I am too tired of everything. Pagod na ako. I guess being optimistic is really too tiring for me. I just want everything to end. I just wanna give up at everything. Ayoko na.

I will truly miss this signature. Thank you so much HHM <3

Have you ever met someone, at least once in your life, who’s every action affects you and is making you feel all kinds of indescribable emotion (and I don’t mean it in a good way)? No, I’m not referring to someone you prospect to become your love interest but just someone who you are in acquaintance with, who could be a friend or any another. It could be an odd way of describing this person, but I couldn’t think of a more accurate way of describing this thing I have with “G”.

So where do I start?

I met G because she was Gail’s best friend. I’ve heard her name quite a lot, even before we met, because Gail often talks about how pretty she was (and still is), and she’s the person she’s been teasing to Wendell. Long story short, she was Wendell’s first love. (Lol just when I thought I could tell this story without sharing their love story, guess I have to continue this after all). They were high school sweethearts but were not in a relationship for G rejected Wendell though they’ve been exchanging I love you’s and had a mutual understanding. Safe to say, it’s a thing without a label. Lol, I am trying to make this understandable even though G’s reasons cannot be understood.

I met Wendell when things were over (akala ko lol) between him and G. Both of us agreed not to talk about our past relationships as both were not worth remembering and that’s another story to tell. So, I didn’t really know the story of him & G, what I only knew was that G was his first love and that’s it. Everything happened so fast between me and Wendell, one minute we were just friends, next thing we were already committed. But something that happened fast is bound to end early. As a result, to an abrupt decision, our relationship didn’t last long. It turned out, he hasn’t moved on yet. The moment Wendell knew that G was still crying, as told by Wendell’s sister-in-law and a friend of G, because of regretting her decision of rejecting him and finding out he ended up with me, he broke up with me and took another chance at her. Your boy was a hopeless romantic, guess that’s what first love can do. Of course, that’s not the reason he told me. It was I who figured it all out, by connecting the dots, by investigating, by my gut feels. You know what’s funny? We were all in the same circle of friends being G as the best friend of my sister, and my sister’s friends were my only friends in the organization. Wanna know what’s funnier? Everybody knew that Wendell and I were in a relationship, except G. She didn’t know, she said, that’s why she entertained Wendell. LIES. The very reason of her endless cries was knowing Wendell was committed with somebody else, and that he did not wait like he promised to do. I remember listening her talked to him over the phone in front of me at the house of my aunt, with only a month since Wendell and I broke up. “Miss, tubagon nako?” I remembered her asking my sister for permission. Without seeing who’s calling, I certainly could recognize that voice. And she freaking had the audacity to answer the call in front of me and letting me here their ‘ligawan’ stage. Yes, she is that insensitive. She is that dense. I remember secretly scanning Gail’s phone just so I could get updates of the two. I remember telling Gail about my hopes for me and Wendell while she stopped my illusions as she knew something was going on between her bestfriend and Wendell. I remember feeling betrayed by my own sister by continuing being a friend of the two, but especially of G, as I felt her loyalty was with G and not with me. I remember seeing the man I love hurting because of her again, entertaining him for a while and giving him high hopes but just dumped him in the end as she has other priorities. I remember hating seeing her face while she acts normal and even treated like a family at home. I remember doing everything I could to ease my awkwardness with her, from inviting her to every family event to dinners to bonding because I considered her as Gail’s best friend and an almost relative. I remember her rejecting all those offers because of all kinds of excuses. I remember her distancing herself from her then closest friends because they are now close with me. I remember her blocking us from all social media account because she was hurt seeing me and Wendell happy. I remember her not replying to all my messages, but answers call and replies when it’s Wendell. I remember her arrogance and pafeeling important attitude during Uncle Ben’s wake. I remember her not uttering a single “condolence” to Wendell and the fam despite her being on the wake, just because I was with Wendell and she thought that I might get jealous. (Really? Would I even think of that during the family’s despair?) I remember her playing the victim the whole time in every reconciliation talks as if she was the only one that’s hurting just because she hasn’t move on yet while my relationship with Wendell was running smoothly. I don’t know. I don’t know if I could forget all of these. The cut is so deep. But I still hope, that one day, my heart will learn to heal. I just don’t know when. I just don’t know.

