Don’t give up.

Today is race day. Today I will be persevering off the bike though. I've been very sad the last 24 hours. Being in this sadness has shown me the real value behind what I have learned about the strength, courage, and determination of my spirit. I will put that joy, pleasure of giving my best effort, and perseverance into moving again today.

I have found the strength of my spirit in the journey. Making consistent small choices over time have brought me here. I'm sad I'm not competing today, but without a doubt I met my goal. Today, I understand that the goal I set six months ago was truly to keep fighting. To keep going, and give my best. I can see now how it helped me through the sleepless nights and health problems that went on for months without answers, and losses that felt overwhelming. Choosing myself and pushing forward, not giving up, is the real reward. I have dug deep and I am becoming my own biggest fan.  I've caught myself saying these words to myself out loud when I've felt my reserve is empty, "You got this!! Keep going. You're almost there! Don't give up!".

Joy Bombs

Just about every day I take a walk in the middle of the day to step away from my work, meditate, and appreciate life from outside building walls. My path is the same and it takes me through a park to a pond. Yesterday, I saw a familiar scene, a child bounding across the wide length of the park to the shiny red playground at the other end. The posture of these toddlers is usually the same but the sounds coming out of them can vary, words, shrieks of happiness and joy, singing, sometimes mixed with a "hi/hello!" aimed at me. Sometimes their eyes are closed and their head is tilted back while they feel the wind at their face. Sometimes their eyes are on their feet because they cannot believe how fast they're running and they wonder if really deep down they're a super-hero too, and "gosh, does anyone else see this?!". They bring tears to my eyes.

What is equally consistent in these scenes is the parent/grandparent/guardian who is about 120-150 feet behind them usually walking with a half to full smile, and let's be real, sometimes they look utterly exhausted, but they made it here. This person is usually carrying equipment of sorts, lunch, a chair, diaper bag, stroller, another kid.

These simple and beautiful reminders ask me "what am I running towards? Heck, am I even running at all?" What's interesting is that I heard myself say again recently to a friend "We don't start out like this". We don't. We don't start out as exhausted, uptight, gloomy, resigned, withdrawn zombies. We don't. Thankfully, although we may act like it at times, I believe the child inside is always there.

In this scene, there are always the two roles, the windblown howling joy-bomb, and the adult carrying everything to make the next few hours a continuation of the experience for the little one. Don't get me wrong, I do see the joy in the adults, their joy (a lot of the time) is in the one whom their attention is fixed.

This morning I thought about how beautiful this is. I wonder if we forget that growing up can be about becoming more, and we don’t need to accept the thought that it is becoming less. We are the child, and we are the adult. There may be moments where we feel more of one than the other, but when we want to be more the child, maybe a simple thought of God as the care-giver, happily carrying the weight of what it takes to make our days happen, is more than enough to allow our howling joy-bomb selves to run to whatever our playground is.

*Disclaimer: I thought it important to say I don’t have any children!.....yet. Thanks for hearing my thoughts, parents.

Seabiscuit

I've come a long way but I still catch myself thinking I need to figure things out, perform, project, etc. Working through my approval/validation issues and how I look for these things, is really good and really uncomfortable (let me know if you ever get "there"). I am becoming less afraid of the mirrors I create that stare back at me and show me truer things about myself. They can just be, without being covered up and re-worked beyond recognition. I can look at these parts of myself and think "ehhhhhhhh, shit. yeppp...i was totally trying to prove myself again in how I interacted with that person, or my purpose behind that post, or why am I so emotionally wrapped up in this person's response or what I perceive as rejection, when I don't respect or trust this person anyways?”. Somehow I feel shame is connected. All it takes is a litttttttttle bit and I feel like the gate drops and Seabiscuit goes. I start to overthink. My mind is literally running but my body is nowhere near catching up. I want to cover my tracks, pretend everything is alright...but. but...like today, I eventually arrived to reason. Most of the time, reaching out and connecting with someone I trust and I know who cares for me is my go-to response, but recently I am enjoying listening to myself more first and then deciding if that’s the action I want to take. Plus, that immediate connection with a friend isn't always available (or necessary), and I am learning to accept that too. I sure am thankful for those few people in my life who I know I can go to! Ugh. So much.

