No matter what happens in any body life we are going to have ups and downs. I think we just have to look towards and look foward to the ups more then the downs. If we concentrate on the downs then everything that happens in our life's we are not going to see the good things properly. Yeah don't get me wrong everyone has got to have the bad days but nobody let them bad days end up in to weeks or months. I have not long realised this. I have had loads of.dhit things happen to me in this last year and I have been that kind of person to let my downs and bad days take over for to long. I.havw also realised that people are having worse and more shut time then me. Even though in my head it is the worse thing ever. Everyone need to remember the memories they have already made and look forward to the ones that they can make. Try not let your bad days take over and remember there is always someone out there that is having a worse time or day then you. Try and think positive and make loads more memories in your beautiful life.

Back at square one

So back to square one once again. No matter how happy I get and how everything for me is going so perfect it always fucks up and I am always the one that ends up back at square one. I am always the person that ends up either pushing people away, or I am the one that is heart broken, with twenty million things going through my head I am the one ending up feeling like I don't belong here any more. So what I need to think to myself is do I, do I belong here, am I ever going to be happy, or is it always going to end up me being in this place being back at the beginning or even in a worse place then the beginning.

how many times have you said ‘i’m fine’ when you wanted to scream help me? how many times have you faked a smile, so they don’t ask how you feel?

2am thoughts (via ughemotionall)

I don't know why I bother sometimes. Maybe it isn't always me fucking things up. Maybe I wasn't the only person in her life at that time she loved. Maybe she has always loved her. Just don't know why i bother trying to be happy with someone that I really care about. Maybe this isn't as easy as I thought it would be letting her go. It is so hard seeing her with someone else. It's even harder seeing how happy she is just because I knew at one point not long ago I was the person making her that happy. Even though I am telling myself it ain't true and I don't want to but just maybe I do want to be the person that is making her happy. I know she cares about me but I want to her to care about me like she use to. I hate that it is so hard and I am still going through this. I am trying. I am trying to forget and look past it but deep down I can't. I still get that feeling when she writes to me or sometimes when I see her. Life is so hard sometimes.

This is so hard :( why can't I just be a normal person that can hold a proper relationship and make the person I love happy. I don't know what I am going to do. This is the hardest thing I have to do is letting the person that I love so much go.

I hope I haven't fucked up.

😆

I am starting to feel my self again 😆 I may not have everything that I wanted to change but I feel that I have changed in my own way and I ain't stressing about stupid little things anymore, I also feel really happy 😀 .... I have stopped worrying about things that I don't need to worry about. Like getting a car I know it's going to happen so I don't need to worry, getting ga new job but I will finally find one when I do just need to wait ..... I have got all my family and friends around me that's all I need At the moment and that makes me happy 😆

Change

I think I need to start concentrating on me and my life and stop worrying about others and trying to sort everything out and making sure everyone else is ok before me. I am going to start think about what I want to do with my life and sort it all out like looking for a job in something I want to do, saving money, getting a car, moving out. I need to go out and be me and do things that will make me happy. Need to stop worrying about how I was and what happened in the past even if it wasn't that long ago. I need to think about what is happening now and what I want to happen and where I want to be in the future. Need to start to change.

Little rant

Why is it that there are horrible nasty people out there that treat people like shit, abuse people, hurt people, that can go out there and get in to a relationships. I am not that kind of person to treat any one like shit and make them feel horrible or even hurt anyone. Yeah I do have a bit of an attitude problem but that is nothing compared to what other people do or treat other people when they are in a relationship, to be honest my attitude changes for the better when I am happy in a relationship. I am the kind of person that will treat someone like they are post to and maybe more some times, I want to care, love, be with someone that feels the same way about me as I do about them but that ain't happening. I don't understand why or how these horrible fuckers can get people that care and love them and then they go and treat them like shit. They don't deserve them kind, nice, caring and loving people.

