instarsandcrime
A Secret Second Braincell
Stars // 28 // He/She/They // Requests Open ✅
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I got home from an outing after having the started the day pretty sneezy and went to take a nap, but before I actually could I just started sneezing and couldn't stop (the fit went on way longer than this I only thought to start recording the tail end and had to edit out some lag time between the last couple sets)
cant believe im doing this again this is so embarrassing
CW: sneezing (of course), VERY vocal hitching that sounds a bit suspicious but I SWEAR its just because of the sneezes, sniffling, window AC in the background
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Someone trying to apologise for sneezing uncovered on something or someone, while still sneezing uncovered on the same something or someone! 👀 Maybe they're stuck in a very small space or maybe their hands are occupied, or both, or they're just so caught up in their desperate need to sneeze that they can't even gather the brain capacity to cover or turn away.
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Well shit, time to be normal about Lu/ci/fer again I guess--
Hi Zen! Really loved the interview wav, think there could be a part two with some revenge streak with Alastor? I'm sure he'd like to get back at Luci for damaging his pristine broadcast 😮
Thank you so much!! And I'm cooking 😏 There are multiple ideas with many people giving me lots of input on a part 2 sooo stay tuuuned!!
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💕Please don’t re-blog to non-kink blogs, thanks!💕
All the recent An/gel Du/st love on snzblr makes me so happy and I had to contribute. This comes from imaginings with @ghostlychill and is basically the prequel moment to their beautiful art here.
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A: There's no way your sneezes are *that* loud....
B: ahhhh-CHAOOOO!!!!
C: Ow, my ears....
Haha very cute. Took me a few tries to get the volume right 😅
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Hey @very-freakin-effable! Since you keep giving me lovely comments about how much you want to keep giving Lu/ci/fer a break on my fics I have come up with a solution. ✨Alakazam!✨It's canon now because I said so!
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Practical Ill Effects: Ha//zbin Ho/tel
Finally finished! The "faking someone else's sickness" trope with Al/ast/or. Fic is under the cut as always, I had a lot of fun working with this and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it! ^^
Word count: 6.5K
Content warnings: Manipulation/ Gaslighting, Drugging, Food tampering (This whole fic is basically "Al/ast/or gets gaslit for 6 thousand words")
“This blows,” Angel scoffed, sitting on top of a dumpster in an alley that was a brisk walk away from the hotel. Husk was sitting on the dumpster to his right, and Niffty was running around in circles, stepping on ants with her tiny feet.
“You’re tellin’ me,” Husk said, taking a swig of whiskey from his flask before slipping it back into his pocket.
The trio of demons were gathered in the alley for a meeting of minds of sorts. In two days, Charlie and Vaggie would be leaving with Lucifer on a trip to the Wrath Ring, and while they were gone, the rest of the group would be heading to LuLu World as a reward for their incredible progress.
However, Vaggie was skeptical about the group behaving themselves in public without a ‘sane, responsible adult present’, and elected to- ironically- put Alastor in charge of chaperoning them for the trip, something the Radio Demon took glee in accepting.
“How he is the responsible one out of the four of us, I have no fuckin’ idea,” Husk grumbled, folding his arms.
“Maybe it’s just ‘cause he’s the oldest,” Niffty offered.
“We’re all basically the same age, that’s bullshit,” Angel replied, massaging his temples, “How’re we gonna ditch ‘im?”
“Ooo! We could hit him in the head with something heavy! Like a piano!” Niffty proposed, jittering in place at the idea.
“This ain’t a cartoon, Niff, we’re not droppin’ a piano on his head,” Angel argued, “I don’t think he’ll let us get close enough to ‘im to do somethin’ like that anyways.”
Husk leaned back against the brick wall behind the dumpster, a mischievous grin spreading onto his feline face, “Charlie’d probably force him to stay behind and let us go on our own if he was sick,” he said.
“But he ain’t,” Angel replied.
“Who says Charlie has to know that?” Husk said, his smile widening as he hopped off of the dumpster, dusting off the seat of his pants.
“But he’d just tell ‘er he’s fine,” Angel said, still sounding skeptical.
“He’d do that anyways, he’d insist that he’s fine even if you were wavin’ positive test results in his face… if anything, that’ll help,” Husk explained, cracking his knuckles, “I think I’ve got an idea.”
“Alright, spill, I’m all ears,” Angel said, kicking his feet as Husk paced back and forth between the dumpsters.
“I know that fucker’s allergic to oak moss… he used to force me to shower every time I tried to wear cologne,” Husk grumbled, “If all three of us wore it… just a little, it’d be enough to set him off without anybody noticing.”
“O ooo, that’s so bad, I love it,” Angel said, sighing wistfully as he hopped down from his dumpster perch, stretching out his back.
“That ain’t the entire plan, but it is the first step, I’m gonna have to explain it quick, that motherfucker’s always eavesdropping,” Husk explained.
After a brief huddle, the triad of demons went back into the hotel through the rear entrance, disappearing into separate rooms for about an hour.
Later on that evening, Alastor was sitting in his armchair in the parlor and reading a book, when Husk wandered downstairs, taking his station at the bar and taking inventory of the bottles, gently ruffling his wings.
Alastor sniffled quietly, swiping a finger under his nostrils before returning to his book.
“Feet up, Alastor! I need to get a stain out of the carpet!” Niffty requested, ducking underneath Alastor’s feet and scrubbing away at the rug with a washcloth, the smear of oak moss perfume oil that Husk placed on the back of her neck wafting up towards Alastor.
Alastor sniffled a bit harder, his sinuses and the back of his throat beginning to itch, “Hmm,” he hummed to himself, getting up from his chair and swallowing experimentally, feeling a scratchiness in the back of his throat.
“Heya Alastor, Fat Nuggets stole one ‘o your slippers earlier, wanted to let ya’ know I put it back,” Angel said, gently pushing up his chest fluff, pretending to glance at Alastor’s hair, “I’ve been meanin’ to ask… was this your natural color back when you were alive?”
While looking, Angel gently reached around and smeared a bit of oak moss perfume residue on the back of Alastor’s neck, pretending to reach out and touch his red locks.
Alastor sniffled, nudging Angel away with his microphone and struggling to keep his hands away from his twitching nose, “Hh… H-hihh… No, no it wasn’t, my hair was dark brown, thank you… hHih!” he replied, covering his nose and mouth with one hand when the oak moss fumes from the oil on his neck made his nose start to run, a speedy trickle threatening to run all the way down to his chin.
“You alright, Smiles?” Angel asked, fluffing out his hair and watching as another mist of allergenic droplets wafted into Alastor’s face.
“Y-Yihh… Ehh… Hh!!” Alastor paused, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping off his drippy nostrils before accidentally letting out a heavy, congested sniffle, “SDdfFF! SnFF-SnrRK!”
A silence fell over the room, and Alastor wanted to disappear under the floorboards. What was happening to him? He couldn’t smell anything suspicious before and with the sudden rush of congestion, he certainly wouldn’t be able to for the foreseeable future.
“You didn’t hear that,” Alastor threatened, feeling another bloom of histamine tickling his nose, “SnFF-SnFF! Hehh… Ehh…H-hehh!” Alastor fanned a hand in front of his face, the overwhelming urge to sneeze building to a crescendo so quickly that he didn’t have time to teleport someplace to hide- as a matter of fact, the urge was so great he ended up dropping his microphone to free up both hands.
Angel opened his mouth to make a sly remark, only to be interrupted by a harsh feedback sound as Alastor was thrown into a sneezing fit.
“H-hehh’KZzhht! He-eh’KTxhhiew! Eh’KzZHht! Hnk’Kxhht-sShew!” Alastor sneezed, straightening his posture and wiping hopelessly at his streaming nose, “Sdfff…SnFF!”
“Gesundheit,” Husk said casually, holding in his laughter as he centered his focus on cleaning beer mugs, “Never heard you let loose like that around so many people.”
“Awww, maybe he’s warmin’ up to us, in’t that sweet?” Angel crooned, sneakily reaching out and tracing a heart on Alastor’s chest with his oil-contaminated hand before Alastor slapped it away.
