Dating Life/Met my neighbor crush

7/20/2018

Does dating really even exist any more? I decided to get off Match when my subscription ended. I have been on and off pof but honestly nobody is even remotely what I want. My friend wants to set me up with a family friend named Jason but I have yet to hear from him. Kyle called me a few nights back to let me know he misses me. Its just so tough with him because he is unsure about kids and marriage and even commitment. I want someone who is ready and sure about me. I want to be someone's first priority. I deserve that. If I am not then I don't want them in my life. 

I also met my neighbor crush. I knew I had to blog our story because I am sure I will come back and look at this and just laugh. I really wanted to meet someone in my complex. So I started walking laps around it whenever I had time in the evenings. Well I saw a cute guy on the third floor in my building outside. I kept telling myself I would say hi, but I was too dang nervous. So I rushed through another lap hoping he would still be outside and I can try again. Nope he wasn't out there. So plan B. Saturday evening I just finished MOD’s pizza and a beer and decided to mix up a drink and to sit outside in front of my building to get some fresh air. Secretly hoping that he would come out and say something. I had my friend John on his way to come hang out with me. I was giving my neighbor until 10pm to come out. And he did! I was so surprised it worked. He came down and we have been hanging out a lot ever sense. Well despite the week he was hanging with his ex Magin everyday. That ate away at me for sure. They work together and that makes it hard for me too. Our first date as I would call it was at La Marsa. It was so dang good! I am not sure spending so much time with my neighbor is a good idea but for now we really enjoy each others company. I will continue to pray that God leads me to right where he wants me in my life. I will do my best to keep writing on a regular basis with updates. Its good for me to see how God is working in my life by seeing my post but also helps me emotionally get my feelings out as a way of therapy for me. For now I am trying to work on living for today and living in the moment more as the Bible tells us do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. 

Life Update!

7/20/2018 

Wow I feel like I need to update from what I have done from this list so far this year. I decided against FP4H and decided not to finish the Shortcut to Shred. I have been following a now pro bodybuilder on IG and I have been doing here workouts. They are amazing!

I passed my CPT exam and start coaching on Monday at Fuel Fitness! this has been weighing heavily on my heart for about a month now but I feel like its a great opportunity to get my feet wet. I have a few workouts already planned out and I am hoping to keep them all organized in a binder. I also need to get Spotify to start downloading some playlists! I learned to a sermon recently and I loved what they said. “Comfort is keeping me from my calling” its honestly the truth! So I finally decided I need to be uncomfortable to do what God has called me to do. I have felt super anxious and doubted myself a lot lately but God wouldn't of allowed me to pass this exam and for me to be so passionate about something that he did think I could excel at! I do all things thru Him anyways!

As far as my weight loss goes. I am down 7.5 pounds for the last 6 months! Still have 10 pounds to goal. I need to crush it! I have a feeling coaching will help motivate me to eat better and get stronger! Which I am so excited to finally have a fitness community.

My prayer and Bible plans haven't been as consistent as I would like them to be. I am trying to do 10 minutes before bed and right when I wake up. I am reading 3 plans on the Bible app. 

I have started to decorate my apartment a little bit. I am waiting until brothers wedding to add pictures to my new wood picture hanger in my kitchen. I am also thinking about getting a wine rack soon to hang up and gradually get more stuff for the bathroom! I need to focus on staying organized and have less clutter.

Unfortunately the weekend trip to Traverse City I don't think is happening this year. But I will be going to Grand Rapids for a night in August to get away for Kelsi’s bachelorette party. This should be a super fun time! If I get a chance to camp this summer/fall it would be amazing but with 2 more weddings coming up my time is limited now. 

Winter jam didn't end up happening since the roads weren't safe enough to drive in. Maybe next year. 

I attended the Arnold Classic and it was AMAZING. I am honestly still going through samples and that was back in March! I can’t wait until next year! I hope I have someone to go with and to stay one night or the whole weekend this time!!

Sister is measuring 42 weeks today for baby BOY! She is due in 2 weeks so he can make an appearance any day now! My sister asked me to be in the room to take a picture of Jim holding him for the first time. I am going to try and make it in time. My fear is that her labor may not go as smoothly and it may scar me for life into wanting to have kids now. I will continue to pray about this. 

My brothers wedding is in less then 2 months! I am so excited to spend the day with them! I will be reading a verse or two during the ceremony. Nerves are already on an all time high, but I think I will be okay!

I didn't end up joining a softball league this summer. Life got super busy with studying for my exam the first half of the year and 3 graduations, 3 weddings, and 2 family reunions it doesn't give much time for much else. Maybe next year!

I am still currently attending therapy. I think it helps to get an outsiders perspective. I would like to continue going for the rest of the year but it depends on if I can afford it. 

Right now I am not looking for a new coding job. I like where I am with it and with adding the fitness coach in, I don't think its something I have interest doing at this time. I really want to master coaching so that one day I can open my own gym. 

I have done pretty well with no comparing myself to others lately although I have felt a lot of feelings about doubt and inadequacy. But I think that's normally starting out with something new. 

I think I have done a good job with focusing on the positives in my life. I have focused more on what I have and not what I don’t. And knowing that God’s timing is always right on time!

I am working on dumping my debt! I am proud to say that I refinanced my private loans from 22 years to 15! And I have 1 federal loan left that I will have paid off at the latest Sept 2019. My car will be paid off as well. My goal is to refinance from 15 years to 10 next Sept as well, Hoping for a lower interest rate. 

I have slacked on blogging! But I have thought about it SO much! Life gets so busy but I feel so much better when I write! 

My guys update will be in the next blog so stay tuned!

2018 Goals

New Year! 18 means New Beginnings and I am ready for them!

