Day 5: The "I don't want to post" post.

I'm writing you from day 6. The withdrawl symptoms are kicking in hard. I don't want to post this. I didn't want to post yesterday. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I have headaches now, which previously I never got headaches. Part of my mind is screaming at me. "Just go do it, you'll feel better." "It's just one time." The rest of my mind feels numb or even non-existent. Worst of all, I am sad. My oldest asked me yesterday if I was sad. My answer was that sometimes grown-ups get sad and there is no reason for it. It's nothing her or her sister said or did, and not to worry about it. That I still loved her and her sister and that that makes daddy's day 100 times better. There is obviously a reason. I feel shakey. Coffee. Coffee sounds great. I edged a few times yesterday, arguing with myself that my phone was at 1% when I headed off to the shower, what could I really get accomplished? A lot. The porn addiction is still rampant, however it is dying slowly. I have downgraded from movies, to pictures and gif's. Not terribly kinky, as when addicted, the "next hottest thing" is always a little more filthy. (Skip this line if you are having problems) The worst niche now, is revenge. Typically meaning, cheating husbands. I'm not proud of it. I'm disgusted with myself. Even when I found out of my wife's infidelity, I couldn't bring myself to find revenge. I do love her, so much. The only touch I have ever longed for was hers. It is hers. Yesterday, my oldest had the day off from school. I feel bad that I couldn't be happier with both kids around. I tried. I made sure we did most of what she wanted to do. I need to do this. The pain now will be nothing later when it is gone. With the negatives off my chest, there are some positives. I am proud to currently be on day 6, completing the first 5 days. Some could argue, edging is a relapse. I beg to differ. There were times I would force myself to orgasm, even when I didn't want to, even when I wasn't aroused. Look at it this way. Some who fight to stop smoking, switch to vaper. Is vaper good for you? No, you are still putting something in your lungs that doesn't belong there. Is it better than smoking? Yes. So let's apply this logic. Is edging good for you? No. Is it better than achieving orgasm? Yes. I have kept to my smoking goals. 10, 9, 8, 7. Today on day 6, my goal is to only smoke 6 cigarettes. Funny coincidence. This does not help, don't get me wrong. If you are having problems with the reboot, if you are trying to stop smoking and if you are trying to stop drinking so much, it's hard to advise quitting all of these things at once. There is a war going on in my body. One benefit from no PMO (porn-masturbation-orgasm) is that, my feet feel more solid and planted in the ground. I don't have the urge to sit down all the time and be lazy. I feel like I stand taller and I assume this is why some say you look more confident; walk the walk sort of thing. The best benefit of all of this, my wife. There has been a lot of hard talks the past few days. Regardless of those, she ended 2-3 phone calls with "I love you" yesterday (day 5). Words I have been dying to hear her say for what seems like ages. I could've sworn she even uttered "babe" during one of the phone calls. I have clinged to this. I want this. I need this. This is going to push me through to the end. She was helping a friend move some stuff last night. I left her be, I didn't want to bug her and potencially causing an argument and pushing her away. But then, Out of no where, I get a text message with 1 small emoji, that was a kissy face. The only thing that would have made me feel better, is if she actually kissed me. Yes, our contact is still a void. No hugging, no kissing, no subtle touches or cuddling. But this gave me hope. Maybe some day she will kiss me again and mean it. Maybe some day she will hug me instead of simply hugging me back as she did for so long. Maybe some day she'll curl up to me for a good night sleep. Writing this blog helps. The reflection of how far I've come, helps. I woke up today, trying to pull myself out of bed to get the oldest ready for school. After cigarette 1 of 6, a cup of coffee and writing this, the day is brighter. Life really isn't as bad as it seems. I feel vitality and energy returning. If you guys are suffering. Push. Push with all you have. It's gonna be hard (no pun intended). No no, it's going to be shit. You are going to hate it. Push. If you need a friend, you will have a friend in me. I can be your contact, buddy or ally. Get into contact with me. Push. Thanks guys

