Three Years Later

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve written here...almost 3.5 years. Talk about getting caught up in life. I do wish I would have kept up with this for all of that time because it would have been extremely entertaining. So much bad and good has happened in the past 3 and something years but...all I can do is start this back up now. This will probably be a long one so buckle up...

I’ve come to find that (for me at least) it is nice to look back and remember how you felt right when a situation was happening. I have a terrible habit of looking back on experiences with rose colored glasses and it makes me want what is currently in my life to be more. When really, it is enough and actually pretty amazing. 

Since my last posting here I started dating. That should be enough information for you to know that I went through a lot. Dating in NYC is miserable. If anyone tells you they enjoy it you should automatically assume they are a liar. Maybe I’m being a bit negative because the free dinners and drinks and shows and first date butterflies are just as wonderful as they are in any other city. But people here are just so SO SO full of themselves. And hey, you’re in a city of what...9 million people? And Tinder is THE WAY to meet people now? Yeah, no point in putting any effort into that person that only met 9/10 of your criteria. I could have written a book (that would have been hilarious) on my dating life here. BUT I persisted through the ghosting, the lying, the tears, the feelings of being used...and in the pile of human garbage I was lucky enough to find a genuine and loving person. 

Our first date is one I will never forget even if it wasn’t written down. I mean, I don’t remember EVERYTHING (I really couldn’t tell you one specific thing we talked about); but I remember how I felt and that he called me a beautiful couch princess (for context, I was sitting on a really great velvet couch) despite the fact that I had put no effort into how I looked or what I wore because I was just over dating. So, wrinkly dress, tennis shoes and air dried hair I sat there feeling happier than I had in a long time and feeling like I had found something real. I had none of the doubts inside of me that were there with any other first date I had been on. You know, where you are really happy and feel giddy and are checking your phone for texts but there is a feeling deep deep down of “maybe I’m working myself up too much. this probably wont work. they probably don’t like me as much as I like them.”? I didn’t feel that and to this day I never have. And even now I’m almost crying as I think about that because I think that is really lucky and I’m so thankful. He never made me feel like I needed to guess about how he felt. We saw each other the very next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. And then again three days later. 

After a week or so he made some comment about messing up our french toast and I told him “it’s okay I still love you” and realized that is normally casual and fun except when you’ve known someone for a week and you want to date them and not scare them. I turned bright red and he laughed and I hid in the bathroom for a bit. I knew I really loved him a short time after that while saying goodbye to each other on the Jay St. A/C/F platform. I didn’t tell him until several weeks later laying in bed next to him, crying about something stupid. I can never think fully and completely of how much I love him because I cry and I don’t know if that is good or bad. If it is amazing I have found someone I feel so much love for or if it is bad because I am so lost and caught up in it. I think it is a little of both and that is why it is beautiful. 

I’ve realized this is the first time I’ve been in love and it is hard and confusing and I’m not always good at it. But at the core of everything I want to end with him even if certain things are messy and complicated and don’t make sense so I guess that is all that matters and you learn along the way the best way to do things for and with the person you care so much for. So, that’s my sappy recap of finding love and it is the most important dating story out of all of my crazy experiences.

In addition to putting myself out in the dating world, I’ve had a couple other leaps of faith and hoping for the best type of situations. I’ve started to realize as I get older is that at the end of the day there is no one out there you have to please except yourself. This is a belief my mother actively tried to instill in me at a very young age but I couldn’t grasp the concept of not caring about what other people thought. As you go through life making that one of your focuses and you start to get really exhausted and everyone else is happy except you, it starts to become easier and easier to wrap your mind around. It becomes easier to recognize the people who are holding you back and the situations that will never be right for you. You (slowly) start to accept that this doesn’t mean you’ve failed and you learn to believe in and trust yourself more than ever. 

