thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

My dad sends me. Doctor Who character analysis sometimes and here's his latest:

11, more than any other Doctor, is the reason that River says, "Never let the Doctor see you get older." Rose, Martha, Amelia, Clara, Billie, Ryan, and Yaz are all young, all full of a sense of wonder for the things that the Doctor shows them. Donna is an adult. She first decided to become a companion because she was in a rut and wanted to run away from that. So 10 thought she would be like the the others. On their first trip, 9 showed Rose the end of the Earth. When she assumes that he is going to save the Earth, he corrected her. Stating that this is an unchangeable event. From the beginning, he trains her not to question his judgement on what he says cannot be changed. Donna was too old to fall for that and pushes back constantly. Okay, so you can't save everyone in Pompeii, then just save one person. It isn't an all or nothing proposition. He learned from that and tried to do better. Until he got too arrogant and tried to save someone he really should have let die. But then he became 11, the Doctor who forgets. The one who keeps running away more than any other. 200 years running away from Lake Silence. Years in a cloud over Victorian London. Years spent in a monastary.

If he can't save everyone, then fine. He won't save anyone.

Then he became 12, with a face to remind him of Donna's lesson.

scarlet witch

the thing is that war should always be reluctant. no one should want to fight. legolas and gimli and aragorn don't want to kill the orcs, they just want to to save merry and pippin. gandalf does not want to fight the balrog, he wants to pass through moria unharmed. aragorn doesn't even want to take power from the stewards of gondor, he just wants the people to have a stable leader. faramir says it best when he hopes that one day they will tell stories, sitting on a wall in the sun, laughing at old grief. we just want better times. we just want to be happy. we don't want to fight, we only fight because we have to. because they are forcing us

Jack Gaughan’s cover art for the unauthorized 1965 paperback editions of ‘The Lord of the Rings’

4 illustrations for Aragorn and Legolas

Found online.

This shot from The Two Towers looks like a renaissance painting. Frodo lifting the Elvish rope over Gollum's neck, both of them stunned by Frodo's merciful nature. Gollum's eyes in shadow, because that is all that he has known for so long. Sam standing in the light and holding the rope, presented as the voice of reason to Frodo's voice of compassion. A pained expression on Sam's face, as if he can already foresee how this will end. Incredible cinematography.

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

another reminder to stop buying/watching/reading anything JK Rowling associated

the purest form of serotonin is when a cat looks at u and u go like “what?” and it meows at u

One thing I love about the Silmarillion is that because it’s so massive, its fans have to specialize.

Like I love everything but my Silm major is in Finrod studies, with a minor in obscure background characters.

Reblog this post with your Silmarillion “speciality,”

Do you think Ian and Barbara fully understand that without them the universe would cease to exist

I've met him in person btw and he's a fucking sweetheart

[ID: Text-intensive Twitter thread from the Shapeshifters chest binders Twitter account in reply to a post by artist and author Ursula Vernon. Vernon says, A non-zero number of you apparently did not know that The Last Unicorn was a book before it was a movie. It is by Peter S. Beagle. It is made of spun glass and fairytales and iron knives and there are individual lines that I would give my lungs to have written. Shapechangers replies, I saw him every year at NYCC for several years straight, bought something at his table, asked him to sign it, and we spoke. He remembered me from year to year, no small feat at that con. He remembered which stories he'd told me. One year I came back with a different gender on. He squinted at me a bit and said thoughtfully, "I've seen you before in this place." All I had to say was, "last year you told me the story about the inoshishi." And his face cleared, and he leaned in with a grin and told me about a German guitarist who he traveled with, twice. Who transitioned between the first and second time, so he'd gotten to meet this person all over again on the second round. It was a wonderfully kind way to let me know that everything was fine. I was fresh out of the closet and I needed that, and maybe he could see it. The Last Unicorn is the best book in the world and I will defend it and its author til I die. the end. /end ID]

I don't usually talk about celebrities; artists, when I do, and I'm keenly aware that one needn't be a good person to be a hell of a heartwrenching artist. But Peter S. Beagle has written a few of my favorite things in the world, he's an excellent singer and filker, and this Twitter thread was dreadfully important to me. I don't want it going away as Twitter becomes Shitter, because it's so often bad news, isn't it? It's important to me to share trans joy.

A recent painting I did as a thank you for someone.  They requested Eowyn in armor, which I’ve always wanted to paint anyway. 

My Star Trek friends, reblog with your favourite most ‘out of context’ Star Trek image

I’ll start: