Dry humping turns me on so much. Just the feeling of someone rutting against me with only a few layers of fabric between us. Them bending me over and showing me how it would feel to have them thrusting into me. Letting me grind on their lap, guiding my hips up and down like I’m riding them. The tease of it, the desperation of trying to get just a little more friction, the feeling of being so close, but not close enough. Holy fuck it gets to me.

Real amateur couples

i started talking to my ex again after a year. Literally . I used his bday as an excuse to wiggle my way back in there for some dick. 😂

I knew what I was doing I've never done something like that before I noticed my behavior and just went with it. Fuck it the only con of the entire situation is we live in FL.

I'm trying this thing where I don't tell people in my life my business . And yea this is the internet but idk y'all you don't know me and we just out here surfing .

The telling people my business shit is totally something I get from my mom ... The worse person I know personally and it sucks. I wish I was more reserved . At this point I'm so chatty that when I'm quiet people think it's weird.

speaking of connecting to your twin flame. There's a background story before I expressed this.

I was a neglected child. My childhood was basically the plot of Matilda only. There was no Miss honey and my mom was always present. Just not emotionally or mentally. I think that's why in my teens in early 20s I used to imagine that I was laying in bed with someone. I loved having conversation literally makes me feel like a crazy person saying that to the world. But guess it was a coping mechanism to feel like someone cared for my well-being.

in my 20s I used to do a lot of Xanax Adderall drink and smoke all together the holy trifecta and it was a way to not only manage my anger, my stress, my anxiety, my insecurities. It was a way to just shut all the voices in my head up and sleep because I had the worst kind of insomnia. I would get 2 hours of sleep a night. But then I discovered fight club and I watched that every night for a year I would sleep to it. Wake up, shut the TV off. Sometimes I would have nightmares or I would get stuck between realms and there would be these. Like I don't know monsters that would chase me. They were similar to like Sabrina chilling adventures when you astral project. But they weren't birds. It was a lot more traumatic.

a couple of times had a dream about this. Very very handsome man and he helped me get out of that realm one time. He got me out of a couple of shitty situations and every time I knew that I knew trusted and loved this person. But I also thought it's just this person in a dream my brain made up. In my late 20s I meet this man and I instantly know it's him. It's the fucking guy from my dream and it's wild. I never say anything. He looks at me one day and he says I've met you many times before our quartz crystals were literally each other's halves 3k miles away.

but felt like a lifetime of knowing each other was disrupted by his stupidity. One of the best kissers of all time. Definitely there was this like love and respect and safety. I'd never felt with this person and they broke my heart and betrayed me. We were literally mentally connected psychically and the weirdest way but he used to always know if he was thinking about me or what he was doing. I would call him to confirm. I think it freaked both of us out.

somewhere along that relationship it clicked. That person that I created as a child to keep me comfort in my bed was actually him. That feeling went away when I met him. Yeah, I still had that coping mechanism into my twenties. It's embarrassing and shameful. there's definitely a clinical term for it.

Well anyway we haven't spoken in about 7 years. He was petty and hurtful and ignorant and took advantage of my kindness and my forgiveness so many times that I think I'm scarred in some way. Like I don't trust myself and I don't trust him That was the most vulnerable of a person I've ever been. That is the damn truth. I need shit on me.

I haven't thought about him for really long time and lately he's been heavy on my mind I literally hear his thoughts. I'm waiting for him to reach out. He's super stubborn. I know he's going to it always happens this way. And the coping mechanism came back but it's not a random person. It's him. He's left me alone because I've asked him to in another round. And that's itself is a crazy thing I've ever said

A few years ago when I would dream it would be this big empty black room and me and him and he would always try to like touch my shoulder. Give me a hug or touch my hair and I would tell him to leave me alone. Stop touching me and I woke up my mom one night screaming stop touching me. And it was so embarrassing she came in my room like I was a kid and said" who's touching you". My mother thought I was being hurt by an intruder or molested in the past. And then I was in the hospital and they gave me really good drugs that I didn't want to take because my threshold would drop and I couldn't psychically protect myself.

