jtaldrich
Certainly Unordinary
Creatively combining anxiety and self-doubt since 1965
309 posts
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Razinan KUTLUCAN BAĞCI
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It's been quite a year.
For everyone, yeah, I know. Well aware.
For most people I know - near and far, close friends and distant acquaintances - the year 2020 will go down as one of the most challenging, miserable years of their lives.
It's not been that way for me; somehow most things have turned out exceedingly well for me this year. Why? I believe that it's mostly because I've found the importance of gratitude in my life. Small joys have consistently become wonderful parts of my life.
That said, lately I've been dealing with some personal issues that have kept me, well, less than I could be is the best way to put it, and those issues go back to a lifelong battle with anxiety and panic attacks.
The good news is that a serious panic attack no longer leads to depression (or, back to the time when the ex could torture me, promises of many more serious panic attacks to come). Whatever the issue, whether it's a chemical imbalance or strictly psychology-related, I know that I can get past it. I can, it's just that there's no path to follow, no guide on how to fix me in particular. But I'm learning.
Much of what I have learned over time works - meditation and the freedom I have from a different perspective of the world. There's no miracle cure; I'm certainly much better but I do still struggle at times. I still don't handle instability very well, but I have to just look at things from a different perspective.
The way I feel these days - even when days are not going great - I can cope. It's all just yet another transition into the next step of becoming The Best Me.
I hope 2021 leads everyone on their own path of self discovery and we realize that we thrive together with love.
Morning on the farm.
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It's been an extraordinary year.
Extraordinarily bad for many people, extraordinarily good for me.
Much has come into focus this year; I know I see the world in a much different way now. It's helped me deal with what I've gone through in my life and put it all in better perspective, including how I feel about my ex. (And since this seems to be the only place I write anything about the ex, it'll reside here.)
As I've found peace, I see others now as reflections of myself. The ex reflects everything dark and angry and hurtful inside me. Given the sheer amount of pain she has caused, she may be the only person I cannot find love for in my heart - but I cannot help but feel so incredibly sorry for her.
What she put me through came very close to killing me. Very close.
It's taken several years to bring myself back to the point where I recognize myself again, and I know the scars I bear are far too deep to ever heal completely. I'm a strong man - to have lived my life and not be dead or locked in a psych ward today is proof of that - but I'll never be whole again, at least in the way I knew.
And yet the pain and torture I suffered did not and could not begin to compare to what she went through as a child. Only the deepest of undying pain could possibly cause someone to do the things she did (and still does, I'm sure) with no regard for her or anyone else's life.
I am truly sorry she had to go through what she went through as a child. No one - no one - deserves that. It's heartbreaking.
No, it doesn't excuse her adult conduct; a rapist is no less a rapist if it's learned behavior. I want nothing remotely close to her ugliness anywhere near my life - for the rest of my life.
There's no room in my life for darkness now. I pity her; it's really the only feeling I have towards her any more.
And I feel extraordinarily good about that.
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It's something I still battle, but having trusted my gut more and more this year, my life is so much better. I still have a very difficult time trusting others, but I'm getting better at trusting myself.
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A couple of days ago I realized that my 'divorceaversary' - the day my divorce was final - had passed a week or two earlier. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what the date was and not 100% sure how many years it's been (four, I'm pretty sure).
It was a big deal to me - noting that day - the first couple of years after it was over, somewhat less last year and then this year it didn't even register.
I take that as a very good thing. It took time - far too much time IMHO, but iiwii - to recover from what I had been through. Given where I was - physically, emotionally, mentally, financially - to be where I am today, well, it's been work.
After so many years of having my life wrapped into the ex's, having a different identity and, tbh, personality...it took time to remember who I really am. The things that matter to me.
Today, I live very comfortably in a beautiful home, with peace, quiet and nature outside my door and inside as well. I've added wonderful friends into my life, people who both appreciate me for who I am and respect me completely. I've removed people from my life - some permanently, some just to a degree - when they repeatedly pull me down.
I work full time at a job that gives me self respect, good pay and the opportunity to work from my beautiful home. I work a second job - just Saturdays - not because I need the money but because I love both working there and the people I work with and it gives me the opportunity to interact with more people face-to-face.
I'm nearing my weight loss goal of 179 (currently 184), a weight I haven't seen for 30+ years and 100 pounds off my all time high of 280. Sure, I have a few health issues - I am 55, after all - but overall in excellent shape for my age.
I am happily single - truly happy - but still keep an eye out for The Right One. Mental health is good and stable, with solid self esteem and depression-free, with work continuing on my improving panic attack issues. Financially, my bills are all paid on time with plenty for savings and for fun.
