The United States will cease to exist on May 1st 2027.

the slappening

alien comic

it’s still so wild to me that john mulaney is only 35 years old because whenever he tells stories about his childhood i can’t help but picture him in like the 1960s playing baseball and going to the malt shop and saying things like “why i oughta”

look inside yourself. what do you see. you should at least have a few lungs

becoming older than 10 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

today at work a man brought a pug in on a leash and that pug was so excited and happy to see me it was as if we were old friends who havent been in contact in 7 years i felt so loved in that moment

kinda sucks for Zelda that she went to three sacred springs and heard nothing whereas Link can roll up to any dinky old goddess statue and Hylia’s just like, “oh hey man, what’s good, got any orbs?”

just killed someone so hard on overwatch they sent me a friend request

i saw this post earlier about therapists and it reminded me of my old therapist paul, who in my opinion is one of the greatest men alive and who did not put up with my bullshit for even one second

anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk

and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something

paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.

i say, paul.

is that a nerf gun.

yeah, says paul.

i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.

he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?

and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–

a foam dart hits me in the leg.

i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.

i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.

no dart this time. okay. sweet.

so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it 

anyway i leave his office and the lady having the next appointment walks in and i hear what’s all over the floor? and paul very seriously says cognitive behavioral therapy tools.

attention to all dashcon attendees

someone urinated into the ballpit while it was empty and posted it in the tag

stay out of the ballpit

Stumbled across this in my FB memories, warmed my heart a bit <3

Originally posted on /r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

The real college experience

- Depression nap at noon - “I haven’t been to that class in 2 weeks lmao” - sometimes ya just see ppl crying and that’s okay - sometimes ya just see ppl napping and that’s okay - DOG DOG DOG DOG DOG SOMEONE IS WALKING THEIR DOG ON CAMPUS THIS IS NOT A DRILL - “Is it free?” - “will there be free food?” - profs walking in late, hungover in pajamas - profs saying the fuck word and the freshies being surprised - *prof walks in 15 minutes late* “y'all want some milk duds” - a second Depression nap - finding a lost temple in the middle of the campus gardens and using it as a study and napping spot - seriously why has no one else found this spot - accidentally getting locked into a building because you studied until 3am and you have to escape through a fire escape on the second floor - Hammock Squad™ - witnessing a mental breakdown at least once a semester - IHOP at 2am with the squad - having to throw away your favorite water bottle because it smells like the alcohol you drank that one time you almost died on homecoming week - the apartment 2 doors down is having a party and they saw you walking to get your mail and invited you and now you’re drunk and sitting on the floor with their dog - The Weed Smell - The First Crossfaded Experience - everyone’s gay - that one prof you become best friends with and ppl wonder if y'all are fuckin but in reality y'all are probably just chillin and watchin cowboy bebop or some shit

Fun Fact: your “weird” OC and “Tumblr nose” and  “bean mouth” and dot eyes or anime eyes or whatever are actually extremely cute. Certain art styles aren’t inherently “ugly” or “bad.”