The trauma of knowing you is tattooed on my skin

I genuinely feel like a horrible person to be around right now, that I don’t even want to give anyone the option. I generally think I’m the bad option but right now it’s worse than ever because I don’t know what’s going to happen or why or what’s going to make me sick and anxious, and I literally can’t get a grasp on it or understand why. And more than anything I just want to isolate into my own safe space

dreamsoflovesongs:

wanna know what the problem is? i’m used to it, i’m used to being left out, i’m used to being there for everyone and no one being there for me, i’m used to being replaced, i’m used to being mistreated, i’m used to feeling unworthy because i am and there’s nothing i can do about it

So it’s the 2022 graduation season and this is the year I would have graduated college before life/ grief, my job, and money got in the way and my own learning problems and social anxiety proved more heavy than I originally thought. I’m trying to come up with ways to get back into it because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do for myself, it’s a major goal especially because I tend to think I’m rather dumb or not good at many things, and school is particularly hard for me. I just feel so worthless at it because I can’t even pass my prerequisite class for math so I technically haven’t even passed freshman year. I feel ridiculous because all of my friends are a little older than me, and they all have either graduated college or will be graduating next year. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself and the circumstances that put me here, and even more embarrassed of my learning difficulties. I’m worried my dad thinks that I’m a disappointment at 22 even though he’s very supportive. He always told me he wanted to graduate college but couldn’t because he just didn’t have the aptitude for school, and that it’s something he really wants to see me overcome/accomplish because he really believes in me. But the longer I struggle with college and making room for classes and my social anxiety the more that conversation changes to him understanding that college isn’t for everyone and that not everyone is built for it, which I understand is him trying to be supportive and helpful of the paths I choose in life, but it has me feeling even more like a disappointment.

Two of my cousins from opposite sides of the family have graduated and they’re both people who one makes me feel insecure because she just isn’t a nice person but the family fawns over her because she’s just so witty and beautiful and good with people, and the other has never been mean, but she doesn’t really talk to me and that side of the family makes a point to not talk to me or my family much, she’s thought of as extremely smart and charismatic as well, and my entire life it’s just been my family choosing both of them over me, especially the second cousin. We live in the same state 30 mins from eachother and the family would visit for even something like a dance recital but wouldn’t visit me for birthdays (our birthdays are close) or HS graduation, but would do all that and MUCH more for her. It just hurts because I see them all coming out to say how proud they are of her and how lovely it is that she has so many friends and I know if I was graduating I wouldn’t even hear a congrats from them, and it hurts. I’ve talked to my dad about this because the difference in treatment has upset him since I was a small child, and of course he listens and is very supportive, and has always respected my feelings as to not show more support than he would show me, or do something that would hurt my feelings which is hard for him to do since i don’t get jealous of his attention, just the rest of the family. He had wrote a card to her for graduation where he tells her how proud he is of her, and all of her college accomplishments like being on the deans list and the like. I feel so stupid and petty that it upsets me, not because of the accomplishments, because she rightfully deserves them and worked for them, and even I’m very happy for her, but because my dad is proud of her for something he’s always wanted me to accomplish and I struggle with it SO much, and it’s something I want more than anything in the world and I can’t even get past the first year. Let alone a high GPA or the deans list or any special clubs or universities, and it makes me sad because I know I’m gonna get to graduate one day, even if it takes me longer, but it’s never going to compare. And my family would never reach out to congratulate me or celebrate with me knowing how difficult something so simple as JUST graduating is, not even all the fancy stuff. Part of me is happy I’m not graduating at the same time as my cousins or friends or anything because I feel like soemthing that would be so very hard on me would pale in comparison to all the accomplishments they were able to make at college versus my being able to just barely graduate after 6-8 years at an Associates Degree, and all the family fawning over how proud and the hundreds of likes and comments would be compared to just my close friends and family congratulating me. I know I wouldn’t have as much of the family’s support because im not able to accomplish as much, and they don’t see how hard it is for me to just graduate. I know I would feel neglected and overlooked, and embarrassed that I hadn’t been able to do as much or earn as much of the praise even though I have to endure hell just to not even pass a class. I just hope I’m not looked at as a disappointment, or like I’m never going to do anything with myself or be really WORTH anything because I struggle with anxiety and people and just doing the bare minimum when I want to do SO much. It sucks because I really am my own worst enemy here, and I hope my ill parents are around to see me accomplish something that massive for me, even if it’s not as much as everyone else’s accomplishments because then I won’t have anyone to celebrate with or who will know how hard it was on me or to support me through it in the way that only they can because they (especially my dad) know what I’m going through with this kind of struggle.

