[  —  @ara-kadeu​.  ]

     there’s a few choice words sunny would like to say in regards to the ... everything happening. a few choice words he’s decided he’s better off keeping to himself, for the most part, though it’s become quite the struggle to bite his tongue. he knows he’s experienced far from the worst of it, considering himself lucky in such regard, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling some type of way.

     especially, when it comes down to it, everything that’s been going on with ara. he’s spent several years now spending what feels like every single day in the woman’s presence, and with the lack of being so close to her, he almost feels ... empty. a strange feeling, he’d have to admit, one he hadn’t felt in a rather long time. the kind of feeling he can’t seem to shake, can’t seem to find the remedy for. even in his busiest moments, it’s there ; lurking in the back of his mind, reminding him that there’s a lack of something in his life. 

     in short, he knew there was only one solution to put pause to the aching feeling in his chest ; he had to visit ara. he knew it hadn’t been that long, that he was merely being dramatic, but it felt like ages since he was in her presence. his beacon of positivity is what she had become, and he couldn’t see her crumble down, in any way. he couldn’t leave her alone. he was rather annoying and stubborn in that regard, was he not ?

     the act of showing up to her home, of being let inside, of anything and everything in between felt like such a blur. a long, endless blur of nodding in compliance and smiling kindly until he found her. his smile had gone from forced to genuine in the matter of seconds, the young actor practically running across the room to cup her face in his hands. “ are you okay ? ” words tumble forth in a rush, lips pressing a quick peck to her forehead. “ i’ve missed you. you’re my favorite. are you okay ? i’m repeating myself, and yet, i feel like that’s something the both of us are simply going to have to deal with. ”

junganton·.

     slowing to a standstill outside of the alleyway, shade narrowed his eyes against the darkness, trying to make out what was happening. as he stood there, words floated from the side street that made him snort. was this victim TRYING to get himself turned into a paste? IF SO, should he really get himself involved in this? the club was already on THIN ICE with a lot of highranking diamonds…

     with a sigh, anton slipped between the buildings, his leather shoes soundless against the stones as he stuck to the deepest shadows on his way towards the confrontation. he might end up REGRETTING this decision, but if the guy ended up DEAD anton knew his inaction would haunt him more than whatever came out of this ill-advised rescue.

     now that he was close enough to see the attackers, anton gave an internal SIGH. of course there was more than one, and of course the screaming victim had to be bleeding. shade’s stomach turned at the sight of the red liquid but he’d come to far to simply leave

    exiting the shadows with all his knives still sheathed, shade drove the pinkie edge of his hand into one man’s throat with a satisfying smack before pivoting and sending a pointed kick into the other attacker’s knee. looking around the alley with a suspicious expression, shade ignored the panicked gasping attempts to breath from the first assailant just as stoutly as he disregarded the pained screams of the second.

    looking towards the original victim, shade’s lips turned down in a frown at the sight of the blood but he forced himself to maintain eye contact as he asked, “were those the only ones?”

     if you asked sunny, he’d argue ( but there’s no real guarantee that he would, with the blood in his mouth, he’d be better off keeping it shut ) that he had the chance to defend himself. he could’ve handled them, maybe, if there was a chance he could ... well, quite frankly, he doesn’t know. at the moment, he can’t say he knows much of anything — as if that were, as a whole, any different than his day - to - day life. 

     he’d never been one to lay down and die, right ? to just fucking take it and move on, were he given the chance ? but with each lasting blow that left a new mark, he considered it ; it wasn’t a fair fight to begin with. he wasn’t made for fighting. it wasn’t in his blood, you know, the act of hurting someone ? he wasn’t ... like that. all bark, no bite — that was his curse.

     and then the hitting stopped, and the fog in his mind cleared, eyes closed shut — struggling with that grasp on reality he so feebly held, he listened rather than watched the scene unfold before him. even as silence filled the air before the stranger’s words permeated his mind, breaking through the final remnants of that fog, sunny almost didn’t want to open his eyes. “ um — ” slowly but surely, he got there, eyes opening and glancing in the other’s direction. “ yeah. yes, you didn’t have to do that. ”

     he spits the blood in his mouth, lets it splatter on the ground before he presses his sleeve to his lip, staining the fabric an awful shade of crimson. “ but, i ... thank you. this feels like one of those good times to say ‘ i owe you ‘, but i’m not sure how ... i could repay you ? for saving my ass like that ? ”

seonghwa : kmdf (201107)

is he okay

          [  welcome  to  clown  town  ?  ]  —  drabble.

