I’m saying that I know my stuff and lately it’s just been piling on.

I do love u, so much. But I’ve been hurting for awhile and because I’m not whole I can’t be in this relationship the way I want to be without also hurting you. I love you but I grapple with needing time/space. I know that’s not really what we do or how we operate. I love you and I want this cycle to stop.

Kayla

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kaylainbloom · 5 years

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Is it okay to [hate] someone you love?

I guess that this might not be the best title for this blog post but I'm tired.

I'm tired of draining both of us to do something I can't admit to myself that I can't do.

I can't get over him cheating on me and I hate him for that.

Time may fix the situation, but right now is now and I feel... angry and hopeless and just... tired.

I'm trying to focus on my next season of blooming. Maybe all of this happened because I'm supposed to take this next step of life, by myself. Idk. I'm trying not to look future based and look more in the now.

My "now" says that I'm tired. My "now" says some days I have too much anger in my heart to make this work. My "now" says to just let him go and that all this fighting and arguing isn't good for anyone. I want to follow my “now”... I'm just afraid of the future my now will create.

But I didn't do this... He did. He created this world of anger, mistrust, overanalyzing and resentment.

I don't know what to do.

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kaylainbloom · 5 years

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I want to expand on this.

I was having dreams of him cheating on me. Feelings deep in my gut. Things were great, phenomenal, amazing but something-- one thing was out of place. I couldn’t place it, I didn’t know what it was, something was just wrong in my soul.

I was right.

I didn’t want to be right.

A part of me feels like I manifested this myself, but what I’m not going to do is blame myself like I’ve done each time before.

What I think I’m most hurt about, nay most angry about is because I didn’t think he was capable. I mean yes, I thought he was capable because anyone is capable but I didn’t think he was actually fucking capable of it. Of lying to me, betraying me, I didn’t think he could be sexually attracted to someone else-- how naïve.

This time feels different [sucha disgusting disturbing thing to say that I have multiple situations to compare this to but it really does feel different]. The intense anger isn’t there. The depression isn’t there. The resentment isn’t there. The disgust isn’t there. The overall repulsion isn’t there.

I don’t know why, I wish I knew why, it makes me mad that I don’t feel that way because I feel like I should. Sometimes I hate him but it’s not the same. Not even close.

We’re taking a break.. I’ve done breaks before but this time it's different. I’ve done a break before and it was rooted in pain. I’m not rooted in pain. I feel like I’m rebuilding? Like we can be better? I don’t know if that's me being hopeful and ignore signs but I’m not here to lie to myself.

Heres some facts about how I’m feeling: Angry, embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, like garbage--disposable.

How I’m also feeling: Like we can heal, like this isn’t the end, like things can get better, like we can be better.

How that makes me feel: like a pushover ass bitch, like I'm weak, like I’m making excuses, like I’m asking for this to happen again, like I deserve love that wasn’t or hasn’t been rooted in pain first.

I think I’m ready to close this post. I got cheated on. Again. By a man I love. Again. But it doesn’t feel the same. Different. A part of me wonders if this needed to happen in some fucked up way. To knock our high and mighty “our relationship is better than yours” asses down a couple pegs. How if this happened when he was overseas-- we wouldn’t make it. How lately he’s been pissing me off and I’ve been wondering if we’re supposed to even be together so this shit forced me to revisit the core of why I’m with him. There could be a multitude of reasons why it happened but All of that to say, why the fuck can’t a man be faithful to me?? Is it so hard? Am I that hard to respect? And love? I’m mad but I want to heal.. I just don’t know if it's truly possible for a person like me.

This blog post definitely isn’t helpful or insightful. I’m just here to say that life gives you bullshit even in the most beautiful of circumstances and how you deal with the bullshit is specific to you and your needs.

I wanted to do a clever play on my “stay blooming” closing. Something about pruning or death and rebirth but I can’t think of anything so fuck that man for cheating on me.

--

Kayla

okay, something just came to me. An article about how our body won’t process pain to keep us alive--some sort of coping mechanism bullshit. So now I’m afraid that I’m not actually feeling my feelings because my body is hiding my emotions from me... I guess I do have some Yoda ass advice...

Sit in your feelings and acknowledge them. Do what makes you uncomfortable and see if it’s what you need. I don’t know what he’s done, or how he's felt, I don’t know how he’ll feel or what he’ll do. I can only foreshadow my possible actions and emotions; once I'm capable of truly recognizing them.