Some things I am looking forward to this year are:

Starting another 12 week session with Firstplace4Health

Completing the 6 weeks program Shortcut to Shred

Continue with my daily encounter Bible studies

Pray more

Getting personal trainer/CPR/AED certified by the middle of June

Find a part time job Personal training

Reaching my goal weight

Decorating my apartment

Taking a weekend trip to Traverse City

Winter Jam with my mom and sister

Arnold Classic with Katie

Having a new niece/nephew end of July/beginning of August

Having a new sister when my brother gets married in September

Joining a softball league in the summer

Go to therapy to work on my mental well being

Look into auditing positions at Henry Ford

Working on not comparing myself to others

Focus more on the positives of what I do have and not what I don't

Trusting God’s plan and timing to be exactly how things should be

Work on dumping more of my debt

Blog more

Meet the man I will marry if its God’s plan for 2018!

End of the year review

I made it through 2017! How did the last 4 months wrap up? 

I dated Kyle for a little bit and Patrick. Still a little down about how Patrick and I didn't work out. He is still dating Micaela. I guess its better to know now then to get hurt later! I want to be my mans absolute first choice! Kyle and Mike is still in and out of my life but we both know what we aren't meant for each other so we still check in on each other every now and then. 

I got a 3.25 pay increase at my coding job. I joined the First Place 4 Health 12 week Bible study. Went to the big house to see my nephew play football. Finished up my decluttering projects around my place for the most part. Hoping to finish the storage closet this week! Tried out a kickboxing class and Vibe Fitness. I went back to the restaurant to help on Sundays. I babysat Claire, Brielle and Koen for a few nights. It was definitely fun to pretend to be a mom for a few nights! I volunteered at Busch’s to help get donations for Gleaners Food Bank. I bought an elderly lady a pedicure. I sent out Christmas Cards to all my close friends and family who have lost a spouse this year. I attended my alumni dinner at Schoolcraft and met with some old classmates! I enjoyed a Christmas party with my mom and sister! I had a healthy dental exam as well as my blood work from my physical. Praise God for that! I enjoyed a girls night out coffee mug exchange party. I had fun with my family going to a comedy club and going roller skating with them. I marked off going to the shooting range on my bucket list! I went on dates with Josh, Jeff, Mike, Chris, and Wes. And I have tried to do my daily encounter Bible studies more then ever. I am excited for what 2018 will bring! That's my next post!

October 1st

I listened to a series once talking about giving ourselves more margin in our life and to not overbook our schedule. I have been trying to work on that myself! Today I went to Koen's football game and saw my mom there. It was her birthday. Came home and meal prepped, took a walk as I FaceTimed Mike and here I am with 2 hours to do what I have been wanting to do for weeks now! Blogging and catching up on my Bible app, as well as praying! I have been exploring groups lately and I attended a women's one last week. I really loved the group. But today I decided I was just going to stay home. I don't want to be too overwhelmed anymore. I have had so much anxiety the past few weeks that I am hoping if I give myself more margin then that will go away. I have tried lavender oil and it didn't help. I would rather not have to take medication if I am able to do therapy and natural remedies instead. Also prayer to help this pass! It finally went away a few days ago when Kyle contacted me again. I also looked into starting some therapy after the new year is here. Currently its $1300 deductible and $20 co-pay each time. If I switch to the lower deductible plan next year I wont be able to add to my HSA but I can still use that money towards my co-pay visits. The lower deducible plan is $250 but with mental heath visits on the new insurance plan the deductible is not applied! Unlimited visits for just the $20 co-pay. So I called insurance and got some contact names so I am able to make my appointment the beginning of December.

Another thing I have been looking into is going back to school. But its just too damn expensive. Just 4 classes a year at EMU is $6000 and my work only reimburses $3000 per year. I cant afford to still pay half of the schooling. I could take 4 at Schoolcraft but then I would still need 12 major classes for my bachelors at EMU. I am glad I looked into it, its just not financially doable for me right now and that's okay.

My horrible diagnosis an STD. Horrible, horrible, horrible thing! So I was talking to this guy from POF back in June while I was in Florida. He actually questioned me about being tested. It didn't ever actually strike me to ever get tested until he brought it up. Some lightbulb went off in my head. So I made an appointment and had her thoroughly check me with several different tests. First they call me with a bacterial infection then Chlamydia. Worst nightmare, right? I applied the gel to cure up the infection and took the antibiotic to clear up the STD. I am scheduled to get a recheck in 3 months. This opened my eyes to never ever not use protection unless both the man and I are checked ahead of time and I see proof of both results! I just feel so sick, unloved, and unworthy. God wouldn't put you through it if he wouldn't get you through it! Lesson learned!

First Place 4 Health is coming to 2I42! Its suppose to be a 12 week weight loss challenge which involves prayer and scripture memorization! Its $60 for 12 weeks including material and if another 12 week round happens then its $20 each time! This includes the book and classes! I have orientation for this next week. I'm anxious to see how this program works! Also to be surrounded by other Christians/friends to lose weight with! I have always had a passion to teach about health and fitness! If I love this program I definitely would be interested in teaching, if I am able to make my goals through it! So this will be a great change for me!

I still have a few more groups to check out. One this week and one next week. Then still one I need to find out when they meet. Once I meet with all of them I will make a decision which one I want to attend regularly. 