With all of that said (I’ve never claimed to be brief or succinct), I left a job that weighed me down with so much sadness and a feeling of persistent inadequacy. No matter how much I tried, how much I cared, or how much I did I never felt like it was enough, or that I was enough. I never felt like I was moving forward. I felt held back by trivial feedback and absent leadership. I wanted to feel mentored, guided, supported. I wanted to feel like those who surrounded me saw and believed in what I was doing. I called my dad after a barre class one night and could not hold in my sadness anymore. I stood on the street sobbing hysterically and told him I couldn’t do it for another day and that I was sorry that I failed. I was somehow able to cry harder when he told me that he understood and that I would never be a failure to him. As you can see not much has changed on the front of wanting to make my parents happy since my last post. My mom was a bit more resistant but ultimately trusting of what I wanted (actually..NEEDED) to do. So, I put in my notice and left my job with a (very low) salary, benefits, 401K...all of the practical things. But I’m way happier now and I think that matters more. I can always save more money. I can’t go back in life and change how happy I was; the feelings that surrounded all of my experiences. 

10 days later I found a job and it is shocking how different I feel in this position. It is refreshing to not feel like I need to prove how important I am, how many people I know...but also shocking how all of those feelings stick around inside of you for awhile. The defensiveness, the bitterness, so I’m working on that. I know there is always the honeymoon phase with new jobs but I’ve learned to trust my gut and I feel like this will be different. 

A lot of other big and small things have happened between love and jobs but I’ll just make this into a series of re-entering the blog world so it isn’t too painful or longwinded to actually read. 

Whirlwind

These past few weeks have flown by. It's crazy how the time went from dragging (um, a month feeling like a year) to October being a complete blur. I guess starting a new piece of your life is kind of like growing up all over again, but expedited. Like when you are 4 years old, it feels like Christmas never gets closer, but then you are 25 and it seems like last year's Christmas was just yesterday. September in New York was my 4-year-old time, it felt like I was never going to get to be home again seeing my family. In October I was back to my 24-year-old self and time is flying by faster than ever and I'm left with the same thoughts I have always had. Why is this going by so fast and am I doing a good enough job of appreciating everything that is happening?

I lay in bed at night sometimes and seriously have to remind myself that I'm in New York. I'm living in one of my biggest life dreams. I think I avoid thinking about it too much because it's so much pressure. This IS my dream, how is it already real. But I can't find a job, sometimes I buy too much wine, or order from Seemless too much when I have perfectly good groceries in my cabinet...so am I even going to be able to sustain my dream? Am I screwing up something that I've wanted for as long as I can remember? See, this is what happens when I think about it too much. But then I hate myself for that. I'm not allowing myself to soak in this amazing experience fully. Sometimes you have to let something be so real that it scares you to really appreciate it. Maybe that's the lesson God is having my learn right now. I think I also need to remember that ever since I graduated high school I was always (even if it was hard at times) exactly where I should have been. I've always figured it out somehow and gotten through it by believing in myself, recognizing that I have an amazing family to support me, and believing that God is there guiding me and protecting me. 

It's hard to not give up. But I remind myself, or at least try to, that if I would have given up on anything else that I thought was hard before this, I wouldn't be here, now, smack dab in the middle of my dream with unimaginable opportunities ahead of me. I also know my family would never blindly support me. If they thought that I wasn't ready for this or should wait a little longer, they WOULD tell me. Although they trust me and my judgement they are painfully honest (usually out of love) and have no problem welcoming you back to reality with verbal slaps to the face. I also used to feel a lot of pressure to make sure that my parents were proud of me and what I was doing. This is another lesson God has taught me, I'll never understand how parents think till I'm a parent because it's like if I'm doing what makes me happy, they are proud of me. To me that's crazy because I'm so hard on myself but I can't be proud of myself or really anyone just because they are happy. I suppose it is the kind selflessness that only a parent can possess. 

So I guess it all boils down to this: 

Let life happen, don't put too much pressure on myself to soak it all in. But...still recognize that this is my dream. Appreciate it, soak it in, let it scare me sometimes.

More money in my savings will never replicate the kind of experiences or memories I'll get living here. And hopefully doing this, living in New York, will get me a good job (that I like, or love) and I can have the best of both worlds... maybe?

There are a lot of people who believe in me a lot. I should try to believe in myself at least 10% as much as they do. 

Week 1

Sunday marked my first full week in NYC on my own. When I sat down and thought about how long my mom had been gone it honestly felt A LOT longer than a week. I guess one 15 minute hit of homesickness out of seven days isn't so bad though.