🌷🌷🌷🌷

I think he's cheating

Too many missed calls

Too many secret texts

Too aloof

And I know he'd be good at it

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kaylainbloom · 5 years

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Unsent text messages to Alabama

I love you. More than I ever thought possible. Even the parts I can't stand about you, I love. I know we don't mesh together perfectly, and I know we've been bumping heads lately but I really do love you. Every person that I thought I loved, or that I've had love for, left me. Every single one.. And not one of them comes close to my feelings for you. I'm always too much, or there's something better, I don't know. I know it's not fair that my emotions for you run deep and it's not exactly your fault that you don't know how to match it, but I'm so terrified that you're going to leave me or I'm going to push you away. I love you and I know you love me but it's scary that I don't think you love me the same.

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kaylainbloom · 5 years

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Am I beautiful?

I’ve been thinking about the subject of beauty a lot lately. I wrote this not to say that I need an outward approval to be beautiful, but I think an outward perception of beauty is really important. Anyone can see they're beautiful, but what does attractiveness really mean if those looking at you don’t view you as attractive?

I grew up having people tell me that I look like my mother, never believing them because my mother was beautiful and I was not. But isn't that just what adolescent is? Looking at your light skin mother with long hair in childish envy, mixed with admiration because your skin is dark and your hair is short. Its short because the chemicals she used to relax her curls, hate your kinks. This is not a form of looking for an outward vindication it’s just what I believe to be fair. As I grew up I found myself to be pretty or beautiful to certain people-- I myself standing alone could be beautiful, once surrounded by people their beauty outshone mine.

This is not a level of insecurity, once again this is just what I consider to be fact. My junior year of College I had the person I was dating tell me that he couldn’t tell me it was beautiful or it'll go straight to my head. He also never told me I was beautiful unless he actually meant it. Even though it seems mean, I appreciate it. We live in a day and age where we overhype individuals so that they know we see their attractiveness. Its not real. It's gotten to the point that when someone comments on my supposed beauty, I chalk it up to the game. It may be real, but not as much as they're pretending it is.

I don’t know where this post is going but I've said my peace.

🌷🌷🌷🌷

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kaylainbloom · 5 years

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Where I’m at is where I need to be

It's important to highlight the good times

I tend to write only when my heart is heavy, when I’m anxious, sad or going through it with a guy. It makes me seem brooding, emotional and depressed. Yes, I am emotional.

Yes, I suffer from depression at times, but I’m doing oh so much better. Let me highlight some things. I am currently scared shitless that I won’t get into law school but the silver lining in this is that if I don’t get in I’ll apply to humanitarian missions around the world.

I sometimes still am anxious or experience depression, but I’m vocal about it and handle it way better now.

My relationship is good, like really good. It’s stable, we communicate, we’re open and honest and loving. Our relationship is work but for the first time, it’s not hard. It brings me an immense amount of joy to say this.

Sometimes, life is hard, like really hard. Even reading my last post from January makes me realize that hard doesn’t mean the end of the world is coming.

I’m proud of myself for being healthy enough to be okay even when I’m not okay.

Alabama leaves for Korea in September and I’m okay.

I haven’t gotten into law school yet and I’m okay.

I’m still anxious and depressed sometimes and yet I’m okay.

I can’t plan out every moment of my life and I’M OKAY!!!!!!!

To be able to say that feels spectacularly amazing. I have so much to be worried about but I just got offered a job yesterday, and my boyfriend loves me, and I’m healthy, and I’ve been waitlisted for two schools, I stopped myself from having a panic attack a week ago, I’m open and honest with the people around me.

Gracias a Dios

I'm blooming and I hope you are too🌷🌷🌷🌷

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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Payback

I think this is payback for every guy I've ever strung along, even though I had no intention of following through.

I'm trying to find the "what are you teaching me" within the "why are you doing this to me" during the times I cry out to God.

I’ve spent the last few months hung up on this person to the point that, I kind of don’t want to be with him anymore. Black women deserve to find a love that isn’t first rooted in pain and honestly, we will always have this foundation where our love story started, if it ever starts at all, in pain.

🌷🌷🌷🌷

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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he makes my heart...

He makes my heart skip more than a beat, he makes it palpate. Sometimes I think somethings happening to my heart, like it's bursting. But bursting sounds harmful, I should say, blooming. My body has an electric current going through it. There's a frog in my throat. I feel pulsating vibes through my skull. Every single clichéd phenomenon there is, I have. Except for one, I feel something pure with him, not clichéd, I feel GOD when I talk to him. I feel GOD with him, through him, from him.

