I need to submit my manuscript to a contest that closes tomorrow, and I am draggggging my feet on it, but I also absolutely need to do it.

I was so excited to go through this process with my first manuscript, and with this second one I would just like someone to publish it without me trying very hard haha. Pls publish my poems!

I just think it's a good manuscript, and submitting it opens it up to rejection, and I would rather it not be rejected. Even though I am used to rejection, and I know rejection at every stage of a writer's career is normal.

Phew, here we go.

Bits and bobs

My schedule is absolutely jam packed for the month of May. We move on the 31st.

I said yes to writing a blurb for a book of poems because it's important service work. I'm also writing the May newsletter for the journal where I'm an editor.

I've been trapped in my house by weather and children all weekend, and I am going stir crazy.

I've been helping my big kid with a social studies project all weekend. He is capable of doing the same work as other kids but he needs extra support with chunking work into segments, as well as accommodations with writing. He talks to text into a Word doc and either turns the doc in or copies from the doc onto a paper worksheet. We're working on observing basic laws of sentence structure. I've read a lot about the ADHD and autistic brain (as much as these things can be generalized) and his executive function is poor so multistep tasks can be so overwhelming to him that he panics. I wish his teachers would understand that about him rather than just assume he's trying to get out of work.

Dominic and I just last-minute decided to go to the Birthday Ball. All of my formal dresses, shoes, and bags are packed so I get to go on a shopping spree, which I am telling myself will be fun! Like a movie makeover! Like Pretty Woman!

We are closing on our house in Prattville on Wednesday. We're also seeing Jason Isbell on Wednesday!

I have lots of events coming up: poetry readings, both to attend and give; AF events, including an Everclear (?!!!) concert on base and Dominic's change of command; meet-ups with friends; multiple doctors' appointments; a haircut appointment; deadlines for writing projects; end-of-the-semester teaching work; ETC AND THEN WE MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

This is what happens when you say yes to everything lol.

Last night I watched The Godfather for the first time. It was really interesting watching a movie that has spawned countless imitations and homages and saturated every aspect of pop culture for the entire time I've been alive. Parts of the movie I knew were coming because how could I not, but mostly my reaction was wow, they used to make movies, didn't they?

And I know Marlon Brando was a complicated person, but his acting in this movie--as parodied as it has been--is entrancing, captivating, majestic. He creates a literal center of gravity with body language, a few gestures, and soft, inarticulated speech. It's amazing. It's amazing how skilled some people are at what they do.

Also, the way violence is portrayed in this movie is so shocking. Practical effects can be so scary! There is a close range shooting scene and a domestic violence scene that are particularly disturbing. We're so inured to sanitized Hollywood violence on our screens now, depictions that have so little blood, so little teeth, but are highly stylized. But wow a little bit of fake blood and a close-up is pretty effective.

Anyway, I'm not a huge fan of mob movies, which is why I had never watched The Godfather, but even though I figured I would like it, I'm surprised by how much I did. I will definitely watch the whole trilogy.

We really did get a lot of tornado activity yesterday, more so than I've ever experienced here. I feel like I handled it by being in a state of semi-denial, but it was just so scary knowing my big kid was at school and I couldn't go get him. I've always been anxious about him being caught up in an actual emergency situation at school, and luckily he seemed to have handled it okay, although he was very annoyed when he got home.

We have more bad weather slated for this evening, though not quite as much of a tornado risk.

Last night, I watched Anyone But You on Netflix, hoping that a romcom with high production values would also be good. It was...fine. I was surprised by how flat and unemotive Sydney Sweeney was. Glen Powell did 100% of the work bringing charm and pathos. This movie seems like mostly a vehicle to frame Sweeney's breasts at as many different angles as possible at all times. And while I'm not mad about that, I would have at least liked to see some sort of non-breast chemistry between the leads. Honestly, someone has got to get Zoey Deutch on the phone and offer her a million dollars to start doing romantic comedies again. She could single-handedly revive the genre without even really trying that hard if someone would just pay her enough.

And our buyers finally stopped bullying us for more money for inspection repairs and agreed to a semi-reasonable number, so fingers crossed looks like we won’t have to put our house back on the market.

Two hours after school was supposed to end he’s finally home. Glad we didn’t lose power. Glad everyone’s safe.

We are under a tornado warning and my big kid is stuck at school

:( :( :(

We are under a tornado warning and my big kid is stuck at school

:( :( :(

Dominic and baby are coming home early today because of potential inclement weather. I'm going to take this as a sign that it's okay to just go into weekend mode already. I'm going to make dinner and have some wine and watch a romcom on Netflix and just try to chill.

All of these bad feelings I'm feeling today are exacerbated by the stress of the house-buying / house-selling process. And moving in general is just so uncomfortable and unsettling. I'm so grateful to be in the position to sell a house, to buy a house. But it's definitely a miserable process. ANOTHER CUT LORD I AM INSUFFERABLE TODAY.

A lot of my discomfort stems from the fact that I am sentimentally attached to a house I've owned for nearly 20 years, and it is difficult to let go of it. That's a me-problem, and I am working on it. The other part is that I feel like we're being taken advantage of by rich people who are just trying to get a deal. Our house *is* a deal, and we priced it that way. But even though the house is old and not updated, it has intrinsic value because of its location and original features--that old house charm that you can't manufacture, only restore. We priced the house the way we did because of its location and original charm. I do NOT like the fact that a rich parent using cash to buy a house for his adult child is trying to haggle us down over an inspection that did not reveal any major issues. Calling our house "tired." It's 104 years old!

This is going to be resolved--probably today--one way or the other. If we have to put the house back on the market, it will still sell. It's all just a lot of inconvenience and hurt feelings in the meantime.

Concerned rambling about my big kid, also under the break.

My kid's social studies teacher does not like him. I have a child who is easy to dislike if you are not invested in getting to know him and his peculiarities. As he moves up into middle school and high school and has many more teachers who have him for just a short amount of time per day, this is going to happen more and more often.

My kid needs extra support in the form of written instructions for all assignments, and that is something that will need to go into his IEP next year. He also gets overwhelmed easily and is unable to explain homework assignments to us sometimes, nor is he always able to bring home assignment instructions. Sometimes because the instructions are oral and sometimes because they're written but he's lost the assignment page. There's also the problem of every teacher using a different app on the iPad for various assignments, and I have no idea how to access them, and he can't always tell me.

My child is more work than many teachers want to deal with, but he also has documented disabilities and needs to be appropriately accommodated. He is not being lazy or defiant. He is overwhelmed, disorganized, and distracted. He's bored in class and acting like it not because he's bad but because he has ADHD and poor social skills.

I need to work on getting a thicker skin because teachers are going to be curt and rude to me because they don't like dealing with my kid. And I will need to learn how to tolerate that and communicate with them anyway so that my child can have the tools and accommodations he needs.

The problem with my kid is that his disabilities are not immediately obvious. So teachers have the same expectation from him as other children. But he is just not at the same level, and he needs extra support. Some teachers really, really get it, and they go out of their way to support him, and I am so grateful for them and teachers like them. I know it takes extra effort to teach a child like mine. I know teachers are overtaxed and unsupported. But my kid deserves an education and is legally guaranteed to have one.

Yesterday, at his robotics club presentation, he had a meltdown in front of his club and all the parents because he felt like the kids in the club weren't listening to him. They probably weren't. My big kid can be abrasive and terse in communication style. He's more concerned with getting rules exactly right than hurting someone else's feelings. This is just such classic autistic behavior imo. It's not something he can help, but it makes him unlikeable to children and adults with neurotypical social skills.

When he was beginning to meltdown, I did not intervene because I know from lots and lots of experience that intervening when he's emotional escalates rather than de-escalates his behavior. He has to regulate himself, and then once he regulates we discuss what happened and try to make plans to handle similar situations differently in the future. But what it looks like to others, in the moment of his meltdown, is that I'm not parenting him. And then people think I'm a bad mother, when what I am is a careful, perceptive parent who is teaching him how to advocate and care for himself and make better choices for the future. I also always validate his emotions. Even if they don't make sense to me, they are valid to him!