It's been a journey to reach where I am now. For too long, it was a mix of a little good and a whole lotta bad, but over the course of 2020 life has become a whole lotta good and very little bad.
And I have future plans - realistic, achievable goals that will take me to what I'm calling my 'working retirement', off to a place where I know I belong. And plans beyond that.
I'm grateful - for everything I have in my life today and for how far I've come. That gratitude has been instrumental in reaching my goals and in bringing even more positive vibes.
And yeah, I'm grateful - really, truly grateful - that my divorcaversary doesn't mean anything to me any more.
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I moved six weeks ago searching for peace and couldn't ask for anything more perfect. Filled with pride at how far I've come, filled with gratitude for all I have, filled with love for those not doing as well.
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Sometimes I need a kick in the pants to start moving, but once I do I'm unstoppable!
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How to Avoid Over-Thinking
1. When you feel bogged down and you can’t clear your mind, do something physical or get some exercise.
2. Set a time limit for your “thinking time” then make yourself move on to doing something else.
3. Interrupt the thinking process or distract yourself by diverting your attention onto something very different.
4. Stop discussing what concerns you with everyone you meet as you’ll just end up confused, and you won’t know what to do.
5. Accept that uncertainty is part of this life, and we don’t have all the facts, or know what’s further down the road.
6. Throw yourself into a project, a hobby or some work. That will force you to refocus on something else instead.
7. Let your mind go blank and just relax for a while. It will help you see more clearly when you start to think, next time.
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Self-sabotaging behavior
I wasn't ready for love recently - when it was handed to me on a silver platter - and I don't believe I am right now. Maybe soon. Yeah, definitely soon. Hopefully soon.
Over the past two and a half years, I first found myself in a relationship I had no business being in; I knew I would never fall in love with her and never should have dated her, no matter how wonderful she may be. We're now friends - better friends than we were a couple - and I hope we will always will be.
Then, recently, I stumbled upon someone special, someone who seemed to be an absolute perfect match for me.... and I knew, just a few dates in, that I could fall in love with this woman. And at the same moment...I was actually beginning to fall in love with her.
We talked about love. What it meant to us individually. What we had felt in our past loves and just how much pain we had gone through when those loves met horrible endings.
And I freaked out. I.... just absolutely, totally freaked out. I ended it, before it really ever had a chance to get going, not really wanting to but feeling like if I let it continue any further, I'd be in over my head. Unable to stop it if suddenly, unexpectedly, a red flag showed up. And that was unacceptable to me.
I'll likely never know if I missed out on the greatest love of my life - or dodged a bullet. I'm afraid it was the first, so I've told myself negative, petty things about her to try to convince myself it was the second.
I've spent time since then telling myself I'll never be able to open my heart to anyone again - if I couldn't let her in, how could anyone ever get past the stone walls I've built around my heart? I've tried convincing myself that being alone is best for me. I've made excuses - the ex destroyed me, I'm not who I think I should be at this point, I'm too broken.
But I know that the ex is years in the past and I've learned from what I went through; I know that it's not my current situation that defines me; and I know the woman I was beginning to fall for is broken too but still strong enough to take care of an extended family, have a career and open herself to the possibility of love.
So the best I can do - the only thing I can do, really - is admit that while I wasn't ready then, and maybe not now, I have to consider the possibility of falling in love again. It could happen.
Maybe
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2019? Seriously?
I remember as a kid thinking about the year 2000.
What will I be like at age 35? What will the world be like?
And after 2000? I was smart enough to understand that I'd likely live to the 2020s or 2030s. That distant future didn't seem real.
It still does, even as I approach the ripe old age of 54.
I'm finally doing what I was meant to do. I finally know who I am again. Daily - or as close to daily as life allows - I make progress towards the life I'd like to live for my last couple decades on this Earth.
The past year was a learning experience, one I needed to learn. There were plenty of negative things that I dealt with, some better than others. But at the end of the day, I actually did learn my lessons, and that in itself is progress.
The areas of my life that haven't seemingly seen much progress - my personal relationships with people, in particular - are, in reflection, an area of serious progress.
I may not be able to say that I'm in a long term relationship, I may not be able to say that I'm any closer to my family.
But the progress comes in learning and understanding that that stuff - it's ok. I mean, really ok. I can live a life of real meaning without those people involved.
Would life be better with my sons and other family as part of it? I know it would. Would I be happier with a serious relationship? With the right person, sure.
But having everything that pleases me isn't real life; God believes that I need to learn to be comfortable with myself instead, and let's face it, He knows better than me.
So I get up every morning, stretch into the me that I want to show the world each day, and I write. For me, for others, for a paycheck, for the future.
'Cause that damn future gets closer and closer every single day.
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