This isn’t anxiety and it’s not depression either. I’m anxious and depressed because of this new feeling or lack of feeling or whatever the FUCK it is. But the feeling is causing those things, not the other way around.

I can’t do anything. I can’t like like myself or speak like myself or feeling anything right. I can’t move! I can’t act! I can’t pay attention! I can’t remember things I want to say when I need to say them. I’m completely outside of the realm of normal and someone needs to see that and help me!!! Because soon there won’t be anything left!!!!!! REALLY SOON!!! I’m running out of time!

Please someone help me. Please.

Fuck God. I only think of him when I need someone to blame but I know no one is there. There is nothing, and I’m nothing too.

I dont have a soul anymore.

I have no confidence in myself anymore, down the the most basic human functions. I am defined by uncertainty and fear and I don’t know why I can’t build confidence back up. This is torture.

I was going to go into work today and had to bail out again. I feel like a piece of shit every time I have to say no, I can’t do it. I can’t even tell myself “I’ll do it when things are better” because there’s no sign of when that might be. I can’t even imagine it.

Life is hell. Im in hell.

The apathy and weirdness is too much.

I wake up and I don’t want to get out of bed, but I don’t want to stay in bed either. They’re both uncomfortable.

I dont want to drive. I know I need to but I feel no need as if nothing is real. I also don’t want to not drive. If I had a strong feeling either way at least it would mean I’m present enough to try and do it.

I don’t want to play video games but I also don’t want to give them up.

I don’t want to eat but it’s also not hard to, but I notice the difference.. the “I don’t care” feeling about it. It’s apparent when I go a whole day without a meal and then only eat so others don’t worry or until my stomach really aches.

Like.. what even is this?

God please please please please let Lexapro work. Please don’t take my mom from me I can’t handle it and I’m too scared to move when I think about it. Please if you never help me with anything else again just help me overcome this. It’s worse than anything I could have imagined.

Please let Lexapro work. Please.

I remember times when I felt so terrible I’m so many ways but being with you still felt like this light when I was with you. I’d still come up with things for us to do and I look forward to them through all of the horrible things

I can’t feel that anymore and IM SCARED

AND NO ONE GIVES A FUCK

THE TEARS ARE ROLLING DOWN MY FACE LIKE BULLETS AND I CANT LIVE WITHOUT THE LIGHT

I can’t draw anymore. Anything that I have to use my hands to do I just can’t anymore, it’s too mentally uncomfortable. I know that sounds insane but it’s just the fact of the matter. My arm feels like it’s not mine and I can’t connect mentally or physically with what I’m trying to do… and I’ve tired a lot. It isn’t getting better or going back to normal.

People have told me I’d always be an artist no matter what, but you can lose anything. I know that now.

Im living my worst nightmare. Everything is gone.. Im barely getting by just existing with no meaning. Not even the thought of my family here for me to give me comfort or purpose. I’ve become the nothing person.

And the worst part is, I knew it was coming so long ago. I knew where I would end up and there isn’t anything I could have done about it.

Now it’s just a matter of waiting to see how terrible it will be before it all just stops.

I’ve thought a couple times about the GLAD exercise, and I freeze on it.. especially the Delight

Because there is no delight. There isn’t a shreas of it. Im swallowed by doom and fear. This isn’t life.

I hate these feelings in me so much There aren’t even words for it. Even my best nights are plagued with just the most dysphoric feeling. How cannI ever put everything right again and even if I do how can I ever trust that things are really ok again? I don’t want to worry or hurt you anymore but I’m in so much mental turmoil.

I cant sleep peacefully anymore

Im in mental pain

Im in physical pain, my back hurts Its hot, I'm sweating

I dont believe Im going to recover from this mental state anymore

Im in Hell.

I feel like Im functioning ok now but it could all be out the window any minute that said, this part time is the best fit for me because its only once a week and only for a few hours its mostly just this weird feeling that goes from my right ear, down into my shoulder and into my right arm Im trying my best not to play attention to it but I never feel free from it and it really messes me up and disrupts my thought flow and ability to feel regular emotions. I dont know whats wrong with me.

I just dont like myself anymore.

5/7/2020

1:56 AM I havn't written here in a while. My thoughts have kind of not felt like my own like, the act of thinking feels labored and mitigated by all of the constant analyzing I do and tension I hold as I continue to try to search for myself. Things have been better since starting Abilify. I feel like its helping me be less depressed without the insanity that the welbutrine was causing. I've been able to do a lot more even if I cant say I enjoy it. Theres still some latent feeling thats holding me back all the time. Today I impulsively invited John over. We hung out for maybe 4 or 5 hours trading pokemon and playing Kirby and watching youtube videos. Id be lying if I said I got the same good feeling I used to get from being with friends but its also a good thing that I keep proving to myself that seeing them isn't going to kill me.

Its annoying though for my first thought about anything I start to think about doing is "I dont know, Im not in the mood." Im never in the mood. Its really difficult. On the brighter side, Im able to look at the brighter side, lol. I spend a lot less time holding my mom back, Im able to get myself through the day even if it feels kind of blank and hollow. Im not having days where I cant get out of bed anymore. I guess the only problem is feeing really emotionally out of touch and stunted, and also some energy issues like weird body sensations which I've been trying to mitigate with the acupressure tool and tapping and self talk.

Ive been drawing some too. Tomorrow is my brother-in-law to be's birthday and I decided to do a caricature of him. I watched a few tutorial videos on how to do caricatures and tried my best. I think it turned out pretty good, everyone tells me it looks just like him. My online friend Ryan and I also arranged an "art swap" its a lot to explain but I'll do the abridged version: Someone called Tay a "fat tranny" today in a comment on a short film she made. It pissed me off so hard I hatched the idea of a drag queen slasher named Trachea Slicer. Im terrible at coming up with compelling narratives though I can hatch a mean concept. I told Ryan if I could get ahold of some money I'd love for him to write the backstory and vengeful slaughter Trachea would enact upon these homophobic horror fans and Ryan suggested we do a swap. I'll do illustrations of some of his original characters and he'll do a mock-up/outline of the story of Trachea Slicer. It actually has me a little excited in the weird half way I can feel such a thing. Ive never done an art swap before. I think things are looking up. I have some confidence that I'm not going to hit those extreme lows again, or the amount of irritation and anxiety that put me in Sheppard Pratt. Knowing that, I think things are going to come back bit by bit until I finally feel that shift where Im back in myself and ready to push forward with life.

Anxiety: 4

Depression: 5

body sensations: 6

Anxiety and OCD have ruined my life. Wellbutrin drove me crazy and now I'm broken forever. I dont feel I'm being hyperbolic, I feel like I'm stating the truth. The me I knew and loved it truly and wholly dead. I cant reach it anymore. And without it, theres no point in living.

4/3/22

Im still having a hard time. I dont really know who I am at this point or what is important to me because things go so extreme, pushed me so far out... its like my mind and body have forgotten what its like to just function normally. I feel like I cant do anything, and I dont want to do anything, I feel no need to do anything. I do what I have to do so my family doesn't get mad at me.. but thats it. Something is missing or wrong that I cant explain.. and if I cant explain it, how can I ever get better? I really thought after the program that I was going to go back to normal and everything would be okay but of course its not. It never is. It never will be.

I dont even know what I'm writing this. I dont fucking care. I remember I used to feel stressed that none of the things I did felt the same anymor, but I was worried enough and compelled enough to keep trying them because I needed to do something to calm down the insanity. Now the insanity is calmed down, but everything still feels bad and I just have stopped caring. I just dont do them anymore. Apparently my fear when I started therapy was that I'd end up a blank nothing person. Well here I am, full circle. Im a nothing person. I wish I could be better, but I cant. And so I wish I didn't exist anymore.