Kyle came back. So I really started to like Kyle and he tells me that he doesn't think he can be the man for me. And he's sorry he cant be. And I said so am I. So we didn't talk for a week. He contacted me on Thursday and said he still wanted to help me with my apartment and that he still wants to be friends. He came over this past Friday. We had a few drinks and we kissed and he stayed the night. He ended up fixing the resolution on my second computer screen and is looking into seeing if I can back up my old hard drive from my old computer to get all my old files off of it. I am so happy he is handy with that! He also did a spider check and killed the ones I had! Haha.. I think he's amazing. He apologized for letting me go last week. He said he just doesn't know what he wants in his life and that he needs to figure it out.. But that he enjoys spending time with me. He doesn't meet my usual checklist but I don't care, I care how he treats me. And I wouldn't want to change him, God changes people and only he knows the plan. I am going to continue to pray about him and us and see where that takes us. I actually haven't been on the dating sites since that kiss. I just really want to see where things lead with us. I know he seems lost with his career and what he wants but I know God can show him! I just hope he is open to checking out the church at some point! 

So my current workout routine consists of the one I did at the beginning of the year. The 12 week LiveFit Trainer. I am on week 4 this week! I purchased 5 classes at the new kickboxing place opening up soon here. I also purchased 15 classes at my brother gym. It will be nice to add in these classes for cardio to switch up my routine! I have also still been meal prepping healthy meals. I'm also excited that church is starting a weight loss challenge soon. The orientation next week. I am excited to hear more about this. 

My next challenge for myself is to declutter, clean, and decorate my apartment! I have created a 21 day plan for myself. I am hoping to get through day 5 by the end of next Sunday 10/8! Wish me luck!

And right now I am going to try and catch up on my Bible plan and prayer to start this week off right! These are my challenges for now and I will update soon! 

Blogging my Blessings-9/12/17

Sometimes life gets very overwhelming and things start to not go your way. So today I felt it was a must to blog all my blessings I have received this year.

A job that pays my bills and has not made me late on any of them

A job that allows me to work 100% from home

A job that allows me to still tithe

To be able to get closure from Matt and realize he isn't the man for me

To have the chance to date: Mike, Matt, Roger, Kevin, Tj, Eric, Doug, Jeremy, Kyle, Patrick to teach me more of what I do want and maybe don't want out of my husband.

To be able to go on the Women's Worthy Retreat with the Rock Church

To realize my job is much better off then working at Beaumont

To understand that a little more money doesn't compare to happiness at a job

To be able to afford to go to Chicago for Katie's 40th birthday

To be able to go down to Florida to spend a week and Fathers day with my dad

Faced my fears of flying alone

A job interview that made me feel very wanted because of my experience

Watched Brielle cheer in her first cheerleading competition

Watch Koen play his first game in tackle football

Surprising my brother for his 30th birthday

Watch Claire turn 1

Finished 2-12 week lifting plans and started a third one yesterday

Watched Lindsay and Chris get married

Blessed that my Dad didn't lose his home in Hurricane Irma

$8410.81 on loans this year so far

Having my apartment

Having my car

Having my family and friends

Wow I did do a lot so far this year. Its time to make the last 4 months the best of the year! I definitely have a lot to be thankful for!

5 Days Vacation

9/8/17

I should honestly be writing daily for therapy. Since I always have so much to catch up on since the last post. I turned down a job offer. It paid 2.26 more an hour but the hours weren't as flexible. I love the team I am currently on, so why fix what's not broken? That's what my mom said anyways. I am still not positive I made the right decision with declining the offer, but hopefully with time I will be thankful I did the right thing. 

So I am almost maxed out on my CTO hours where I wont accrue anymore. I needed to take it or I would lose it. So this is how I spent Tuesday-today off work. BTW I absolutely hate taking any days off, I panic and I spend money. Which is exactly what I did. 

Tuesday-I tried out a gym close to me and did the cycling class. It was fun but cycling in one spot is definitely not my favorite workout! We did close to 11 miles! During the day I went and checked out the stores at the Tanger Outlet. I really wasn't impressed with anything they had. I then spent my evening with Katie, Erik, Jacob, Leslie and her husband at Border Cantina. Its not my favorite place to eat. I felt so sick afterwards. I may never go there again. I then watched bachelor in paradise to end the evening.

Wednesday-I woke up and met my sister at the YMCA to do a HIIT class. It was super fun! I left wanting to have a dance party after. My sister, niece and I went to Panera for lunch. Afterwards we went to her place and Claire kept bringing me books to read her. She is almost 18 months. I love her SO dang much! They sure did brighten my day! The afternoon I had a doctors appointment. I wanted to get tested for STD’s. I didn't realize there was so many different things that needed to be done. I had a pap, vaginal culture, blood work, and urine sample! I guess its better to be thorough. That evening Patrick picked me up and we went to Tomato Brothers in Howell for dinner. It was amazing as always. We came back to my place after and made out. 

Thursday-I took a WERQ class at the gym. It was a different version in my opinion of Zumba. I loved how it felt like dancing more then just working out. Definitely a change for me, which is what I needed. I then went and got a massage and coffee at Red Dot in Northville. The place is SO good and classy, I loved it! After that I went and got my nails and lip/eyebrow wax done. Didn't do much in the evening. Watched a movie and spent 2 hours on the phone with Kyle

Friday-Today I woke up and went to the HIIT class at the gym. It was a great workout. Then came home, ate, got Starbucks, and headed to get my hair done. I love it, I wanted my blonde back! I spent this evening trying to find a few pajama sets for Belle’s birthday. I hope she really likes them! I also got a call that my pap came back negative but that I have a bacterial infection. So I had to pick up a prescription for that. I am continuing to pray for the other test results to come back. I have been super anxious lately. Buying way to many things. Luckily I had my money put away for my hair and wax this week and that my lens, contacts, co-pay at the doctors, prescription, and massage I could use my health savings account for. I am very thankful I chose that insurance this year. But I also took the time off to pamper myself. I ended up buying a hoodie, 3 pairs of panties, a dark jean jacket, and a denim dress. So I am waiting for those to come in the mail. I am trying to justify since I didn't go anywhere that it was okay to pamper myself. I just need to be able to cut myself off now. Christmas is fast approaching. My nieces birthday is this weekend and my dads next week. Then my moms 2 weeks after. I need to start saving for Christmas and I needed new tires for my car so I will need to make payments on that card to make sure its paid off within 6 months before crazy interest kicks in. I also need my brother to do my spark plugs which is going to cost me $70. I still have several other doctors appointments this year. Besides waiting on my test results, I go back for my flu shot, and then go back another time for my annual physical and blood work. I also have a dentist appointment coming up. I am glad I am being responsible with my health and vehicle because they are both very important. 