     have you ever experienced life completely, utterly, and BEAUTIFULLY unaware of anything happening around you ? SUNNY HASN’T ! — but he figures that’s a wonderful way to live, and he always thought he’d like to experience it someday, in its entirety. not, particularly, like this however. his morning had been, in fact, rather peaceful and wonderfully spent. quiet, mundane, the same as any other. he stared into the abyss of his coffee, hoping to find the answers to life and the impending questions doomed to plague his thoughts for the rest eternity, and then he managed to haul his ass to his closet and get dressed in something that was semi - presentable and didn’t fully equate to ‘ pajamas, but make it FASHION ! ’ — and he already felt the tell - tale signs of a headache festering in the forefront of his mind and knew, deep down, it would be a real problem ; regardless, his morning was supposed to be as uneventful as any other. 

     life has a cute, funny way of grabbing you by the shoulders and screaming in your face that it’s about to mix things up. as it turns out, he wasn’t as perceptive as he always thought himself to be ( which comes as a shock to maybe three people, one of them being himself ), and he walks along only to come face - to - face with ... well, an all too familiar face. and gods, there was no way in hell he could’ve anticipated something like THIS. it’s almost comical, the way he stops and stares at the poster before him, wide and dark eyes studying each and every detail that presents itself. anyone else around him has long since been forgotten, in such a short time, their whispers far away and incomprehensible. what their saying, in truth, matters not to the young actor. it’s all bullshit. everything they say is bullshit, and he’s worried if he listens to it, focuses on it, lets those words get beneath his skin — that he’ll do something stupid. 

          he takes a breath, slow and deliberate, eyes closing for a short second. in and out, sunny, in and o — fuck that. a shaking hand reaches forward, ringed fingers curling into the poster and yanking it down. “ motherfucker, ” the paper crumples in his hand and he has to resist the desire to tear it apart, rip it to shreds, fucking stomp it into the ground. this is his BEST FRIEND, his — his fucking sister. his family. he’s acting on impulse, remotely, legs moving of strictly their own accord. he has to go to the palace, but not now. not right now. that’s not the first thing on his mind, no, he has to see ara. the poster burns in his hand, scalding him, and it does nothing more than fuel his rage. as he walks, out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of more posters. “ MOTHERFUCKER, ENOUGH ! ” he doesn’t discriminate in the way he tears these posters apart ; the content of them doesn’t matter, he doesn’t want to fucking see it. does he have a goal in this little adventure ? NO. does he have some things he wants to say ? YOU BET’CHA ! 

          in short, all he knows is that ... whatever pure, unadulterated, reckless rage he’s feeling coursing through his veins needs to be held back, cut off, stifled before he reaches ara. well, probably — everything has become a real SHOT IN THE DARK today ! rolling with the punches, apparently !

(  @kadeuhq​ : how have sunny's romantic and sexual relationships shaped them ? from mun's point of view ? from sunny's ?  )

     from sunny’s point of view, there was a time when he tried to not put too much emphasis on any romantic or sexual encounter. he tried his damnedest to not let them effect him in any way, because to him, they hadn’t meant anything. he spent a lot of time when he was younger in the red light district ( something he prefers to keep hush - hush, the only people who really knows being sully and anton, he’s even kept it hidden from ara ) ; none of those encounters meant anything. he was at his worst back then, struggling to cope with damn near everything that was happening in his life, and that resulted in him turning towards ... unsavory activities. with that being said, though, those moments taught him that he couldn’t use sex to fill whatever void he had in his soul. and then he met sullivan, when sunny thought he was at his absolute WORST after everything that’d been happening with byeol, and things were ... different. it became the first relationship he ever had that was a genuine slow - burn, that actually felt like it meant something. when sunny realized he’d caught genuine feelings for sullivan, he really kicked his ass into gear. this is not to say that sullivan saved him, particularly, but that sullivan helped sunny in saving himself. it was the first time someone ( besides ara, of course ) truly stuck by his side and saw it through that he begin to better himself. sullivan brings the young, dumb actor an overwhelming amount of ease and comfort, that he never truly thought possible. yongsun has a long string over lovers that are subpar at best, but being with sullivan is the first time he’s felt genuine love.