I just hate feeling like everyone’s second choice. I feel like there are these in and out phases in my life where I’m just an afterthought to everyone around me, it’s almost like it highlights my other short comings and where I can scrape the bottom of the barrel and still be picked last, and unwanted.

So, here I am almost two years later, in bed dozing and scrolling through Twitter, feeling completely and utterly loved as my snoring girlfriend is passed out next to me from staying up too late watching Doctor Who and snuggling on the couch. I gotta say for as much as this is a vent blog, I also want to put this kind of happiness and love back into the world as well. Goodnight ♥️ 🌙

All I want is to feel fully loved by someone close to me before I drift off

And the ironic part is, for someone who regularly thinks their most felt emotion is loneliness, you’d think I’d be a little more okay with it by now.

Okay! Popping in for a hot sec to say:

I hate my office job being surround by old ass conservatives who don’t wanna talk to me and I have no one here within 30 years of my age and it makes me wanna die because there’s no one to even talk to or say “Hi” to in the morning and it’s ACTUALLY killing me and so draining for my mental health and I don’t have a whole lot of friends in the first place so it just adds onto the stress of that when I don’t even have people at work to talk to because I’m just in a tiny (cutely decorated 😌) room all day away from everyone and it’s just running me into the ground.

All that being said, who wants to be my friend 👋

Sometimes you never figure out why you’re sad. But sometimes you don’t need to, and it gets better on its own. This ghost is here for you no matter what your sadness is like. ♡

Cherry blossom sale | Positive Pin Club | Webtoon

some of y'all didnt grow up as the person nobody has a crush on and it really shows

So I was explaining some really persistent feelings of what I guess is called functionally suicidal(?) to a friend because, stuff gets tough you know, and while I know I’m not alone explaining it to someone is it’s own type of mental toll.

It wears on me, I want to talk about it, and yeah it helps, but just it makes the emotions feel more real instead of just something annoying me in the back of my head. It validates them in a way I’m not used to managing.

I’m 100% not a danger to myself, just sometimes I deal with left over feelings of depression. I can feel the residue, years later. I think I’ve recovered nicely, at least I hope so. I’ve really tried, and I’ve gotten rid of so many toxic people and I’ve really tried to release myself from the dependency I have on other people.

But it’s scary, you know? You aren’t sure if you’re doing the right thing because it doesn’t pay off right away. You just kinda....leap and hope. I logically know when I take that leap that it won’t kill me, and it’ll all be okay somehow. But... there’s that pressing fear that I have that I’m ruining my life, and that I can’t go back once I ruin it, even though I’m doing what’s best for myself.

I was depressed and so hurt and terrified for so long that it definitely still weighs on me years later. I’d really like to say I completely recovered, but I wouldn’t be writing this if that were true. While I’m doing so much better I still have left over baggage that creeps up on me, like, I’ll just kinda hope something kills me that day so I can just be done.

I don’t actually want to die. I have plenty of healthy people I’ve met on the road to getting better that make me feel loved everyday. Even on days like today when I’m not quite feeling it. I hate that even though I’ve been so lucky that the residue is still there and I still feel like this every now and then.

I just have that feeling of needing to free fall into nothing . I think I probably just lack enrichment in my life at the moment and that’s why I’m feeling like this.