I also started a 40 day Gospel Reading Plan in my Bible app. My goal is to try and read some everyday. I figured being off this week it would help me try to make this become a habit.

I am also starting the LiveFit 12 Week Trainer plan next week and to start counting calories. Besides overspending I have also been overeating. I tend to do that when I am anxious about life and trying to compensate for that. When all I really need to do is to turn into God and pray about what's on my heart and ask for help. 

I have also thought about making changes in my life to meet new people. I want to try out a few life groups I am still waiting to hear back from on the details. I also want to join a softball league in the spring. I also want to do the TourDetroit next year where you bike 30 miles or something. It sounds super fun to me I just couldn't afford it this year.

Guy update:

I am still seeing Patrick. But he’s up north on vacation this weekend with 5 of his friends. I worry one of them is this girl who kept hitting on him on the party bus a few weeks back. At first he said she was too young but then when I brought her up again he said she actually does have her life together with a masters degree but is moving out of state in a few months. I cant live my life worrying though. I cant help if he doesn't like me. I think time with reveal that to me. And if it doesn't work out I need to be prepared that there is someone else out there perfect for me no matter how much it hurts.

Kyle I am suppose to meet tomorrow. He doesn't think he would be a good fit for me since I want a family and I have strong faith. Both of which he doesn't care about. Only God can put something on someone's heart though. We both said if anything we found each other to be just friends that don't live far and can hang out together! So I am anxious to see how that goes tomorrow.

Andrew-he is a guy who has messaged me a few times on match. He got my number today so I am curious to see if he text me when he gets back from out of town and if we end up meeting.

There are always several options but the right one will not let me get away. I will continue to keep the faith, have hope, and know God is working everything out for the good of those that love him.

8/30/2017 Patrick Len.

Met another guy off POF. Gosh did I ever say how much I hate dating? Its absolutely awful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be 32 and single again. Its tough, REAL tough out there. The first 2 dates were amazing but I need to step back and document red flags I have noticed so far, so I have something to look back on if this does go somewhere. So the cool thing about Patrick is that he lives in Brighton. He’s 29 and 5′8 1/2. Not really in my age requirements or height but lets be real, I cant be THAT picky. Turns out he works out at the same gym as me at pretty much the same time. I think that's pretty crazy. He’s in the army reserve and was an Interrogator in Afghanistan for a year. Currently he is a design engineer for GM and owns his own house. He just got out of a year relationship and ended it over a month and a half ago. They still talk, apparently she wants to join the military. He didn't like that she wasn't active, lived with her parents, didn't workout and wasn't self reliant at all. I am definitely a change from that. I do have my own place, career, dream job, workout 6 days a week, have wonderful friends, life groups, and a family to spend time with. 

We just had our first date on Sunday. We met at Ritter's custard in Brighton. Talked about his life in the military and I found out about his sister who married a women and lives in Texas. That was something I have never came across before in dating. I knew within 5 minutes I was attracted to him. I am not sure what it was, I just felt it. We ate our custard and headed over to the bar down the street for a few drinks. We made out for the last half hour. A really good first date.

Wednesday he sends me a pic of him in his job interview outfit. He looks so damn good. And he asked if it was dating site worthy? And I said no because I don't want you to be dating other people. Well after the interview he stopped by and brought me ice cream and fixed my dual monitors and we made out for hours. He told me before he left that he changed his profile picture on POF to the one he sent me earlier. I have been SO upset ever since. I just don't know what to think anymore. I am just a super jealous person and I'm insecure. Why am I not good enough? I was the first person he met online so I am sure he wants to see what all is out there. But the timing is terrible. I think it always is for me. He has text me on and off today but I don't know how to tell him I don't want to date anyone else without scaring him off. I know I don't know him its been 2 times I have seen him, I just don't have desire to see anyone else. I really want to pursue him, but obviously if just me isn't good enough, then that is going to be a problem for me. We are suppose to watch “This Is Us” together this weekend. I need to try to keep my walls up and try to get him to take me to dinner before just coming to his place. I want to actually date and get to know him first. The only person who really knows the answer to the outcome of this is God. So I am going to continuously pray for his direction on this. Why would God let me get so attached on date 1 if this isn't what he wanted for me? I am 32 now and I am ready to settle down, so I think anyways. 

So the positives about him are these:

Physical Attraction

Very Ambitious

Super Intelligent

Active (works out and plays sports)

College Educated

Financially Stable

Really good job

Owns his own house

Lives close

Believes in God

Wants kids

Non smoker

Close relationship with his family (golfs with his dad)

Owns Maximus (Chocolate Lab)

Independent (no pushover)

Never been married

Does not have kids

Army Reserve

Negatives about him:

His last relationship ended a month and a half ago and they dated about a year (he ended it)

Being too confident

Would he be able to put me first over himself to care about what I want to do and what matters to me?

Wanting to play the field and not get serious

Changing his POF profile pic to keep his options open

He doesn't like to shop

Best friend is a women

Still talks to his ex

Not a Christian

Does he still want to party?