Nothing to gain. Nothing to lose. Everything to give.

I just woke up on my couch. I'm pleased it is still daytime. I'm still exhausted. You know how you can take chewed gum and pull it up apart yet it still stays in one piece? That is a good visual of how I feel lately. This awareness is good, and for the first time in a few years I can embrace this and know it's really good that I feel this way sometimes. This feeling of being stretched, emotionally and physically exhausted, doesn't have to mean something is wrong, it can just be what it is. What is different now than a few years ago, is I take this as a sign that I'm growing and changing. I'm allowing myself to see and live in new ways and see with new perspective, and I am truly engaged in my life and relationships the best I can.

Suffering, and suffering for love, has been my path of liberation..I don’t mean “making myself a victim again” suffering. When I say suffering, I'm referring to being fiercely present to all truth in my own heart and in my world. Being. Being fierce with reality and accepting it. Inevitably, there is shit inside and outside of me. I am just learning to make friends with it. Precious treasures have been discovered in the darkest places in my heart and life, where before I would run away or ignore it, because it was uncomfortable.

Fear sucks. I know, because I was married to it from my earliest memories. Now I can talk about fear, and it doesn’t feel like a friend, a person, attachment, leech, or something or someone. It doesn’t need an identity for me. Even saying the word "fear" long ago might make some part of me get queezy and a little sweaty. But it doesn't feel that way now because those feelings don't control my life anymore. In turn, I don't fear the anxiety or fear or keep that cycle going. I am so grateful for this understanding. I think this is why it has been so important for me to make friends with what I feel and all parts of myself, because I need to understand what I feel, what I need, what happened, what's true, if I am going to continue to grow and change. Thankfully, I've walked alongside a couple people over these last few years who were absolute mirrors of Love, and who in being so, showed me it's possible to trust again and feel safe. I bloomed, and I still am.

My journey inward is my journey outward and vice versa. In understanding I can accept. In acceptance I can be present. In presence I am aware, and from here I can see things as they are and evaluate what is valuable and what choices are either encouraging my blooming or not. I can let go. That's a wonderful realization, because we are not meant to be a harbinger of every single message and thing our society, family, culture, etc..expect us to. Letting go. I could talk so long about it! It's so good.

I've realized I have Nothing to Lose. Nothing to Gain. And Everything to Give. This is freedom. I have found something more valuable and precious than anything I will find again, and it's closer than I know. It is me, and it is Love. This does not mean I don't still want a family someday, to travel the world, or continue to challenge my old beliefs and values and continue to grow as a person. This newness is a realization that creates in me the exact opposite responses of feeling hopelessness or resignation, it is liberation...freedom. From this place, as I am, I can be. Every single day is the greatest day ever, because it is the only day I have. I am free to explore and be love because my worth and values are not tied up in something I am not. My values, habits, work, relationships, will change over my life, but they don't make me who or what I am.

for all to see

I've decided to follow my heart and start sharing via social media again. I did recently start posting some pictures of my paintings on instagram (yeah that passion and ability burst out of me last year). Although I vanished from your screens a couple years ago, I’m still kickin’. Now feels like the time to share what and how I can with you who I don't have the privilege of connecting with face to face. It would be so awesome to sit down and have some coffee or food with you and catch up at my favorite coffee spot by my apartment on the shore of Lake Michigan. Who knows, maybe we will one day.

I won't even attempt to try to fit everything from these past few years into one post, or even 100. It’s impossible and I really wouldn’t enjoy it. I'm just following my flow. I don't really have an agenda, but if I did, it sure as heck wouldn't be to try to ram a bunch of information down your throat or convince you of anything. I guess I feel it's important for me to be vulnerable even through writing on my blog again.

