justastrugglinggirl - Tumblr blog

justastrugglinggirl · 6 years

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I started writing at like 3:00 AM and these are my thoughts.. sorry its kinda long

Hello, my fellow strugglers. If you have found your way to this page, congrats I guess. I won't be sharing this link with anyone and have decided to keep who I am 100% anonymous. I really don't know what I'm doing, I was feeling down and wanted to talk about all my shit but I ran into three problems...

1) It's about 3 AM so no one is awake.

2) Even if people were awake, I don't have anyone to talk to, yes I have friends and people who care but let's be real, do they really give a fuck? Would they give me any advice that I haven't already thought of?

3) All of my shit is confidential, no one in my life knows all the fucking shit I have going on, and they aren't about to find out.

So instead of ranting on my finsta just for no one to comment, or texting my friends a long ass paragraph about why I'm upset just for them to say "aw I'm sorry" then continue with their gossip, I decided to make this fucking blog. Don't ask me where I got the idea because I don't know. I guess I like the idea of being able to talk to the world about all my damn problems without anyone actually knowing who I am.

I probably have about one thousand things to bitch about but of course, the thing that has me up into the late hours of the night is a boy. Man oh man, I don't even know where to start, but since I got a while and don't wanna go to bed, I'll tell you everything. (This dude has been a problem in my life for over a year now, so I will most definitely skip over something on accident but just go with it). I don't wanna put any real names online because ya know... digital footprint or whatever so I'm gonna call him "Rocket".

Okay so it all started about a year ago, I was at an extremely lame party and found myself sitting quietly in the basement of some person's house on a couch with no one I knew. Now lots of people were bored so as the night went by, more and more people started to crowd together away from the twerk fest. This is when I met Rocket. Since the couch was so packed, we were forced to sit right next to each other, thigh against thigh, shoulders overlapping, ya know what I'm saying? So with nothing better to do, we started to talk, and pretty soon I figured out that he is the sweetest, most funny person I've ever met.

>>>>>> Sidenote, at this point I had only kissed two people in my entire life, and neither of them was my choice. So I was kinda awkward when it came to stuff like that so I didn't pick up on any of the hints that he might want a hookup. I missed the constant eye contact, I missed the gentle touching (not sexual but you know what I mean), I missed the compliments, I thought he was just a nice guy. Man, I wish I picked up on it, I wish I'd kissed him, I wish I flirted harder, why was I so fucking idiotic?? <<<<<<<

Back to the story. I went home that night with Rocket on my mind. A few days later my good friend (that happened to be dating Rocket's best friend) told me that Rocket wanted to hook up with me. Bet you can't guess what my dumb ass did. I FUCKING SAID NO!! I guess at that time I thought that if you hooked up with someone that made you a slut, dumb dumb dumb dumb me. Little did I know that this little hook up comment from my friend was completely wrong. Remember how I said my friend was dating Rockets bestie? Well, I guess Rocket told his bestie that he LIKED ME... not wanted to hook up... he liked me. I'm not sure where it got mixed up but this information went from Rocket to his bestie to my friend. So after I declined his so-called hookup request he moved on, but oh my loooorddddyyyy I still had a crush on him.

Fast forward in time a bit, somehow through the course of like 5 weeks my friends and his friends mixed and we became a friend group... TERRIFIC... So our new group hung out damn near every day of every weekend. I was forced to be with the guy that I had the BIGGEST crush on 24/7 while he had no idea, and treated me like "a bro". This is what I like to call my own personal hell. But wait, it gets so much fucking worse.

For this to make sense I kind of have to loop back in time, so let's pretend this is one of those scenes in the movies where the video freezes then the narrator starts talking and it cuts to a flashback.

Flashback:

{I happen to be a cheerleader, and oh my goodness if you're about to judge me for it I will fucking murder you. Let's stop the stereotypes... no, I'm not a bitch, not popular, not dumb, not a fucking blond. During practice I got really close with my teammate... let's call her Mouse. The whole time I liked Rocket, I told Mouse everything about it, whenever he did something sweet, something mean, if he hugged me, anything and everything. Okay now that you know this little piece of information, let's cut back to the story.}

Hmm bet you can't guess who else started to like Rocket. Bet you would never think that my cheerleader friend would stab me in the back and go for the guy that I've been telling her about for months. Bet you thought that stuff only happened in the movies. Well, guess what, you're wrong. I'm sure your thinking, it can't get worse, your friend already broke the girl code, your boy story doesn't get worse right? Wrong. Rocket fucking decided to like her back. WHAT THE FUCK. Remember how we are in a friend group? Guess who got to hear about everything Rocket had to say about Mouse. This girl!! lol guess who's a dumb bitch and didn't say anything to either of them. This girl!! Guess who actually gave her crush good advice about his new chick. This girl!! Guess who played cupid in their little fucking love story. This girl!! Guess whose life is a living hell. This girl!!

Let's fast forward a bit to a little peaceful time in my story where Rocket's little fling with Mouse has finally ended. During this time, I actually had hope, this kid would flirt with me, hug me from the back and everything. His friends or as he would say "bros" told me he liked me. Then one day after we snapchatted for legit hours back and forth, he said something that just fuckin broke my heart. (We were literally doing so well, and I actually thought we had a chance. UGH!) He texted me and goes "hey [insert his cute nickname for me here], I heard that you like me but I don't wanna be all that".

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU DICKWAD!?!?!? WHATTTTT WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LEAD ME ON FOR SO LONG IF YOU HAD NO INTENTION OF BEING WITH ME!?!?!?

Like any normal person, I replied with something along the lines of "lol idk where you heard that but I don't like you" then being the asshat that he is he went on saying that he didn't believe me and that he could tell I liked him. Okay, I know this shouldn't have made me so pissed but at this moment he was being such a cocky little asshole and I was embarrassed, so I told him I liked some guy from a high school near ours. For my lie to work I had to pretend it wasn't a lie, so naturally, I told all my gals to go along with it and they did. My little fib was kinda successful, but the truth always comes out...

Suprise, this part of the story takes place at another party. I guess one of my dude friends in my friend group (let's call him Rainbow) saw me admiring Rocket from a distance (oops, I couldn't help it, this guy is seriously just so cute). So while I was talking to one of my guy friends (not in squad) Rainbow came up to us and shouted "YOU STILL LIKE ROCKET". . . FUCK YOU RAINBOW!!! Now the kid I was talking to was completely surprised and wouldn't let it go, even though I insisted that Rainbow was wrong and that I liked my made up, guy. Guess who walked up to us as we were talking about it... FUCKING ROCKET!

So the guy I was talking to shouts "Hey Rocket, [insert my name here] likes you!!!" Dude seriously like what the hell. I was completely embarrassed. I started to get hot, my forehead started to bead with sweat, I could feel my face getting bright red. If I tried to lie my way out, no one would believe me. So I stood there for what seemed like forever just trying to think of how to make my little personal hell end and all I came out with was "no". You wanna know what Rocket said? He goes "I know she does". EEEERRRRRGGGGG I fucking liked him so much but oh my goodness I hated him too. So that was that for a while, just me living in embarrassment every time I saw him, getting all red whenever he entered the room. He made me feel so small like I was wrong for liking him- sorry your so perfect and I can't help but be obsessed with you.

After some time everyone forgot about me liking him, and I guess I learned to hide it a lot better. Because oh baby, those feelings did not go away. So he started to treat me like a bro again and telling me about the girls he liked. Guess who he liked again? Mouse. So being the good person that I am, I gave him advice about her, I sucked it up because I wanted him to be happy. If that meant he wasn't with me, whatever. If she made him happy, I would help it happen. Like all high school relationships, it didn't last and they ended their thing.

Now he decided to move onto another girl I cheered with, so I helped him with it and go her to like him because I'm just that good of a person. Damn, why do I always sabotage myself?

So after his short-lived thing with the other cheerleader (dang I guess he has a type), he started flirting with me again. Okay, I know I've mistaken someone being nice with flirting before, but this time I was sure. He would snap me saying I was pretty, text me when he was bored, ask me to hang out one on one, play truth or truth over the phone. I thought that my hell was finally ending, I thought maybe just maybe I would get to be happy. So one night we were up late talking to each other he started to ask who I liked (bitch, its youuuu), I didn't wanna tell him so I would just say I wouldn't tell or I didn't know. Then I would ask who he liked, and he replied the same way, which made me pretty excited. So after a while of going back and forth, he said "[insert my nickname here], just tell me, what if we like each other?" You can imagine how happy I was. I don't know if I've ever smiled so big before. I was kicking my feet in excitement, I had so much energy, I was the happiest girl alive. I replied with "you first". Prepare yourself for a lifetime of let down, because he replied with "I like Mouse".

WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN'T DO THAT, THIS IS WRONG, REWIND TIME, THIS CAN'T BE REAL. WHY OH WHY WOULD SOMEONE SAY THAT. YOU CAN'T SUGGEST THAT YOU LIKE ME THEN GO BACK TO THAT FUCKING BTICH. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.

My heart sank, I could actually feel that red beating thing in my chest drop. I had so much excitement and I was so happy, then one fucking snap chat took it all away. Why does Mouse get him, what makes her so much better than me that he would keep going back to her? Was it because she was prettier, would she put out faster than me, was it the way she dressed, was she funnier, nicer? Please fucking tell me. I replied and said that I liked a kid from camp, now this kid wasn't made up, and I did talk to him a lot, enough for him to be on my best friends list, but he lived in Chicago, so nothing would ever actually happen with that. After this little heartbreak, I vowed to myself to never like Rocket again. He would never stop stringing me along, and he would always pick someone better than me.

At this point, I actually did get over Rocket. I didn't spend my nights thinking of kissing him, I didn't fantasize about us going on dates, he was out of my mind. The only thing is that there was no one else for me to like. No one compared to him, no one related to me as much as him. No one caught my eye. So I spent a long while, just single, and I got very bored. I got mini crushes on people during this time, but I never acted on them, and they were always very short lived, maybe one night I'll write about those too.

Fast forward. Rocket went out of town for almost all of summer because his dad lives in Florida. I'm not sure how it happened but we started snap chatting again. But I promise I didn't like him. We snapped about everything, like good friends would do. We talked about his family, what he wanted to do when he grew up, how he kind of still liked Mouse, how he was over Mouse, where he wanted to travel, everything. We had so much in common. For example, our love for sunsets was crazy, I had never met anyone that felt that same way as me when it came to colorful skies (I'll probably write about this more in-depth sometime). We even had the same favorite color: orange. So somehow in the midst of all of our snapping, another crush started to form, but this time it was different. I really knew him, I thought I understood him, we could talk forever about anything.

Then one night we were chatting and a very familiar topic came up. Who did we like? The conversation went the same way as the other times, both of us refusing to tell each other who we liked. {As a point of reference, I would like to point out that this happened about 3 days ago}. This time, he said something like "I think I like you, but I'm not 100% sure, over the past few days I've started to get feelings for you". I honestly didn't believe what I was reading, I was so sure that it was going to be like the last time. I was happy, but it wasn't like last time. I knew this kid, and I knew that this probably wasn't real, so I didn't let myself get overexcited again. I replied with something along the lines of "yeah, that's how I feel, I'm not really sure if I do or don't because we haven't seen each other in so long". I let myself get excited when he started talking about hanging out, just us.

Two nights ago, he came back to our hometown and went to hang with his bros, which I understand 100% because ya know 'bros before hoes'. Okay, this is about to get kind of confusing so I'm gonna do another one of those rewind things.

>>>>> Within our squad a couple formed, Rainbow and let's call the girl Hippie. I might write about this whole thing sometime but for now, I'll give you guys a summary. After lots of drama Rainbow and Hippie started to date but the relationship was bad so they broke up, and it was ugly, making things within our group very awkward. So Rainbow was an OG member of our squad so the bros are more loyal to him and took his side. They started being mean to Hippie, I always stood up for her and tried to include her, but after a while, the boys started to kick her out of the group because she was doing mean things to Rainbow. She got invited to less and fewer events and then she eventually left our group chat. The boys had a running joke about how she smelled bad (she does kinda smell but I hate that they talk bad about it). Another thing you need to know is that Rainbow was out of town during the point of the story that we are about to get back into. Now you have enough information for me to get back to the story.<<<<<

So Rocket was with his pals and Rainbow texted in our group chat saying he wanted to add her back in, and all of them complained and started sending memes about her. I texted in it telling them to stop and for Rainbow to add Hippie back in. Hippie was indeed added back in and when she was, some of the bros replied to it by saying "fuckkkk". They started sending memes encouraging her to leave the chat once again, and Rocket just let this happen, he even joined in on sending the memes. She left the chat again and I think she was really upset by it. Now, this might not sound like a big deal but it honestly pissed me off. I know some of Rocket's friends are mean, but that's never been him, he has always stood up for people or at least stayed quiet. This wasn't the Rocket that I had grown to like.

To make matters worse, once he got to his friend's houses, he left me on open, and I've been on open ever since. I know I'm being all bitchy and this stuff is not even a big deal but honestly, it has me pissed off.

If you've gotten this far into this post I'm very impressed because it was a whole lot of fucking teenage drama. You're also probably thinking that I'm petty and that these aren't even big problems. You are right. However, I've never had a real boyfriend, so this stuff is kinda big to me. Comment your thoughts on this, and tell me, should I go for Rocket?

#struggle boyproblems awkwardteen drama

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