Matt came back 7/18/2017

So let me rewind a little bit here. Back in December 2014 I met this man named Matt from POF at Ciai Amici’s in Brighton. I brought with me a huge tub of cookies to give him when we met up. Conversation went well and we ended up dating for 8.5 months. We never did sleep together. He knew that I wanted to wait until marriage. I ended up having a horrible gut feeling about us the last month we were trying to work things out. Something was off. And still to this day I think it was the Holy Spirit telling me to end things. So I did. Maybe God had other plans? This man would shower me with love notes and gifts all the time. I felt like I was the only women who existed and I trusted him so much. He did lie about being a smoker but eventually came clean about it. I didn't like he smoked, was messy, and was so depressed about losing his siblings. This put a lot of stress on me. Made me feel like sometimes I couldn't do anything to take away his sadness. When I ended things I also blocked him from FB.

Throughout our time apart I would date other men. But then my heart never fully moved on from Matt. My mom even admitted to me that I brought him up often even after we had broken up. I kept all his love notes and gifts he got me as well as pictures. I just never knew if it would be us again someday.

Fast forward to February 18,2017, I wake up and check my POF account. I don't think I ever sat up in bed SO fast to see that Matt was on there and messaged me. Something like “Hey, hope you are having better luck at this then I am because I obviously suck at it” Turns out I thought he had blocked me from FB this whole time. I had forgot after I ended things I was the one who blocked him so it could help me move on. Needless to say we talked for like 24 hours and then met up at Ironwood Grill in Plymouth. The sparks were there, like I had never left. Crazy fireworks going off. I was so nervous to even talk, it had been so long and I missed him so much. He said I looked amazing and that he is bald now and got fat, I laughed out loud lol. That didn't take away his sweetness and funny personality at all. Looks always do fade. He’s the same person but with much more baggage this time around. 

Apparently he was engaged to his ex fiancé Alexa. They started dating February last year I believe and then she cheated on him and slept with a guy in June. She is a ex stripper if that says anything about who she is as a person. She also has a 5 year old son named Trayton who she claims doesn't know who his dad is because she was raped. I will never know if that's the truth or not but what matters right now is that Matt basically adopted Tray. It goes back to when Matt was younger and his real dad left when he was little and his step dad jumped in to become a father figure for him. I really think that's why he wants Tray to be apart of his life forever. He calls him his son and said if we ever get married then he will be at our wedding. He wanted to work things out with Alexa and try to forgive her for cheating on him. He proposed around Christmas time. 

Another baggage he picked up was a DUI. I guess new years they got in a huge fight and Alexa called the cops on him and Matt got pulled over and a DUI. That's the day he said she moved out and they ended things. DUI’s are expensive. Not only does he have court fees but he had to have a breathalyzer, take random drug tests, do community service and go to counseling sessions. He also bought an expensive van when they were together which he honestly couldn't afford when they split up. She never really worked anyways though. He told her he would pay for her to go to school and then she wouldn't need to work and could focus on that. 

These were huge things to consider when taking him back. I still loved him so I didn't want to leave just because of him being broke and having to file bankruptcy. When my mom found out I started seeing him again she made it miserable for me. She said that he’s trying to use me to get his ex back. Lesson learned from me is to not let my mom know any of my personal business until I am ready to share and its gotten serious with someone.

The first thing he did to let me down was when he was suppose to come to my nieces birthday party with me. Tray ended up having stomach issues and had to go to the emergency room and missed the party. My mom was livid and made me feel super uncomfortable the whole party and chewing me out.

Then when I went to his place to drop something off I noticed a hoodie on the floor and a drawer open with a bra in it. This concerned me so much. Why have her clothes here if you are done? He told me he knew it looked bad but he was searching the drawers for playing cards for the hospital. He said he would get rid of all her stuff. He didn't, then I brought it up again and he still didn't. I still think he has some of her stuff at his place. His reasoning is because she doesn't have room at her dads for all her stuff so he is keeping it until she gets her own place. I still don't think that's right for him to keep them there.

Between fighting with my mom and wondering if I could really trust him I still continued for awhile longer. From the day he contacted me again I stopped contact with all guys I was previously talking too to see where this would go. 

I love his love letters and our rose petal bubble baths. And how he would have me watch him workout to try and motivate him! We also did our march madness brackets again. I love doing those with him. 

We both always shared country songs with each other. He has a terrible voice but I would love when he would sing for me.

This time some of the songs were:

“If I told you” by Darius Rucker

“Grow Old” and “Lifer” by FGL

“Say you wont let go” by James Arthur

Matt decided he would bring Tray to church April 14th. He knew he would love the kids area. So we checked him in and went into the adult service. Then afterwards Tray played and Matt talked to a girl he went to high school with for over an hour. He didn't introduce me to Tray or to his friend. I felt so unimportant and Matt and I got in a huge fight over it. 

Then we were suppose to spend Easter together and we didn't. Turns out he stayed home all weekend and didn't go up north and just thought about our relationship. I told him we have to do something about this. He came over that Monday and told me he didn't love me and that he doesn't know If he knows how to love and that he wishes he died over his siblings. Crushed my heart. How can I be with someone who doesn't even love me? So that Thursday we facetimed and I ended things. 

Kevin from life group was over and took me to dinner because he knew I was having a rough time. We hooked up and slept together when we got back. Definitely wasn't something that should of happened. But I guess things happen when you are vulnerable.

Back life up to January 7/18/2017

I have so much catching up to do since I blogged last so I am going to do my best to add in the most important details. I did end up joining Katie Stawara’s singles group. And still continued my Fenton group and Smalley’s group.

So back in January, the 13th actually I met Jeremy. He works in a factory and owns his own house in Tecumseh. Very sweet man. We met at the Blue Tractor in Ann Arbor. I honestly wasn't attracted to him right away but within 10 minutes of meeting me he said I was the most beautiful girl he has ever been out with and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was flattered but obviously had to get to know him more. On Jan 16th I started at Beaumont.  Then the 18th Jeremy and I went on date 2 to Pizza House in Ann Arbor. I believe this was our first kiss. He is a very genuine nice guy. The distance was tough. Over an hour to each others places. The more I thought about it the more I wasn't sure if I could be with a man who made less money then me. I really would like the husband to be the breadwinner for the family. 

