kawaiilittlepiglet-blog
kawaii piglet
I'm 36 and divorced. sighroll.
22 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
worldnewads
worldnewads
seiya-natsume
☆Seiya☆
seiya-natsume
☆Seiya☆
seiya-natsume
☆Seiya☆
jgcoyne
welp.
Text
Ugh.
So. I feel like I’ve finally found my life’s “passion”. This thing I have been looking for at least since I was a teen. I thought I would be called by some higher power to this... and I would make it my career. As there is that pressure now to do something you love. I never found it.... but part of that is definitely because I wasn’t open to finding it.
I really inherited my dad’s dread of instability. It’s only now that I realize I’m not an immigrant with 2 children to feed. I’m single. And I only have me to take care of (For now).
Working an office job seemed liked the height of comfort and achievement. Mostly because it meant not working in factories like my parents, or not just doing what rolled into my lap like most of the other Hamiltonians I knew.
Fear and anxiety crippled me. But now, I know how much I love drawing. Cartooning. It’s always been there. I just never understand an avenue to get into it. I also only thought of the big prize. If I liked cartoons that meant I had to be an animator and therefore my goal would have to be to work for pixar. Or i’d have to make a t.v show. Those seemed daunting and out of my league so I never tried.
Now I’ve finally realized that that’s ok, if those aren’t my goals. But I do want to draw more. I think i’d like to do what I see people online do - travel to cons, sell my work. It would mean I’d still need a job to pay the bills. I’m ok with this compromise.
July 10, 2017, I drew a picture of me and Huey in illustrator. I was inspired by a few accounts I followed and finally actually FINISHED something. that was the kicker. I then drew a whole bunch of friends with animals. It came so naturally. This January I decided I wanted to take my drawing further, a bigger project, something more - I didn’t know what it was, but I wanted to keep working toward that.
Almost a year later - I have decided to really plunge myself into drawing.
It feels SO liberating to have a purpose outside of work. In fact it was a great work-related depression that led me to this.
Originally I was afraid to contemplate something like this - and I still have a bit of this feeling - because of my newfound singledom. It’d be SO much easier to freelance and take on drawing if I had a partner who made a ton of money. To support me financially. And emotionally... and that made me feel yet again mad at him. But I realized I probably couldn’t have come to this realization if I were still with him. Him, or needing the disaster of divorce to show me my resilience, or a combo of both. Also, i don’t think he could be emotionally supportive in the way I’d need.. The money would be lorded over my head.
So, in a way I have MORE freedom now. but it’s scary. I have to make a plan, I have to do a lot of research, and I’m going to have to take a lot of risks, save a lot of money. And I have to know that it MAY not pan out... and I may end up working a full time office job for the rest of my life. That fucking terrifies me so much.
But the idea of working freelance/contract is scary. i’m not confident in my skills. I have a strange skillset. I have a broad bit of everything, so I’m helpful on a team, but ... neither a designer nor a developer... it’s hard. but maybe doable. I gotta try.
I feel a little meh about it today. I’m working on a drawing for L and i’m letting go of perfection, and just trying to go with the flow, I think it’s good. I don’t know how much to charge.
I also need a more solid plan/timeline.
Taking art classes is great. taking more classes i great too. I think I need to identify the areas of research/progress to make. and how to do it. and with a timeline.
God I kind of hate doing this alone. I don’t NECESSARILY want a partner to financially support me (though it’d be 500000% easier), but god damn, at lest the emotional support. I’m feeling lonely. I just HAVE. TO. TRUST.
0 notes
Text
I’ve cried a lot
In the past... 2 months I’ve cried maybe 1x a week, sometimes 2. So def 1x a week on average. this is not... really good. This isn’t an ideal situation.
I miss him, the idea/potential of him. I hate so much that he didn’t love me. I feel like a fool and so betrayed. Does that ever heal? does that ever go away?
Life right now feels like a struggle. I’m doing the work but it definitely feels like I can lose at any time.
I’m fantasizing of quitting my job and moving somewhere smaller, cheaper. quieter. safer. I want to run away. I want to stop the pain.
I’ve started looking for jobs *again*, because of this fear/anxiety I feel. and none of the jobs in my field speak to me in anyway. I don’t care. I don’t want to do them. I’m so unfullfilled.