I get these phrases and ideas that pop in my head throughout the day. I always have sticky notes near me at work, so I write my thoughts down, unzip the front pocket of my backpack and store them there until I can't open it without my inspiration falling out on the floor for anyone in public to pick up and read. I've had to clear out that front pocket a few times and pile them on my dresser so they can fall off my dresser too.

For the time being, I will write, journal, process, spew, whatever it might be to you, here on my blog :).... Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. I'll definitely take a peek and respond.

- Peace

beautiful things come from the dark. everything is birthed from here, yet we are a destined to go further and be something more. we are born with traits, just not developed. the innate yearn and ache to feel complete drives us towards something more. scars and wrinkles mark the turns and pauses on our journey. we tend to live for the moments where we feel almost outside of ourself. in the moment it doesn’t feel like escape, more so how our world is meant to be. it’s not until we feel buried inside again that we confuse these unnatural thrills as escapes. pretty soon we identify the “real world” as a natural letdown, as if we’re trapped here and if we could just get out and re-write, organize, identify with anything we don’t already know and just be something no one has (detach from humanity and it’s identity as a whole) we might finally have what we’re missing..because let’s face it, everything else has let us down already. as long as we feel “owed” anything and everything we want we will be unhappy…no one and nothing will ever live up to our expectations. have you forgotten the holistic moments you now live more and more for that can’t be measured in money or time, that are unexpected, that require more than you, and that are really out of your own control? so is the natural more than what you can predict, buy, control, taste, touch, and hold? if not, than why do all of these things not matter when we finally feel okay, complete, and satisfied in our soul? isn’t this natural? we can run our whole lives thinking if we can just get somewhere we’ll finally be happy. where are the runners who feel it’s all they’ve done but looking back realize they’ve truly gone no where and that they’ve done it all alone? i was a runner tired of running, lacking in being. i didn’t just want to feel sometimes, i wanted to do from my being, not my feelings. those were unsteady and unpredictable. i thought it was more important to get to the answer than to appreciate the path it takes to get there. i hurt people. watched good things continue on their way without even realizing it. my encouragement is this. don’t miss what your Heavenly Father whispers to you. allow yourself to feel again. don’t feel like the “looks in the mirror” are bad things. share your thoughts and pains. they may feel like a burden to you now but may very well be words of comfort to someone going through the same things. in return, comfort for you.

joshua paul kay

HereAfter

Josh Kay

By, Chanju Mwanza and Lorna Miri

Photo credit: Amy Lynn Photography

Josh Kay is an up and coming artist who aspires to create music and lyrics that many people will enjoy. Over the past year, he has been gaining recognition over youtube as more and more people realise his talent and begin to love his style. His songs like ‘World Within,’ branch out from the typical songs of his genre; With his witty and catchy hooks it is clear that one day he will become more than the mere online musician.

 “Heaviness will never get lighter, but we can learn how to lift.” - Joshua Paul Kay

How would you describe your songs?

Honest.

What would you say inspires most of your songs?

Definitely girls; and I feel like that will always be a big one for me. There’s been some new inspiration with these new songs I’m working on though.

What is the greatest thing a fan has ever done for you?

Given me a chance. Taken time out of his/her day to hear what I’m singing about and this one time someone gave me a painting they made for me with an inspirational quote on it that said “Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.” - Christian D. Larson.

Do you feel a song has to be about love to be great? 

No. Absolutely not. 

You recently released your new music video for ‘World Within.’ Who inspired this song? 

Feels like so long ago already! Anyways, I wrote it for an ex-girlfriend of mine. Sad thing is; she never heard it until after our breakup. 

Do you think anything could ever be more important to you than making music?

Definitely. Music just happens to be something that reaches out. Music changes people. I feel blessed I can engage in something I’m most passionate about that reaches out, and at times, helps people along. My biggest passion.

You did some modelling for Jawbreaking’s new collection; do you think modelling is something you would like to pursue as well as music? 

Right now, no. I do have fun when I model though! It’s a great outlet and I’m a fan of expression.

‘Sometimes the unexpected pushes us ahead. Sometimes it’s exactly what we needed.’ A quote from yourself; have there been any major obstacles related to your music?

For someone like myself and I feel like for the majority of artists, every day is an obstacle. We’re our own bosses and we’re fighting just to get our voice out there, just to feel alright. Major? Yeah. Like right now. I know what I need to do to get out on the road, tour, play music, and meet my fans and new fans face to face. I crave it every day, but that takes thousands of dollars. Money is always the biggest obstacle. 

How do you overcome the ‘money’ problem?

Working jobs I don’t enjoy very much so I can support myself in what I really love! 

How do you think people initially reacted to your music?

“Here’s a twenty year old guy singing about his love life or lack thereof” I’m thinking people first judge if I have a good voice or not. Then compare my sound with another artist they’ve heard. Then they decide if I’m worth their time. If so, then try to get a feel for who I am and my personality. 

What have you been doing to get your music out there?

I’ve just been tucked away. Feeling a little like what I imagine an author feels like when they want to dedicate themselves to a new work. A lot of soul-searching. Figuring out who the new me is shaping to be and how I’m going to show that to people. I’ve also been singing as I can to try and get my tender voice back in shape.

Would you prefer to be signed, or continue to work as an individual artist, with full creative control?

I will always need/have creative control. If someday the right person or people believe in what I do and want to support me, I’ll talk with them!

What has been your best musical experience to date?

There’s been so many fun shows and some neat experiences, but my mind is going to the days on tour with bandmates. Being completely broke. Driving through the nights. Breaking down. Washing our hair in sinks. Eating dry ramen noodles. Sleeping in the van. Those experiences sucked at the time, but now I think they’re the best memories. 

What are your aspirations for the future?

Record an EP. Get my butt out on the road and play music again! I really want to meet these people I’ve made friendships with along the way through Facebook, twitter, YouTube, and MySpace back in the day and make new friends. I want to hear their stories, from them.  I just want to travel, be goofy, and have fun. Be me. I want people to know if someone like me can, so can they.

You can check out more from Josh Kay on his Facebook, MySpace and web pages:

http://www.facebook.com/joshkaymusic

http://www.myspace.com/joshkaymusic

http://www.joshuapaulkay.com/

I learned from an early age, as most of us do, that we work for what we want. I fell in love with something and wanted to be good at it. The best. That's normal right? Of course. We're asked from as early as we can remember. "What do you want to be/do when you grow up?" So that's exactly what I set out to find. Now I'm not going to rattle off some list of big accomplishments or big disappointments . I never did those things so I could push them in people's faces anyways. I was doing those things, and those things were taking me to things, and those things took me to places, and those places and things became part of me. It felt like it was never enough. Whether I realized it or not, I wasn't just becoming "Josh Kay" a singer/songwriter. Or athlete. Or farmer. Or backyard astronomer. etc..etc.. I was/am becoming a person with feelings and decisions myself and other people would live with. Feelings that can be stripped away by someone I don't even know or someone I completely trust with all my heart. I was growing up, but I was only doing best to become "something", and it took hurt. Heartache. Failed plans. What i saw as " completely unfair" when I was all but deserving in my own eyes and maybe the rest of the world's eyes, to get my first taste of LIFE. Like a noob of a chemist mixing chemicals, i was learning the same way with feelings and decisions. Even if my parents would have asked me instead, "Who do you want be when you grow up?". I would have probably said some hero who went out with little supplies to conquer evil and save the world (I still want to do that :p). Hopefully we all reach a place in our lives where the question "Who do I want to BE?" means something different and so much more. For a while I thought I'd "lost" the better of the year 2010 and some of 2011. I was very bitter on the inside. Bitter towards people I wanted to point my finger at and say "You've done me wrong!! What did I do to you?!" Bitter towards my ex I left. Angry at God. I dove into my music again and anything I could. Too often letting that bitterness and unrest I felt fuel my drive. selfish. I thought it was my time now. They kept me from it. I deserve so much more. selfish. It was the only way I was planning on making any kind of sense out of my life. Up until a year ago or so I'd lay wide awake at night as if maybe I could collect a bunch of things and thoughts that are already there, arrange them in a way no one has before and voila'! Everything would make sense. Now I know who I am!  Now i'm smart! That's a lie. What I didn't realize was that wouldn't give me any kind of peace or resolution. The good news is we each have a unique purpose towards accomplishing GOOD. I believe that 100%. I've seen and continue to see people walk in their own purposes. I've been learning more every day that understanding is the footprint of the one whose walked. If we let ourselves realize what we need for the first step of our goal or dream is right in front of us, no one is going to take the step for us, and if we don't constantly focus on how huge the task seems, we will get there. Life is all about the journey and thinkers don't do wonderful things and become great people. Thinkers with the guts to do something and the WILL TO OVERCOME DO. I was taking myself down from a level to realize we all live in the same fish tank and there's only so much water, food, and room that can circulate through it. Our world hurts, real bad, and my soul wanted out of the fish tank. I didn't want to have to find a way to convince myself again that I should be happy now. I just wanted to be happy. We hear the word "LOVE" ALL THE TIME! I used to always want it, to feel it in a special relationship I could share with a partner kind of way though. At first, I was just learning how to date. Whether I realized it or not I was just learning how to give up some of my time to someone I cared about. A little further on I was learning how to share my time with someone i REALLY cared about, and of course there were heavy doses of "butterflies" mixed in ;)...I was on the right track. Giving up/sacrificing yourself for the better of a someone else is just the very beginning of what I believe love means. It's learning how to love yourself, and at times not being afraid to really stop, look in the mirror and ask yourself "who have I become?". It can be scary, but if you don't know how to love yourself first you can't truly love someone else.. I'm learning real love starts when the hurt sets in. Giving until it hurts. Love sees the needy. It breaks us, lifts us up and sets us free. It connects us. It isn't above anyone. It humbles the proud. It reminds me there are none better, but One who is greater. Love is so many more things and i'm learning I still have so much more to learn. I know without a doubt the best things in my life will happen in the fish tank. I just need to trust in Jesus and love like He does. - Josh

being "careless" is the wrong way to go about feeling "carefree". in being "careless" we run down a hill we'll eventually have to find our way back up again. "carefree" is the feeling you earn by sweating your way to the top.

joshua paul kay

heaviness will never get lighter, but we can learn how to lift.

joshua paul kay

i don't want to be afraid. i want to live. life has felt like it's winning at times, but i know it's a gift and times get tough..i used to not think twice and run with my heart, but i've learned with life there's heartbreaks and letdowns. i can't sit and wish i was someone else when through all of this i've been prepared for something more beautiful than i could understand before. something that will hold me over the heartbreaks and letdowns.

joshua paul kay

knowing and understanding are two different things. i can tell you it's a long road up the mountain, but you wouldn't understand until you've reached the top.

joshua paul kay

we usually only look far enough to find the things that make us feel comfortable and call it the truth

joshua paul kay

my heart has its own two feet.

joshua paul kay

if someone rushed in and saved you..over..and over again. would you ever forget them? it's easy to call it faith when i forget where i've been, but i know whats been most real in my life and i'm hoping maybe you can know a little bit of what i know is real life.

joshua paul kay

people say "it's easy for you to say"..then i think "if only they knew".

joshua paul kay

sometimes the unexpected pushes us ahead. sometimes it's exactly what we needed.

joshua paul kay