It was a busy week, but I can already tell that I am happier and more positive even in the midst of craziness and things popping up with work and my personal life. So if I needed any initial reinforcement that moving here was a good idea, that was it. I already have a different outlook on things and that alone is priceless. Monday was my first day back to work. Not really BACK because I am working remotely now, but ya know. It is definitely something totally different for me but I am slowly getting used to it.

Some highlights from the week outside of work:

Thursday roomie manicures.

Days off exploring the neighborhood.

Waking up before the sun for cronuts.

Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge.

Relaxing in Prospect Park.

Going to Lavender Lake (a bar in Brooklyn) for drinks with a friend.

Signing up for a kickball league (totally out of my comfort zone). 

Oh...and the temps dropping. It finally doesn't feel like the inside of an oven in my apartment.

The Beginning of a New Adventure

Today is my first day in NYC. Well, not really. I've been here a week but that was six days full of un-packing, getting my room set up, and cleaning. My mom just left this morning and while I'm excited to be here it is already weird with her gone. It was just so weird to see her drive away without me and think I LIVE HERE NOW. 

So far I love everything. My neighborhood is awesome and so are my roommates! I think this is the perfect first step into MY life (not living with my parents, figuring out what I really want to do in this world....all the stuff that is kind of scary when it's just happened). 

Today I went out on my own for the first time. Even if it was just down the block to buy coffee filters it was still monumental for me. Later today, I am heading to The Empire Hotel for a Fashion Week party (so excited!) with one of my roommates. Not a bad way to spend my fist day on my own here in the city!

Even though I feel scared because I don't have a full time job HERE yet (I'm still working part time for Derse from my lil apartment here in Brooklyn), I know everything will work out. It all has so far. 

Overall I just feel so lucky to be where I am with a family who has been nothing but supportive of me and my dreams. It's the most overwhelming feeling (in a good way) when you see how much people believe in you. I'm going to miss seeing my parents, sister, and puppies every day but I know this is where I am supposed to be right now and they are just a plane ride away.

So here's to a new adventure. Let's see what happens.

Blessed.

The holidays are such a wonderful time for so many reasons. They give us the perfect opportunity to really take the time and appreciate and give thanks for all the things we have been blessed with in our lives. Although I wish I would do this every day, it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the real world. Reconnecting with old friends, working like crazy to make the perfect first impression at your first job that you hunted seven months for, figuring out how to be an adult...things like that unfortunately seem to take the reigns over reflection and appreciation of all of our blessings (while oddly enough, representing a huge chunk of what I've been blessed with in the past year). 

Becoming an adult has definitely has been hard, but that doesn't mean that it has been negative. I was provided with so many wonderful opportunities that have gotten me to this place in my life, where amazingly enough, there are even more opportunities waiting. Since graduation I have viewed my college education as something normal, even a burden that I will be paying off until I am 50. With student loan bills flooding in it's hard to remember that I was given a gift that most of the world isn't as lucky to receive. I am thankful for the gift of education that I was given, and I hope that I remember to continue appreciating it and using it to inspire myself and those around me.

Starting toward the end of October, I was starting to get pretty down about finding a job that I would love. After my stint with Children's Hospital I thought, I'm not going to find something better than that, I'm not going to find anything at all. "Why did I even go to school?" "Will I ever even get to live my dreams?" "Was that the path I really should have gone down?" All these thoughts of doubt and despair would fill my mind, I felt discouraged and without purpose. I found a job two weeks ago through a family friend at an amazing company that is perfect for what I am interested in doing with my career. Would I have appreciated it right out of school? Of course. But I appreciate it 100 times more now after everything that has lead up to me being here. Finding this job has also taught me a lesson, although I am happy I have this job, it didn't solve all of my problems like I thought I would. I still have this drive inside of me to find more, to learn more, to continue searching for what my dreams really are and what I need to do to achieve them. I have learned that life isn't like school where there is instant gratification for the work you put in. In school, you take a test, a week later you get it back with a grade showing how you did. Life, real life, out in the world...that's completely different. I'm learning how to see the world in the long term and trying to not be disappointed when I don't see results in an instant.  

The number one thing I have really opened my eyes to this past year is the amazing people I am surrounded by. God has given me the most amazing group of friends and family to support me and guide me. Although I have lost some people who I thought would be in my life forever, God has also given me the knowledge that I would not be able to be the person I am if those relationships remained in my life. 