“Oh hush, I simply didn’t have the time to use any discre-ehh… E-Eh’KXHHT-sShhiew!” Alastor replied, punctuating his sentence with a particularly wet, heavy sneeze, right when Charlie wandered into the room.
“Bingo,” Husk whispered to himself, knowing that Alastor’s ears were just stuffy enough that he wouldn’t be able to hear it.
“Oh, Bless you, Alastor!” Charlie exclaimed, “I heard someone sneeze a couple minutes ago, I didn’t realize it was you.”
“Thank you- SnFF!- pardon me, I’m not sure what came over me to cause that… outburst,” Alastor replied, turning away from Charlie to blow his nose, expecting to yield no results, only to wince at the gurgling rumble of congestion leaving his sinuses, his handkerchief growing damp before he pulled away, “Euch…”
Charlie remained silent for a moment, as though mentally shuffling through responses and making sure she didn’t pick one out that reflected her quiet disgust, “That was… a lot… are you feeling okay? Sounds like you might be getting a cold,” she probed, noticing the irritated skin on Alastor’s nose.
“Of course n’dot- SnFF!- of course not, I’m perfectly fine, there’s just… something in this room that appears to be irritating a sensitivity of mine,” Alastor replied, somehow giving off a perfect mixture of nonchalant and offended.
“You’re only set off by strong scents: lavender, teakwood, citronella, oak moss, the kinda shit you really only find in perfume and cologne,” Husk argued, fighting tooth and nail to hide his amused smile, “If somethin’ like that was in here, we’d all be able to smell it.”
“That’s true, I don’t smell anything out of the ordinary here,” Charlie observed.
“Hmph! Well thed… SnFF!” Alastor replied, an indignant scowl on his face as he scrubbed at his nostrils with the back of his hand, “I’m n’dot exactly sure what it could be.”
“Maybe you should head to bed early tonight! Extra rest always helps me when I’m fighting something,” Charlie offered, “Hopefully you can kick it before it settles.”
“Of course,” Alastor said with a sigh, “Thank you for the recommendation, Charlotte.”
“No problem!” Charlie replied, turning to leave the room when Alastor’s nose began to twitch again.
“h-HiIhh’Kxzzhhtt-SsCHEW! Ih’Kxhht-SscHiEW!” Alastor sneezed, gently rubbing his irritated nose.
“Bless you!” Charlie said before vanishing through the doorway.
“Th- Tha…ank- Hih’xXSschew! Hi-IH’KxXHHT!” Alastor replied, wrinkling his nose with a damp, heavy sniffle, rubbing at his watery eyes with the heel of his palm before vanishing into his own shadow.
“That was almost too easy,” Angel chuckled in a hushed voice.
“It only gets easier,” Husk snickered, pouring a glass of rye whiskey and stirring it with a contaminated claw before leaving it on the bar counter as bait.
“Alright, as fun as this is, I’m takin’ a shower, this stuff is so sticky it’s mattin’ my fur,” Angel scoffed, arching his back to stretch as he wandered up the stairs, Husk following after him.
Niffty, left to her own devices, skipped into the hotel’s basement to chase after families of cockroaches and centipedes with a broom, swatting at them even as the night stretched onward.
A few hours later, Husk and Angel were curled up in Angel’s bed- Angel scrolling listlessly through his phone while Husk kneaded at the mattress and sheets with his large paws- when they heard a sound coming from a few doors down.
Husk’s ear twitched, and his eyes widened as he attempted to focus on the sound, sitting up in bed and waiting in breathless silence.
“What’s up-” Angel began to ask, only for Husk to shush him, tilting his head to the side and twitching his left ear, “What is it?” Angel whispered.
The sound of wheezy, irritated, desperate coughing from the other room became audible, making Husk’s face melt into a smug smile, the ticklish coughs occasionally being muffled by bursts of static.
“He drank the whiskey,” Husk whispered, stretching out a bit further in bed and waiting patiently.
“khff…Khff-Khff…KHHFF!”
“Bullseye,” Husk yawned, gently pawing at the air in front of him before nuzzling against Angel’s fluffy torso and dozing off, with Angel following close behind.
Alastor, however, had managed to cough himself awake. He felt as though he was losing his mind- eyes watering, nose streaming, and his throat so unbearably itchy that it couldn’t be soothed even after inflating his bladder with glass after glass of water.
“Oh for- Khhff!- goodness sake- KHFF! Khff…khff!” Alastor muttered to himself, pacing in a tight circle and trying to muffle his ceaseless coughing behind both of his hands, his struggle stretching across the entire night until the tickle in his throat managed to fade around sunrise.
Leaning against the back of his armchair, Alastor attempted to straighten his posture and stand on his own two feet, finger-combing his hair and feeling around on his person for his handkerchief to blow his hopelessly stuffy nose.
“I have n’do clue what’s happend’ig… Snff!” Alastor said, pinching his handkerchief around his nostrils and letting out a heavy, wet blow, feeling his sinus cavity vibrate from the release, “hh…H-hihh… Hi-Ih’DddTsSchiEW! Hnk’tchhew!”
With his nose still buried in his handkerchief and exhaustion tugging at his heels, Alastor bit the bullet and wandered downstairs to start his day in earnest.
Upon arriving downstairs, Alastor grabbed his favorite mug and quietly filled it with water, taking slow sips in an attempt to drown the scratchy sensation in his throat and sinus cavity- to no avail- as people slowly entered the room after him.
“Good Morning, Alastor!” Charlie greeted with her usual bouncy and colorful demeanor, rocking back and forth on her heels, “Feeling any better?”
“Yes, a good night’s sleep was all I needed,” Alastor replied, looking away from Charlie to avoid dwelling on the exhaustion that was weighing him down, making his steps and movements seem much slower, much more deliberate.
Charlie shot a brief glance at the dark rings underneath Alastor’s eyes, “Are you sure you got any sleep? You were coughing a lot last night,” she probed.
Alastor felt a pit open up in his stomach, but maintained his nonchalant expression and scoffed, “Nonsense- snff!- I slept incredibly peacefully last night, you must have heard someone else.”
Charlie looked unconvinced, but turned to Husk and Angel with a shrug, “Was it you guys?” she asked.
Husk laughed, “Nope, those were too dry to be mine,” he said, letting out a sharp exhale that rattled his lungs, “Not after a life and afterlife of puffin’ on cigars.”
“They were too normal to be mine,” Angel said with a scoff, “Every time I start coughin’ it sounds like a seal fucked a chew toy.”
“Dad went out last night and didn’t come home until morning, and it was a male voice… so it had to be you, Alastor,” Charlie insisted, “Maybe you were just coughing in your sleep, so you didn’t notice.”
Alastor swallowed, silently cursing the stinging sensation that radiated through his raw throat, “I suppose so,” he said, relenting as his left ear twitched slightly, “Regardless, I’m still feeling much be-eehh… EH’KXxht-shhiew! Eh’KzZhht-Sshew!”
Husk snickered as he watched Alastor blearily wipe his nose, watery mess trickling into his handkerchief as friction from the fabric reddened his sensitive nostrils.
“Bless you, Alastor,” Charlie said, “It’s okay if you’re still feeling sick, you don’t have to hide it. As long as it doesn’t get any worse you’ll still be okay to go to Lulu World with everyone!”
“Mbarvelous- snff!” Alastor replied, blowing his nose into his handkerchief until the fabric was damp and the sensitive skin on his nose began to burn from the constant rubbing.
Charlie vanished upstairs, having a few more things to pack for her trip, leaving the scheming trio of sinners to enact the next phase of their plan.
Two hours after his conversation with Charlie, Alastor was relaxing in his armchair in the parlor, reading a book he’d been meaning to finish. Annoyingly, every few pages Alastor was forced to set the book down, using his finger as a bookmark, to scrub furiously at his nose with the heel of his palm in an attempt to quell the persistent itching, or to desperately cover a wet sneeze with the back of his wrist.
“E-ehh’Kxhht-chew! EH’Kxhht-Sshew!” Alastor sneezed, his stomach churning with disgust after he looked at the damp patch of fabric on his sleeve from soaking up about thirty sneezes’ worth of spray.
Suddenly, Alastor felt a tug on his pant leg, and he looked down through rheumy eyes to see Niffty, eagerly clutching a container of ice cream.