I’m so sad I can’t get a dog.
0 notes
Text
Do I love hating my life?
Almost 4 months since my last post, and I feel like a lot has happened.
The Ex tried talking to me. There were the typical odd random reach outs. I gave in and decided to have dinner with him (i suggested it).. he’s breaking up with his gf. in fact they are now broken up and Im not sure why he told me. but he’s .. not good at communicating so he doesn’t really know how to do it right anyway.
I ... miss him but I still kind of hate him. I mean, It’s impossible. I wanted him to be someone else and I married that person. There’s no way I can get past that - not any time soon.
I’ve stopped trying to date though. I’m STARTING to accept being alone a bit more. And getting less afraid of being alone forever. only slightly. But the reason I’m able to be less afraid of that is that I’m investing more in myself.
It turns out I don’t like my job. Well, it’s not so bad, but It makes me anxious. Almost daily. And... I’m just sick of that. This september marks my 14th year in this field. I’ve really REALLY given it a good go. I’ve made some strides. But I hate. I hate corporate communications. Even for a good organization that works for a cause I care about. It’s all bullshit.
But what do I do instead? that I don’t know. I know that I love drawing and toys and comics, cartoons etc - and I want to get into that. I don’t know if I could do it as a career that pays the bills but I do think that it is the only path - the only option I have for some sort of life fulfillment.
I tried my bet to get a dog. but I can’t afford it as a single person who works full time. My heart broke so much. I put all my hopes on that, and when I found out it wasn’t feasible, i felt devastated. My job will never fullfill me. And I’m alone. and I couldn’t even get a dog.
So i go further down this path. Drawing. I love it. I’m good at it. I want to get better. I want to do more of it and sell my work. I don’t think I’ll ever make much money off of it, if any sort of steady income - but... it’s like the opposite feeling I get from work.
I’m learning to think of things differently. I don’t have the naive assumption that I need to go to school and try to get into the industry - like I did when I was younger.
I’m so deathly afraid but I’m so sick of this. I feel like a weirdo - does no one else go crazy at the thought/feeling of having to wear certain clothing and not being able to tell stupid jokes? Bleh.
Also. Some days I hate life so much that I just want to fall into a small coma.
0 notes
Text
Valentines
This is my 3rd valentines day alone. It’s MUCH LESS painful. I’m in a much better place. I’m a lot happier.
I got a new job that pays well, I’m really developing seriously into my hobbies. I’m trying new things. There’s still a lot of areas of growth but I feel confdient that... I can manage them.
I’m seriously considering getting a dog this year. Instead of just waiting for it to happen, or for the time to be right. There’s so few things I can control, especially when it comes to my happiness, so I feel like I might as well do it now. I hope it’ll help with the lonliness. I hope by putting my energy into myself I’ll be able to meet someone down the road.
I’m kind of afraid to go back onto any dating site. But my 3 month hiatus is only half over so things may change yet - as far as my mood goes. I’m really enjoyig being single more and more.
0 notes
Text
New year new... things?
It’s offically 2018 and soon after the new year, I got an email from my divorce lawyer staying that the divorce officially went through on December 27th. So it’s real. That is over. I told Aaron. I’m waiting for the final bill, which he has offered to pay half of. thank god.
I’ve been doing mostly good - but there are the same feelings. I miss little bits of him. I’m angry at him for lying to me. to himself. but i’m also angry at myself for lying to myself. the time wasted.
He told me he’d be there. he told me all he needed in his life was me.
I guess it’s more contempt than anger at this point. It’s more disappointment.
One of my new years resolutions/goals is to try and become more comfortable with being single. It’s so hard. I mean it’s going well for the most part, since most men I’ve met on tinder are not good in anyway - but... ... it’s weird, as I become more comfortable with myself and the cool challenges I’m facing:
new job
drawing
climbing
I wish i had someone there to help and support me. but is it unhealthy/ I mean I basically wanted him to take care of me and I see now how that is not healthy at all... but.. I guess a little bi twould be nice? maybe there’s a difference between support and taking care of, and I’m more on that side now.
either way... being lonely sucks so hard. but i just need to get through the next two months - as I had a 3 month goal of staying off online dating. I think I can do it.
