Respawn

I have died many times over Each time I wake up I'll find new scars, and cuts, and burns My memory, a constant blur Sometimes it takes seconds Sometimes it takes forever But I come back I always do And despite of my scars, and cuts, and burns And my countless memories lost in the wind Never to return I take a stand And fight Until it's time for me to die again I have died many times over

Sanity's Eclipse

If you're familiar with DOTA 2, you'll know that this is Outworld Devourer's ult. It's funny how something commonly associated with the incessant toxicity of a MOBA teaches us so many lessons about heartbreak and depression. You see, in the game, Outworld Devourer (OD) has a skill which lets you steal intelligence from any hero hit by your projectiles. This particular hero has an insanely deep mana pool and can snap your whole team out of existence like a very very angry, floating, blue-colored Thanos. It might seem like a stretch but falling deeply in love and breaking your heart in the process is similar to trading blows with a well-fed, 6-slotted late game OD. You might think that it's effects will eventually wear out but in reality, it will slowly but surely drain you of your capacity for reason. In the early game, sure you can manfight an OD but as the endgame approaches, you'll realize that your higher mental functions were severely impaired by repeated attacks. You can barely cast spells to defend yourself let alone your teammates and your ancient, and before you know it, a Sanity's Eclipse will be cast down upon you, ending your miserable existence in this world. It is only by our sheer bad luck, that we can't buyback or respawn just like in the game, there are no fountains or salves or tangos that can heal you when you're hurt, and rage-quitting will get you a permanent ban.

When winter comes for war, You shall hear no Lions roar. When winter forces you to yield, No Stags shall graze upon the field. When winter creeps upon you from the shadows, No Roses shall bloom from the meadow. When winter wreaks havoc on the land, There will be no Snakes in the sand. When winter brings to life all it finds grim, The Krakens will freeze where they swim. When winter sets and the land begins to shiver, The Flayed Man will start to rot and wither. When winter fights to the last sliver, No more Trouts shall swim in the river When winter ravages and all despair, No Falcons shall fly high in the air. When winter shows you what happens when snow falls, Not even Dragons breath shall warm your halls. When winter comes with all its might, Only the Wolves shall howl in the night.

Sa aking pinakamamahal,

Mali ka. Hindi tayo pinagtagpo upang sa dulo ay ating mapagtanto na hindi ang isa’t isa ang nararapat nating iharap sa dambana. Hindi tayo ginabayan patungo sa isang pagmamahalan para lang matunghayan ang isang hindi nararapat na tadhana. Hindi tayo nakipaglaban, nasugatan, at bumangon para lang maranasan muli ang pighating kalakip ng pagkasawi. Hindi natin pinagsaluhan ang tamis ng mga salita sa umagahan, para lamang sa hapunan ay lunuking muli ang pait ng nagdaan. Buong puso kong iaalay sayo ang isang pag-ibig na handang ipaglaban at patunayan na mayroon pang halaga ang ating mga sumpaan. Walang pag-aalinlangan kong ibibigay ang sarili kahit pa sa huli ay may nagbabadyang kasawian. Hindi ka dapat magduda na nararapat para sayo ang aking mga salita, ngiti, pangarap, panaginip at bawat pagtibok ng puso.

Hindi tayo nagkasama sa gitna ng unos para lamang isabay sa buhos ang pagpatak ng mga luhang hindi batid ng daigdig. Hindi tayo nagsabay tumalon sa kawalan para lang sa paglapag ay magbakasakali sa ibang pag-ibig. Hindi kita inihatid para lamang sa huli ay maramdaman mong iniwan kita. Lumipas man ang mga araw na ubod ng saya, pakatandaan mong hindi magbabago ang aking pagsinta. Hindi ka dapat mangamba na sa pag-abot mo ng iyong mga pangarap ay mabibitawan mo ang puso kong iyong hawak, bagkus ay pahihintulutan kitang ilapag ito at matiyaga akong mananabik sa pagbabalik mo. 

Hindi kita niyakap para lamang maramdaman mong ikaw ay binilanggong walang paglilitis sa aking mga bisig. Mahal, buong puso akong naniniwala na tanging sa kalayaan mo lamang matatagpuan ang mga patunay sa ating pag-ibig. Hindi tayo nangahas mangarap sa umaga, tanghali, at takipsilim bawat araw para lamang sa muli mong paggising ay maramdaman mong hindi tayo magkasama sa bawat laban.

Hindi ko man hawak ang bukas, nais kong pagkatiwalaan mo ang aking pangako na ilang ulit kong pipiliing mabuhay at pumanaw upang patunayan sa iyong mali ka.

Hindi tayo pinagtagpo upang sa huli ay mapagtanto na walang puwang ang tayo sa pagitan ng ikaw at ako

Mananatiling ikaw ang aking simula, gitna, at dulo

Nagmamahal, Anthony

  Binigyang inspirasyon ng Liham ni Andres Bonifacio kay Oryang, ika-1 ng Mayo, 1897

OUR DEEPEST FEAR

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small Does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, As children do. We were born to make manifest The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others.