I was keeping this for a time, but now, I just feel the need to let this out. I am trying. I am trying my very best to see the good things more than the negatives. Pero ang hirap. Mahirap when you have been through a lot, and you were able to experience the realities of the world, the injustices; and all those took effect to how you are perceiving the world now and you have no other choice but to keep living. But living, for me, is not as easy as it seems for others. It is not just being able to breath, eat and rest, but it is as complicated as solving calculus equation; you do not understand the process, yet you need to solve it anyway. And it is like domino, one bad or good move (decision), could affect those of others, especially those closest to you.

I was scanning through my old posts before I realized that I have only shared a little part of myself in here. This media is my outlet to my thoughts away from judgment of people from FB, IG, and Twitter. I guess everyone just wanna be understood and this is my way for people to know me and hopefully understood me. This platform is an open secret; I posted links on this on my other social media accounts, and only people who want to know me will make an effort of actually knowing me. But after rereading my older posts, I found out I haven’t shared enough. Well, I could start with this one.

I used to be so innocent and optimist from way back. Despite someone’s meanness, I could always see his/her innate goodness. I am perhaps brought up like that. But that innocence was taken advantage by a person whom I thought was a “friend”. Bear with me, I don’t really know how to tell a story and play with words as my vocabulary is limited and my grammar sucks (still blaming that English teacher from HS who never taught us basic English grammar lol). “Friendship” is such a sensitive topic for me for reasons I’ll share later. I was 7 years old, Grade 3, when a group of “sikat” girls at school welcomed me to be part of their group. We were all on the same grade but “E” (who acted as our leader) was around 4 years older than me. It was a great feeling to be a member of something, to feel like you belong, to find “friends”. Who wouldn’t want friends in the first place? Never did I thought that that honest “friendship” would become my entrance to a darker world, to that real slapped of reality. Perhaps every kid is looking forward to playing at each break time. But not me, all those times were tortures to me. Playtimes were times when I always feel left out & when I always feel useless. E was always the group leader each time we’re playing in a group. During choosing who they want to be in their group, I am always the last person they pick. Most of the time, I am the “baboy-baboy”, the “pakapin”. It was childish, yes, but it’s that act that I first notice deprivation and bullying. I admit I wasn’t sporty, or maybe that’s what they made me feel, that I am not good at anything. Since then, I never like playing. It had stuck to my head that I am not for sports. Dictatorial. That’s the kind of friendship we have with E. It was almost at the end of that school year when I felt something strange; when I felt that change of E’s treatment. She may be changed or maybe I chose to notice. What E wants, E gets. What E tells, everyone listens. If you don’t want to be bullied, you should be closer to E. You should make things that could make E happy. “Pasipsip”, that’s your ticket for a peaceful school year. I was her “alagad”, literal. Mura mig nasa isa ka kulto. She’s a dictator to the point na maski lunchbox nako iyang ikambyo sa iyaha kung walay lami iyang pagkaon, and in replace, ako mokaon sa iyang baon; ako moanswer sa iyahang exams and quizzes, ang akong allowance iyang kuhaon. At first, I willingly give my money, as I have extra, but it reached to the point where she forcedly took the money from me, abrihan akong bulsa, and took everything. Remember when I said I was innocent then? I was, and she took advantage of that. Not just my innocence but my naivety because despite seeing and experiencing all that, I still considered her as a friend and what I was doing is just to keep the friendship. I thought that’s the worst she could do. But no. From getting our (along with my other friends) allowances of 5 to 10 pesos, it reached to her requesting us to get her money for her family, for her outing, and for all other reasons. And from where will we get that amount? That’s for us to figure out, because if not, ‘ipabarang’ mi niya, which could lead to us and our family dying. Imagine the fear that a 7-year old child, who wants to live, felt during those times? “Walay dapat makabalo ani, kay kung dili, ipabarang ta mo. Labaw sa tanan, ayaw ingna inyong ginikanan. Kay once mogawas ni, kabalo namo unsay mahitabo.” Those words were stuck in our minds. “Kailangan na nako ang kwarta karun.” And so, me, together with Cathy, cut classes and walked our way home, kay wala mi kwarta para mosakay, of almost 2 km, and made alibis to our parents, kung ngano mi nanguli, and find ways to get money from our parent’s wallet just so we could live. Yes, we were thieves. Abi namo kaisa lang, but she asked repeatedly. From asking 100 pesos, to 200, even reaching up to 500. That breath of relief each time I can walk out home without them noticing that I stole money from them is as intense as that fear I felt when mother started noticing my weird actions resulting to her checking my pocket and bag before I head back to school. Good thing she did not check my shoes. I still couldn’t think of those traumatic experiences without getting emotional, and I am now, as I am writing this. I suffered mental, emotional and physical torture. Yes, even physical. There was a time when