I don't want him back in my life. Takes a lot for me to get rid of people when I make up my mind. There's no going back. It was a long time coming. It was like a drug addiction. I got rid of him and that's where I want him to stay

I don't talk about this much, but what a better place to talk about it and a place where no one knows me on the internet.

I bought a tektite rock a few years ago and I don't wear it often because it jumbles my brain. It's supposed to be a stone to assist with astral past lives and balancer. Thoughts. Well it's been quite the opposite. Everything is so loud. I've dreams of lives. I guess I've lived. I psychically can feel my ex-boyfriend who is my twin flame. Thinking about me and that one is extremely extremely fucking annoying.

well I had the sudden urge to part and start locking my hair like I've wanted you for quite some time. I magically knew exactly how to part it even though I've never done this before. I knew exactly what to use. And the more I see myself with this style I feel like I'm finally becoming the person in my spirit. I look at myself and I don't recognize myself. I see a person I was once in a past life and it's really fucking with me. I've been avoiding the mirror. I don't know who that person is. I literally don't even see me.

thinking about it. I will be only person in my present day family to accept the true nature of our people. Try to learn our native language that my grandma took with her to the grave. Have my natural hair and it's natural state, one layer and one of the only people in our family to know the true history of our people because I'm consistently educating myself and reading.

and the worst part is reading some of those things. There are flashbacks I get of a a life that is currently not this one. And I know I sound crazy. But I lived before Columbus arrival. I lived through prosecution. I've lived many times. I've been lynched a few of them. I've been shot in the back. I've been headstrong in every single one of them. My hatred for men and using them as sexual beings literally comes from my life in the late 1800s where I poisoned men. I don't even know how I know these things. I've tried to do research nothing clicks. I just know who I was and it makes me sound crazy and it makes me isolate myself because I can't connect with people.

I am exhausted. Emotionally physically exhausted of living. I feel like every time I come back to this planet it's just the same shit different time and it's exhausting.

I just finished a mortal instruments for the third time in the last 15 years. I'm so heartbroken and bothered and pissed off It's the autism. I found something to become obsessed with once again and now it's over and I'm depressed. I want to give in so bad and watch the TV show and then I'm like they really fucked that up. Like really bad. I don't know how you could have had to eat seasons but you only had three cuz you fucked up. The movie is equally as bad but if they would have just followed the books like they're written down. Lots of thought. Went into Cassandra's work. They could have had a whole show and then two side series. But no no no no someone fucked up.

they could have included the bane chronicles in these characters show and then had a side show for Simon with the Shadowhunters academy. Then had the one for Helen and jewels and then if they wanted to do a prequel that could have done that too. Tessa and Zachariah. They fucked up.

I've never written a show before but I feel almost dedicated to the cause right now. Imagine this is how I make my millions 😂

Sometimes when people talk to me about their relationships. Guys they're flirting with. Marriages I just want to scream in their face mid sentence. That's literally where I am currently. I'm a ticking bomb.

I've read it a million times by now but,

I'm in love with immortal instruments. I wish they would accurately do a show or movie series. They did us dirty AF BOTH times.

I also know I'm in my 30s but Ive been in love with jace since I was 17 . It's totally heathy 😑

i need to start writing more. I actually feel as if I'm going a little off the rails. I have sm PTSD from way back in the day so I try to keep myself as hidden on the internet as possible. If you know me you've found my fb I haven't been on in 2 yrs. My ex had my IG flagged and I lost old videos and photos of my now dead dog and that can never be forgiven. I don't make tt's. Yep. I said it . It took me 3 yrs to download it and when I did 2 stitches. And never used it again. I could say it's because my camera is broken (program update failed me) but who am I kidding I woul Ive def never made another video🤣. I've become a recluse. And while it's lonely it's kinda nice. My dad who doesn't look at me or talk to me and mother with victim mentality/ no boundaries is enough drama. I know it's so controversial but God I can't wait til they die.

It's so hard to be happy for others when your lifted they didn't include you.

My friend are like we're saving for Paris... maybe I wanted to go to Paris. Maybe I want to travel. Wait didn't I ask these people to get a passport to go to the Bahamas on a 2hr ferry ride and they made excuses?