More on Day 4

So family stuff done. Lunch consisted of more beer (I can't do Mexican food otherwise). Coming home I made my way to the bathroom after 2 cigarettes. Im now on 6 of 8 for the day. Vunerability. Sitting in the bathroom (everybody poops, get over it), I made the mistake of bringing my cellphone with me to keep me occupied. The urge came. I got "curious" and I had far too easy of access. This resulted in stimulation. Not going to lie, it felt amazing! I found myself searching for my various niches and fantasizing about times with my wife. I edged. I figured it was okay as long as I didn't achieve orgasm. But I'm playing with fire (no pun intended). 1 edge turned into 4 before my phone died. I then edged 2 more times fantasizing about my wife. I soon got control of myself and got out before I pushed too far. I'm twice as frustrated now. The pain in my lower gut came back. I feel like I've been kicked in the jewels. The aftermath is continuing to "research" things related to my niches. So frustrated. I WANT RELEASE! I started watching youtube videos and some twitch streams, trying to get my mind off the subject. Everything is arousing. The embarassment is watching a first person shooter video game playthrough and the act of reloading is even arousing. I'm ashamed at this point that I'm at this level (again, no pun intended). I love making people laugh. I love making my daughters laugh. I loved making my wife laugh. This has been my out. If I can cause someone pleasure from something silly I said or did, I guess it's a rush close to the dopamine rush from masturbation. The day count still goes on. The cigarette count still goes on. Luckily, I feel like I've drank enough the past 2 days that I don't really want another drink. Yet I'm not drunk, I'm not buzzed, it just doesn't appeal to me. This is rough. The past 3 days are nothing compared to today. I'm hitting the depression like feelings with withdrawl and I want to just sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. From this point on: No cellphone in the bathroom. No cellphone while in the shower. No cellphone when I am naked. The temptations are getting too strong, and while I can lock my phone and whatever else, I can always reverse it. Luke-warm "navy showers" and more time with the kids. I need to overcome this. Thanks guys

Day 4: eh...

Quick recap on the night of day 3. Small argument between me and my wife led me to heading out to find a watering-hole (bar). Problem was I lost my license recently and had only a paper ID. At least here, it's illegal to serve someone with an intrem (spell?) ID. So I went to the place I've gone before in hopes they would remember me and not card me. Success. I walked into the bar and it was packed. Bar, bar tables, everything. I was lucky to find a seat at the bar with people spaced one seat away on either side. I ordered and proceeded to watch the hockey game that I rarely get to catch. Kings won! Anyway, I sat there. Mad at the world, however happy to be sitting there with no masturbation for 3 days. I calculated that I would waste 10-15 minutes per session, times 4-5 times a day, I was wasting at most an hour and 15 minutes every day. Time 3, I've gained 3 hours and 45 minutes over the course of 3 days. Minor accomplishment, but hell I was proud. View from the ant hill may be better that flat ground, but it makes me curious what the view is from the top of the mountain! Inspiration to push forward. My posture was much better with this minor confidence boost and I felt like I could be happy on my own for the time being. Yes, beer was probably invovled with that feeling. Cue the date the guy to my left was waiting for. The lack of barstools left her sitting in the one next to me. Being polite, I made sure to scoot my stool over so she had more room and I didn't invade the bubble around said date. The tv I was watching the game was to my left, so my perifrials (could never spell that word right) were biased to the left where said date was taking place. Now, I am on day 3 at this point. Feeling pretty good about the small distance I've come sofar. I was drinking, which impairs. But... I noticed everytime he looked at his phone or the tv, she was stealing glances. Odd? From what I've read, this shouldn't happen for another week or so. One time was such an abrupt turn, I looked back at her like saying, "yes? Something the matter?" This seemed to startle her and maybe it was the feeling of "oh shit, I'm on a date, this doesn't look good." They soon paid and were on there way, no further glances. I then carried on a conversation with the bartender who was a nice guy, and a guy known by all of the bartenders as "dan the man" who was in his late 70's. Maybe it's simply constantly reading what others experience further down the line with a reboot that makes me want to feel that way (it could be the beer too), but I enjoyed talking to both gentlemen. By the end of the night I was on a first name basis with them. Good night. Okay, so day 4 (woops, went a little too long). Theres the urge. Morning wood. I woke up when my wife was getting ready for work, could not sleep. Between my boxers and lying on my stomach, the sensations made me want to satisfy myself in the worst way. Cue 1st cigarette of the day, at 5:30am. Great. Today is 8 cigarettes. Gonna be rough. I finally got to the point sitting uncomfortably in the cold that I was no longer aroused. I went back in, sat on the couch, watched my favorite youtuber and passed out. Plan for the rest of the day? Family stuff. The extended family that is. I've not really been one to enjoy all of my extended family. My wife won't be there, shes stuck at work. That doesn't help. I still love her with all of my heart. Yes, shes at work and there's no changing that. But going to family functions without her only amplifies the problems we face together now. I haven't told her my problem with masturbation, I'm mildly worried her reaction. Maybe I should tell her. Maybe that would bring some of oyr problems to the surface. I love her. I want the best for her. I want to see her smiling at me again. Thanks guys.

Day 3: Temptation vs. Experiment

The past few days, I've opted for what I've heard called a "Navy shower." Basically to keep from relapsing, I would turn on the shower, get wet, turn off shower, soap up, rinse and get out to immediately get dressed. This I like to think saves me from myself. I used to take long showers to fulfill my desire to relieve myself. This is day 3. To say that my mind isn't going crazy with lustful thoughts would be naive. Curious though, while my mind is going crazy and the discomfort in my lower gut (like getting knocked in the boys) was a problem to deal with, I didn't have an erection (sorry if this is a shock, but it's kind of what the blog is about). I picked up my phone and headed off to the frequented site, to do similiar to what I have done for so long, while taking a shower. (If you arehaving trouble with the reboot process, please skip this next paragraph as it may bring thoughts to your mind.) The front page came up and I picked 3 videos that seemed appealing. The reactions? Oh shes attractive, this wouldn't happen and she is beautiful. I started to feel the tingle I am so used to feeling, but nothing crazy. So I pushed the envelop further. I searched for a video I knew would do the trick (recovering or not, everyone knows what I'm talking about). Ah ok good. The plumbing does still work. I wonder how bad the craving is right now. I attempted, oh boy I attempted. Much more good feeling and start to finish would have been easy. But in my mind, I can't. (Welcome back if you ignored last paragraph) I'm not sure why I couldn't relapse. It does sound good, it would relieve the stress I carry. Why can't I do this? Trying to figure it out, I came to: I'm setting up for self control, It's only day 3 and the craving isn't terrible yet, or there is a greater purpose here; a happy family. I'll be sure to refer back to this as I figure it out. It's day 3. I'm on cigarette 7 of 9 for today (8 tomorrow). I am going to pour a tall beer or 2 and do my best to relax for the rest of the night. Good luck to you guys. Thanks again.

Down the Rabbit Hole I go. (Days 1-2 reboot)

Terrible at starting any blog posts personally, so I guess I will start from the beginning.

Back story. A few things that have gone on in my personal life a few years back pushed me into a sense of depression. Whether it actually was depression or not, I don’t know. It crept up on me and slowly felt like it destroyed my life; wanting to shut out my family, my girlfriend at the time (now wife), and my kids (worst part of all).

Don’t get me wrong, I still took care of the kids. I by no means neglected them. Just I wasn’t as happy as I should have been for them.

This went on for around 2 years. The reasoning behind it all was out of anyones control (times got very tough), as well as the “depression” (using the word from now on as a placeholder) was out of my control.

It finally started to get better. I recognized the problems and started to fix them.