“Hello Ndiffty- snff!- pardon mbe… what can I do for you?” Alastor asked, quietly twirling a stray lock of Niffty’s hair around his finger.
“Nothing… I just wanted to see if you wanted this butter pecan ice cream, I found it while I was clearing out the freezer!” Niffty offered, handing Alastor the small pint of ice cream and a spoon.
Alastor licked his lips, butter pecan was a classic, and it was one of the only sugary things he considered an exception in his indifference towards sweets. Plus, the thought of smooth, cool ice cream cascading down his scratchy throat sounded heavenly.
After a reluctant glance away, Alastor dug into the ice cream, eating spoonful after spoonful with so much gusto that he didn’t notice that the ice cream container was not properly sealed.
“It’s delicious, thank you Niffty… He-EH’KXHHT-Chhew!... pardon mbe,” Alastor sighed, scraping the bottom of the ice cream container for one last spoonful before Niffty plucked the empty carton out of his hands.
After Niffty scurried away to continue cleaning, Alastor returned to his book, thumbing through the pages and pausing every so often to sneeze, until he felt a drowsiness come over him like a dreary fog. Alastor yawned, stretching out in his armchair and rubbing his eyes.
Three pages later, Alastor yawned again, suddenly fighting to keep his eyelids up as each blink seemed to drag on just a bit longer than the last.
“Ehh…Eh’kxhh-shhew! Hnk’tshew!”
Alastor rubbed at his raw nostrils with his cold, damp handkerchief, muttering drowsily at his waning energy seemingly affecting his sneezes.
Two more pages and another intense yawn later, and Alastor finally lost the battle against his own body, drooping his head to one side and falling fast asleep, still loosely clutching his book in one hand and snoring softly- the snores occasionally being interrupted by a congested sniffle.
Niffty smiled from her position on the other side of the room dusting the curtains, quickly racing upstairs before coming back down with Husk and Angel following behind her.
“Look, I did it! That was easy!” Niffty cheered, clapping for herself as her two friends stared in awe at the unconscious Radio Demon.
“How the hell’d you get him to sleep?” Angel asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I crushed up some of Husk’s gabapentin, some Hell-Dryl, and a couple of sleeping pills into a carton of ice cream! He ate the whole thing!” Niffty explained.
“You are one twisted little doll, y’know that?” Husk asked, ruffling Niffty’s hair, “He’d kill us if he knew we were doin’ this.”
“Welp, he don’t, so we’re fine,” Angel snickered, pulling out his plugged-in curling iron and holding the hot metal close to Alastor’s face until he could see a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead and flush on Alastor’s cheeks to match his friction-reddened nose. Carefully, Angel moved the exposed metal over and brushed it against the insides of Alastor’s ears.
“I’ll be damned, if I didn’t know about this, I’d be convinced… he looks pathetic,” Husk said, watching Alastor’s chest rise and fall as he peacefully snored, “Hurry and go get ‘er before his ears cool down, I’ll hide the curling iron.”
“Got it,” Angel replied, handing Husk the iron before quietly practicing his lines to himself, putting on a skeptical but concerned face, and wandering hurriedly up the stairs, “Charlie?!” he called out, disappearing around a corner.
“He’s a damn good actor when he’s not readin’ someone else’s trash script, I’ll tell you that much,” Husk mumbled, stashing the curling iron behind the bar counter on a heat-safe cloth and pretending to look busy, grabbing a beer mug and polishing it with a rag right as Charlie followed Angel into the parlor from upstairs.
“Oh, Angel, you’re right, he looks awful,” Charlie crooned, pressing her hands against her cheeks in dismay, “And he’d never fall asleep just out in the open like this, either…”
Alastor, still unconscious, shuddered a bit due to a residual chill from demolishing the pint of ice cream so quickly.
“He’s shaking,” Charlie said, sympathy dripping from her every word as she carefully reached out and pressed her palm against Alastor’s artificially-warmed forehead, feeling the heat and sweat on his skin, “He feels warm, too.”
“Want me to go get the ear thermometer?” Angel offered, celebrating internally when Charlie shook her head.
“No, no need, we’re already pushing our luck as it is, Alastor hates being touched… he obviously has a fever, I don’t need to know the specifics until he wakes up,” Charlie said, “This is horrible, he was so excited to go to Lulu World with you guys.”
“It’s a damn shame,” Angel said solemnly, “We’ll bring back somethin’ for ‘im.”
“Awww, that’s sweet,” Charlie replied, smiling before turning her attention to Husk, “Do you think you can keep things in order while you guys are at the park? I don’t want you guys to miss out on your fun time just because Al has to stay home.”
“No worries Princess, I got it,” Husk said with a confident smile.
“Thank you, you’re a lifesaver,” Charlie said with a sigh, looking at Alastor’s unconscious, snoring form and wincing with discomfort at the strange angle the Radio Demon was positioned in, “He’d be so much more comfortable in bed, but I don’t wanna wake him up.”
Husk quietly shook Alastor’s shoulder as an experiment to see how much movement he would tolerate before he woke up, looking pleasantly surprised when Alastor didn’t react- the cocktail of drugs he’d been given had lulled him into a comfortable and deep sleep.
“I think if I’m careful, I can just-” Husk scooped Alastor up into his arms, supporting his back with one hand and his knees with the other, “-there we go. I got ‘im from here, I’ve done this song and dance a couple times before when he was drunk.”
“Oh, thank you so much, Husk, that’s so nice!” Charlie replied, clasping her hands together as a warm smile spread across her face, “I have to finish packing, but I’ll come check on him later.”
Husk gave Charlie an understanding nod as she disappeared up the stairs. Once Charlie was gone, Husk carried Alastor upstairs and opened the door to his room one-handed.
Husk rummaged through Alastor’s clothes until he found a pair of linen pajamas, removing Alastor’s suit and slacks and changing him into the pajamas in about four minutes.
Once Alastor was dressed for bed, Husk sighed, peering into the dense brush of the wet Louisiana forest pocket dimension that occupied the other side of Alastor’s room. “Where the hell’d you move your bed to this time?” Husk inquired rhetorically, balancing Alastor’s sleeping form on his hip before venturing into the forest.
“Snff…Snff-snff!” Alastor’s pitiful sniffling could be heard from his position with his head resting against Husk’s shoulder.
Husk rolled his eyes, peering around bushes and behind trees until he found Alastor’s bed in a corner near a stream, hidden slightly by a curtain of hanging plants. Husk peeled back the duvet and sheets from their position neatly tucked underneath the pillows, gently laid Alastor down onto his mattress, and pulled the covers back up until they reached the Radio Demon’s shoulders.
“There we go,” Husk said with a triumphant smile, “Nighty night, sucker.”
Laughing at his victory, Husk wandered out of the dense forest, folding Alastor’s suit, vest, and slacks before placing the neatly folded clothes on a chair up against the wall, shutting off the lights, and closing the door behind him.
Alastor remained peacefully asleep, his congestion clearing up and his hopelessly itchy throat returning to normal as the allergens on his clothes were no longer present to irritate his system.
In the blissful darkness of Alastor’s room, his shadow slipped out from underneath his bed frame, a mischievous smile on its face as it pulled back the covers on Alastor’s bed and unbuttoned his pajama shirt.
A cool breeze swept through the humid air in the forest, sending a chill down Alastor’s spine as he slept. Shuddering, Alastor curled in on himself in an attempt to stay warm as the cool air hit the exposed skin on his chest and neck.
“Hnk’tchew! Hnk’tshiww!”
Alastor’s nose twitched, and he sleepily rubbed the back of his hand against it to ward off a building itch before falling back into his deep slumber as the chilled air continued to blow on his sweat-dampened skin.
Early the next morning, Alastor woke up to the sight of Charlie jostling his shoulders while standing at his bedside.
“Mm… what time is it? When did I get here?” Alastor asked with a scratchy yawn, rubbing his eyes.
“Husk brought you to bed yesterday after you dozed off downstairs,” Charlie explained, “They left for Lulu World already, but I didn’t want to leave for our trip until you woke up.”
“They left without mbe?!” Alastor asked, moving to get out of bed, only for Charlie to press a hand against his bare chest, gently pushing him back against his pillows.