Untitled #1

"You love him, don't you?" the narcissist asks and suddenly everyone in the beer-soaked room became sober in half a heartbeat. The girl's drunken smile faded into a melancholic frown -- a frown he's very much familiar with. In their years together, he had come to memorize every detail of her expressions and movements. He knew that this is the face she makes when she's about to tell a lie because she's afraid of the pain that follows after her words depart from her lips. Deep down he wanted his finely-tuned senses and all those years of being with her to fail. Suddenly, he wanted to be mistaken.

He was breaking but he acted like it was nothing and no one in the room can see past his facade -- no one except the girl who now stares at him with nothing but sadness.

He silently prayed for her to hug him and tell him how wrong he was and that he was just drunk. He wanted her to prove him wrong but instead, the girl remained silent and her eyes left his.

From her silence he found his answer.

The girl looked to her left, the same way she does when she tries to avoid the boy's gaze or the scent of his perfume or his warm smile whenever they're together. She wanted to hug him and tell him how wrong he was

but he wasn't.

The Way

“Have you ever thought of leaving her and going your separate ways?"

"Of course. There were times that such thoughts kept me awake at night.”

"What stopped you, then?“

"The way she ignores me whenever I walk past her in hallways. The way she opens my messages and never replies. The way she drops my every phone call in the middle of the night. The way she looks away whenever I look upon her eyes. The way she speaks about this other guy and how much she loved him."

"That sounds painful."

"Yes. Then there’s the way she smiles at my smallest gestures. The way she listens to my stories with genuine interest. The way she laughs at my worst jokes. The way she looks at me when I’m looking away. The way she speaks about me and how happy she is to be by my side.

I would often lose her to my jealous thoughts, to my high hopes, to my insecurities and nightmares, and everything that lies in between. I would often lose her to her past that still haunts her every dream. I would often lose her… And then I’ll find the way back."

02/18/17

Sa ating dulo

Hindi naging sapat ang pag-ibig  Pati na rin ang mga salita Nakikinig na lamang sa'yong tinig Sa iba'y nakikibalita  Sa bilis ng bawat araw na dumaraan Tila ba'y di na makasunod ang nararamdaman Hindi na rin malaman Kung may hinahabol ba o may tinatakbuhan Sa umaga'y malimit kong inuuwian Ating mga ala-ala, pangako't sumpaan At sa paghimbing kinagabihan Pagbisita mo sa panaginip ay inaabangan Hindi ko na alam kung ano nang tatahakin Kung tuluyan na bang lilimot at liliko O kung ikaw pa ba'y hihintayin Sa lugar kung saan minsan tayo'y pinagtagpo Marahil ay bunga ng pagiging makasarili Ang nadadamang pagkalito't pagkabagabag Marahil kaya't di mapakali Dahil nga mali ang hinahangad Siguro nga ay darating rin ang mailap na kasagutan Kung bakit tila ba naging bingi ang kalangitan Sa gabi-gabi kong panalangin na 'wag kang lumisan Siguro nga na sa gitna ng bumalot na kadiliman Kasabay ng iyong pagkawala  Ako rin ay maliliwanagan 

Sampung Bagay na Natutunan ko mula sa mga Umiibig

Pang-sampu 

Mahalin mo pa siya. Sa tingin, sa tanaw,  Mula sa abo na iniwan ng inyong apoy, Mahalin mo pa siya. Pero kung ang pakpak ng pag-ibig ay naging gapos na, Kapag ang dating langit sa puso mo ay naging kulungan na, Mahalin mo siya sa huling pagkakataon, Pagkatapos, bitaw na 

- An Excerpt from Juan Miguel Severo’s piece

Pangangailangan

Kung mga luha ko ang didilig sa puso mong nauuhaw,  bagyo ang mananalasa sa mga mata ko. Kung kailangang hagkan ko ang dilim para lang magbalik ang liwanag mo,  handa ang aking mga braso sa pilat at pasong iiwan nito. 

Kung kailangang isuko ang bait para lang kumapit ka pa nang mas mahigpit, mahal buong tapang kong tititigan ang kawalan nang hindi pumipikit.   Kung kailangang pumanaw ng puso ko nang paulit-ulit, handa akong ibaon na rin ang lahat ng naimbak na pait, sakit, at galit. Kung kailangang lumayo ako dahil yun ang makakabuti sayo, sasanayin na lang ang sariling mahalin ka mula sa malayo. Hanggang sa pumikit na nang kusa ang mata Hanggang sa mangalay at lumupaypay na ang mga bisig Hanggang tuluyan nang magsiluwagan ang mga turnilyo Hanggang sa mapagod, hingalin, at mapatid na ang puso. Sana. Sana lang. Sa pagkatumba at pagkauntog ay magising na rin ako.

Music Wisdom #1

Hanggang sa dulo ng ating walang hanggan Hanggang ang puso'y wala nang nararamdaman Kahit matapos ang magpakailanpaman Ako'y maghihintay sa ngalan ng pag-ibig

- Sa Ngalan ng Pag-ibig by December Avenue

Movie Wisdom #2

"When you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are."