0 notes
Text
Bit by bit
I messaged him on Friday night. I told him that I missed talking to him sometimes. We had a cordial chat. He asked if I was dating - I said no because tinder sucks. I (jokingly) asked if he knew any single guys - and he said he did but he had just gotten out of a complicated wedding situation. lolz. (He’s referring to P)
...
His gf doesn’t climb with him.
I feel sad and alone. it feels like it takes so much work sometimes - to be ok with it.
I’m 37 now. that’s weird.
This weekend my parents came over to drop off an Ikea cabinet they bought for me - it was my birthday gift. so nice of them. My dad and I put it together, as we’ve done all the other things I got from ikea for my new place. During this - I have an overwhelming feeling of love and appreciation for my dad. He’s 72. And he’d driving around, putting together these things... and happy to do it. We get along well and communicate well in these instances, and it’s ... really nice. It means so much to me. It’s kind of crazy that I get along so much better with him than my mom. I wouldn’t have ever pegged that in my teen years.
I’m really grateful for them.
0 notes
Text
Slippery Slopes.
I often take quick glances backward into my old life. I sometimes imagine what we’d be doing right now if that was still in place. Of course, this glance is heavily tinted with rose-coloured glasses. It’s forgetting all the shower cries, all the stress, all the times I didn’t know what my life was about, of the feelings of being trapped.
No, why would I look back at that part? I don’t miss that part. I miss the good part. this is universal. The holidays make it hard. and also, this new job. I’ve really wanted to talk it through with someone. And I’ve been doing that with my friends. I’m also trying to institute a whole new slew of personal life changes - I do realize this will take months, but it is made harder by the new job. I really miss having a *partner*, in this sense. Someone to help with the home and the cooking and cleaning and support me while I try these other changes. It’s super tough doing it all my own.
I also feel like I just won’t ever find partnership again. I can’t imagine dating someone, it’s been... sooo terrible. In the last year I’ve landed only a handful of new dates (i think 3). I don’t know that I can take another year of trying. 12 months! 3 dates! nothing to show.
I was talking to a dude on Tinder who seemed PERFECTLY FINE, but “perfectly fine” isn’t what stirs my heart. It may be silly, and the opposite or pragmatic but I don’t want to just meet someone for the sake of doing it. I want... the fucking magic...
I feel like I wasted my good years with him. And now, when everyone else is already partnered up and married... It’s 1000x harder.
I know it’s a hot dumpster fire, and he’s just repeating his mistakes, but I’m still kinda jealous and saddened that he’s in a relationship.
Though, I can honestly say that THIS fall is much better than the last, and let’s hope as soon as i get through this, my winter & spring are also much much better.
0 notes
Text
So much has happened since my last updated.
I attempted to talk to him.
I assumed he was happy, had moved on, as he was living with that girl, and it was so depressing. What came out of it... was so surprising.
He’s not happy at all. He hasn’t dealt with his issues. He feels trapped He’s repeating his patterns. After a few excruciatingly honest emails I feel like the pedestal on which I placed him has been entirely demolished. I realize he has so much more going on emotionally than I knew. And he’s not able to have the kind of relationship that I need. Of course it’s taken me years to figure this out.
I initiated divorce proceedings. It all happened because he was confusing and I knew i needed to end it. God. so sad. I should be officially divorced either by the end of the year or just at the beginning. Either way - a decent way to start my 38th year of life.
I also got a new job - and this is so scary and empowering. I finally feel like i’ve dealt with a lot of imposter syndrome. Not all of it, but it’s not as big a fear as it used to be. I make significantly more money now. This means so much - as I’ll be able to better save for my future and live a standard of life a bit closer to what I was with that damn ‘ol dual income. It provides that safety net.
Being able to get a dog, and afford a dog walker and all that stuff, seems possible now.
For the first time since I got the job at the cartoon factory in 2008, do I feel excited. Though, this time, 9 years later, i feel so much more wiser about how I have to contribute to my own happiness at this job.
I’m nervous - because I feel.. somewhat satisfied with my life. I understand that there’s always going to be challenges. I am much better equipped at dealing with them, and living in the moment.