“Yes, Husk promised he’d keep everything under control, but they left without you,” Charlie said, “I’m sorry, Alastor, I know it’s disappointing but you really shouldn’t be out and about while you’re this sick.”
“I explained this before, Charlie, I amb perfectly he-ehh…Eh’Kxhht-shhew! Eh’KzZht-chiew! EH’KXHHT-SHEW!” Alastor argued, pawing around on his bed for his handkerchief as his nose began to run, “snff!”
“Yeah, this is what ‘perfectly healthy’ sounds like,” Charlie scoffed, “I hate to break it to you Alastor, but you’ve been sniffling and sneezing for three days now-” cautiously, Charlie held the back of her hand up to Alastor’s forehead, “-and you have a fever. You’re sick, there’s nothing wrong with that, it happens to everyone.”
Alastor folded his arms, refusing to look Charlie in the eyes, “If you say so,” he muttered.
“Will you be okay by yourself? I can call Rosie and ask her to come over if you want, I just want to make sure you’ll be alright before we leave,” Charlie offered.
“I’ll be fide, thank you- snff! Snff!- pardon mbe,” Alastor said, grumbling as he pulled a handkerchief out of the ether, pinching the fabric around his nose and letting out a heavy, gurgling blow, “Uch…e-Eh’KZzhht-chew!”
“Alright, if you say so,” Charlie said in reply, stepping away from Alastor’s bed, “Call us if you need anything, okay?”
“Alright, have a ndice trip- snff!” Alastor said, blowing his nose again as Charlie and Vaggie left the hotel to meet Lucifer outside. Once they were gone, Alastor got out of bed, staggering a bit once he got to his feet. He felt strangely tired, almost weak.
“I know those scoundrels were up to sombething- snrkk!- I ab ndot sick,” Alastor grumbled to himself, only to pause when a sudden chill made him shiver, buttoning up his pajama shirt and tugging on his red dressing gown, sighing in relief at the comfortable warmth of the plush fabric.
“I should go to that park and give those three a piece of mby mbind,” Alastor said, balling his fists and pacing back and forth across his floor, “Eh’KzZhht-chhiew!”
Alastor’s ears twitched as he waned, rubbing at his eyes and deciding against going out, “I can always just-” he yawned, “-give themb a piece of mby mbind when they get back… snff!”
Alastor wandered downstairs into the kitchen, forgoing his usual mug of coffee for a cup of tea, deciding that the fragrant vapors and smoother texture would be more helpful against his hopelessly plugged sinuses and the throbbing sensation in the back of his throat.
‘I am not sick, everyone gets a little… irritated when they’ve just woken up, I’m fine’
Alastor picked up his mug of tea, only for his shadow to quietly slide the jar of honey over to him, gesturing towards it.
“I don’t wandt a’dy hondey- snff!- guhh…The tea is fide by itself,” Alastor argued, turning away to clear his throat.
Alastor’s shadow looked away, rolling its nonexistent eyes before wrapping its incorporeal fingers around Alastor’s neck, raising its eyebrows and gesturing back to the jar of honey.
“Mby throat isd’t sore- snff! Snrkk!- euch… hold od-” Alastor said, turning away to blow his nose with a heavy rumble of congestion that eventually devolved into a loud honk, “There, much better.”
Alastor’s shadow folded its arms, looking at him incredulously.
“It isn’t!” Alastor yelled, his voice straining until he coughed into his wrist, swallowing harshly and wincing at how dry and tender his throat felt. His shadow snickered at him, smirking.
Alastor relented, ceding a bit of ground, “I suppose- khff!- it is a bit scratchy,” he said, staring longingly at the jar of honey before grabbing the stirrer and drizzling about a tablespoon’s worth of honey into his tea.
Alastor sighed when his shadow began to snicker playfully again, staring at him with a knowing smile.
“This doesn’t mean anything- snff!- I am not sick, I’m not, I’m fine… E-Eh’Kxhht-ChHIEW! EH’KZzs-Sshew!” Alastor argued, running the back of his hand under his nostrils before he took a lengthy sip of his tea, relieved by the smooth sensation cascading down his raw throat, “Mmm…”
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you quite so frazzled, it’s the cat’s pajamas, I’ve gotta say,”
Alastor blinked, looking around the room, “Who said that? Show yourself!” he demanded, setting down his cup and chewing on his tongue as sweat began to trickle down his forehead.
“Oh calm down, mes amis, you know me, I’m right here,”
Alastor looked ahead of him and saw his shadow, still technically attached to his heels, staring at him with a playful smirk.
“You can’t talk, don’t toy with me, who are you?” Alastor asked, jabbing at his shadow with his microphone, grumbling in frustration when his weapon of choice simply phased through the dark figure’s torso, “You… you can talk?”
“Of course I can,” the shadow replied, “I just save it for special occasions, like when you’re living in denial, trying to convince yourself that you can change reality if you ignore it hard enough.”
“What are you going on about?” Alastor asked, “snff-snff! SnFF!”
“Blow your nose already and stop sniffling!” the shadow said with a frustrated hiss, rolling its eyes when Alastor gave his nose another gurgling blow, wiping hopelessly at his nostrils and frowning at the irritated skin that moved down the bridge of his nose to the tip.
“Mby ndose is just itchyy-Ye-eh’Ksshhew! Eh’KzZshhew!” Alastor argued, blowing his nose again, “Eehh-EH’KzZSshew! Uch… I’b ndot sick, I dond’t care what you think- snff!- if you even have a braid to think with.”
The shadow scoffed, “Your nose is only itchy because it’s full of cold,” it said, poking the tip of Alastor’s nose, “Just like the rest of you.”
“Eh’KzZshew! E-ihh’KsShew!” Alastor sneezed, wiping at his nostrils with his soaked handkerchief, “Keep your hands off mbe!”
“Or what? You’ll sneeze on me? That ship’s sailed ages ago,” the shadow said, poking Alastor’s nose again.
“e-ehh…Eh…Eeh’KZzhht-CHEW! Eh’KzZsst-ChiEW! E-ehh’KsSshew!” Alastor sneezed, his sinuses irritated and tingly as a feathery tickle lingered in his nose after the third sneeze, causing his nose to twitch, “snff-snff! E-ehh…Hehh… Wh-wha…ehh”
Alastor’s shadow grinned as he watched the Radio Demon fanning a desperate hand in front of his face, wrinkling and unwrinkling his nose, “Need a hand?” it asked.
“N-nuhh… H-huhh… Ndo…snff-snff! SnRKK! Ndo I d-du-huhh… Hehh! E-ehh!” Alastor struggled to reply, still resting perfectly on the precipice of a sneeze, “I just… Ha…ahh…a-Ahh-”
“Have to sneeze? Are you sure you don’t want me to help?”
“Ndo…I don’t ne-eed your help…H-heh…Ehh…e-ehh!”
Alastor scrubbed desperately at his nose with his handkerchief and the back of his hand, desperate to quell the ceaseless itching.
“Fide… help mbe, ple-ease…I-ihh…hehh- hh-” Alastor begged, his rheumy eyes beginning to water as the ticklish hitching continued.
“Alright, I’ll help you, but you have to admit it first,” the shadow insisted.
“A-ahh… admi-ihh… admit what?!”
“That you’re a vulnerable, pathetic, cold-ridden mess, so desperate you need someone to poke your twitchy little nose for you,”
“SnfF! Ndever- I-ihh… Ehh…H-heh!” Alastor hitched, sniffling hopelessly and grumbling in frustration at his shadow’s smug smile.
Alastor’s heartbeat quickened as he watched his shadow teasingly trace a finger down the length of his nose, and then around his nostrils, so close that its presence against the sensitive skin made Alastor’s nose twitch and wiggle like a rabbit’s, but not close enough to grant him the satisfaction of the sneeze he’d been stuck on for nearly twelve minutes.
“Eh…E-ehh..HEHH-!” Alastor hitched again, “F-fide! I have a cold, I admit it- just he-hehhlp- mbe sdeeze!”
The shadow smiled, poking Alastor’s nose and reclining in midair to watch the fireworks.
“He-ehh-EH’KZzTCHEW! EH’KzZhhhiew! EH’KXhht-CHEW! H-hEH’KzZsShiew! EH’KZz-TsShIEW!....E-EHH’KZzSsHHEW!” Alastor exploded into a fit of sneezes, his eyes watering profusely and his nose streaming down his face, the undersides of his eyes hopelessly puffy and red.
“There we go,” the shadow snickered, “How pathetic, I wish you could see yourself.”
Alastor’s usual facade of neutral amusement fell, and he leapt at his own shadow in a fit of white hot rage, throwing punches at the intangible figure and attempting to strangle it.
“I’ve had it with you- KhFF!- you insufferable bastard!” Alastor shouted, rolling across the floor of the kitchen, wringing his shadow by its neck until he became exhausted, collapsing against the kitchen floor as his eyelids began to droop, staring at his shadow as it teased him from a safe distance.
“Alastor?”
Alastor turned, rolling over to face the kitchen entryway, and sniffling to shift the congestion that threatened to escape from his sinuses, when he saw the concerned face of a familiar friend.
“Rosie?” Alastor inquired, blinking as he struggled to sit upright, choking back a cough, “What are you doing here?”
“Charlie gave me a call and said you weren’t feelin’ well, I figured I’d stop by… didn’t expect to see you down there,” Rosie replied, “Did you fall?”
“Ndo… I was fighting mby shadow,” Alastor said with an angry hiss, “The bastard has been mbocking mbe for hours- E-ehh’KxXhht-CHEW!”
“Gesundheit!” Rosie said, helping Alastor to his feet and noticing how his legs struggled under his weight, “Your shadow’s been makin’ fun of you?”
“Yes,” Alastor replied, leaning almost helplessly against Rosie as she supported him with one arm when he managed to hold steady on his feet.
Rosie looked away from Alastor briefly and rolled her eyes, turning to look at Alastor’s shadow, who simply shrugged in response to Alastor’s accusation, “Well, I’ll straighten ‘im out for you, he should know better than to antagonize a sick person,” she crooned, scratching behind one of Alastor’s ears.
“Snff! Snff-snff! I’m not sick,” Alastor said, pouting as he wiped off his irritated nostrils with his handkerchief.
Rosie turned Alastor around to face her and shot him a skeptical look, leaning her head forward as though waiting for him to tell her the truth.
Alastor scoffed, turning away from Rosie’s piercing dark eyes, “It’s only a cold… E-Eihh’KzZhht-shhew!” he insisted, blowing his nose and wincing at the heavy congestion that left his sinuses and soaked another handkerchief, “A particularly wet one… but still just a cold.”
Rosie sighed, pressing a manicured hand up against Alastor’s cheek, “Well, you feel a little warm… how about we get you comfortable and put somethin’ in your stomach so you can take a nap?” she said in an all-too-familiar way that Alastor recognized meant he had no choice in the matter.
“Fine,” Alastor relented, letting Rosie guide him into the parlor and sit him down on the loveseat adjacent to the sofa. Kicking off his slippers, Alastor curled into a reclined position with his back against the loveseat’s armrest.
Rosie quietly untied and removed Alastor’s dressing gown before draping a blanket over him in its place, “Comfortable?” she asked, watching Alastor yawn as he settled into his new position, his eyelids drooping.
“Mmhm,”
“Good,” Rosie said with a triumphant smile, frowning after shooting a glance at the clock on the wall, “Oh goodness, Alastor I’ve gotta split for an important meeting, are you gonna be alright on your own?”
“I think so- snff!- I feel much better,”
“Okay, if you’re sure, but I wanna make sure you have this,” Rosie said, handing Alastor a thermos, “It’s tomato soup… I used a blood broth base like I usually do.”
“Delicious,” Alastor mumbled sleepily, rubbing his face against the side of the thermos, “Mmm…thank you so much Rosiie- E-EHH’KxZzHTT-CHEW! Eh’kZzSshhhew! Pardon me.”
“My pleasure, anything for such a dear friend,” Rosie whispered, gently stroking Alastor’s feverish cheek, “Get some rest, okay?”
“I will,” Alastor replied, punctuating his sentence with a hoarse cough before setting the thermos down on the table beside the loveseat and letting out a yawn, “Goodbye Rosie.”
“See ya ‘round, Alastor! Feel better!” Rosie said, leaving through the front doors, leaving the Radio Demon alone once again.
Sniffling into his handkerchief, Alastor rolled onto his side, struggling to keep his eyelids open, “I’m so tired,” he yawned to himself, rubbing his slightly puffy eyes, “I suppose nothing bad would happen if I just took a little nap… I’ll be awake when they get home… E-ehh’kZzShew! Eh’kzZht-chew!”
Alastor shut his eyes, promising himself that he’d only be asleep for a short while as he drifted off and the world went comfortably dark.
Hours passed by as Alastor relaxed, lost in a deep and relaxing slumber with no sounds to disturb him other than his own irritated coughing and KeeKee’s relaxed purring whenever she nuzzled up to his sleeping form.
The front doors of the hotel opened, and Husk, Angel and Niffty walked inside. Niffty was carrying a large stuffed dog, jittering in place after a day of devouring caramel apples, funnel cake, and cotton candy with nothing but soda to wash it down with, getting so excited that Husk eventually had to tether her to his pants with a bungee cord. Angel and Husk walked into the hotel behind Niffty, quietly holding hands while Angel clutched a stuffed pig that Husk won him at a ring toss in one of his arms.
“Alastor’s probably figured us out by now… fun’s over,” Angel said to Husk as the two watched Niffty race upstairs with speed rivaling a stray bullet, “Alastor? We’re back…”
“Eh- H-he-ihh’KZzzhht-chhew! Eh’KZzShhew! Eh’Kxhht-CHEW!”
Angel and Husk exchanged a puzzled look, wandering into the parlor to find Alastor curled up comfortably in his position on the loveseat, blowing his nose into his handkerchief. His nose was flushed an irritated red and his cheeks were still rouged from his slight fever, a relaxed smile on his face as he waved at his friends.
“Oh, you’re back- E-eihh’Kxhhtshhew! ‘Scuse mbe,” Alastor said softly, shifting the congestion in his sinuses with a few wet sniffles, “Did you have fun?”
“Mmhm,” Husk replied, testing the waters to see whether or not Alastor was aware of their ruse, “You feelin’ alright?”
Alastor gestured vaguely with his left hand, “A bit better, but not really- snff snff!- I commend you and Angel for your awareness… ‘Kxhht-shhew! ‘KXxhht-sschiew!... you and Charlie seemed to know I was coming down with something before I did,” he said, wiping his nostrils with his handkerchief, “or at least before I was ready to admit it.”
Angel and Husk silently breathed a massive sigh of relief, practically exchanging a telepathic fist bump before turning back to address Alastor.
“Niffty won ‘ya a stuffed zebra,” Angel piped up, handing the plush animal to Alastor and watching as the slightly-delirious Radio Demon cuddled up to it with a soft smile, “Need anythin’ else before we hit the sack?”
Alastor shook his head, “I’mb alright- snff!- I’m going to get some more rest, see you both tomorrow morning,” he said with a scratchy yawn, nestling comfortably into his blankets and falling back asleep.
Angel and Husk turned out the lights in the parlor, tip-toeing past Alastor’s sleeping form, before quietly shaking hands triumphantly.
“Guess he must’ve actually been gettin’ a cold,” Angel whispered, “Wanna celebrate?”
Husk noticed the risque expression on Angel’s face, “If you’re quiet, then yes… don’t wanna wake him up if he’s actually sick,” he replied.
“Sounds like a plan!” Angel replied, planting a kiss on Husk’s cheek as the two quietly hurried upstairs, leaving the parlor and the hotel’s downstairs completely silent.
Except of course, for Alastor’s congested snoring… interrupted by an occasional-
“e-Ehhh’Kxhht-shhew!”
That. By that.
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A Lesson Learned
Hi hello! So when I was first writing this I thought 'oh yeah, turns out Lucifer is allergic to pollen and he was in charge of Eden that's funny haha time to make a goofy fluffy thing where Charlie surprises him with flowers from the Garden' and then it absolutely turned into hurt/comfort because apparently that's just how I write! I will be putting a trigger warning below as well because this getssss...heavy as to the reason of why he's allergic? Kinda? It seems to fit with the Hazbin Hotel theme and Lucifer's arc so it shouldn't be a problem, but I'm going to put it down just in case.
