When you’re deep inside of me i don’t think you realize the power you have over me, I’ll do whatever you want. Suck you, get on my knees, bend over. Whatever daddy wants daddy gets and I can’t complain. I want to squirt all over your face and I want to see that smirk when you’re pounding me so hard I can’t talk… I want you all the time. 🤤

I love being deep inside of you..hearing you moan watching your face! I like fucking the shit out of you…and you cumming all over me..my favorite is when you cum and tell me and then you start shaking while you’re trying to tell me🥵🥵

I love you!!!😂🫶🏻🩵

I love you more 🩵

This might be emotional..so I’m warning you now. The day I met you, I knew you were special…special in a way I couldn’t even grasp. Special than the little girl who didn’t receive bedtime stories and cookies! More special than the young girl who got taken advantage of when she should’ve been living wild young and free! More special than the young teenager in high school who let their boyfriend give them bruises instead of forehead kisses! More special than the little girl who had to experience girl life without their mother! More special than the little girl who had to take care of herself and her father! More special than the young woman who got broken hearted and didn’t get loved correctly. More special than the young woman who flew across the US to meet someone that had no idea who it was afterwards! More special than the lies, the heartache, the family rumors about you, the drunk asshole they call you, the dramatic one they call you. J, I love you more than all of that! J you have found your purpose in life. You have found that girl you have been dreaming about for years now! Even if you haven’t found her fully, you still have found her. Because I met her and I love her. And I will continue to love her until the day I die and after that! I’m gonna marry that woman you have been dreaming about! And J, you’re more than all of her! You’re more than that old J! You’re more than enough! You are more than everything I’ve dreamt of! I’m so blessed and proud to have you, to cherish you, to love you, to show you your purpose in life! I’m 100000% in love with you and all of you matter of fact! There’s nothing in this world, in this life that will ever ever take that away! You’re it for me! I’m all yours. And you’re my person!🥺🩵 I love you Jay!😭🩵

I wonder who I’d have become if I wasn’t fed words of hate when I should have been receiving cookies and bedtime stories.

I wonder who I’d have become if I hadn’t been taken advantage of by a stranger with cold hands around my neck.

I wonder who I’d have become hadn’t I let my high-school boyfriend give me black eyes instead of forehead kisses.

I wonder who I’d have become had my mother stayed until I at least got my first period or I didn’t have to take care of a man who was suppose to be taking care of me.

I wonder who I’d have become if the world hadn’t caused me so much damage. I dream of that girl often.

I’ve been told to do things for myself instead of others.

But I’m still alive, and I’m definitely, 100%, not here for myself

I’d go if I wasn’t afraid of the other side.

I’d go if I knew my niece would grow up and not forget my words of wisdom and the sound of my voice.

I’d go if I knew my brother wouldn’t lose his best friend and if I knew my mother would make it.

I’d go if I knew my best friend would find another.

I’d go if I knew the girl I loved would love again.

I’d go if I knew my animals would be taken care of.

I’d go if I knew that I wouldn’t cause anyone a single tear shed.

I’d go if I wasn’t so afraid of being forgotten.

I’d go.. but I can’t.

I dream of never being called resilient again.

I’m exhausted by strength.. I want support.

I want softness. I want ease.

I don’t want to be patted on the back for how well I take a hit, or for how many.

I haven’t found my place of peace. I know what it entails but I don’t know where it is. I know it involves calmness, sunshine and the smell of salt in the air or foggy mornings with the sun in the background, drinking my coffee on the porch. I know it involves a sense of relief, a quietness so vast I hear myself breathe. I think my peace in my mind is chaotic because I’ve never even seen a glimpse of peaceful livelihood. I’m dreaming of it though.

Praying for God to heal me

I’ve spent a lot of time crying wolf when all that was needed was simple validation; to be told my mind wasn’t harming me as bad as it was, that my life holds an immense about of importance and that I do need to be here.

Then after a while, I stopped asking for help and validation because I realized that in the end, words of affirmation do not calm the chaos in my mind. It doesn’t shine a light in the dark and it certainly doesn’t stop the pain from forming.

I have learned to stay silent and face demons alone because it is my battle, to win, alone. How selfish could I have been to drag angelic human beings through my purgatory all for a glimmer of hope. A glimmer of home that was lost long before I started looking for it.

I’ve told my stories and I’ve cried on shoulders that were cold and some that held warmth, but the story remains the same. The general lifespan of someone with my diagnosis is 27 years of age. I have 2 and a half years left to hope, but I’ve spent 20 already.

I don’t think there’s any saving me. So instead, I’ll save the ones who have loved me from the burden of constantly wondering if I’ll be okay in the end. Because the odds are, I won’t be. I have learned to mask my pain and thank god I had a few let downs to force me to keep some things hurried. Nobody needs to know it never got better; they just need to know that they succeeded in trying.

That’s my hope.

I’ve found myself in a different type of darkness. One that starves me yet feeds me words that disrupt the peace of a mirror. I decline dinner invitations because you cannot throw up in a public restroom unless you’ve been drinking. I say I’m not hungry because I don’t want to look at myself this way for another second. The gym has not helped me. I’ve dealt with obstacles the past few months that have been an enormous strain on my physical health. I am disgusted. Even when I am alone, I’m embarrassed.

When you grow up walking on egg shells, recognizing tones, footsteps, when people were in a bad mood and how to avoid it, plus learning how to sit back and study people; Sometimes you end up with gifts you didn’t ask for, like picking up on energy.. picking up on negativity.. reading people for who they really are.

Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be too much and push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be valued and cared for. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrifice myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering. Tired of shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthy human being. I am worthy. Not because other people think I am, because I exist; therefore, I matter. My voice matters, and with or without anyone’s permission I will continue to be who I am. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to meet my own needs. I choose to make myself a priority. I choose me.

I’m mentally at a place where I can’t afford to FREELY give anymore. Meaning if I love you, I need for you to love me BACK. If I care about you, I need for you to care about me too. If I sacrifice for you, I need sacrifices in return. If I protect you, I need to be protected as well. My mental capacity won’t allow me to keep pouring from an empty cup. We all deserve to be poured into, as we pour into others.. and I just can’t afford to accept one sided love and energy anymore.

Things start to feel better when you let go

Letting go doesn’t mean I’ll have to stop caring for you

It just means that I have to care about myself enough to walk away when you have done nothing to benefit me anymore.

You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.

You did not know how to love me

And that would’ve been okay if you would have just felt like learning how to.