😒😒 I genuinely hate everyone.

Don't crush oxys

*crushes oxy*

rant number2

I've been very very lonely very lonely. I don't see my friends enough I don't even really feel like anyone actually likes me I feel like I'm a problem in the world. I also broke up with my boyfriend 8 months ago because he made some racist comments for getting that he sticks his dick in a black and brown girl. And that made me really sad because that always seems to be the issue with the reasons why I break up with most of my boyfriends because they're low-key racist.

I'd like to think I have a fantastic personality my brain is filled with lots of knowledge skills and facts and movies and shows and books but no one finds me interesting. People tell me that I'm intimidating wow what a fucking great compliment that makes me feel fantastic. I am a woman and I just want to be treated as a woman I want to be told that I'm beautiful I want somebody to be like hey babe I was thinking about you I bought you flowers hey there's this really cool restaurant would you like to go check it out hey I saw this today and I thought you would like it I bought it for you. Hey I know you like to just go sit on the beach and paddle board so I rented a some paddle boards. But no I am single I have no prospects no one finds me interesting and it comes to a point where you start questioning your own existence.

I have body dysmorphia so the first thing I question is oh my God I'm fat and disgusting ew look at the stretch marks on my belly that came out of nowhere I never even have children it's kind of embarrassing. Oh maybe because I don't shave my arms and I look like a hairy beast oh maybe it's my nose I'm not your your your eurocentric kind of looking girl. And I know that most people don't care about that shit that's just shit that's in my head from growing up in the early 2000s in a shitty world. And the only man who are attracted to me are either over 60 who think I'm going to be there perfect little pretty house wife that keeps my mouth shut or they're 25 years old and makes me feel like an old behemoth in my thirties who can't find anyone in her age group to date because they all have that early 2000s mentality where they have this like perfect girl in their minds that's like their mom with the worst expectations in women and I can't even deal with having a conversation with them. I'm Literally in fucking limbo.

my worst fear is having a relationship with someone who's exactly like my dad who's literally the worst human being I have ever met and I've met some shitty ones in my time. I would rather die old and single although it would be wonderful to have someone to do things with while all my friends around me are getting married having kids moving in with boyfriends making milestones and I'm like a kid still living with my parents in my thirties with four cats. I'm a fucking stereotype. I'm feeling defective like there's something wrong with me. I'm really pushed for my two friends to start dating and now I'm just a fucking fart in the wind no one calls me they act like I live this extremely busy life when really I just go to work and come home but the both of them are consistently texting smelling each other's farts live together but they can't go out to dinner with me and their other roommate who were all friends with great job. My friend also won't go to the beach with us anymore or water parks or adventures go with their boyfriend and leave the rest of us home. In fact They went to the Renaissance Fair and didn't even tell me so I could request off and go and I've never been a little really have the worst people in my life

I need better friends that I can talk to and they engage versus me just talking. I would also love a therapist but economically financially that isn't happening. I also feel like I could check myself into the psychiatric ward for about a week as a vacation it's terrible that I would see a psychiatric ward as a vacation.

I can't talk to my mom because she's a narcissist so every time I talk to her everything's about her. She will start talking to me about groceries when I'm talking to her about wanting to die. My dad he lives with me but he's a stranger in this home so basically he passes by me 50 times a day does not address my existence does not answer me when I'm talking to him me and holding a grudge from 20 years ago for his bad behavior as a parent because he can't reflect and heal his trauma.

I have over a hundred cousins and I don't talk to any of them. I had one who is my pride my joy the love of my life and my mother and his mother do not get along and they started fighting and pushed us apart and now they want us to be friends again but this ship has sailed it is gone and then it sank like the Titanic I know better than to get my hand burned twice especially by family I trust no one.