This year has been remarkable. Full unexpected moments of sadness, happiness, inspiration, revelation and change. I have tried this year to appreciate every moment for what it is and try to see how God is present in everything that happens. I know I can do better though and I hope that this coming year I work harder to trust in  God's plan for me and continue down the path that is ahead with faith, strength and optimism. 

That's Monumental

I tend to be a bit of a pessimist. My outlook on life has always been to expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed. However, this philosophy hasn't really done its job, and in fact, looking back actually set me up for more disappointment. Expecting a C on a test never made me happier to get an A, always anticipating my boyfriend to be 30 minutes late never made me any happier when he was on time...the list goes on.

Along with this, I never really looked forward to anything because I didn't want to have expectations that would end up not being met. This was a recipe for disaster. I was missing out on all the little things that were actually monumental things and up until recently I was immensly underwhelmed with life. After graudating I'm starting to see all of these little things and their huge impact. Looking at myself 4 months ago and now, I not only realize how quickly I have changed but also everything that has happened to cause it. When I looked back on everything I have done in my life so far and stopped viewing it all as just a bunch of stuff I was supposed to do, or things that were expected of me anyway, life seemed a lot more amazing.

Who I have become over the course of my life, in the past few years and even the past few months isn't just something that was supposed to happen. It's a result of the big, small, and teeny-tiny things that have happened that I have subconsciously let move me. This has even helped me to make things I have dealt with in the past few months less monumental (i.e. things I really built up to be life-changing that really aren't all that earth shattering).

Disappointment is already built in to life so I need to stop setting myself up for more. I also need to take the time to realize that amazing things are always happening to me and making me into a better person.

I listen to my head too often, I need to start listening to my heart a little more and realizing that certain things really are important to me and not belittle them just so I end up not being disappointed.

Hobby Hunt

Excited to still be at the age where it is acceptable to still not know who I am or what I'm doing, but approaching the deadline for figuring it out, I have been on a hobby hunt! School has defined the person I was for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are housed at the Academy of Preschool Learning in Milwaukee, so since age 4, experiences I have had at school are what have defined who I was and who I was going to become. I have always been a student, but now, I am a graduate and it's time for me to define myself.

The best thing about graduating? You have a ton of time on your hands. If I didn't have this 8-5 gig, all that free time would be dangerous. However, pre-being a real adult, I had a few weeks to explore things I thought I might be interested in/make me more interesting. The deadline for introducing yourself and saying "Hi I'm Jocelyn and I just graduated from Loyola...yah that's all" is just on the horizon...I've gotta find SOMETHING besides my PR and marketing classes to talk about, yikes! Hence, the hunt for practical, talk-aboutable hobbies began.

I have started reading more, both books and the news (have I hit one of those transitional life moments since I find the NYTimes Podcasts really exciting?!). Anways, I outside of reading, running I thought it would be exciting to explore something COMPLETELY new. Now this hobby is awesome, becasue I happen to be killing two birds with one stone. Being in Chicago for the past four years, I have not lost touch with, but just become more distant from my family up in MKE. I decided to ask my grandmother to teach me how to sew. I guess she trusted me enough to not push my fingers through the sewing machine becasue she said YES! I picked out my first pattern, bought the fabric and went through the whole process of making my own dress. I loved doing all of it because it was all completely new and different, I learned so much about the process and fun short-cuts that my grandma has used, and I got to spend so much time with both of my grandparents. Best of all, I felt really good when I finished the project. Knowing that I had put so much work into something that was successful made me feel great.

This also taught me something, having hobbies isn't important just so you "have something to do" or "have something to talk about" and sound interesting. It's important becasue in school you are constantly working to get good grades, complete successful projects and make your teachers, parents and yourself proud of your accomplishments. After school, your hobbies give you something else to be proud of and new things to accomplish. You still have something to define you and you are still contributing to something. I find all of this very important, and because of it I don't want my hobby hunt to end any time soon! I want to continue exploring and learning about new things, trying as much as I can at least once, and keep feeling a sense of accomplishment even though I don't have research papers, final exams and a GPA pushing me.