I’ve talked to the most important people of my support system about what I’ve written here, but I feel like I needed to kinda ramble a bit to get the rest of this out of my system.

It’s scary, after coming back from such an awful depression and having to pick up the pieces and being almost scared of yourself. Even though I’ve gotten much better I’m always scared of a relapse, I was so miserable that I used to lay awake at night and try to will my heart to stop, and I never want to hurt like that again. I try to put in the work every day to help me not enable those feelings. I’m really proud of my progress. But I’m really scared of seeing my progress wasted, and I’m also scared of having all the progress pushed aside and revealing that the person who made all that progress, isn’t really me, and that I’m still the same sad hole of a person I was a few years ago but with what I call “life fillers”. I don’t wanna be that person. It’s been a while but, I’m just now finding hobbies and feeling more comfortable making friends and walking into stores alone and finding shows and music on my own that I like. I don’t want to lay awake at night wanting to die ever again, and I’m scared I’ll mess up and have to go through something that awful again and that I’ll loose everyone I’ve gained in the process. I want something, but I’m not sure what it is or what I’m craving. I used to get this feeling a lot and I still haven’t figured it out. It almost amplifies the bad feelings that are still left over. I just want to do one thing fun for a day or two with someone I love and not have to think for a bit and just worry about smiling like a goof. I love days like that again. A hug would also be awesome but maybe I’ll get one later this week I hope. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve had a hug and that makes me kinda sad, so I’ll definitely keep an eye out for someone I’d like to ask for a hug because I think that would go along way this week.

I have days when I feel very lonely, even after I went out with my friends.

Mostly I’m feeling lonely because I feel disconnected with ppl. I only want to talk with strangers or the ppl that I seldom converse with, because it feels lighter and less expectations.

It’s like a conversation without commitment.

Other days, I love being alone, I mean I enjoyed it. I love going out alone, watch movies alone, take myself out to eat alone. It’s far from sad, I think it’s brave.

All I want is to feel fully loved by someone close to me before I drift off

If you were ever in an abusive relationship, or if you think you might be in an abusive relationship right now, there are two things that you need to understand.

1. Being exposed to abuse for a long period of time will change the way you think, feel and behave. Over time, you’ll start to experience mental health problems and behavioral changes as a result of being abused. 

2. Developing behavioral and emotional problems as a result of being abused does not make you an abuser yourself. 

What am I talking about? If you’ve ever been in an unhealthy relationship, you might be familiar with one of the following scenarios:

Your partner is holding on to your arms and wrists to prevent you from leaving the room during an argument. You try to shove them off you, and they stumble and hurt themselves. Afterward, they claim that you are the physically abusive one in the relationship, because “you hurt them” and they’ve never hit you. 

Your partner has a history of cheating on you, or of having inappropriate boundaries with others. Recently, they’ve begun getting very close with a “friend” of their preferred gender, spending lots of one-on-one time with that person and constantly texting them. You tell your partner that this friendship is making you uncomfortable, and they accuse you of being controlling and jealous. 

Your partner constantly criticizes you, puts you down, mocks you, belittles you or picks fights with you, but always maintains a calm, collected demeanor. One day, after months of enduring this, the criticism finally becomes too much for you and you snap - you start yelling and crying. Your partner tells you that you are the emotionally abusive one, because they’ve never raised their voice at you. 

Your partner has made you feel so worthless and unattractive that you no longer feel like having sex, or engaging in any sexual activities. Your partner accuses you of intentionally withholding sex and affection to “punish” them.

You tell one of your mutual friends about something that your partner did, and they respond with concern, telling you that your partner mistreated you. When your partner finds out, they accuse you of being manipulative and making up stories to intentionally turn their friends against them, to leave them isolated. 