                              —————

     from clown town’s point of view, i think that all relationships and bonds that sunny has formed are very important to him, and have shaped him in different ways. of course, he’s fallen madly in love with sullivan and he’s pretty sure there’s nothing in this world that could change that, but more importantly ... the platonic bonds are what have shaped him and changed them the most. his bond with ara has taught him to see the bigger picture and appreciate things ( especially himself ) more than he ever did in the past, his friendship with anton is ... quite frankly, hilarious, but also essential in helping sunny see past the veil that are the rose - colored glasses he wears on the daily. and when it comes to sullivan, i think that ... sunny, in a way, has changed for the better ? he’s learned to love harder, fiercely, with every fiber of his being. he’s learned what it’s like to truly fear losing a lover, and wanting to be the best version of himself he can be, and i think that’s important for someone like sunny. sunny spent a lot of his life in the dark and used to getting exactly what he wanted, especially when he worked his ass off for it, but falling in love with sullivan was one of the easiest things he’d ever done. that boy genuinely means the world to sunny, and i could probably rant about them for days, BUT Y’KNOW ... the way sunny cares about everyone in his life has shaped him and changed him in a million different ways, and i’m glad that he’s got people in his life that make him want to be better.

deity aesthetics

EROS: • scornful jealousy • pink • presents a certain decorum • heavy air in a nightclub • has a tattoo they regret • sex & love therapist for their friends • juvenescent • uses enchantments • aloof • wears rose-coloured glasses • velvet, latex, & lingerie • milk baths with champagne bubbles • impetuous in love • intense eye contact is a sport • kinky • soft lips • wears stacked rings • sets fashion trends • graceful movements • marble floors • heavy perfume or cologne • deeply emotional • born glamorous •  [10sh/23]

HECATE: • prefers canine companions • wears symbolic jewelry • can see spirits • melting wax • uses hexes • feels most comfortable at night • smell of cinnamon • moonlight • red wine • understands poisons & herbs • collects bones or feathers • partakes in rituals • black • fog at night • is aware of their shadow self • embraces the unknown • enjoys collecting secrets • approves of necromancy • meditates • has prophetic dreams • lace • knowing too many secrets • fishnet stockings  • [6/23]

PAN: • enjoys poetry & prose • wool • smell of decaying leaves in autumn • prefers to be barefoot  • tends to overindulge  • easily excitable • thriving in social circles • loves being around campfire  • antlers • dirt paths • the sound of wind chimes • penchant for sticky fingers • pine trees • stamina for days • falls in lust • vagabond • physically stronger than given credit for • foxglove • welcomes luxury • non-confrontational • charming words • talking to animals • nature for jewelry • [9sh/23]

NEMESIS: • angry • protective of their values • balance & harmony • looks like an angel but isn’t • more perceptive than people realize • snow capped mountains • grey • wears leather • silver jewelry • likes snakes • can’t stand ignorance • believes in retribution • analytical of own emotions • well read • marble columns • has very rigid morals • bruised knuckles • humorous under the sarcasm • clean workspace • everything in moderation • cold morning air • resting glare face • fluent in curse words  • [6sh/23]

HYPNOS: • very calm demeanor • easily overwhelmed • relaxing is their vice • transactional friendships • has a soft voice • head in the clouds • carries drugs with them • has a sibling they’re close with • drawn to winged animals • lavender • has plush furniture/blankets  • starry eyed • horrible money management  • gives amazing hugs • dreaming big as a full time job • wears comfy or loose clothes • existential questions • not good at memory based skills • fairy lights • can’t sleep somewhere unfamiliar • crystalline chandeliers • dislikes bright sun • fluttering eyelashes  • [9/23]

IRIS: • life’s a technicolor spectrum • has a lot to say • beaming smiles • always has candy with them • flirting by accident • walking to the beat of their own drum • gossamer curtains • has a surprising amount of connections • blushes very easily • confident laughter • uses a staff • fresh fruit slices • decorated handwritten letters • a social chameleon • blood made of honey • treating people with kindness • sentimental heart  • vases full of wildflowers • feels fulfilled when helping others • has a healing aura • always travelling • stained glass windows • just trying to be a good person  • [9sh/23]

zuihuojoui·.