I went to Chicago for Katie’s 40th Birthday with Katie, Erik, and Wendy. It was nice to take the train and get away for the weekend. We did a lot of eating, shopping and going to Starbucks.

Brr its cold!

1/7/2017

Good Evening!

Its officially winter weather! Luckily I have my remote job and don’t have to worry about getting out of my pajamas for work! Although I did just accept an offer working for Beaumont Health as a contingent remote coder. This will require on site training until I can work from home. This makes 3 jobs for me with Henry Ford and waitressing. My interview honestly went terrible! It really is all about who you know. I was not prepared for the HR interview at all. I am assuming my teacher Karen had a huge pull on whether I got the job and she loves me. I am excited to see where this new adventure takes me. It will give the chance to focus on reaching my goal of paying $20,000 on my loans this year. If HF doesn't have the OT then I can still work over 8 hours at Beaumont so I will never not be able to work more. 

Groups are beginning to start and the Brennan’s kicked off the term with discussing what God is going to teach us going into this year. I came up with 3 things I definitely need to work on this year.

1. Loving Christ more then any earthly thing

2. Ask and Listen before making any major decisions. God will guide us to do what he wants us to do. 

3. Be bold. Praying out loud

I have also decided to start a 40 day Bible plan with learning about the Gospels. The Bible is very overwhelming for me and I was told to start with these. I start the Smalley’s group in a few weeks and look forward to focusing on a study with them. I think sometimes going over the church services gets very repetitive. Swiger and Katie are splitting up this term. Lindsey is taking all the parents and Katie is taking all of us who do not have kids. Things are coming together now and details will be revealed soon. I am pretty sure I am in for the Brennan and Smalley group but I am not sure about Katie’s group yet. I will need to pray about it and do what is best for myself.

Health and fitness goals for this year are still in the works for me. I am still wanting to do the half marathon this October in Detroit, It would give me something huge to work towards. I also am thinking about switching up my weight routine by doing the LiveFit by Jamie Eason 12 week plan. This was a rough week for diet and exercise and I look forward to focusing next week! 

Boys are being boys of course. Mike and I still talk everyday. We started Face timing and I really enjoy that. I will keep praying on this and keeping my options open on the sites. His sister in laws urged me to let him pursue me. Again something to pray about.

I am excited to see what is ahead for 2017 in my personal, spiritual, and physical well being. 

1/1/2017-Mike B

Wow its been awhile since I have wrote in here. So much has happened the past 2 weeks. I feel like I have been called to put it all into words.

To catch myself up a little bit with my dating life. I dated this guy Steve for 11 dates. Chemistry I don’t think was ever there. I liked that he had money and was established with having his own home. His house was so spotless that I am not sure I could of ever lived up to his expectations to the cleanliness he had. I hated that he was late and I always had to make the first move. I also didn't like that he was Greek Orthodox and would never be another religion. He  had canceled 3 dates we had planned which should of been huge red flags. In moving forward I shouldn't have to date someone for 2 months and him not commit. 

The following day after date 11 with Steve I went to Ashley and Kevin’s Ugly Sweater/Christmas Party/Bible study. I walk into the living room and arrive just in time for the gift exchange. I don’t bring a gift with me but I somehow end up being included. A single guy brings me a chair to sit down. I thought that was really sweet of him. We chat a little while we do the exchange. And seemed to hit it off instantly. We sit down to play some euchre and Mikes brother in law Mike asks how the guy is that I am dating meaning Steve. It definitely set me off guard since I was curious about Mike. He intrigued me. I had no idea why. He brought me a chair, how can this excite me so much? As the night went on he just kept asking anything and everything about me. Come to find out that he moved to Florida 3 months ago for a teaching job. What perfect timing, right? Talk about caught off guard.I don’t think I have ever clicked as fast as I did with Mike.  But then of course now I am overthinking every little move. He could charm any women he wanted! As the night comes to a close Mike brings up to Lynette and I that we should go to the movies. I was exhausted and hesitated to come to the party at all since I got no sleep the night before because of my date with Steve. AKA Eleven. Mike nicknamed him since that’s how many dates he made it through with me. The movie pick was not something I would ever choose on my own. But I figured why not give this guy a shot. 37, good looking, social studies, English, and great american women's lit class teacher. He said that if I sit next to him in the movie he is going to get handsy. And I said don’t make it awkward. And he wasn't lying, he messed with me that whole movie lol. And we ended up kissing that night. He is inappropriate all the time, but I liked his charm and I have bought into it instantly. I didn't like that he was divorced. But he was nothing but open and honest about the divorce and everything else on his mind. We spent every night together since we met. Today I took him to the airport. Looking back I figured it would be a great time to reflect what I have learned the past 2 weeks. The first thing is needing an instant connection. No more 11 dates and still not feeling it. No more boring guys that don’t make me laugh. Laughter is important. And just because someone is divorced doesn’t mean that they are a bad person just maybe smarter now that they have experienced it. What I didn't like about him was when he told me he slept with a married women. That did make me lose some respect for him hearing that. But at the same time, don’t I want someone to be completely honest? He hasn't really kept a job and has been poor his whole life. He has a passion to write books and produce movies. Those are both on his new years resolutions list as well as running a marathon. Although I haven't wrote in while he inspired me to get back into it. Today before we went to the airport he had to clean out his old mobile home. It looked ran down for sure. I couldn't help but think of all the pain he had felt living in that home when his wife was having the affair. I also hate the fact he is living in Florida and is not sure if he will ever come back to Michigan. Teaching jobs are very unstable. This concerns me because I want to have a family someday and want to have set incomes.He is also very messy. His best friend is a women and he still talks to all of his exs except his ex wife Alisa. I know my jealousy would kick in real quick with him talking to other women. I also didn't like the comment of him saying he kissed someone who had a boyfriend. And talking about his old bosses dress riding up. Sometimes being inappropriate is a little much for me. 