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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Reasons how I know I'm in love with him:

- when his name pops up on my screen, my heart skips a beat

- i can't stop thinking about him. work, home, relaxing, in my dreams, he's always in my head.

- i'd rather he be alone and happy than stifling his fire and with me

- i want to do everything in my power to make him feel joy

- his dreams and aspirations make my heart warm

- i can be quiet when I'm with him. i don't feel a need to fill the silence

- when i plan my future, he's in it

- i pray for him AND his family

- i want him to go follow his dreams even if it means leaving me

- because platonic love from him has felt more amazing than romantic love from anyone else, ever

- because i always want to be in his presence, even if for a moment

- i never want to go to sleep in hopes that i can speak to him for a few seconds

-his last name sounds beautiful next to my first

-because for the first time, planning for the future with anyone else, even jokingly or fantasizing, feels wrong

-because im willing to cut off contact to move past him

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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" There is the love of your life and love for your life, the love of your life will be your weak point for a long time, but it won't work, while the love for your life is the one that works in a complete way. There's the one that's right and the one you want to be right. "

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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The unspoken word

There is an unspokeness after "I don’t want to relationship", that unspokeness is "with you". There’s an unspokeness after "I don’t feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable", that unspokeness is "with you". Never forget that, always remember that. I’ll help you put your self worth at an all time high.

The pain that comes from not being with the person you love, is real. I am a believer that love may not always be easy, but it comes easy if you’re with the right person. Love for the people that I’ve been with has been hard, has been challenging, hasn’t been the right time, and they haven’t felt comfortable enough with me.

Comfortability comes with time, but also it comes with the right person. I provide so much love that the person wants to be comfortable with me but they just can’t. It hurts because I fall for words, I fall for 'I love yous', I fall for plans in the future, I fall for a lot of things. But what I have come to realize is you have to look at what is right. If someone isn’t ready to love or if someone isn’t ready to be romantic it doesn’t mean that one day they will be, it just means that they don’t feel comfortable doing that with you.

This definitely stems from something that's wrong with me. Don't forget to self reflect.

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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I asked my ex what was so bad about being in a relationship with me.

He said I was emotionally volatile.

He said putting my emotions on other people and expecting them to accept them is irrational.

He said that I always make the person feel like they're not enough and that someone else can take their place.

These are my faults. I'm a bad lover. I'm too much. In all aspects

If you follow my blog you know this is a reoccurring theme. I hoped that I'd meet someone who I'm not a lot to, but who am I kidding. Who would sign up for this when there are so many other easier and better options out there. I am unrealistic and will never be a choice.

If you feel this way, be content in being alone. I'm sure it's not that bad in the long run.

Don't forget to water yourself this season,

K

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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The black and white love

I recently got told that I see the world in black and white, that I’m all or nothing kind of person. It was in the context of relationships. How I either don’t like someone at all or I fall head over heels completely devoted to them. So I sat back and self-reflected over the statement. Am I really a this or that person? Am I really an all in or nothing person? And I came to a conclusion.

I see the world in infinite beautiful color. I am not black and white, I am ROYGBIV bitch. There are some colors that shine brighter than others, that doesn’t make them less significant that just makes them different to the naked eye.

I love so passionately because I know at the end of the day everyone is going to leave me. It’s a fact of my life that I have accepted now. The times I didn’t love ferociously and stand in my truth, I regretted it. Family, friends, partners... My grandpa passed away without me ever saying goodbye. I missed out on months of loving someone because I was too stubborn. I've had people walk away from me because I can’t speak up. I've watched people die, people leave, I've experienced health problems that made me question the duration of life.

I need to love in color because it’s the only way I know how. Being told I love in black and white hurt because it's not a ‘have me now or never have me’ love, it's an ‘i can turn your life to technicolor but it'll drain me if it's not reciprocated so let me fall back if we’re not on the same page’ love.

Why should someone have the privilege of experiencing a love like no other if they can’t give me the same? That might seem like an all or nothing to some people, that may seem like I’m protecting myself but it’s very simple. It’s my personality. I love in color and I don’t want to waste it on anyone who can’t give me the same. I am deserving of that and so are you. I have never met someone who loves like I do. Someone who found me worthy of loving me in color.