The Journey Begins...

In the weeks following graduation, I took some time to indulge in an extension of my college life. Full of seeing friends on a whenever-I-wanted-to basis, hobby hunting to take up my suddenly empty schedule, and immersing myself in every possible Law & Order marathon known to man. Although it was nice to live in a fantasy world for awhile and bask in the glory of my Bachelors Degree, I needed to be honest with myself, it needed to end.

Enter, full time job. Yes, the part (or...all of) me that hoped to remain a 21-year-old child for the rest of my life cringed at this concept. It wasn't just that the idea of really "growing up" disgusted me. To be completely honest, more than anything, it scared me. Although I love structure, and school provided that for me and I knew I wanted it back after graduation, I just wasn't sure I was mentally prepared for the structure that adulthood offered. Scared of messing up? Sure. Scared of paying bills? Um, yeah. But what was I really scared of? Becoming boring.

I was a picky Ricky at first. First I didn't even want to think about moving to Milwaukee...then I got real (aka the sight of my savings account, or lack thereof slapped me in the face), so I did. But then, I didn't want to apply for ANY job in a suburb of Milwaukee, because duh, only boring people work in the suburbs. Well, as the 15th Law & Order marathon ended I realized my "fun budget" was non-existent and maybe jobs in the suburbs were okay, because I would be making money, just like I would in any other zip code. Although I came to see the realities of the situation, a part of me honestly did die. The nagging thought in my head "am I going to have to settle for the rest of my life just to make money?" I still haven't figured that out. I always told myself that I would follow my dreams no matter what. I feel like maybe my dreams got on a plane to NYC and didn't buy me a ticket to go with. Those fears are still a work in progress I suppose. 

In the heat of the moment though, I was up in the clouds. I was living the parts of adulthood that I like (happy hours, road trips, time for hobbies, etc.) and getting interviews, so of course I felt like I was awesome. So, I can be a little negative and say that maybe I'm not sure this is the path I should be on, but it has turned out alright so far.

I snagged up a full time job at Children's Hospital up here in Wisconsin. A paycheck, finally. Really, it was all I was concerned about. Well, I just started yesterday and let me tell you, I can already tell that I'm so happy I got this job for a million more reasons than just that. I'm working in the Health Foundation of the hospital, so I get to work on one of its largest fundraising events and I am already completely inspired. I have realized that I am going to get to be a part of something that is going to make a difference in thousands of peoples lives. Sure I still want to move to a bigger city and live an exciting life full of adventure, but this experience of job hunting, thinking about the path I'm heading down, has reminded me of what I really wanted to do with myself post-college and really with my whole life. Make a difference. My concern with where I resided and what I was doing with my free time and making sure I had a job that allowed me to be happy with both of those concepts made me only worried about the money. Now, I get to be close to my family, work at an organization that has changed so many lives, be surrounded by states full of my friends, and ground myself a little after my four-year run in the Windy City. 

College was a huge journey for me, but I forgot to write any of it down. Now, I want to make sure I remember all of the important lessons, fun experiences, and amazing things that happen forever. So, here it goes...

katespadeny:

take a chance, you don’t know where you might end up!

Fashion Gets Social

Consumers have always had a desire for immediacy, which plays heavily into the exponential growth and the success of social media. Social networking outlets have quickly become something that is more than recreational for consumers. With the ability to express admiration or dissatisfaction for a company in a matter of seconds, consumers have more power than ever. Although taking longer than most, the fashion industry has hopped on the bandwagon. Within the last year, everyone from in-house PR representatives to individual designers began to take advantage of all the benefits and possibilities that alternative communications have to offer.  By taking into consideration effective methods as well as the power that social media has to change the relationships that consumers have with a brand, companies can take full advantage of the benefits that social media and online communication can ultimately contribute to its profits and reputation. 

Okay, so social media has all of these business and money making implications, we get it but...we don't really care. Thankfully, spewing out cleverly phrased 140 character statements that try to get you to buy a product isn't all social media is good for when it comes to fashion. Online communication, in all of its forms, has completely changed the face of personal style and accessible fashion.

Let's start our journey through the online world of fashion, starting with (drum roll please) personal style bloggers. They're just like you and me, but they get free clothes and write about them for a living.