0 notes
Text
Regret and Resentment
I hate him again. Fuck you for having friends. You’re not supposed to come out of this better. I did the work. Grr.
0 notes
Text
More Tears
Ugh. Latley I’d been feeling lonely. Missing him. Just missing that old life. I miss being married. I’m surprised about it, because I’m not sure if I really miss being married to him, but... the good parts. oh the good parts.
we had a chat a little while ago where he admitted that it’s hard for him too, nearly everything reminds him of me, and it makes it hard. that made me feel better for a bit, knowing that i”m delaing with it better cuz I’m more equipped and I did the work to earn that skill.
but now it makes me super sad.
I simply cannot imagine meeting someone with whom I share so many unique interests. I don’t feel like I am ready to date. I think I need more time to be fully comfortable with my singledom. I don’t know. I’m so afraid I’ll never find someone and I’ll feel alone forever. I hate that. I Just want a partner.. I want love. I want it all. but I’m just not sure if that’s possible.
going to the cottage and seeing couples makes me sad. I think that’s what made me need a big ‘ol cry.
I also feel like certain friends are a little self-absorbed right now. and it’s hard to talk to them.
I don’t know. I hate this. I want to be ok with where i’m at, but I feel disatsisfied with life
0 notes
Text
Omg I am being done a happ!
Sooooo. What up past/future me?
I bought a pre-construction condo. erp. It’s going to be done in 2-5 years. gler. I hope not too long. But this is kind of. ... a good deal, if it all goes well? I get what I want:
1) Gas Stove!
2) Gas bib on balcony!
3) Soft closing kitchen drawers!
4) Parking!
5) Locker!
6) Small building!
I don’t have:
1) a Den :(
2) walk through closet.
but... oh well. it’s close to some friends whom I hope I still have by then. hehe. eep.
work is stupid/good? vp is a funktart but I got to do an after effects video so... I love it? i’m struggling but I’m killing it? there’s things I wnat to do but I don’t?
funglepaoieakjdfa? I don’t know. I wish I... I mean I talk to all my friends, but I guess I miss this idea of a partner to talk to this about. but then again. maybe it wouldn’t make a difference.
I ... am so over serious dating again? It’s too sad and so now I’m back to casual whatever the fuck? I kind of... like being single? I dunno. it’s all good for now.
Trying to save my monies. focus on that. for trips, mortgages, doggos.
weeto.
0 notes
Text
Is contentment the word I’m looking for?
I think I’m feeling kind of ok. I was putting mad pressure on myself to look for a new job, and buy a condo and then go to schoolto get a better job and make more money so sI could afford a better (or any) condo and I just got... so caught up in this shitty man made whirlwind.
I started putting off the job search We finally got Adobe CC at work, we are getting new beast computers to handle it, and we have a project to make some video - truly exciting. Maybe work isn’t so bad? it’s annoying. Certain parties are melodramatic and for some reason I believed them. Who cares. it’s not so bad ... yes I’m comfortable, but I’m still plugging away, improving my work ethic and learning new things, and being challenged, which is good. So what’s so wrong with taking a bet and just enjoying what I have.
I was kind of freaking out about Condo stuff as well. I don’t want to move. I fear change. But it’s ok. I get to take my time on this one. Who cares if my parents thing I need to buy now at any cost? I’ll figure it out. i’ll try to do it my way, and if I can’t, then I’ll consider the plan b. I’ve always been able to do that, Iv’e been pretty reasonable so why does it matter?
I have a decent job, that is close to where I live. My apartment is ok. It’s a good size, as I am seeing other shit units. I have the cutest pigletty bean in the world.
I get to spend money on what I want. I can start working on my other goals that cost money (like license etc) without the pressure of being house poor. Things will happen. I’m doing the work at my work and I’m sure my next job will be better. It’s possible.
I’ve been oddly entertaining this weird idea of moving to waterloo. Wondering if there are any decent jobs there for me. It’s POSSIBLE. What if I moved there, and bought and affordable place and had my car and my doggo? Could I manage that life?
I sometimes do wonder why I love city life so much since I hate people and want them all to die. ha ha ha.
I don’t feel like moving immediately. Maybe a few more years here. But ... I wonder sometimes.