E told us that someone stole her bracelet and the one who stole it is from one of us. She called all of us in the group, asking us to surrender earlier as she will still know eventually after the ritual she will about to make. “Mananagna”, that’s what she told she is. She took a piece of our hair, leave us waiting for the result, as she was talking in front of the tree, crying, praying, conversing with her “invisible twin”. She went back to us from time to time announcing the names of those who she said innocent, leaving me, Cathy and Lovely as the possible culprit. She talked to us individually in different places, all were asked to admit a crime we did not do. In her desperation to made us admit, she physically harmed us. I received several slaps and a mental torture of being called a thief, while Cathy and Lovely were pushed towards a cliff full of big red ants. Knowing that she was capable of physically harming us, we chose to zip our mouth and follow what she told us to do. That kind of life continued til we reached the end of 5th grade. If not for Abegail’s braveness of speaking to her parents, we could have possibly suffered more. Akala ko once the truth has been exposed, I could finally live a normal life. But then I was wrong. Instead of understanding and pity me for what I have been through, my aunt focused on that fact that I stole money from her.  Instead of comforting a child, she exposed it to other relatives, telling everyone that I am a thief, and they all laugh towards my naivety of how simple it could have been if I told them eventually what happened. “Mao na! Kay dali man gud ka mahadlok ug tao! Basin mangatol nana imong kamot ha, inig dili ka makakawat.” Their words have affected me very much to the point that even I am doubting my own self. “Dili kaha ako ang nagkuha ato?” My every thought each time someone’s thing is missing. I judged myself first, thinking others would also judge me the same. I became conscious of what others think of me. I hear their voices more, more so if its negative criticisms about me. Celebrating my achievements became harder as I see those as worthless, knowing people will remember your faults more than the right things you did. If there’s one event in my life that I really want to completely forget, that would be it. Since then, I want nothing else but a restart at life. That is why I was ecstatic upon hearing that we were moving out and transfer to a new home with a new environment and new people finally. But different from what I thought, me transferring to that school has worsened my negativity, my distrust, and unhappiness. High school drama. High school bullying. Being a transferee, I was a victim to all of that. Having that eagerness of restarting my life, the moment I entered that new school, I act the way I want people to see me. I aimed to be good at school in order to gain my parent’s trust back. I want to be a good person. For a time, I thought I was doing good with my restart, I made a lot of friends, topped per grading rankings, and often praised by teachers for being reserved. But I guess humans are humans. Some of my classmates thought that I am just faking everything. “Too good to be true”, that’s what they say. “Pasipsip” “Pagoody-goody” “Igat” “Humok ug Ilong” “Nasa sulod ang kulo” that’s what they branded me.  Restart what? I am back to that whole dark world again. It turns out, they just become friends with me to find fault in me. Guess what? They succeeded. There was that guy who courted me. Those “friends” supported the guy’s act; saying all the good things about him, telling me how sincere he was, and all other good praises about the guy, just for me to say yes. Growing up, I was taught that being in a relationship is not a game. It is sacred. The only purpose for entering it is to marry. But peer pressure. The “friends” are all pushing me to say yes. I have that desire to feel accepted and once again I disappointed myself for giving in to the pressure. They used that case to judge me and my whole personality telling their brandings of me are all real. What can I do? I made the wrong choice. I help them prove that they were all right. Good thing the guy was kind enough the moment I took back my answer. I still feel sorry for that guy though, I saw his sincerity and I know his intentions were clear. But no, that time I know I wasn’t prepared to commit. That’s just the first incident and a lot more has happened after. I can’t survive a single day without breaking down. My lunch breaks were all filled with tears for all the bullying. Maybe I was just too sensitive or maybe they were also rude. Though I was able to find people who stick with me through all that, High School just made my world darker with each passing day. Not that I did not enjoy high school, but whenever I tried to look back, I could think more of those bad times, and the trauma it has caused me.

I still have a lot to share. . . .Hang on. . .

Hypocrites

HHM Fam <3

It’s amazing how the heart heals so fast. Just one sorry from the person you wanna hear saying sorry could wipe all those tears away, not even minding all those sleepless nights and countless breakdowns. But I am more amazed as to how JH is answering my questions in ways I did not expect, and in ways that I could see and understand His views. We forgive and forget easily because that is how we are designed by JH. JH is LOVE, and love covers all imperfections. “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” Being created through JH’s image means acquiring all these traits. And that is why it took this long before JH ends all these sufferings, as He over and over gives everyone a chance. And JH let me experience this situation firsthand so I could understand. 