I am the ‘its not the right time’ girl. The ‘I thought I wanted this but I don’t’ girl. The ‘my feelings are complicated, I love you I just can't love you right now’ girl. This has been my story for years. And that's okay. Some could say, I have a whole life to live, you don't know who can come around. , I found someone who was willing to fake loving me in color, I found someone I was willing to settle for and love them in color but not get that love back, I found someone I thought could love me in color but couldn't right now and the common denominator is me. I am too colorful for anyone. It will never work. I am too much. I will never be loved the way I love.

I have to say these things to myself or else every single man I meet I’ll hold my breath in anticipation of him being my love in color. I can’t do that. I can’t live like that. I'm better off being by myself because I can’t disappoint myself.

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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I can't get over him and I've followed you over the last few years. Men do you so dirty and you bounce back. How do you do it? How do you heal? How do I get where you are? (You can make this public)

To start, thank you for coming to me. You could’ve reached out to anyone anywhere and asking me was a really big step.

First off…you’re right, men have done me really dirty. I could probably write a book about the things that have happened to me and more things have happened to me than a lot of my friends. All that to say, I wrote a lot of this stuff in the height of emotion. Yes these things were bad, and yes I felt them deeply but just to be clear I was writing in the moment. That pain that you’re reading is fresh wounds and I use writing to heal.

Secondly, I was able to heal because of me. I have a very romanticized view of love. I believe in soulmates, dating your best friend, and sweeping declarations. I believe in long talks about your feelings and being there for someone in the good times but most importantly the bad. I believe in being a literal ride or die for your partner and help them grow to the maximum potential that God has planned for them. I believe in life partners but not everyone thinks the way I do.

Thirdly, after breaking up with people I step back and look at the relationship, what went wrong, why did it end, how did it end, what about this person didn't I like, what didn’t I like about myself? These questions for me have been instrumental in my healing process because it makes me realize that they were not my person. This level of self-reflection has been key for me. My super romanticized view of love has caused me to believe that there is truly someone out there for me that will hit all my boxes and make me the person that I am supposed to be. If we broke up it had to be for a reason and I choose to view these reasons as learning experiences, which in hand, helps me ‘get over’ someone. Because how can you be for someone that isn’t for you?

Fourthly, that is all extremely logical thinking lol I recognize that. It’s easy to talk about getting over someone and very difficult to actually do so. I remember the nights of crying myself to sleep, tearing up during an exam, walking out of class, sitting my bare ass on the shower floor and using the sound of water to cover my tears. I remember begging people not to leave me, yelling at them for hurting me, lowering my standards and compromising myself in order to keep a man around that treated me way below the threshold that I deserved to be treated. I’m smart as hell, I'm really pretty, my soul is kind, and I love with all my heart. I had so much to offer and I still let men treat me like someone who was disposable. I am indisposable. The second you realize that the easier getting over someone is.

To sum up my little essay, I am able to get over people, move on from my traumatic experiences and date again simply because I believe that there is a better person out there for me. I recognize the part that I played in the demise of my relationship and where the other person’s faults lie. I use it as a tool for the type of man I do want to ultimately find. I also want to take this time to say that even if I never had a man walk into my life ever again and I was single until the day I was called home, I would be content. Being with/finding someone is not the goal. I want to live this amazing life that I know the Lord has planned for me and if I am blessed enough for someone to join me on this journey, so be it, if not I’ll continue to focus on my life, family, and career. Getting over someone is easier when your life is full without a partner.

To be completely transparent I have gotten my heart broken recently. Last week to be exact and all of my tools and strategies that usually work, don’t seem to be working right now. I found the faults in this man, I found the faults within myself, I found the faults in our ‘relationship’ and here I am still loving him. So now I’ve learned a new tool. It is okay to not be “over” somebody. He didn’t do me dirty, I didn’t do him dirty, sometimes things just don’t work out and when things just ‘don’t work out’, channel that energy into something positive. Distract yourself. Cut the person off for a bit. Focus on you until YOU’RE in the right headspace. Before you know it those feelings will begin to dissipate, and if they don’t, recognize that those feelings may always be there but that doesn’t mean you can’t feel them again for someone else. One important thing to remember is, never let the other person capitalize off of these feelings. Stand strong in who you are and never ever settle. You are worth your standard and more.