(Also a fun little headcanon from @glitterrosesnzz! Hey Rose, see if you can spot it ;) )
TW: Religious trauma/guilt
---
It started, unlike many other nights, as one of the most wonderful Lucifer had ever experienced.
Though the Hazbin Hotel was bigger and brighter than ever, the atmosphere at the bar was cozy and warm. Tight-knit, like the lavishly spacious walls never existed– instead a little pigeonhole made for his little girl and the family that followed her to war and back. And even when he stepped onto the top floor's balcony, the laughter he left behind followed on the summer breeze, spilling from the windows like an overflowing teacup. He leaned on its railing, eyelashes fluttering closed to listen to its joined melody.
It was just missing its lead chorister.
"Dad!" Ahh, and there's the lady of the hour! The demon king spun around to soak in his darling daughter, marveling at how much she’d grown. Her long, flaring black ballgown swept gracefully as she crossed the threshold.
"Charlie!” Lucifer beamed, greeting her with arms wide open. A giggle slipped from painted lips, and the princess lurched forward– before remembering herself and the hands behind her back. And all too suddenly Charlie had locked her stilettos in place, thick brows furrowed in concentration as she willed herself to not give her father a large, loving squeeze.
"Nope! Surprise first, hugs later." She stated. Lucifer was almost impressed, considering this was. Well. Charlie. He busied his hands instead with the twirl of his cane. Then, with much pomp and circumstance, dramatically drooped his lanky frame against its ruby red delicious handle.
"I dunno,” He heaved a wilting sigh, “I don’t think your ol’ man’s heart can take this much excitement! First you stop an extermination, then we start getting clients from all around the pride ring. But wow me some more, why don'tcha?"
"W-well I mean, it’s not much, but-- but Vaggie and I were talking, and between building like eighty percent of the hotel, kicking Adam's prick ass--"
"Language." The fallen angel teased.
"Kicking Adam's prick butt." Charlie rolled her eyes, still biting back a smirk.
"There we go."
"And you also, um. Want to restart a new relationship with me. That…really means a lot.” She swallowed, “So I, um, I pulled some strings with Emily, and I know you probably miss Eden..."
"...Oh..." Lucifer breathed. He felt his eyes water at the silky firework of colors that finally came into view. Not burnt, singed, or stained by blood. Not covered in poisoned barbs or snapped the air blindly with rows of teeth.
Flowers. Actual, honest-to-goodness flowers from the Garden itself.
"Charlie, I..." He huffed out a laugh as he stepped closer, taking the bouquet in his arms as delicately as a second child. "Stars above, they're wonderful!"
"'Stars above'?" Charlie stifled a laugh. Millenia-old angel lingo completely ignored as her father excitedly looked them over. Slit pupils dilated, shimmering like jewels. Sharp claws delicately pawing at each one like a slight breeze could rip their petals to shreds.
"Hah! I remember these! Oh man, what were they called? Carnations? Irises? I can't even remember which design I-- snff! Oh, sorry! Gimme a sec, Sweetie." He chuckled wetly, taking out a handkerchief to wipe away budding tears. But even when as dabbed his emotions away, he endlessly detailed each little part of his creations like they were precious cogs in a grand design, a universe he itched to re-explore.
"And roses! I've-- snfff! I've never created something so romantic at the time but…b-but…!"
Lucifer froze. Fat droplets spilled into small streams, shoulders shaking as his breath hitched. And all too suddenly, Charlie’s heart sank to her stomach. Of course, how could she be so stupid! He was an angel for so long! He probably missed Heaven, missed Eden, missed being a seraphim, missed--...mom.
"Oh please, please don't cry." Charlie took a step forward, hand outstretched, "I-I can take it back! Orrr give it to Sir Pentious instead? I’m sure he’d love it considering how much he respects–"
And stumbled ten paces back as a sudden, violent sneeze nearly shattered her eardrums.
"HET'CHMPH'HHhhiew!" Lucifer pitched into his handkerchief, petals and flecks of pollen scattered to the wind. A small bubble of silence filled the air before her father rushed to pop it with another burst of laughter, nearly choking as his breath continued to hitch desperately. "S-sorry Sweetheart, I didn't mean to scehh-scare you! That was- ...th-thah-hah-! HAT’CHIEW! Guhhh...that was louder than...than I…hhh…ex-expectihhhHHHAT'CHHHH! HAT'CHHHH’HEW! Hit'CHHHH'MPHHH! Snfff! Ohh..."
Surfacing again from the billowing fabric, Lucifer met Charlie’s stunned expression with a sheepish grin, a golden flush spreading from his cheeks to the tip of his nose.
"Are you. Are you allergic to…?" Charlie trailed off, worrying her bottom lip.
Oh, no. Oh, no, nononono he can’t disappoint her again!
"Nope! Nuh-uh! Absolutely not! Just a tickle! Nduthig to-- t-to...snff! Ugh, worry aboudt!"
"Dad?"
"Now where was I? Ah, yes! Roses! Ugh, they smbell so good but boyhhh…b-boy do the-thehh-theyyyISHHHH’HIEW! hhhHHH-! …HIT’SHHHH’HIEW! HITSHHIEW! Whew! Excuse mbe! Their thorns hurt...like....l-like...hhhHHH-! Hat’shiew! 'Tshhhiew! 'Tshhh! ‘tshh! li-lihhh-like adythihhh-hih-hih-HITSHHH! Snfff! A-anythi'g. Ugh. Sndff! And don't get mbe started on foxglove! What was I-- hhh! Wh-whuhhh-what was I thihhh-hih-hih-hih! Th-thihhh-thidki'g– IT'SHIEW!"
"Dad."
"Poisonous, Charlie! I made themb– ET’SHHH! poisonous! Co’be ond, they're so...s-so-huh! Hhhol…h-hold onnnNN'TCHHH'hiew! ET'SHHH'HIEW! ISHHH'HIEW!"
"Dad!"
"I'm fide, Ch-Chuhhh-Charlie! I really-- …I-- hih! I-I-- hih-hih! really amb fihhh-hihh-HIT’SCHHH! FIDE! I’mb fide!" Lucifer finally forced out, laughing between desperate hitches, "It's just, y'dnow, the sudlight's a liddle…a liddle stro'g a’d– hhhahh..! HATCHHH’HEW! HET’CHHHH’HIEW!"
"It's nighttime." Charlie crossed her arms.
"W-wait! Did I say sudlight? Hah! Silly– snff! Silly mbe! I mbeant the air's a liddle strong. The cold's affegtig mby ndose a bihh-bit-hit'tshhh! Hit'shhh-tshhh-tsh! H-hehhhHH-! HET'CHIEW!"
"It's summer."
"Did I say cold? I mbeant um-- uhhhh–" A bead of sweat rolled down his neck, and he sniffled thickly, "Y'dnow what? Doesn't mbatter. I'mb ndot allergic to flowers and– snddffff! and I'll prove it."
"Uh-huh." She took a cautious step forward. "By doing wha-- Dad, stop!"
It wasn't much, it was just a small sniff. But Hell’s Bells did it set off something awful. Come on, for fuck’s sake, you can control this! It’s just a sneeze! You’re Lucifer Morningstar! You’re The Devil! You’re all powerful! Immortal! Unkillable! You can mold the mountains with your right hand and oceans with your left! You’re…y-you’re…!
"Hehhhh-heh! Hhhh…relax. Do-d-do you really think I...I-I...snrff!" The ailing demon quickly rubbed at his nostrils with a handkerchief, desperate to satisfy the burning tickle-- silently panicking further as the pollen he'd touched followed suit. "Would go aroud Edehhhn...worki'g...worki'g with a creahhhtion thadt made me sn-sneehh...sneehhHHHIT'SCHH-- starsnotagain-- HIT'SCHH! ISHHH'HIEW! ISHHH! ISHH! 'Tshhh! 'Tsh! ITSCHH! IT'SCHHHH-’TCHH! …ihhHH-!...IT'SHHH’HIU!"
His cane fell to the floor with a sharp thunk, staggering back at the force of the fit. Feeling the flick of embers on the tip of his forked tongue, Lucifer let out another uncontrollable outburst, flames licking the metal railing. Slapping a palm over his mouth at the melted remains.
"O-oh goodness I-- HIT'SHHH’hiew! I'b so sorry Charlie, I-I didn't mbean to- to– IT’SCHHH'hhhiew!" He scrambled to weave the well-soaked cloth with fiberglass, pressing it to his face, a cascade of smoke and hellfire pouring into its fluttering fabric.
"One. Bless you a million times over. Two.” Charlie’s expression changed into something unimpressed. “To answer your earlier question…yes, I absolutely believe you would work through allergies."
"But! I! I-I..." Despite Lucifer’s suffering expression, his daughter swallowed the urge to sigh in relief as the Sin of Pride flashed through all five stages of grief at once before finally landing on acceptance. Watching as the fallen king ever-so-gently set the flowers at his feet and, like molding clay, formed an ornately-carved cloche over the holy gift. Then, silently, leaned against the undamaged edge of the railing. And cringed as he let loose a gurgling noseblow.
"Adgels don'd get allergies. Idt was jusd-- Oh for fugg's sagke hold on." Lucifer Morningstar, former keeper of light, might as well have reclaimed his title at the way his embarrassed blush lit the night sky. He inhaled again, deeper, and reprised his mucky solo. "Ahem! It was, um. A lesson."
"...What?" Charlie’s face fell.
"Yyyep! A moral lesson about pride." Fidgety claws scooped up his cane, tapping the heel on the floorboards. Gripping it tightly to keep them from shaking.
"I was young, y'know? I had a lot of ideas. And boy were they a lot in more ways than one. I loved making flowers. Chrysanthemums. Violets. T-tu...tulihhh...hih!" Lucifer sniffled, feeling the itch rear its head at the thought of them. He quickly dissipated the pollen still stuck to his gloves with a hearty shake and gave an another sharp blow, "Ugh, 'scuse me. You get the idea."
Inhale. Exhale. "I wasn’t exactly doing well in my father's eyes. I was doing too much. I was too much. So They ordered my brother Michael to curse every flower in Eden. They...I mean hey, they weren't wrong. At the end of the day, the stories didn’t label it as an endless paradise for nothing, hah!" One final, hollow, empty chuckle. It was getting harder and harder to keep his smile, he could feel his muscles pulling at the seams– how did Alastor keep the whole Cheshire grin shtick up every goddamn minute of the day? It’s torture!
"I needed to slow down juuuust a smidge. Think about other people for a change and how my creations might cause problems for others without realizing it. So the second I touched down in the garden I created, hoo boy! I couldn't– snff! couldn’t stop sneezing. Ughhh, it so humiliating! A huge damage to my– snfff! my pride. I mean for Heaven’s sake, the two mortal lives I’m supposed to protect got a full view of their guardian angel completely taken over by what? Some yellow dhhh…snfff! dust? I wish I could say I didn't deserve it, but I did." He stared down at his feet, "Sorry. I know you worked hard to get me those flowers– and it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten, bar none! But I’m afraid I’m aller– …allerhhh….a-allergihhhHHet’shhh! Het’Shhh’hiew! h-hehhhh…” Shit, not again! The handkerchief was well past its due date and he could feel another burst of fire crawl up his throat and the itch kept building and building and–
“Ehhh…hhhHHH-! Hhhh…” Lucifer nearly choked on a gasp– tickle suddenly forced back when a slender finger pressed under his twitching nose. He couldn’t help but sigh in relief, shoulders slumping. Ugh, what a nightmare. Burning blush creeping down his neck, Lucifer was ready to spread his wings and fly back to his hotel room-- his palace workshop-- anywhere but face the disgust that followed. But Charlie needed him to change. He needed to change. So he steeled his resolve, slowly lifted his head and--
"What the FUCK!"
--floundered to grab the railing for balance. The princess of hell and queen of sunshine and rainbows suddenly surrounded herself in a wildfire of rage as she dared to chastise a moral lesson from God themself. "Are you fucking kidding me?!"
“...L-language…?” Lucifer squeaked out and nope– that callback absolutely fell flat. But it was all he could offer as Charlie tore her hand away to pace in circles, charred hoofprints trailing behind her. Oh. She’s defending him.
Wait. What?
Oh, wow. That's uh. That is currently a thing. That is a thing that is currently happening now.
"--dare they just. Change their mind?!" Shit! Daughter in distress, snap out of it! Quickly shaking his head free of shell shock, Lucifer pushed himself off the railing, hands outstretched.
"Oh come on Char-Char, you know me. Sin of Pride over here! I needed to be humbled somehow! Hah!" His joking tone only fueled the flames, and before he knew it long, flowing locks were floating, flaring with every unsteady breath.
"Oh yeah, because making you suffer is tooooootally the answer! I'm sure you had plenty of time to bless their forgiving hearts between the seconds you were sneezing your head off!" She snapped.
"It was a different time Stardust, and the way anyone was ever taught--"
"And what, your brothers were just too good to defend you? To even try to see your side of things?"
"I-I was being a bit disobedient–"
"You were LITERALLY doing the ONE THING they asked you to do! Grow a garden!"
“It’s more– snff! it’s more complicated than that.”
“What do you mean ‘more complicated’?! Why are you taking their side? Heaven did something awful to you!”
“I’m not– they were just trying to– I wasn’t–!” He practically pulled his mind through a labyrinth of dusty closets, forcing open memories with triple locks to find a single shred of an excuse– only to find each one empty. “There’s paperwork! Permission! Rules! A-and sure I did my best to follow them, but as always I got carried away– I deserved it–”
“Never say that again! Never, ever say that again! You never deserved what happened to you!”
Lucifer’s words died in his throat.
“You shouldn’t have to hide behind jokes because you feel guilty for having a dream, Okay?!” Charlie threw her hands up in exasperation, a strange concoction of extreme love and kindness at the loudest volume she could muster.
“O-okay???” Lucifer stuttered out.
“Good!”
“Goo-good!”
Satisfied, Charlie exhaled sharply, stomping over to the railing to sit down at its melted edge. Legs dangling above the skyline, lights twinkling like blossoming stars beneath her hooves. The tense silence only lasted a minute– shattering with the clink of glass, a sweet smell following suit. Then slowly, carefully, Lucifer sat beside her. Twisting thin, emerald stems between his claws. He nervously glanced her way. Then down at his lap. Then back to her. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.
“Sorry, Dad.” Charlie murmured, “I didn’t mean to yell.”
Her oncoming spiral of apologies was cut short when a lily snaked into her hair, delicately tucked behind her ear. It was a small action, but…
She smiled, leaning into her father’s touch as he began to weave the bouquet into a long, silky braid.
“It would be a waste to ruin such a nice– snff! Nice offering, wouldn’t it?” The King of Hell muttered from behind. Charlie hummed a soft note as she leaned into the touch, claws gently scraping against her scalp as he worked, forked tongue slightly sticking out as he concentrated.
“Thank you. For, um. Sndfff! Ugh, sorry. For being patient with…with mbe– hih! Hit’schh’hew! ‘Tshhew! Nhh…” She could feel a sudden jolt as he twisted his torso to the side.
“Of course.” Charlie pat his hand. She would admonish her new resident for pushing himself, but as the resident rehabilitation expert, she’d let this one time slide. For now.
A brief pause as Lucifer made the finishing touches on her new hairdo– a tapestry of pale thread and an aurora of watercolors. His own little garden. She turned around to see a nose already twitching, cringing when nothing came from a sniffle, too blocked up by 'yellow dust'. Desperate to find some other way to breathe, he opened his mouth, tongue flicking out.
“Guhh…bedder show Vaggie your ndew look before I start ubp agaihhh...! Heh-!...hhhehh...HET'TCHH'hiew...'Tchhew! HET'CHHIEW! Het'SHHHIEW! HETSCHHHIEW! Heh-heh-heh-! hheh...hhhh...hooo...good golly, I-- I'mb so ssssorry–” Lucifer froze, slapping his hands over his mouth at the loud, uncontrollable hiss. Burying his face in the freshly conjured fabric, he prayed the damn thing would swallow him whole.
Frozen when two arms embraced him, adding a tight squeeze for good measure.
