it-was-yxu
DONT TOUCH ME
23 × he/they × traumatized, autistic & agoraphobic (amongst other things) ⚠️ This is a vent blog! Pls proceed with caution! Pls read my pinned post for more info ⚠️
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Unfortunately, I am alive, but I'm probably deleting this blog. maybe starting a new one idk. A bunch of my old posts keep getting reblogs and it's making me think about past shit moreso than usual and that's stacking on top of all the other shitty thoughts in my head. Every little thing has been piling.up lately. I was.manic for a while and now I think I've just bounced to the opposite end and high dived.into a pit of suicidal depression so yeah I'll either be deleting this blog or just abandoning it idk yet
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I don't care about anything anymore. Nothing's ever going to fucking get better for me I'm just done I don't fucking care anymore. Everyone's better off without me anyways.
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God please I just want to fucking die already. It's not like my life matters to anyone anymore anyway.
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I'm tired I don't want to fucking do this anymore no ones even talking to me anymore and I don't want to talk to them because what the fuck are my "problems" compared to theirs? I don't fucking do anything I don't work, no one has time to hang with me.or talk to me I'm a financial burden on my mother it would just be better for her and.evwurone else if I was just fucking gone
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I'd ask for help, but wtf is anyone.going to do for me? How could anyone help me? I can't afford therapy so wtf am I supposed to do? What could anyone do to help me? I can't do anything for my-fucking-self I'm so fucking sick of thiss
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No one goes out of their way to talk to me anymore.. I barely ever get responses from any of my friends and I get being busy butnit takes them days to a week to respond and usually just a couple words :/ Idk think everyone's just giving up on me, probably for the best, Im basically nothing at this point. I don't do anything, Im too scared to leave the house, too scared to live my life normally I can't work or get money I can't provide anything for anyone, not even myself, so why the fuck am I still here???
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1/2
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I am (once again) begging people to realize agoraphobia is NOT just social anxiety/GAD
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All I've been doing is laying in bed trapped between watching a TV show that I watched when I was 14 and doomscrolling and occasionally reading some fanfiction. I hate that I'm too scared to go out and do things on my own. I hate that my brain is spiralling because I know the winter depression is going to hit soon and once again, I won't know what to do about it but lay in my bed and watch TV and fuck around on my phone until I fall asleep and begin the cycle anew the next day, for months.
I'm exhausted and I don't even fucking do anything and it's not fair.
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I know there is beauty in the world
I know, I know, I know
But there is also so much suffering
And at times, the good may outweigh the bad, but the bad feels so much heavier
And I am frail & weak
The universe is not perfectly balanced, I know
I know because it is constantly rocking back & forth
Like a ship sailing through a hurricane,
Tossing me from one side to the other, constantly threatening to throw me over board
And I am fucking terrified of the ocean
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there is so much love in friendship, people forget that
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I feel like I’m already dead but I have to keep on living
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