Joui finds himself smiling, slowly pulling the pins from the crown fixed a top his head. He had spoken more to himself and normally, someone intruding on his conversations would not get such a reaction but there were allowances made. And a favorite actor earned such allowance. “And yet there are many”, he answered, counting mentally while withdrawing his hand and letting his attendant take the golden crown from his head. With a sigh of relief he passed his hand through his locks of raven hair and over his scalp. His smile spread a the correction, thinking at instant of his lovers who could very well keep him in place. “Perhaps that last part could be construed a bit wrong, or maybe I am right”, he followed, pulling his hair over his left shoulder. “Then again my mind likes to wonder.”

Slowly, his butler removed the elaborate ear cuff, placing it between satin wraps then handing to the other attendant. Joui eased both his hands up into his hair then pulled it to the right with another sigh. “Enchanting”, he repeated with a blink, lids rising to reveal his natural golden eyes. “I will take it”, he began as the other cuff was carefully removed. 

He felt lighter, rid of the weight of his crown and accessories. Hand turned over and he saw the dragon resting. He extended the hand to his butler. “Sunny, that’s what you prefer to be called? Does your presence brighten the countenance of those around you? Beyond your talents on the stage?”

He remembered the card and the given persona for the evening. The Sunny didn’t seem like he was playing the game. “Is the actor off duty this eve?” he asked but somehow assumed so. “That’s fine. Joui”, he answered with his name forsaking rank and other identifiers. It was rare he had to introduce himself. It was enjoyable. “Count me a fan.”

     it’s strange, how sunny feels the need to tear his gaze away — he simply can’t look away, focus on something else ( ANYTHING ELSE ) and move on. no, he’s got to force himself to avert his gaze and stare vehemently at the wall for a moment. he’d be worried, really, if he thought too hard about it. which seems to be his forte, his specialty, overthinking beyond belief. his neck twitches for just a moment, head briefly cocked to the side, before his focus finds its way back to the other. 

     there’s a smile at his lips, lighthearted and almost sweet, as he grips his glass a little bit tighter. there are nerves, yes, but he swallows them down. he never considered himself one to be nervous around strangers. he spends a majority of his time performing in front of them ; strangers made him a living. strangers cheered him on each night he was on stage, putting on a show. perhaps this is different, perhaps this stranger is different, and being one - on - one with the other has elicited a peculiar reaction. 

     “ oh, i don’t know about all that, really. i think most people call me sunny because it’s easier than remembering ‘ yongsun. ’ in fact, yongsun is usually reserved for those who find themselves cross with me — and my mother. who also happens to fall into the first category. ” he has to take a breath, finding himself short of it, after his little spiel. “ joui. yes. of course. i — yes. ” gods, he is going to SCREAM. “ A FAN ? i’m happy to hear it. i’m always happy to hear someone enjoys my work. ”

sullivanspade·.

It was only when Yongsun squeezed his hand that Sullivan really realized he’d been the one to place it there. He’d been so excited by the prospect of a backstage tour that he’d just latched onto him and now, now they were holding hands and Sullivan was having an even more difficult time functioning. He knew the warmth in his cheeks had increased and he bashfully averted his eyes but only managed to keep them off of Sunny for a moment.

Once he was speaking to him again, asking him what he’d like to see, Sullivan’s starry eyes were glued to him. Despite his innate proclivity to be or become uncomfortable in every situation, Sullivan was having a difficult time maintaining any sort of negative emotion. Yongsun’s voice soothed him. The repeatedly gentle squeezes to his hand reassured him and gradually warmed his icy little digits. He just couldn’t help enjoying himself. Sunny made it impossible for him not to feel comfortable and that was really saying something.