- Drax the Destroyer (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2)

Untitled Shitty Narrative #1

"You love him, don't you?" the narcissist asks and suddenly everyone in the beer-soaked room became sober in half a heartbeat. The girl's drunken smile faded into a melancholic frown -- a frown he's very much familiar with. In their years together, he had come to memorize every detail of her expressions and movements. He knew that this is the face she makes when she's about to tell a lie because she's afraid of the pain that follows after her words depart from her lips. Deep down he wanted his finely-tuned senses and all those years to fail. Suddenly, he wanted to be mistaken.

He was breaking but he acted like it was nothing and no one in the room can see past his facade -- no one except the girl who now stares at him with nothing but sadness.

He silently prayed for her to hug him and tell him how wrong he was and that he was just drunk. He wanted her to prove him wrong but instead, the girl remained silent and her eyes left his.

From her silence he found his answer.

The girl looked to her left, the same way she does when she tries to avoid the boy's gaze or the scent of his perfume or his warm smile whenever they're together. She wanted to hug him and tell him how wrong he was

but he wasn't.

A Coward’s Paradox

Love was unkind to me So I learned to love in hiding To love in secret To love behind walls and amongst shadows To love whilst running away

And amidst the chaos of my ever-arduous journey I saw you, doing exactly the same Love was unkind to you, too

I saw you… And suddenly love was kind again

So I loved you in hiding In secret Behind walls and amongst shadows Whilst running away

A Coward’s Confession

“Did you remember when you asked me what I felt about you?” My words were accompanied by the tune of the busy market There were vendors yelling prices, cars loudly passing by And my loud voice was reduced to nothing but a whisper “What?” She asked me, confused. She didn’t hear me “This is for you,” I told her as I hand her a torn envelope, “Goodbye” I didn’t wait for a reaction or a reply I walked away and vanished amidst the crowd

Unsaid Feelings

What would you do, If I told you I love you? Would you run and hide Or worse, say goodbye? These unsaid feelings of mine It hurts and I don’t feel fine But I’l keep it in and smile Just to be with you for a while I know I shouldn’t feel like this Shouldn’t want to feel your kiss But baby you got me goin’ crazy And I don’t know who can save me I’m stuck in this stupid daydream Where you chose me instead of him But I know it’s just wishful thinking And I don’t want to see you leaving Don’t know if I should hold on Don’t know if I should move on All I know is that I love you And I wish you’d love me too Though I know that you’ll never do Cuz I’m just a best friend to you So promise me this one last thing You’ll be happy, my love  And find the peace you’ve been seeking.  - To Ian’s unrequited love Words by: Diana Faye Cabatingan and Ian Manuel (12/18/16)

Liham ni Andres Bonifacio kay Oryang 1897 Mayo 1

Mahal kong Oryang,

Mali ka. Hindi kita nakasalubong upang sa dulo ng kalsada, ako ay liliko sa kanan at ikaw sa kaliwa. Sapagkat saan man tayo dalhin ng ating pakikibaka, ikaw lang ang aking itatangi at makailang ulit na ihaharap sa pulang bandila. Hindi tayo nagpalitan ng mga kwento upang sa pinakahuling tuldok ng pangungusap, ang karugtong ay alingawngaw ng katahimikan. Walang pagod kitang aawitan ng imnong pambayan, Oryang. Hindi kailanman ako mauubusan ng salita upang maialay sa iyo bilang mga tula. Maging ang bulong at buntung-hininga’y magpapahayag ng pagsinta sa tulad mong umiibig din sa bansa.

Hindi tayo sabay na tumawa, nagkatinginan, at tumawa pa nang mas malakas, upang sa paghupa ng halakhak ay may butil ng luha na mamimintana sa ating mga mata. Loobin man ng Maykapal na pansamantala tayong magkawalay, tandaan mong ang halakhak at sigaw ng ating mga kasamahan ay sa akin rin. Hindi ka dapat masabik sa akin sapagkat ako’y mananatili sa iyong piling.

Hindi kita niyakap nang ilang ulit upang sa pagkalas ng mga braso ko sayo ay maramdaman mong iniiwan kita. Habambuhay akong magiging tapat sa ating panata, Oryang. Kapara ng binitawan kong sumpa sa ngalan ng bayan, tayo’y mananatiling katipun, kawal, at bayani ng ating pagmamahalan. Hindi tayo bumuo ng mga alaala sa umaga, tanghali at gabi upang sa muli mong paggising ay maisip mong hindi tayo nagkasama sa pakikidigma.

Hindi ko man hawak ang bukas, nais kong tanganan mo ang aking pangako na ilang ulit kong pipiliing mabuhay at pumanaw upang patunayan sa iyong mali ka. Hindi ako bumati sa simula upang sa huli ay magpaalam.

Ikaw ang aking bayan,

Andres

*Ibinigay ni Julio Nakpil ang liham na ito kay Oryang ilang gabi makalipas ang pagpaslang kay Andres sa Maragondon. Source: PUP FB Page