I've also had a terrible fucking day at work the other day some man was purchasing a parakeet and a gecko and I gave him paperwork to sign checked his ID to make sure he was of age and he just signed the bottom without filling out any of the information and I said oh no I'm going to have to have you fill out the rest of that and then he called my job and complained today and said that I am the worst employee he has ever met and every time he sees me I am nasty. Homie I have never even met you before and no one else was around while I was taking care of you so what the fuck are you talking about. And when I'm talking to some customers I see them three times a week for the last year we're on a friendly basis to joke around laugh and maybe say a few inappropriate jokes to each other why don't you just mind your business and leave a review about how I treated you because no one else was complaining just you.

my manager decided to take me aside and have a conversation with me and all it did was make me cry frustrated and have anxiety. Got to mention that I do think that I'm about a year or two away from having a fucking heart attack and dropping dead which sounds fucking glorious by the way but in the meantime it's kind of fucking shaky and weird and I have problems breathing and my blood pressure is off but nobody can find anything I'm going to have a heart attack. And I'm fine with that just fucking cremate me or I will be pissed off. I feel like I've lived a hundred lives and I've been hung shot and buried more than I would like to admit to so can we just fucking cremate me. The thing is my parents are Jehovah witnesses so they probably won't do it because if they're religion even though that has nothing to do with me because I'm not religious.

if you've even read this and got this far thank you I'm just ranting to empty space so I don't fucking die of this heart attack or go mentally insane and end up in that psychiatric ward that I really don't want to go to because no one's going to take care of my animals if I do.

God I'm so horny . The idea of choking on a cock gets me so wet . I wish I didn't give a fuck enough to get a stranger here to fuck me then leave that made me get butterflies in my tummy 🤣.

That's not the girl I am unfortunately .

I've never had my ass licked or fucked and that's either me being dick deprived or EXTREMELY horny 😂

I haven't seen my friend in like three to four months since they moved. The house is just a little out of the way. Our schedules don't match and when I get off of work I just go home. I work with their significant other who I see three times a week. They actually came into our job and she didn't even come to say hi to me knowing I was working.

I can read that person's mind. It is very weird. And they don't like that I get along with their BF and it's very respectful the other day was the first time I've ever hugged him since we've met.

TBF my friend hasn't tried to hang out with me on their days off in over 6 months. They have days off with him and they hang out with him even if I'm off at the same time no one calls me except their roommate and we won't hang out together cuz they're doing something else. We went to the beach once and they went to a different Beach..ohk. cute but those are the same people who cry when they break up and need their friends back. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I'm sorry for those who read these ramblings about my life. I like that it's incognito you don't know me I don't know you and I need someone to talk to. I would love a therapist but like most I live in America healthcare system is shit and that's not going to happen. Sometimes I go years without updating this journal and then I just need it I need someone to talk to you I need to rent and get all the shit out of my brain like vomit. TBH I don't know why I'm still alive how I've made it this far I'm a miserable fucking asshole and I mask it so well even in the comfort of my own home. And I do it because I have animals and I think they're the only thing that keeps me alive they need to eat. And if I die they're getting separated. Locked myself in for another 30 years by accident when I bought a bird 😑 . Anyway the thoughts are starting to simmer down I'll be back if there's more garbage in the skull

everyday I wake up and reach for my date. Sometimes I start my day and think I don't need to smoke this early. Then I go to the other side of the house to see my dog and parents and they close the door because they're on Church zoom. They finished church they go to church or they ignore me. My mother pretends that she hears me but she just gives me" oh really that's cool okay." To argue that she's listening to you but he's only hearing you and she doesn't really care and she doesn't engage so you may as well talk to a plant or a wall.

and then I start smoking because it's a way to burn time numb my brain and shut it off from all the sadness that's in my soul.

I woke up today and realized I have to get a blood test and I went next door to tell my parents but their church friends are here so they told me you can't be here in shorts and then they left the church and ignored me. Addicts will always find something to be addicted to. They got rid of the drugs and they just inserted God that doesn't change your issues

sometimes I think it's just being one of those girls who masturbates online and makes money. But in the middle of covid I realized that I have a sex addiction and when I don't feed into it I'm fine but when I do I can't get enough. It's the dopamine hit. Do you know how bad it is to be in your mid thirties and exhaust a 23-year-old boy with your sex issues? Cuz I do. Do I want to be slammed down on a car and be fucked from behind for 40 minutes? Yes! But the feeling makes me feel lonely I want someone to hold my hand and laugh with me.