Then the catalyst. My 2 year old daughter painted me a series of pictures in a book and gave me a big hug and kiss for the past fathers day. I cried. Not only at her sentiment, but that I felt like I missed part of her life. It was time to change.

My wife started a new career and was blazimg a trail to the top. Things were finally looking up for our family and moreso, I was coming to terms with this sadness and pulling out of it. I was smiling, happy, playing with the kids everyday, getting stuff done around the house. It’s been great.

The one thing that I took with me was masturbation. It is known to be a “stress reliever” and I had gone through so much stress. It started with once a day, and until recently graduated to 3-4 times a day. The addiction to stress relief.

About a week before Christmas, I found that (what I thought) the impossible happened. My wife had an affair. Talk about hard times. I have been completely devoted to this woman and now I had been betrayed. 4-5 times a day now.

Let’s tack on the enlistment paperwork I have been working on at the time.

Stressed, beyond all recognition.

She says the reason why it happened was because he reminded her of how I used to be. When she thinks about me, she thinks about the times we were happy. As far as I’m told, it has stopped. I want to believe her and her daily events as well as letting me know help, but still.

Now I’m faced with my family falling apart as I’m preparing enlistment paperwork. That situation requires me to now pull trust out of thin air with my wife, as I will be gone for awhile. Life is never fair.

But I’m pushing forward.

I read the other day, I don’t know why, about nature and the distinction between alpha males and beta males in the wild. I can’t remember where I read it, but it’s there somewhere. Basically it said, alphas generally have all the sex. The strongest mate so the babies will be strong which preserves the group. Betas generally “take care of business” on their own, which broadcasts to females that they are a beta; don’t have sex with them.

This brought the “no fap” or “reboot” back into play. I’ve always seen it online or on reddit,but it was hard to really get to it, because life is stressful. It’s worth a shot.

I have gained some terrible habits from all of this. Nearly a pack-a-day smoker, I drink a bit more than I should and aside from the past 2 days, masturbation has been up 4-5 times a day to cope with life.

I am starting this blog to display my trials to the world. To show how life can kick you in the gut and proceed to spit on you. But I need to learn to stand up and stay strong. My hopes is that you (the reader) can find inspiration in how my story unfolds.

Like the title says, I’ve gone through the first 2 days. I feel commited to this more than I ever have.

The first challenge I encountered was last night. My wife wanted to go hang out with her friend after work and I said that was fine. I told her I was planning for her to be home around midnight, to set a time in my head and keep my sanity while she was away.

1:00am.

I call her. No answer. No text message. Shes not coming home tonight.

I want to believe her. I think I kind of do. Doubt still very strong in my mind.

I tried to sleep. Couldn’t sleep.

I wanted to simply masturbate and pass out temporarily satisfied.

But, it didn���t happen. Somehow, I rolled on my side and just stared at the wall. Clearing everything out of my mind. Meditation? Maybe. But next thing I knew the sun was up.

Day 3 now.

I checked my phone again this morning. No text, no call. A deep sadness rises up in me. “Fuck it” I say as I pull myself up for the day. I go down to have my first cigarette of the day (I’m keeping track now), and I contemplate life.

We lost out connection. Masturbating won’t get it back. If anything, it will sever it more.

It’s a rough road. I feel exhausted. I have headaches (withdrawls?) that make me want to smoke more. At night they make me want to drink more. But one addiction can’t replace another.

I feel like a broken man. The only thing that brings light to my days is my kids smiles. But you know? Thats just enough to cope.

Not sure if I’ll post about the rest of the day. It’s saturday here, and its filled with all sorts of errands and whatnot to keep me busy. Still, I’m walking through temptations alley. I never looked at more women than I have today.

My standards feel lower as the slightest curve is attracting my attention, but I try to keep my cool.

The other thing I am using to aid is the android “NF companion,” which keeps exact time I have kept from it and makes it into sort of a game. My curiosity of the rank names that are currently “locked” make me want to push harder to find out. Kind of dumb, but very effective. I need anything at this point.

Thanks guys