Why

I am feeling so horrible at the moment and I hate it. At the beginning of this year ( yes I know it ain't that long ago) I was really happy and I felt like my attitude was changing for the better. Then all of a sudden loads of thing just started happening to me at once and I have had really good people and friends there helping through a lot of it. I just feel like that I am going back to my old ways having a attitude problem a lot and speaking to people like shit and just being really horrible even when they have done nothin at all to me.sometimes I really don't realise the way I speak to people. It weird and horrible one minute I can be really fine, happy, smiling, being kind, having a laugh and that then the next minute I can be horrible, stressing, have a attitude and be a cunt. I really don't mean it but when I do people do realise that I mean it. There is just so much going on at one time I just don't know what to do with myself or don't know what to think or how to be. I do end up taking it out on the same people I have seen and realised that I am making them feel like shit. I shouldn't be doing that when they are there to be my friend, help me with things, and just be them. I am sorry that I am doing this and I wish I could control it all and sort myself out. I just don't know why it is hard for me I don't know why I do it I don't know why I can't say what's wrong I don't know why anything really I wish it could all just stop and I can be normal and be a happy person, be a friend that people need, be me.

This I so true, no matter what it is, it is hard to let go ... I am trying to change at the moment and I am finding it hard ... I want to stop fighting to hold on ... It not good for me ... Let's hope I can fight to let go

Life

I think that I need to sit down and actually think of what I want to do with my life. What I want to do as a living, I need to really think of what I want to be and how I am going to get there. when I going to move out, I really do need to think about trying to move out not straight away will after to sort other things out before and make sure it is the right time and got enough money to move out. save money to help me later on in life. To get a car, I think this is sooner thing I need to do then later I have passed my test and that know so just need to sort car and that out really soon so can start being more independent with my life. Also need to think about moving on with my feelings which I know is going to be hard I need to try though I think it is the only way I am going to be able to move forward. I think I will always have feelings for her but I just need to keep reminding myself and remembering that it ain't going to happen I between us and that we are over and there nothing I can do about it. So let's hope I can get my head sorted and start thinking about me and my life. Let's hope I can start a good new fresh start.

I hated that we have done most of this ... I can't pretend that you don't exist ... You have been a massive part of my life and you have helped me through so much ... Even just as a friend ... I know I didn't want this to happen at all ... I really do hope you didn't want this to happen like this either ... I am really upset and gutted that it has ended up like this ... I hope it don't always stay like this ... I do t want to lose you as a friend ... Just want everything to be normal between us

I just don't know anymore

It's hard and confusing and everything at the moment is really getting on top of me. Even the small parts that I know I don't really need to worry about are getting on top of me. I hate it i am starting to struggle now and again to put a brave face on and start showing that I am pissed off, moody, upset, confused the lot. there is to much going on at the same time and I am finding it hard to process it all in my brain. I am still finding it hard when I see her. I want to just be able to be myself but then I don't want to seem that I am trying. I just wish I could go back in time and in some ways I wish we never got together in a relationship because I feel that is what has fucked us both over with being close, having fun, speaking normal, meeting up, and just being friends. Really don't think that we will every be as close as we use to be. I know I ain't going to lose these feelings that I have for her for a very long time. If someone came up to me and told me there was something I could do to try and work things out for us I would I really fucking would, I don't care what anyone else says anymore I know how I feel and I know what I am like and I can feel it never being the same and I really don't know if it is going to work being friends which I am sooooo upset about I really am. She still means so much to me as a friend. I am struggling to let go .... I don't want to .... I just don't know what to do about this situation anymore 😭😭 There is to much going on ... I can't deal with all of this ... There so many problems with life .... Feels like I got no one .... I don't know what to do ???

I tend to hide a lot of things and it is so hard to forget about anything

Hard

These last couple of months have been the hardest months I think I have been through so far … I found a girl that I really liked and fell in love with her … She was really special and cute, silly well she was lots to me. Yeah we was together and a lot of people was happy for us and we were really happy together well I thought we was anyways … Well she ended it with me but still says she cares for me and it was a really hard decision for her. I am confused about it really and I am still confused about the situation and we have spoke about it … Well it hasn’t ended up in a good way .. well I don’t think it has anyway … We are not really speaking I am finding out how she is and how she is getting on with things through her best friend. I hate that I have to do this just to find things out about her and I can’t hear it from her … I never ever thought we would be like this …. I just want to speak to her and tell her good and bad things that are happening in my life but I can’t she wants space and I have been told by many that I should let her give me space … The thing is I am really trying and I am finding it so hard I am putting a brave face on when I see my friends and go to work and most of all when I see her, but once I am alone in my room or not with anyone that it is it everything comes out … Its hard she was there for me through a lot of things and I miss her I really do … I just don’t think I am going to be able to forget about her like people are trying to get me to do or even lose my feelings for her … I don’t want to lose her not even as a friend but I really think I am going to … Its hard it is really hard. I care for her, love her, she means so much to me I just don’t know what to do 😔😔