I joined match.com. I’m trying to get serious about finding someone, no matter how much it scares me. I’m actually enjoying the hell out of my alone time. singing to myself, being lazy as fuck, laying in bed, watching whatever I want, eating whatever I want, wehnever I want. no one to judge me. It’s kind of amazing.
but at the same time, my last GOOD date was with Robbie almost a year ago :’(
I am really missing the human connectionl and not just the fake physical one I have/had with craig or robbie or will..
it’s so depressing how many men want children. guh. I wonder if aaron wants kids. he wanted matt and megan to have kids and then did say that incredibly cruel thing about how he thinks he mayl ike to have kids, but just not with me. *shrug* i’m 36. i just don’t see me doing the digusting pregnancy thing.
aaron will probably pull a gary with some fucking young piece of shit. if/when that happens I ... cannot be in his life in any capacity.
I feel so fucking weird for not wanting kids. but they are terrible.
anywya. I find it really hard to believe I’ll find anyone who will toelrate me playing guinea pig bridge over and over. I can’t imagine living with ayone again.
all I can really picture is... what i could picture when i was a teen. whoa
single
job
city
condo
++ a dog.
but i always pictured myself being alone as a saftey precaution because I was so afraid I’d end up being alone.
So maybe in that image there’s a really nice man who likes to travel with me. We don’t have to live together, but we have a good relationshp with lots of snugs, foods, travells, sex, and doggo times. :D
0 notes
Text
I am doing a significant growth
My trip to St. Lucia was great. My confidence in the water grows. And I feel better about myself, and my decisions. Without the ex around I don’t seem to seek approval as much and that is SO important. As much as one part of me craves a partner, I feel so good with every growth I do.
And it happens almost weekly.
I’ve talked to the ex a bit. he’s invited me over to see his new condo and cat. I got sick and coudln’t make it. I talked to him a bit. it’s less weird.
I got really sick this weekend and had to call an ambulance to the ER. I couldn’t help but think about how if I were with him, he would have taken me. Having that person to help me out. When he told my friend he was going to propose, he told her he simply wants to take care of me... for the rest of our lives.
I don’t know what he was thinking because he clearly grew so resentful of that.
When I was mentally cycling through the people who could help me get to the ER (friends with cars) I thought of him, but the last thing in the world I would want is to depend on him in any way ever again. It sickens me. I took an ambulance instead and will happily pay the fee. Being kinda broke is worth my fucking dignity.
Recovering from this stomach bug is ok. I feel proud that I easily called upon friends, and I didn’t demure TOO much. My mom always told me to ‘try and fight it’ and that is so ingrained in me but fuck it. I had to go to the damn ER. Trusting myself.
I realized my workplace is just to toxic for me. I get depressed, then I get disengaged. and I don’t want to clean or do anything. it’s kind of crazy how that effects every aspect of my life.
So I’m going to, reluctantly, start looking for a new job. I had half a minute where I thought I could have actual career goals.
OH. btw. we got robbed while on vacation. I was surprisingly calm. I was scared, but afterwards I recovered quickly. I don’t panic about things as much. this is new. this is amazing. I remember being with aaron... and having panic attack episodes where I just wanted to die. I just didn’t want to live. I felt so guilty. I felt so suffocated and trapped.
The year after the split was kind of like that. My meaning was gone. But now I’m kinda ok without having a meaning. when it’s not hung up one person or a $35 000 day, it’s a bit easier.
I’m still very sad. I still miss him. I still regret everything. I till hate being alone. I’m still scared. I still wonder how long I can tolerate this. But it’s slightly better, I guess.
0 notes
Text
I want a guy like Robbie. He is like the ex but... cuter and nicer and sweeter, and still has the ability to take care of me.
and it made me realize.
that I still want someone to take care of me. I’m better at taking care of myself, for sure, but... I realized that, it’s never going to happen again. I’m never going to have a man who will take care of me. I can’t go back to that kind of relationship, nothing good comes of that, those mistakes repeat themselves.
I need to take care of myself, and... god. possibly someone else? is that my only option now?
