we back im gone

damn its been a long time. not much has changed to be honest im kind of in the same position that i was since i made the account. well to be honest im not really hung up on the girl anymore. shes still very special to me but im kind of over it. when it was like this in the past i was just distracted right? like i had a different girl at the time (or girls, you know what i mean, whoever i was with) but right now i wouldnt say im in love with her. still love her though. thats pretty good! excited to move on. we talk on occasion but she has a whole other boyfriend im pretty sure. so glad im not stuck on her like i had been or else the thought of her with someone else wouldve completely tore me apart. glad shes happy with what she has, i think i know who it is and thats pretty cool. its funny because its the guy that my friend said reminded him of me when he was living up there. or was my friend. i wouldnt say we’re friends to be honest. the whole thing with that friend and the girl is what had us stop talking. it not anyones fault though. no one knew, but myself, that i wanted to try again with her. so maybe i shouldnt have felt disrespected like i did. it was just that i was confused. like is it now weird go get with the guy that was the closest to us when we were together for years? gotta be right? especially because i specifically avoided doing stuff with the girl that was the closest to us over those years too because of how it wouldve made you feel. things are different now though. who really cares about that stuff anymore. you do you and ill do me. maybe my whole though process has changed because i dont have feelings for her like that anymore. maybe i dont have feelings for her like that anymore because when i did see her however many months ago i didnt feel any sort of way. not even how it used to be. i wasnt attracted to her really, neither physically or emotionally really. that really needed to happen. i still think shes one of the most beautiful people in the world in almost every single way no exaggeration but i just wasnt attracted to her. it was kind of nice it was like she was one of my female friends and we were hanging out just catching up. it really did need to happen. work is okay. just another part time that im whatever about working. the hardest part is getting up in the morning for it. 6am ?? holy shit. its whatever tho while im working it. a girl at work clearly want me be shes just not my time you know. shes my age she doesnt seem individual yet. now that im over the old though i think im down for something now. something real or maybe not maybe just fun but at least something romantic. not just the fucking shits. id be down to take someone special to me on dates and care for. odd to say that coming from me. it honestly just feels like it would be nice right now at least. i probably feel this way because im not staying here after next semester ha i wanna go back home and figure things out. even though i still pray that i die in a car accident or something, itd be the smart thing to do to stop wasting money and something thats not working out. this is a lot of typing tho. you already know i do the most typing when i got too much to do. i got a test due tonight at midnight and i havent started studying. who cares man im just living life. three tests in the next few days and then finals next week but we chillin. theres a science behind how my brain is. so much anxiety and stress these days then i feel so much euphoria when its done for. no matter how bad i do on stuff that high feels like im on heroin. what else can i talk about right now. things are honestly not that bad for me mentally. it kind of feels like my end is coming. sooner than soon i hope. i know i pray that no matter how gruesome or terrible my death would be for me is i still want it to happen. but the thing is, im not super down bad right now. im not in the dumps. it just feels like theres nothing to worry about. it will be soon. but who knows. whatever though. i need to pee. to no one that will ever see these post or maybe to the ghost behind me while im typing this. cya nerd,, until next time <3 !

no one around me can tell that im falling apart.. but i am. everything door surrounding me continues to close and the only one at fault is me. this depression is real. this depression is ruining my life.

what better way to give up?

the most important time to do things is when you don’t want to do them. right now its crunch time and i want to say fuck it and join the air force.

i need to try and understand

i dont miss the idea of high school and i am not one of those people who dont really do anything after high school and just reminisce those days. really the only thing i want to do is just not throw what we had away. i dont know. that senior year was probably my most enjoyable year in high school and we weren’t together that year. that really sucks to say but its true. you were a toxic and might have turned into the worst part of my life at that point even though you were easily the best as well. but i do think i couldve kept you close. even though i was messing with all these other girls that year, none of it was serious. i was still deeply in love with you. but that year the toxicity didnt end you were still talking shit and spreading lies and it made me want to hate you even though i couldnt. but now i see your growth and its nice. even though we were not dating we had been romantic with each other for the duration of me living down there. i wish i just took it serious. really cuffed you. but maybe if i did i would hate it now, you never know and thats what sucks. but its on of those things where you wouldve, well i wouldve, rather tried and if it didnt work whatever but its so much better than being stuck in this “aw man what if this and what if that-” that im stuck  with right now. anyway it doesnt matter. im just putting my mind out there because i really do think about you every single fucking day. and it really fucking sucks. my classes started. i should really get started on those.

things could change

cheers to 2021. i want to actively try to be happier how my life is unfolding. its hard. i keep fucking up. last year i was expressing my thoughts in some of the worst ways possible so i made this page to stop that from happening. this is a diary of a 20 year old college student thats still in love with his ex from high school. i havent cried in a long time but it really feels like i want to every day. who knows,, you might know someone like me.