I love how attracted to him that I am. I loved our immediate spark. I love the way he prayed with me on our way to the airport. I loved going to church together and how he talked to me about my self worth. How being with the right match is so important. And that he wants me to date other guys to see if they have what he may not or if that guy makes me realize how much I want Mike in my life. I love how he gets along with anyone. Always the life of the party. I love how he is close with his family even though he acts like he hates them. I love that he has a passion to write, produce movies, and run a marathon. 

I worry about the money and job situation. I worry about moving down to Florida. I worry if he is still in love with his ex wife. I wonder if he is ready to settle down or loves living the single life. To me I just don’t feel he is ready for a relationship but is just now getting his identity back. I am not sure what to think of everything that went on with him the past 2 weeks. He said that I could come visit him next month but at this point I am waiting  for him to pursue me. God will not steer us wrong. I will pray for guidance as to how to handle this now. I am feeling so sleep deprived. I am not sure it has sunk in yet that he is gone. I was living a fairy tale life and it just wasn't reality. I am going to continue to pray and blog and wait for him to pursue me and see what happens. He still wants me to date other men to keep my options open but I am struggling because I really like this man. But is that what God wants for me? Its time to let go and let God have the control. 

Update on new friends and online dating details

10/16/16

Sunday evening and I just finished wrapping things up to prepare for a busy week. Just thought I would take a few minutes to write about my weekend and whats been going on in my life. Friday night I went with Lynette to a women's group and we talked about self-control. After that we went to her family group where I saw Ashley and Angie and there family. They are ALWAYS so welcoming and never let me leave without taking food home. They are having a Halloween party coming up and I just cant wait to get to know this family more!

Saturday I went and watched Koen play flag football. He loves it SO much I never want the games to end. Next year he will start tackling. I then went to my church service then with Lynette to check out there church. I really enjoyed myself.

Today I worked at Koney then went to meijer, meal prepped, cleaned a little, and worked HF almost 3 hours. The smoked sausage and spinach soup turned out great as well as the crack chicken. I also decided that I want to be a mermaid for Halloween this year. I’m excited to go to Mike’s house for there Halloween party and then to Lindsey and Chelsea’s as well! My friends are amazing and I am not sure where I would be today without there love and support all the time! My heart is so full when I am around other Christians. Its all I really want to be around now. I feel like they only bring me up and help me grow and that is what I want!

I am on POF, eharmony, and match right now. I am trying not to contact guys as much, but I am still trying too, if they peak my interest. There is no one I am consistently talking too right now. I know in time I will get a good date. I want a GREAT date! I am going to make sure I ask all the questions I have and talk on the phone before making the decision to go out and meet this person. My heart is still broken up about getting dumped 3 weeks ago today. Dating is so hard on the heart, but I haven't wanted to give up on it for a second. I know God is just preparing me for what is yet to come. I am very hopeful and excited for what he has planned. I am happy with my life right now and staying super busy with fun things, it only gets crazier around the holidays. I am going to say my prayers and get some sleep.

5 Positive Things About My Future

Lynette's Advice

1. Your going to meet goals

2. Your going to make amazing memories with friends

3. Your going to grow into a stronger more confident person than you already are.

4. There are many surprises and possibilities around every corner.

5 God has promised to never abandon you into loneliness

The struggle of finding someone and letting go of the past

Its been 2 weeks since Dave cut ties with me. I had time to think about why we weren't right for each other. I think that the only reason we survived is because we were physical and then without it we didn't really have any chemistry at all. I was feeling very at peace with the situation until CJ from group told me he saw Dave and Sarah at Starbucks getting coffee. This hurt my feelings so bad. Like it made me feel like he left me for her and she is in no way attractive at all. But maybe they just share a friendship and he realized he wanted that back. I want to avoid Howell and Brighton so I don’t have to ever see him again. At least not for a few months until I feel healed about this. Right now I am very sensitive about him. We women always look into things way to much. Bottom line is that he is no longer in my life. He had 3 strikes and he is out. So whats happening now has nothing to do with me. But when relationships end I tend to look at other past relationships and why they didn't survive. I was decluttering yesterday and went through all my love letters and such that my ex gave me and made for me. It made me realize that when I compared Dave and Matt they didn't really compare. For one Dave never would commit to being in a relationship or change his Facebook status. Is that all I was worth, some secret? Who wouldn't want to let everyone know he was proud and excited to be with me? He never told me he loved me but I couldn't say the same either. Matt was a sweet man. I loved him and always will. We broke up August 30, 2015. He poured his heart out in the cards he surprised me with. I just can’t let them go. I haven't even thought about him until yesterday and got the courage to get out all of the stuff he made for me. He blocked me from Facebook I am assuming to help him get over me. Tracey let me look him up on her phone. He is in a relationship now. She is so pretty and has a little boy. They have been together according to fb since February and she worked at Lady Jane's Hair place so I bet that is how they met. She just enrolled into School craft to go back to become a nurse. I was super excited but sad all at the same time! He deserves all the happiness in the world and I hope she gives that to him! I think I am only sad because I will always love him dearly and I think its because I don’t have anyone right now. I think that is normal to want to lean on and get confidence from the ones who did love us. I am hoping very soon I will be introduced to someone new and it will be my husband. Dating is exhausting. I will keep the prayers coming that God will reveal him to me soon. I have so much faith that things will start to finally happen for me. I just can’t wait to see what my future holds. If its anything like how Matt was in love with me then I will be the happiest women ever.

You can have 2 great people just not great for each other

Wow its crazy I only really blog if I am going through a struggle in my life. For me I consider it therapy. Dave broke up with me on Sunday morning. It was the day after I thought we had a great time at Chelsea and Joe’s wedding. It explains why he wanted to leave at 9:30 pm and I am glad I settled for 11 pm. He showed up at 8:30 am Sunday morning to let me know he needed to talk. And that he just didn't feel the spark anymore and didn't love me. And that I need someone who will be excited to see me because I deserve that. I started crying a little in shock. I went out of my way to meet this mans needs the whole relationship. I appreciated him telling me instead of dragging it out though. I honestly never could really say I loved him. I had hope that I would marry him though. That explains why he never told me he loved me. He never even wanted to put it on Facebook as in a relationship. Why didn't I see that as a red flag? Did I really want to be with someone who wasn't even proud to put us out there as together? Is that all I thought that I deserved? I understand people like to be private about things but it wasn't a few dates. This was over 4 1/2 months. It took pulling teeth to get him to remove the single status and to just not have any status posted. 

But every relationship is a learning experience so I thought why not now post the good and bad things I experienced from this one. That way if I ever look back it will remind me for what I do and do not want for my future relationships.

Positives

Super genuine

Always opened the door for me

Always a good listener

Close with family

Christ follower

Wanted kids and great with them

We went to the same church

Taught me boundaries to date how God would want us too(most of the time)

Working on an education

Called me 3 times a day

He always paid for me when we went out on a date

Taught me to be stronger in my faith-no sleepovers, hug and peck kiss only

Encouraged me with my weight loss and while on WHOLE30

Prayed before any meal or whenever I requested him too

Best family ever. ;-(

Negatives

the women he had as a friend and wanted to go to the conference with

the leaving me for another women after our first date

then ignoring me for a whole month with no explanation

not making our relationship official on fb or in person

not making time to see me towards the end

never told me how he felt about me besides I was beautiful

never no love notes, cards, or flowers

Didn't say I love you after 4.5 months

still lived with his parents

financial debt

he didn't own anything

didn't enjoy sports

didn't workout besides bike riding and disc golf

he didn't really like either life group

stopped volunteering, going to his mens group, mentors place, rarely church services

bad breath

school and work took up a ton of time

I’m ready to say “I love you”

Here I am Sunday evening. Trying to get all these deep thoughts out through writing, in hopes it eases my mind. Friday night Dave and I went to the Blues Festival and had an amazing time. But we ran into his friend Sarah. They used to hang out before we met but never dated or anything. She asked him to go to this conference about buying homes since he had read the book before. He told her yes without asking me first. I didn't think that was right at all. It is never okay to be one on one with another women when you are dating someone. I blew up about it and he decided he wasn't going to go. This made me happy that he cared about my feelings but at the same time like I was controlling his life. The few ladies I talked about this with told me I did the right thing with confronting him about my feelings on it. We hung out at my place after we went to the festival and it felt so great being close to him. We had met for the first time back in March but didn't starting seeing each other exclusively until May 7th this year. I have had my walls up for awhile and slowly trying to take them down. Our relationship didn't start out great, he was dating me and another girl and decided to try pursuing her but then later told me God was sending him in a different direction meaning me. That’s how I took it anyways. So we ended our night with him arriving home safely, me letting him know that this year will be a tough one but I will do whatever it takes to get through this year. He is finishing up his last year of his computer science bachelor program. He also pretty much works full time hours. I said if there is anything I can do that he needs to let me know and I will honor that. 

Saturday morning rolls around and I call and text and don’t hear anything until after noon. All I can think in my head is, did he go to the conference? Is he mad at me for it? Am I losing him? Non stop thoughts until I get that phone call. I constantly worry. We had planned to go to church and hang out after, like we do every week. He text me right before and says he may not make it to church and I asked him if I should go alone and come over after? He said sure. He was having car issues and spent all day working on that and I didn't get anything done. But while I was in church he text me. He said you said to tell you what I need right? He said I am just being honest I need tonight alone. The bad thoughts start racing. Did it have anything to do with last night and me getting upset about the Sarah thing? Or does he genuinely just need to get things done? I asked him if he was okay and he said “everything is okay” he just didn't feel well and was frustrated by the car situation. He said he is feeling worn down, a little sad, a little sick, and just feel like I need the time. I was super hurt. Like is he questioning our relationship? Or is he doing exactly as I said and to let me know what he needs? Luckily I went to church with Miki and we went to Spicers and Chilis and had a good time together.

Dave text me this morning to say good morning and ask how work was. I was really hoping he would ask to come over tonight since he canceled our plans yesterday but he didn't. I am over here going nuts asking myself when is he going to text me again? And how will I be able to sleep tonight if I don’t hear anything later tonight? And then it clicked. I love this man. Maybe this whole weekend was to show me that when I didn’t get to see him how bad I really want him in my life. Not temporarily but forever..I literally feel love sick. It hasn't even been 48 hours since I saw him last and I don’t know how to even make it through the next few hours. When will I see him again? Should I ask? Or does that make me too needy? I can’t tell him I love him because what if he doesn't feel the same way, then I will be crushed. I needed these thoughts on paper, I thought it would help get me through this night. I have had countless prayers this weekend over it already. I’m scared to lose this man. I want him to be in my life forever, I want it to be him, to be my best friend, husband, and father to our children one day. And all of him could be taken away so fast. I just can’t tell him yet, but I hope I can soon. I love you so much David. And one day hopefully before our wedding day you will be able to say the same.

Goodnight for now.

Sincerely,

Your very emotional girlfriend