I really hope this helped and that my ramblings didn’t go on for too long..Happy budding and blooming anon,

Kayla

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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I went on a date yesterday 6/15/18

I went on a date yesterday and drove past the only Airforce recruitment center I think I've ever seen in New Jersey. I chuckled a little and continued driving to the Ritas I was meeting the guy at. I sat in the car, waited for my date and smiled while sitting on my phone. I ordered a mango and passion fruit Italian Ice. He paid, rightfully so, as I had just driven the 30 minutes simply for Rita's. We took our ever so quickly melting icee to a park 10 minutes away. We sat there in the park, talking for about an hour or so.

You know all I was thinking? "Damn I'm talking too much". Isn't that hilarious? The only thing I could think about while sitting on a picnic bench with a handsome man was "damn I'm talking too much". I never spoke too much with Alabama. He made me shut up. He made me listen. He made me want to shut up and listen. I rambled on and laughed and made great conversation with this new guy and all I could focus on was how much I was talking and how that never happened with Alabama. With Alabama, I talked just enough.

I think I should stick to my original plan and not date. I also decided that I'm not going to be in love with Alabama anymore, I'm going to be his friend. LOVE IS A CHOICE. Remember that. Platonic love from him is richer than any romantic love I've gotten from anyone else. This is not me settling, this is me choosing to surround myself with the love of friends and not date. It just doesn't work for me and that's okay.

Know what works for you.

I spoke to Alabama today and guess what.. my feelings are diminishing. I can disengage my feelings and let him be my best friend. I'm very happy.

Let go and let God y'all. Don't settle and let everything fall into place.

Keep blooming,

K

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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I love him and I love to love him

Even though I’m feeling exceptionally sad right now I think I want to celebrate all the good things that Alabama had to offer.

I’ve had two or three really impactful relationships in my life. The one in High School changed me, damaged me but then it also made me think differently. The two in college made me realize that I put 100% into relationships and I was settling and I was fine with not getting 100% back.

I am at this point where I have met an amazing man, Alabama. This man has become so important to me in such a short amount of time. And I think it’s because he is honestly my best friend. Out of the three relationships I have been in, I have never in my life been as close as I am to a person as I have with Alabama.

I have never responded to a persons smile as much, I have never wanted to speak to person as much, I have never laughed with the person as much, I have never rolled my eyes at a person as much, I have never wanted to tell anyone everything every single part of me as much, I have never shut up as much and listened to a person before in my life I want to know everything a part of him and his soul and his dreams and desires, I have never been so proud of a person in my life, I have never wanted to talk about a person as much in my life, I have never left a person in my life that I have loved because I think it would be better for them.

He has taught me how to be selfless he has taught me how to put someone else first in a healthy way. I have put 110% in relationships and been fine with getting 70% back but for the first time I recognize that maybe even if I can be 100% I should expect the other person to be and if they can’t be, why should I settle? I love him and respect him enough to give him the space he needs to grow, to not loathe him for not being over his ex, to understand that he is at a critical point in his life and I might not be the best thing for him. There is a time when I would’ve never thought like this. I would’ve felt like the person wasn’t choosing me. But now I just realize that he is my best friend and all I want for him to be happy and healthy and be on the right path in life and I want everything for him but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be sad that him and I are not together. I have officially fallen in love with someone in the most healthy way possible I’m so blessed that it was him. So I’m going to let my beautiful brown eyed dream come true , go.

K

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kaylainbloom · 6 years

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Being a survivor of sexual assault sucks

I'm super nervous to have sex again. I'm nervous because I don't want to freak out afterwards. Even if it's only in my head I don't want to. I want to feel happy and content after sex. Not shameful, used and afraid the person I had sex with only wants me for the physical. I can't help it. It's like after everything finishes the endorphins start to where off I'm filled with so much inner turmoil. I'm here to say ladies, gentlemen and all gender non conforming folx, fuck. Fuck as freely and as frequently as you want to, but maybe when things start feeling off balance on the inside, you should reflect.

I can't have casual sex, I feel disgusting afterward. I feel used and I feel dirty. It's all this internalized misogyny coupled with the fact that I was repeatedly coerced into sex when I was a teenager.

I've made the choice to have sex with one man, someone I care deeply for (can't really admit love yet) and voice to him the problems I have around sex in order to hopefully get out of this cycle and feel more loved. I need to not be fucked for awhile, I need to be cared for while I'm having sex. I need to be reassured during and cuddled after.

I think what I'm trying to say from this blog post is this, know what you need in terms of sex. I'm trying to create parameters as to better understand what I need from sex. So that I don't get feel so toxic anymore. Shit. I need love with sex. That sucks.

Xox

K

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