Sitting here on my 15 minute break have a lil cry sesh because I feel like the biggest loser there ever was and ever will be.

I've really been trying to stay positive especially with the eclipse energy, but it's hard

Purged earlier only to end up eating m&ms a few hours later

Changing my mindset changes my energy which changes my thoughts which changes my outlook and then changes my outcomes

I purged today. I didn't binge, but I still felt like I had to purge today. Even though I know it's bad for me, and even though my back and stomach will hurt so bad tomorrow, oh and my joints.

I had a baked potato with cheese and lot of light sour cream no butter, and a grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and light mayo.

I know I didn't get everything up, but I honestly wasn't trying to. I just needed to get most of it. Plus I don't want to over do it for my body.

Yesterday I was thinking about how much I missed purging on the regular, and that I wished it was my only problem compared to how now binging has become my main problem. Now I feel anxious that tomorrow I'll feel absolutely horrible and be extremely bloated and have to be at with work everyone judging me.

Is it narcissistic of me to assume everyone is just sitting there thinking the worst about me? I feel like they're judging me for gaining 60 pounds in 2 years, that they're judging me for the times I've been crazy, or with how often I have to call out for being sick and they probably think I'm making that shit up. Or for how stupid and slow I am. That they think I'm weird and off-putting. Why tf do I even care what they think. I really don't tbfh. I truly don't even care what they think, there's a part of me that does and it's sooo loud. It even makes me feel guilty in a way for NOT caring about what they think.

Somewhere along the way since 2022 I've been off track with my spiritual and healing journey, and I wanna get back on track but I don't feel the spark anymore. I feel like I can't be relit.

Why is my mind so intense like everything just feels so intense like 100% this or 100% that, like I can't just be chill. Because now I'm starting to think what if the only spark I felt was actually spiritual psychosis from bipolar disorder or something.

No I haven't been fasting, no I haven't been working out, no I haven't been keeping track of my calories everyday. Then I sit here and wonder why shit stays the same. I have been better about keeping my binging down for the most part.

I miss when my biggest problem was purging too much in a day. Ughhhhhhhhjhh I wish I could purge again without my body feeling like it's being torn apart.

not now kitten, daddy's about to have a mental breakdown from seeing the prices at the grocery store

I still have time to lose this weight and get back to where I need to be. My weight does not define me. My thoughts don't define me. My beauty does not define me. The amount of friends I have does not define me. I'm gonna be okay. Whoever is meant to be in my life will be in it. I will receive my blessings. It's all gonna be okay.

One of my crushes at work (I have 2 rn I'm a love whore) has been talking to one of the new girls non stop. And he be doing the same with another girl whose been up here for a while. Both of the girls are skinny/slim thick and so pretty. I swear once I started to like him I suddenly see him flirting with these girls. I'm so jealous seeing him be this way with them. Joking, laughing, talking, walking around together... it brings back all my rejection sensitivity stuff. My whole body and energy changes in these moments. I get a flood of jealously, desperation, emptiness, and sinking sad feeling in my chest. Now that I'm typing this all out I'm like 'damn calm down its not a big deal' Why can't I be normal and stop comparing myself to these girls and stop feeling like I'm completely worthless just because a dude isn't giving me attention. It hurts I want it to stop.

I miss my 2021/2022 body so fucking much. I miss it I miss it I miss it I miss it. I hate what I've done to myself by gaining the weight back and now I'm in a constant binge cycle. I remember when I was trying so hard to stop my purging cycle but I miss that so much now. I can't even purge anymore without feeling like I'm dying afterwards. I've been too depressed to keep up with my gym schedule. I just can't do anything right. I hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I think, the way I act. Nothing I do is right.

Im so ready to lose this weight. I wanna be down 60 pounds by June 1st. If I stay consistent with the fasting, working out, calorie deficit, healthier food options I know I'll get there

Last night was my first binge in what, 3 weeks? It totaled up to be 2,859 calories. Not the worst binge I've had but it definitely is making me feel anxious asf cus I've been so good at keeping my daily intake to be 1,500 or less. I know one night isn't gonna kill me, but I feel like I can feel the fat stacking on my body and me growing 2 pant sizes bigger as I speak. Plus my stomach hurts now.

Also I haven't been to sleep yet ☠️ I've been up since 10:30 am YESTERDAY. And when I woke up yesterday I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep because I went to bed around 5 am. So idk why tf I'm not tired. The past few months I've been extremely tired and exhausted and over sleeping, so maybe now all the pent up energy I've had stored away is popping out. Idfk but now I gotta worry about falling asleep around noon and making my sleep schedule worse

Purposely haven't weighed myself for 2 weeks almost 3, because I wanted to see it drop drastically, but of course I step on it and only lost 10 pounds. I'm grateful to have lost the 10 pounds obviously but it's disappointing because that's all!?! I've been significantly lowering my calories and portions and thats all I've lost.

i am an ally to all embarrassing and uncool women forever and ever

I'm sorry you've been going through it lately. You deserve so much better.

I'm actually tearing up a lil rn. Thank you sm ♥️ its hard but im trying ♥️

Feeling so bad that you don't even have an appetite <3

That's been me all week since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's painful, but I also don't care cus I'm not wasting tears on a man, but also I can't stop crying randomly, and also having literally no appetite at allll.

Most of my life i feel like I've coped with food for depression, but then times like this I dont understand why sometimes the depression gives me no appetite. Like in 2021 when I lost almost 80 pounds. I'm not questioning it too hard tho, cus im lowkey mad that my depression can't always make me this

Maybe it has to do with me having - undiagnosed- adhd and food is like my dopamine hit. Or idk I need to think about it more I guess

I keep having moments where I'm okay and feel fine, wanna shake sum ass even... then a few hours later I'm thinking of ending it all because whats the point I ruin everything I drive everyone away. No one ever stays. I have no friends and it seems my boyfriend hated me the whole time we were together. I woke up crying this morning. My heart just hurts and my body feels numb and my eyes won't stop being teary. I don't feel like eating, getting out of bed, even waking up. I just wanna sleep for weeks straight until I can wake up once everything is better. Or die. Because whats the point.

Why am I never good enough

Another bad day. My boyfriend still won't answer his phone. Pretty sure be blocked me this morning because it does a half ring then goes to voicemail. Yesterday I was calling and texting him to pick me up from work because I was having a horrible horrible migraine, felt like I was gonna vomit and could barely open my eyes, but he wasn't answering the phone or texting me back. And today it seems like he blocked me.

What am I doing wrong that my own boyfriend can't be there for me and BLOCKS me for it!?!?! Am I such a horrible disgusting person!? I feel like the biggest loser in the world. It was embarrassing when I was calling him in front of my coworkers just for then phone to never pick up. So embarrassing. And I was already crying from the migraine pain but that would make me cry even harder everytime he didn't answer.

My car isn't even working for me to go drive by his house and see whats going on. I hate myself and clearly I don't deserve anything good in life. I ruin everything all the time. I drive people away with my presence. I'm weird and off putting. No one will ever truly love me. Really wish I was born normal and lovable. Thats all I want. My boyfriend won't even be there for me when I'm sick and need him, that has to say a lot about me. I'm s disgusting person