One time my dad raised up his shirt and smacked his belly for a random stranger he thought was my sister’s husband and with parents like these who needs…emotional maturity and growth?

Did everyone know it’s motherflipping Monday? That means I have to flip my mother and I’m not a mother but I am now making Dad jokes so what is that?

Is Stone Phillips still around? What about Brian Williams? Remember he had that thing happen with that helicopter story or something and had to be taken off the news for a bit? That is how I remember that story, and it’s 3:30 AM and I am on a lot of pain medication, so I think it’s a good idea to just word vomit SEO stuff into the internet, because let me tell you guys: no one is gonna come to you unless you call to them so this is now my Chuck Klosterman Appreciation Blog omg I wanna be dicked down by that nerd so much and what is the term for when you are a lesbian but then like totally hetero for nerds only? What is that called?

I keep getting into trouble with the gay dudes in my life, so I think the stereotype about Lesbians and Gay dudes not getting along that I just found out about is totally true.

This one dude gave me these couches I am having issues with.

This other dude makes me feel bad with the Christmas cards he sends with him and his husband and their cute dogs and like fuck man I gotta text some people back.

One time a person said, “one time at band camp” in response to something I said and I totally blanked on where that was from, and just stared at them for a bit, and like…I am not so out of touch that I never saw American Pie, like…bloody hell I think that was the only movie ever that I had to tell my mother I was seeing something else, because it was so “inappropriate” my own mum would not let me see it at the time. My best friends mum? Could not have cared less, and bought the tickets for us. So, that was weird for my usually chatty self to completely clam up when she asked how, “Runaway Bride” was, and I was like….”uhhhh…”

Where do I leave the trail of internet sadness for my post-internet biopic on the HBO limited time series and does anyone watch MTV anymore? Is that still a channel? This one dude I be dating a long time ago said he was on there and I told my sister and she asked if anyone still watched MTV and I was like, “I’m sure someone does! The kids! People with TVs!” And I am very old and erudite ever since I was a wee lass, but we trying to get more immature as we get older and less with the stick up the bum but it’s not going well, people!

I need to remember what the touch of a woman is like. It has been so long.