Yesterday's meltdown was tough to witness, but he pulled himself out of it within minutes, was minimally disruptive, the event was able to continue without him, and then he was able to calmly walk away afterward. For my kid, this is a success.

But what teachers and parents and other children see is a disruptive, bad child. And I will have to deal with that alongside him. I will have to work with teachers who don't like him. It's all so exhausting--especially for someone who would rather die than draw attention to myself--but it's necessary, and I'm doing the right thing. And I'm not going to punish my child for a meltdown that he can't help because he's autistic.

Good lord, life is difficult sometimes.

Thoughts about politics that no one really needs below the cut.

I feel extremely unsettled and anxious lately. It's very alarming following the news about the violent police response to protesting college students. I'm so unsettled by everything to do with the genocide in Ga za, our government's response to it, and the silencing and shaming and even violent repression of protestors by institutions of power. I'm also aware that antisemitism has been on the rise for years now, and these events have made it even worse, which is just awful. No one needs my thoughts about this! But I feel powerless and helpless in the face of so much human devastation. But I also dislike empty virtue signaling, which is what I see many of my peers doing on social media!

And I also probably feel uncomfortable because honestly my politics tend to be more centrist than many of my peers in academia and the arts. And I do wonder what that says about me, and I try to interrogate it. Is it a matter of having enough money in an unfair economic system? Is it being white and benefiting from the status quo? Probably yes and yes! The status quo didn't protect me when I almost died giving birth in a hospital that didn't listen to me when I said I was in too much pain. The status quo did protect me when my military insurance paid for my life-saving surgery and the life-saving NICU treatment of my baby.

I am very, very worried that this administration's aid of the attempted genocide of the Palestinian people (reprehensible!) will result in a Tr*mp presidency in the fall. By being more concerned with the upcoming presidential election, I am putting my own interests and the interest of my country's democracy ahead of any moral grossness I feel about my taxes paying for a genocide. I am making that choice! I am prioritizing myself and the country where I am a citizen.

Again, no one needs these thoughts, but I am thinking them, and they are distressing to me, and I have nowhere to put them. The theory that no one is free until everyone is free is wonderful. Praxis that a wanna-be autocrat (who is also unfortunately terribly stupid!) will be able to walk right into the White House that he tried to retain via a coup four years ago because B*d*n continues to aid Is rael is unbearable. Isn't that where this is all heading???

It's okay to tell me I'm wrong in the comments. I just needed to get some of this out of my head and onto a page.

I recently published a poem in a pretty well-regarded poetry journal, and people are being very nice about it, and I appreciate that.

I’m waiting for my big kid to finish his last swim lesson, and I may not be a perfect mother, but I have insisted that he take weekly lessons for the past four or so years, and now that we’re moving to a house with a pool I feel very good about that!!!

Working from coffee shops again because our house is being inspected for its buyer today.

All these selfies look the same because I’m always wearing the same clothes because 80% of my wardrobe is packed and in storage.

I took my last ever college class yesterday. It wasn’t super exciting because I still have so much work left to do on my PhD, but I suppose I should mark it as significant anyway.

I’m concurrently working on two different panel proposals for next year’s big conference. I feel much less anxious about it because I did the work to propose and moderate a panel last year. Grateful to past me for taking risks so that present me feels more composed, confident, and professional. I wish life always felt like a straight line, but it doesn’t, and that’s ok too.

R discovered a new way to eat cheerios over the weekend

One reason I'm really glad to be moving back to Alabama is to be closer to my niece. I also have a nephew there too, but he's still so little. But my niece is growing up, and she's super sweet and cute and has a wonderful personality, and I will be happy to be able to go to her dance recitals and birthday parties. I'm sure I'll feel that way about my nephew once he gets a bit older too.

I have felt like a bad aunt, but distance plus the fact that babies are uninteresting to me (unless they're my own) hasn't helped. Being two hours away will definitely help me be a better and more attentive aunt, and I'm looking forward to it.

Trying to iron out an insurance snafu, and it is making me want to fling myself off a bridge.