“I’d really love to see your dressing room,” Sullivan admitted, trying and failing to suppress an excited smile when Yongsun met his gaze.

     since the very beginning, from the day they’d met, there’d be something about sullivan that only drew sunny in. some sort of gravitational pull he could feel at the very center of his being ; the same center that nearly ached each time he was away from the other. he hadn’t felt like this about anyone, not — not that he could recall. something about the other simply proved itself to be different. that this ( whatever THIS was, or was to become ) was something far different than any fling sunny had thrown himself towards in the past. perhaps he’s already in far too deep, grown far too attached. is there anything he can do to change that ? he surely hopes not ; he wouldn’t want to change this for the world. 

     sullivan’s starry gaze has captivated the actor like no other. those eyes make it difficult for sunny to look away, as if he were put into a trance by the other’s very presence. HE WAS, TO PUT IT SIMPLY, IN A TRANCE. bewitched, even. there was no saving him now, and gods, he’ll be honest — he doesn’t want to be saved. 

     “ we can do that, ” he speaks softly, softer than his shoulder, considering it was mainly themselves in the building. at least, within the general vicinity. his grip on the other’s hand tightens, briefly, and sunny finds himself pulling sullivan closer. close enough that their shoulders bump together as sunny guides him down the hall. a warmth spreads through him, and his breath nearly hitches in his throat, and he wonders : how could he be SO DRAMATIC, how could he have fallen SO EASILY, in such a short amount of time ? his free hand flexes, fingers curling and nails digging into his palm for a moment ; he’s trying to shake away the nerves, though subtly. “ i’d hate to say it, my sweet, but i’m worried you may not be as impressed with it as you’re ... anticipating. ”

ara-kadeu·.

She can’t help but laugh as Sunny shakes the nerves out of his system- literally. It wasn’t the first time he had done it. She had noticed it a couple of times backstage too, physically shaking away the nerves and stress to focus his mind. It had always seemed to work, if his wonderful performances were any indication. Ara had actually adopted the same technique- while she was alone in her dressing room, anyway. It really had worked wonders, and honestly- it was just plain fun. 

“Well, if the look on his face when he looks at you, or the blush that only gets more and more crimson every time he looks over here, is any indication…” She shot another glance towards Sullivan, chuckling as he quickly turned away again. “I’d wager a whole week’s salary that he feels the same way, love.”

Ara turned back towards her costar, giving him all her warmth once again. “You do plan on inviting him to come watch a show soon, right? If you need help getting him on the list, just let me know. I do it often enough, we can make sure his visit goes off with out any hitches.”

     it’s a habit, one he’s always had trouble fighting. the idea that physically shaking himself will cause the nerves to dissipate is something he’s done for as long as he can remember. whether the wanted effect is true or simply a trick of the mind, he has yet to decide. right now, however, it seems to do him some good ; because the smile returns to his face, cheeks warm with a hint of red. 

     “ a whole week’s salary ? you are rather confident he feels the same, then. ” sunny can’t help but laugh, though there’s a sudden lack of confidence in it. it’s a strange feeling, really — the feeling that there’s some things he truly isn’t confident in. too far in his own head, one may say. 

     he once more finds himself looking down to almost avoid her gaze. he could tell her anything, that much is true — she has the entirety of his trust. there’s no denying it. he swallows the sudden lump in his throat, those very same nerves returning ; and he fears no amount of shaking it out will help him here. “ of course ! it’s just — ” the young actor pauses, finally giving the other a glance. “ i’m worried that ... knowing he’s there, watching so intently, i might fuck something up. i might ruin the illusion, or something ... like that. i don’t know why. ”

junganton·.

@kadeuyongsun·

Friday 13 November 2020; 22:15 Diamond Territory; Near the Palace

      Walking through Diamond territory with a joint hanging from his mouth, Anton actively avoids making eye contact with the few Diamonds still on the street at this time. He’s numb now, far too numb to care a single iota about their disapproval, but that doesn’t mean he wants to see it in their eyes. It’ll make him think of that tiny box of emotions he’s not ready to deal with yet. To deal with ever, so he walks through the territory like he owns it.