I wish to find my own James Reid. Someone who will stick with me from my ups to my lowest of lows. But that would be too much to ask. I wish I could be as strong as Nadine. I wish I could find reasons to go on. I wish to find my life's direction. I wish. How I wish.

For the sake of my sanity, I will leave facebook, messenger and all other media that could link me to you and everyone.

Then I realized, I wasn't really a good girlfriend. I am not sweet. I don't make efforts the way other girls do. I don't make surprises. I am not clingy. It could be that or maybe I am just a reflection of my man. At the end of the day, a relationship should be work on by two people. If the other gives up, the other follows. For now, the least I could think is to settle. My self needs saving. I wanted to save him, but I am not who he needs.

Ganyan ka naman. Nang iiwan ka kung kailan kita pinaka kailangan.

Just in case you do not know, your reasoning is so lame. But I don’t want another argument. So let me answer that here because I need to let this out starting from where this argument started:

1.”Pwede kuhaa na ng BYE sa imong profile?. . .Or basin mas ganahan ka nga ipermanente na diha? makita sa uban nga BYE nagyud. Nagbalik naman unta ta pero ngano ng BYE?”  

Kagamay sa butang noh? Ingon kang wala ka nasuko pero asa gikan ng or basin mas ganahan ka? And who on earth cares about facebook profile? Ana ka big deal? Ug klaro pa kaayo sa akong isip ang imong pag ingon nga dili ta magpost.x sa facebook nga okay ta.Tapos kana lang? Why would we even care about other people’s sentiment? Since when did we even cared? 

2. “Nausab nagyud ka”

Nakapansin kang nausab ko pero wala ka nag effort hibaluon ug ngano. Kinahanglan pa ba nako moingon word by word nga “depressed ko. gusto nako mamatay. tabangi ko” para mabati nimo nga kinahanglan kog kastorya, nga kinahanglan kog higala?

3.”Gusto nakong isayod unsay hinungdan pero unsaon nako pagsayod nga di ta parehas ug oras?”

Walay gusto mag adjust. You of all people know very much how it is so hard for me to open up especially through chat. For weeks, good morning and good night lang, and you settle for that, ikaw unta nakabantay ug tinuod kang gabantay nga naa nay mali. Unsaon nimo? Freaking call. I have been waiting for your call for months. Ana ka manawag ka. pero nooo. Gaexpect ka nga ako lang makatawag. Ako nalang ba?

4. “Di najud nako kaya ipadayon ni kay sa tinuod lang wa na nako gibati nga naa pakoy uyab, ang uyab nga maduolan nako anytime, uyab nga kinasuorang higala nga maduolan dayon. Obligasyon man gud na nato sa atong uyab.”

Segurado ka nadungog nimo imong kaugalingon? Kung dili nako mabuhat, nganong dili ikaw ang mohimo? NGANONG DILI PWEDE IKAW POD ANG MOHIMO? Bug at ba ko nga pagkauyab? Gademand ba ko bisan gamay? Ni anniversary wala nakahinumdom. 

And maaaaan, of all times, nganong permanente ka motiming kung kanus a hapit nako patayon sa akong amahan? wow. best in timing gyuuuuuuuuud ka permiiiiiiiiiiiii.

My voice doesn’t matter to anyone. All I wanted was to be heard. All I wanted was to be cared. All I wanted is a friend. All I wanted is to be understood. That’s all I wanted. Is it too much to ask?

I don’t blame my parents. I can’t blame them. Like me, they are a victim of imperfection. They are also victims of this life. They have to breathe because they need to live. No other choice. Everyone just has to live. Don’t you think that issue at Eden has gone way too much, way too long? What more proof is needed to convince everyone that Satan is incapable to govern Earth? Humans are victims. Everyone is just a victim.

How many times do I have to restart at life and actually succeed? Satan must have been so happy seeing me at this low again. Okay now Satan, you win. A part of me now is doubting if God actually exists because if he does, how could he stand to see His own creations suffer from this life’s anxieties and cruelness? Of course, I know the answer by facts but my heart says otherwise. When? When does it end?

Tapos na 'yata' ako sa pagiging bitter o narating ko na ulit yung 'numb stage'. Gusto ko nalang gumaan yung pakiramdam ko.

Mura lagi nig baliw akong emotions ayy. Nganong kahilakon naman sad ko all of a sudden?