Suddenly… I miss you again. After all this time…

Somehow I have an illusion that you knew my true self. I didn’t have time to pretend. I was just the way I am. And you liked it. Do I miss you or myself without pretending?

Oh…

Whatever it is I miss it so much

I just watched Hang the DJ series of Black Mirror again. The one I watched with you…

So … You didn’t want to break system with me. So… does it mean you’re not the one?

I figured out that I’m ok when I’m on my high energy. And I’m fucking dying when I’m low.

I’m fucking dying. And I miss You. I almost don’t remember you. Just pain. Oh I remember pain so damn good.

Fuck

Tinder says you are getting closer and closer.

And it scares me somehow. I am used to you being far away not wanting me. But being close… Damn, will it hurt again? Please no..

You watch my stories again. Why?

You, studying Ukrainian was the most adorable thing I saw today.

You are so smart and sexy

Damn

Today I was on psychology training. It’s called Choice. 14h daily, 3 days in a row. I had a terrible week at work and 5 days of psychotherapy studies before. No weekend. I had almost no sleep. I was (and still am) so fucking tired and stressed. And it’s one of the strategies of training- to make you feel tired and stressed so you get emotional.

I got emotional today. And I was thinking about you. I felt the pain I was trying to avoid. In all it’s glory.

In the end of the day, at 11 pm after 14h of work we had to play a difficult game. I was so exhausted. We didn’t get the rules right. After our trainer told us “Game Over” we were so disappointed that we didn’t have enough time. And he said - you knew how much time for game you had, but with life - you don’t have such luxury. Death will come without notifying.

And he was right. And I heard it for million times. But this time it was different. I felt so much pain… because my last days I chose to suffer. Because of you. Because of your choice.

You’ve made a choice based on tons of reasons. But you made it and made it clear. Now it’s time for me to make a choice how to react on it… How to feel. I’ve chosen to suffer. To feel pain. To be sad. To be a victim. I’ve chosen to be a victim a million times throughout my whole life. That’s what I do.

And I don’t want to suffer anymore. I choose life. I choose happiness.

I cannot choose not to Love you. But I can choose to feel pain because you don’t love me back. Or not.

I choose happiness. I choose life. And if I will have an opportunity and option to choose happiness with you - I will do that. Until that time… I choose happiness without you.

God bless you and your choices. May you always choose happiness.

When you told me “It might sound weird but.. I missed you”.

I knew exactly what you were talking about because I felt the same.

But don’t you miss me now? When you have choice.. to have me or to miss me. Why would you choose second one?

I missed you before I even met you. Now.. I miss you thousand times more.

So… we will never meet again?

You are in Dnipro and you didn’t tell me. But... you promised... Or not... I don’t remember.

I don’t know why I am surprised. After knowing you are looking for another date in Kyiv. I just... didn’t think it will happen so fast. I was not ready. But you can’t be ready for that.

You will see I watch your stories. Will you feel anything? Will you think that I was waiting? That I wanted to see you. That I would be there in 10h after you texted me one message. That we could meet tomorrow’s sunset together... if you only wanted to. It doesn’t matter because you don’t want me. And you know what? It’s fine. I’ve lost this battle. I’ve lost many battles. You were the only one who didn’t use my vulnerabilities. I respect that. Thank you. You treated me well. I cannot complain.

I wish you to have a nice rest. And get what you want to get. Some good sleep, good time, good date, good sex. Whatever you want. You deserve it.

I still have that feeling that I don’t want to mention again. But I choose not to suffer from it. I choose to rise.

May we both rise.

I am not texting you drunk anymore.

I’m texting drunk here.

A win is a win!

I’ve deleted all photos of me I’ve sent you. I felt so ashamed. Why did send them? I thought… you would feel the same way I would feel if you sent me your photos. I’m not even talking about nudes… But damn I miss your body 😭

Anyway. I am so ashamed I had to delete them. I just feel so vulnerable. And you… You are not. You’ve put your armour before you even left. Our last date was me trying to reach you though your armour but I failed.

I have one question. Did you save your cake passport because of me or just because you liked the cake?

I Love you.

I hate to say this after all of it. I feel guilt. I feel miserable. And I fight this feelings because that’s not how Love should feel like. So I’m fighting it. I’m not going to bother you with my Love.

Still I Love you

I pray for you before I go to bed.

I don’t pray for 10 years now at all.

And now… I pray for you.

Your las stories are horrifying. Because of that fucking drones you are in even more danger.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

I hate war

I hope you had some rest.

May your spirit clear your path from the things you don’t need to witness 🙏🏼

Sending you the warmth and energy that I radiate because of the feelings I have to you.

What an interesting thing I realised… that you going to other dates rather than seeing me… didn’t basically change a thing.

I still have feelings, I wish you all the best and I pray for you every day.

So my question is - does it prove that that is Love, or it proves it’s something opposite?