     As he walks past the Palace he cannot help but scowl. Though it used to be a place of comfort, the place he went when he wanted to escape his life, it wasn’t that place any more. Cornered by an Ace, cornered by her Queen friend, and then gossiped about for weeks. He’d been lucky his name hadn’t been picked up in the rumors. They’d been lucky he wasn’t as numb as he was now, or things may very well have turned out differently.

      He could feel himself slipping back into his old ways. The rage was just around the corner, beckoning in a voice that became sweeter every day. He clung to the shattered pieces of goodness in his heart, the pieces people told him reminded them of his mother. That was the part of him that mattered, the part of him that deserved to call himself a Jung.

      Ripped from his spiraling thoughts by a nearby confrontation, Anton slows his walk as he tries to pinpoint the source. 

    WHAT WAS THAT SAYING AGAIN ? oh, yes — a lover, not a fighter. those words resonated well with the young actor. a lover, not a fighter ; there has never been a mean bone in yongsun’s body. ALRIGHT, WELL — that part, it isn’t necessarily true. words in the form of daggers have left his mouth, slashing and stabbing at their victim, but that was all he was. ALL BARK, NO BITE. yes, all bark, no bite ; harmful words and not an ounce of skill to back it up. GO FUCKING FIGURE, RIGHT ?

    as it turns out, ( and you’ll never believe this ! ), but telling your assailants to ‘ fuck off and die ’ is NOT a proper defense. those magic words held no mysticality, nor force, and were as useful as ... as ... well, right now, he doesn’t know what ! he doesn’t know much of ANYTHING outside of the taste of blood in his mouth and the pretty bruise he can feel will be a problem come morning.

   “ YOU KNOW, ” he speaks as pale fingers press to the wound, a huff through his nose, “ there are a MILLION other things you could be doing at the moment, i’m sure of it. ” his voice has raised since he last spoke, nearly yelling, in fact ; but confidence in his words, he seems to be lacking. ADDRESSING attackers in such a way, quite frankly, should be frowned upon. is it already frowned upon ? “ other than HITTING ME due to, what i can only assume, is the simple fact that i exist in the same vicinity as you ? ” GODS, SOMEONE SAVE HIM — he’s only digging this hole deeper.

ara-kadeu·.

The love that the young man before her exudes is practically tangible. Maybe it was- in the way he fidgeted his hands, or in the brightness of smile or the warmth of the flush that came to his cheeks. So many physical interpretations of the emotion that currently consumed him that simply could not be contained. Yongsun displayed them all as he talked about Sullivan- and as he thanked the actress. 

“Sunny…” Ara reached up and pressed a hand to the actor’s face as she spoke.

 “You know you don’t need to thank me for any of that. You know I love our talks, and you. Besides, you wouldn’t ‘be lost without me’.” Her voice deepened as she gave a poor impression of Yongsun before giving him a playful smile. “A little disoriented, maybe.” The actress winked and dropped her hand, taking a sip of her wine. “I am very happy for you both, you know that right? I’m glad someone was able to bring out this side of you.” 

     there are very few people in this world that could bring yongsun such a sense of comfort : there’s ara, and then there’s sullivan. byeol used to be the highest upon that list, but things have since changed, and ara is far better than most. his entire trust had been put into his costar, on stage and off, and there hasn’t been an ounce of regret to date. with her hand on his cheek, he finds himself leaning into her touch — the act brings him a sense of warmth, putting whatever nerves at mild ease. 

     “ i know i don’t need to, ara, but i want to. it helps me feel better, if that makes sense. puts my mind at ease, when i feel guilty for unloading so much on you, at what feels like all times. ” a quiet laugh escapes his lips and he has to take a moment ( brief, no more than a second, really ) to shake his arms and release whatever anxious energy has been bubbling within him. “ i am, too. HAPPY, i mean — i hope he’s happy, as well. otherwise, i’d start to feel rather selfish. ”

—Perfect Places, Lorde

Anaïs Nin, The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1920–1923

out of context 'i would die for u' content, but its sunny w anton every single day. / @junganton