When your partner is angry with you, they tend to “punish” you by giving you the silent treatment, avoiding you, withholding affection, blocking you on social media, locking you out of the house, or behaving coldly to you. The dozenth time they try it, you become overwhelmed at the thought of being ignored for days, and you panic; you start to beg and plead with your partner not to do this, blowing up their phone and becoming increasingly desperate. They tell you that you are emotionally abusive and manipulative, because you won’t respect their “reasonable” request for space. 

Being constantly mistreated by your partner eventually causes you to sink into a deep depression, and you struggle to keep your job or do basic household tasks. Your partner calls you lazy, and implies that you are intentionally leeching off them financially. 

Your partner is an expert at being calm and charming whenever other people are around, even though they mistreat you in private. When your friends notice that you don’t seem like yourself lately and that you’re behaving strangely toward your partner, your partner tells them that you are paranoid and hysterical, and that you are trying to ruin their reputation on purpose. 

There’s been a lot more awareness of abusive relationships in recent years, and a lot less tolerance for abusive behaviour, which is a great thing. But it’s not just victims, survivors and concerned friends who are listening - abusers are listening too. And many of them have figured out that “making you feel like the abusive one” is the best tactic they could ever use to keep you from questioning their behaviour. 

Convincing a victim that they’re actually an aggressor is something that plays to an abuser’s greatest strengths - abusers excel at destroying their victims’ self-esteem, and twisting situations to make sure other people are always at fault. Telling someone “you’re an abusive person and no one else would ever put up with you” is a relatively easy way to make them believe that they have no other options outside the relationship; it makes them feel like they’re at fault for all the problems in the relationship, and even that they “owe” their abuser gratitude for dealing with them. Being abused completely tanks your self-esteem, and people with low self-esteem are very willing to believe that they are bad people who burden the ones they love. 

It doesn’t help that the media has painted a very specific image of what abused victims - particularly abused women - should look like. People who have been abused are expected to be frail, timid and weepy; anyone who doesn’t match that description may start to have serious doubts about whether they are a “real” victim or not. But in reality, being abused causes mental illness, and mental illness isn’t always pretty. People involved in long-term abuse situations may start having extreme mood swings, paranoia, random bouts of anger or crying, irritability, anxiety, issues concentrating, insomnia, chronic physical pains with no biological cause, and severe social withdrawal. That does not make them abusers themselves - it makes them people with serious side effects of their partner’s abuse. 

The idea that abuse is usually mutual, or that both parties tend to be at fault for abuse is a myth. Although there may be extremely rare instances where both people went into the relationship as abusers, in the vast majority of cases, even if no one in the relationship has great relationship skills, there is one abuser, and one person responding to the abuse. Saying “we abused each other” or “we both played a role” is a common tactic for abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, and to make victims feel responsible for their own abuse. 

If you’re really in deep in the relationship and you’re not sure whether your partner is right when they call you an abuser, the best thing to do is to think about how you were before the relationship, and how you were in previous relationships. In abusive relationships, victims feel less and less like themselves over time; they transform from a relatively happy, content person into a moody, anxious person that they barely even recognize. Abusers, on the other hand, feel more and more like themselves as the relationship goes on; once the initial honeymoon period is over, they feel increasingly comfortable busting out their cruel, controlling and entitled tendencies whenever they see fit. Victims may have had happy, healthy relationships before and after being with an abuser. Abusers, however, will have all of their relationships follow the exact same pattern over and over again. 

If you are turning into a person you don’t want to be because of an abusive relationship, the only way to fix it is to leave. There is no “dealing with it”, “sucking it up” or “trying to be better”. It’s a profoundly unhealthy situation to be in, and you will only become more unrecognizable as it goes on. Therapy is a good solution if you’re looking for someone to help you gather the strength to leave, but therapy to help you “be a better partner” or “react less” is not going to be helpful; trying to repair the effects of an abusive relationship while you’re still in it is like trying to treat someone’s peanut allergy while they keep putting Reese’s cups in their mouth. Reacting to someone else’s prolonged abuse does not make you a bad person, and you deserve better.