I’m back on dating apps. I want something more real. This is going to be hard, but it seems... silly to just wait for it, makes a bit more sense to look for it. and I think by dating I’ll know more and more ...what it is I want.
but... is that even... a thing? what I want? is my list not so god damned long, my needs so particular, my baggage so weighty, that I’ve become not a round peg, but a grizzled, tree branch with multiple splinters? How can this ever fit with anyone? I just don’t know. let alone how it could be better? But is it just better because it IS someone? Why do I hate being alone?
Why do I feel I need to be coy about this? I want a relationship. I want partnership. I always have. I settled for it, and I had it. and now it’s gone. and I want it again but this time I don’t want to settle out of fear of never getting it> I want it to be the real god damn deal and I”m not even sure if I believe in that.
how can you truly want something you’re not even sure if you believe in?
I guess I have hope. that’s why I’m looking. if I had no hope, I wouldn’t look.
*shrug*
0 notes
Text
Stupid dreams.
I dreamt that a co worker elaborately staged a gathering of all my friends, all his friends to kind of relive moments from our life together, and our wedding.
We were physically separated in the large area and it was grand. He found me after and demanded to know why I put her up to this. I told him I had nothing to do with it and I had no intention of getting back together with him. He said... well nothing is impossible.
and then the flicker of hope set me off.
that was my dumb ass dream... I can’t believe I’m still yearning for him. I don’t feel it all the time, but I miss having a partner. I feel more detached from the grief and the lonliness. It still exists but it’s not always in my face.
0 notes
Text
Blah
A meh day at work. I want hugs and sushi for dinner. How I took it all for granted. I miss him a bit. He has a gf. He's moved on. He doesn't love me. He never loved me. I feel so alone. I think that's just my default setting. Feeling isolated, awkward, unable to create proper human relationships. When I see pics of old couples who stuck it out I kinda wonder if our differences were that big a deal. But it wasn't the differences so much the fact that he never loved me. Never Loved.
0 notes
Text
The thoughts, the confusion.
There’s always little snippets of memories flying through my brain. It’s a constant. Some of them make me smile, some of them make me sad. Given the amount of time that has passed, they have all been softened and blurred. I’m able to let them go and stop trying to catch them and analyze them.
One that seems to be orbiting lately is the memory of the time he wanted me to move into his apartment in North York. I had been visiting an sleeping over a few times a week, but I wasn’t ready to move in. I wanted to get my own place but that of course was difficult given the fact that I was on a contract and Toronto being so expensive to rent. He made a livejournal post about how I didn’t want to move in with him because he didn’t have a TV or cable or something.
that’s so passive aggressive - why didn’t I realize I shouldn’t stand for that?
HE. WANTED. ME.
I always suspected he never liked me or loved me, but he wanted me. Now I realize those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I think he felt he needed me. I don’t know why, perhaps like me he felt he was too weird to be loved by any other human, craved the idea of a strong and chosen family unit, scared of being alone, or perhaps he felt he had made his pick and felt his duty. I don’t know. But that’s the thing that always confused me, and the thing I too readily hung my hat upon. The fact that despite his day-to-day behaviour and all the little hints along the way that he resented me, he made these huge gestures.
Transferring to Humber
Asking for me back when we broke up in
Moving to Toronto for work
Wanting me to move in
Deciding he didn’t want me to leave him/we should spend xmas together from now on, after my 2006 India trip
Proposing marriage, telling me that while he thought he was annoyed at little things (or possibly bigger things), he realized that all he needed in his life was me.
That last one... that one smarts. I mean, hey - he’s allowed to be wrong. he’s allowed to have thought that was what he needed and realized that it wasn’t. I thought he was all I needed, I thought he was all I deserved. And I think that is very incorrect now.
I feel like I just regret spending so much time... so many huge moments. If only we didn’t go to india, get married, buy a condo, move in together... But I suppose I should be grateful that it ended when it did?
I’ve grown in a way I don’t think would have ever been possible when I was with him (or with anyone), and for that I’m very glad. But I am also so sad... sad that I couldn’t have grown like this before... still sad that all of this cannot benefit us every again.
I see all the ways in which he was bad for me and I was bad for him, and I’m not even sure I’d WANT him back, but the part of me that for some reason still wants to believe in the big fairy tale of love wants to think there’s a chance it can all work again. That’s probably from watching too much SATC.
0 notes