Personal style blogs are the latest and greatest trend when it comes to influencing and inspiring personal style, purchasing decisions, and driving traffic to retailers. They are popping up everywhere and quite a few are starting to make a name for themselves. Take a look at the pioneer of personal style blogging, Jessica Quirk, creator and writer of What I Wore. Her love for fashion drove her to start taking daily pictures of her outfits and over the years she has turned this into her full-time job. Not only do thousands upon thousands of girls visit her page everyday for daily outfit and style inspiration, but big-time brands have recognized her influence as well. Retailers like COACH, ModCloth, and Kate Spade all fork over their goods for free to Ms. Quirk just to get their name and pieces on her blog. Along with this, nearly every Sunday, Jessica hosts Boutique Breakfast, a installment of her blog dedicated to independent fashion brands with less exposure. And even though we might want to hate her for prancing around in her free Jeffery Campbell boots, many of Jessica's fabulous frocks have been thrifted! If you are a regular reader of her blog, you know she constantly raved about Beacon's Closet, her favorite thrift shop when she lived in Brooklyn. Post-move back to Indiana, and she was on the prowl for a new hot-spot for affordable finds. She now gets a lot of her vintage, one of a kind pieces at Vintage Vogue, proving you can get classic, memorable pieces if you just keep your eyes peeled and get out there and bargain hunt. It is easy to see that through What I Wore alone, current trends from the big brands are being promoted while new, up and coming brands are being brought to light all thanks to the work Jessica does. 

Another, shall we say, powerhouse, when it comes to the world of personal style blogging is Kendi Skeen of Kendi Everyday. The quirky and sarcastic undertone of her writing paired with her preppy/boho-esque style are all things that set her apart from the rest. Taking a different path than What I Wore, Kendi Everyday offers up sponsorships and giveaways from smaller boutiques, and although many of her clothes are well-known brands, Kendi works hard to promote less known boutiques and online retailers. I know from personal experience -- I have visited so many websites and looked into so many retailers that I wouldn't have had I not found them through Kendi Everyday (or other fashion blogs, for that matter). Not to mention, she throws together the most beautiful outfits from places like J. Crew, Anthropologie and Target. Readers can get inspired seeing chic and trendy outfits on a "real girl" budget. She has also been a trailblazer in the concept of "30 for 30". Kendi picks 30 pieces from her wardrobe to re-mix for a full month. By doing this and showing readers the power of a few key pieces, women can see that you don't need a massive wardrobe (or budget) to have style. These blogs have had a great influence on empowering women to develop their own personal style and showing them that a tight budget doesn't have to hold you back from always looking your best and expressing your identity through your style. 

The next stop on our journey is into the world of user generated content. There are fabulous fashion sites out there that let fashionistas just like you post your daily outfits to share with the world. Lookbook.nu and Everybody, Everywear are both great resources for this. Everybody, Everywear really allows viewers of the site to get an idea of how to work one piece in countless different ways, therefore allowing girls from all walks of life and income levels to start creating their own personal styles regardless of budget or tastes. Basically what the site does is pick a piece, and then fashion bloggers link their posts of them wearing the piece to the website, and voila, they show up for the world to be inspired by. Even Polyvore, a site that allows users to create collages of outfits (realistic or ones they would wear everyday in a dream world) allow for users to share their ideas on what to mix and match to create different styles for different people.

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. by Z-tHBoH (AWAY) featuring blue pants

I think after our little journey to just a small slice of the resources the Internet has to offer, it is already easy to see that social media and online communication are really starting to shape and help evolve the fashion industry and the perception of personal style. Fashion, trends, really everything, is more accessible now than ever and it's online communication and social networking sites are only expanding. It's an exciting evolution to watch happen, hopefully the fashion industry continues to embrace changes in communication and perpetuates the idea of style for everyone!

katespadeny:

introducing april’s color of the month: green!

katespadeny:

spotted the scout bag at #nyfw (Taken with instagram)

katespadeny:

spotted the sheldons at our fall ‘11 preview (Taken with instagram)

katespadeny:

nickey:

suzs:

these are a few of my favorite things

Annnnnnnd be sure to credit your sources. You can buy this print here.

noted, thanks for the info!