“I know this is kinda out of the blue, but I just wanted to say it again. Thanks for protecting me.” A soothing voice met his ears, “I mean it. Seriously. I couldn’t have done all this without you.”
Handkerchief still pressed to his face, he lifted his head, trying– and failing– to hide a sly grin. “You know, this whole allergy thigg wasn'd all bad. Whed your mom foudd out thadt Mbichael cursed every flower I’d mbade, she called for his guidance.”
“Oh, really? What’d she tell him?” Charlie raised a brow.
“Let’s see, I think it went sombethi'g like this.” Lucifer set the stage, wiggling his fingers for emphasis. “Saint Mbichael floated down frub the heavens, holy light shining above. He landed softly and delicately, armbs spread. He said the usual line, you know the one. 'Oh Lilith, Child of The Garden, blah blah blah.” He took a deep breath. “She looked himb in the eye. Grabbed his collar. And– snfff! And then punched himb right in the face. He’d graced every adgel’s presence with a bruised ndose for a week. She called it a mboral lesson in tolerance.”
And then resisted the urge to let out a victorious whoop as finally, finally, Charlie began to laugh.
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Take out the slashes. Tumblr has a block tag system in place so for example if I didn’t want to see hazbin hotel, I would block “#hazbin hotel”… Not whatever that is with all the slashes. Same for the snz kink which I didn’t even know what that was until I looked it up. Just add “#sneeze kink” to your tags as well so people can both find or block it.
Tag everything appropriately otherwise you’ll find yourself getting blocked/reported for misusing the tag system.
If you’re worried about fandom overlap, tag characters with their fandom like this “#hazbin hotel alastor”.
Again, I understand how you feel and what you're saying, but unfortunately we've run into the same problem-- I feel as though I am tagging appropriately-- along with others in this community since that is generally how our tags work. #hazbin hotel alastor is widely used and would most likely never be blocked, and #sneeze kink or #snz kink doesn't do much better since I:
1) only really use 'snz' shorthand to hide things further, and those within the community get the message and the ones who don't usually shrug and move on. I could compromise and add 'kink' to it, but we'd end up back at the same issue as the #hazbin hotel alastor part.
2) the slashes are important so no one finds these things in the first place. People who do want to see hazbin content will most likely type in or block #hazbin hotel and have no idea what #ha//zb//in//ho//tel even is. This seems safer for people who DON'T want to see it. I apologize if I am explaining incorrectly.
Thanks for asking, though! If you feel like you'd rather not see any of it, you're free to scroll and move on. Again, I think if I took out the slashes you and others would've seen it much sooner, blocked tags or no.😅
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@goodlucksnez OKAY BUT LIKE FANTASTIC POINT.
"Like v/ox hearing that and making fun about how unprofessional a/l broadcast is…that would piss him off so much more hahah yes"
Whether there was actually dust in the studio or not and Lu/ci/fer was absolutely, 100% not lying about it being dust and isn't sick, you KNOW V/ox is going to be obnoxious for the rest of the week about how clean and up to code and comfortable his studio is. Lu/ci/fer is obviously miserable because A/la/stor is just the worst at being a host for his guests. The V/ees are OBVIOUSLY superior (obviously) and he's definitely not threatened in any way that there's a new rival in town. Why would he be jealous? Who said that? He's The King of Hell, that's all, V/ox isn't salty whatsoever--
Also side note: that point actually makes it 1000% funnier when you realize Lucifer had gone 'radio silent' for a very long time, and the first time anyone hears or sees or perceives him in any way it's:
Majorly assist in stopping an extermination AND kill the first man ever created in one day.
Show up for a single interview, never answer a single question, sneeze a few dozen times, and then fucking bolt.
This wav has my entire heart and lungs I'm just saying--
Interview Ablaze (Lu/cifer + Al/astor)
Welp! After much MUCH procrastination, here it is. Lots of banter, humor, and uncontrolled fire sneezing, Alastor brings Luci onto his show for an embarrassing interview. Obviously, they fight like idiots. Enjoy! Script below the cut.
Alastor: Welcome sinners. Today we have a special guest here to answer questions on why he insisted on being a shut in for so long.
Lucifer: H'TSH!
Alastor: Ahem, feeling alright there, your majesty?
Lucifer: Oh yeah, just fine. Haha...
Alastor: Dandy. Then shall we proceed? Let’s take our first caller.
Pentious: Greetings most esteemed majesty!
Alastor: Who is this?
Pentious: You know who I am! I live across the goddamn hallway!
Alastor: Hmm…right.
Lucifer: HehTSHoo!
Alastor: Are you quite well, sir? You seem to be rubbing your cheeks an awful lot.
Lucifer: Oh yeah! It's... Hxsh! ...dust...
Alastor: ExCUSE me??
Lucifer: Might wanna clean up in here…
Alastor: Well, apologies it’s not up to the standards of the likes of your cluttered bedroom floor.
Lucifer: That’s completely different! It’s just laundry! I’d explain the difference between CLUTTER and DUST, but your two braincells are fighting each other for third place in a chess match.
Alastor: Oh, HAH, what a well thought out insult coming from someone who was given a penny for his thoughts and had change to spare.
Pentious: Um…hello?
Lucifer: Yes! Oh, sorry Sir Precious, ask away!
Pentious: Oh, thank you your highness. My question is: what material do you use for your rubber ducks?
Lucifer: Oh golly! What a super swell question! So! While you’d think they’re made from vinyl plastic, I actually use a re…reinff--HpTSHU!
Pentious: You use fire? Oh ahh…I am not sure I can do that. Well, perhaps I could. I do believe I have the materials to conduct a working--
Lucifer: Sorry, ugh, um, no actually I don’t use fire. Well, actually I did once, I made one that breathes fire. I’ve been working on that for years and --HutSHOO!
Alastor: Watch your fucking sneeze you uncrunchy leaf! You almost set my aux on fire!
Lucifer: Oh did it? Too bad, because I'm still so ITCHY!
Alastor: Don’t you fucking DARE!
Lucifer: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, you tacky mother...heh..HupTCHU!
Alastor: Goddammit! You callous cabbage! Stop sneezing!
Lucifer: I'm! HXSTCH! TRYING! Ht'choo!!! *snf* You could do something useful in your miserable unlife and hand me a tissue!
Alastor: Why? So you can burn it like my--
Pentious: Beg your pardon, Is this part of my answer…or…?
[fight breaks out]
Lucifer: Give me that--
Alastor: Don’t you fucking touch me--
[Lucifer sneezing]
Alastor: You just sneezed on me!!
Lucifer: Oh, I hope I don’t get you SICK that would be a SHAME!
Alastor: You'd better hope I don't get sick you fucking--
Lucifer: Eugh! You need a breath mint. So UNgroovy.
Alastor: Now you're just making up words.
Lucifer: Oh, too old to know what groovy means?
Alastor: YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME YOU F--
[phone rings]
[scrambling]
Alastor: sit the fuck down, sit the fuck down!
Lucifer: heh..ehh--
Alastor: I have to answer this, so control yourself you raw pickle!
Lucifer: ngh-hef-hhhh!
Alastor: Stop making noises!
Lucifer: I c-cant...
Alastor: Just hurry up and get it over with. And point yourself in that direction!
[Lucifer sneezing]
Alastor: *sighs* Here, take this and shut up.
Lucifer: You still use hankies?
Alastor: Are you done yet?
Lucifer: *whimpers* Uh huh...
Alastor: Good. Now sit the fuck down.
[Answer phone]
Charlie: Hi, yeah, uh, it's Charlie...
Lucifer: Charlie!!
Charlie: You guys know you're still on air, right?
[mic whine]
[panic scramble]
Alastor: My most sincere apologies sinners. That will be all.
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Please stop censoring your tags. Characters and kinks should not be censored otherwise they make it through the filters people set up themselves to block those tags from showing up in their feed.
Wait sorry, I'm a bit confused. If I don't censor my tags my posts will show up on the more mainstream tags (ex. #lucifer morningstar, #alastor, etc.) and make things...very much more uncomfortable for everyone in the feed. But if I do censor my tags that's also going to be worse?
The main reason I use tags is so people can filter my stuff easier. So if I remove them altogether that's going to be bad as well.
Maybe someone who follows me can also explain further? Sorry, I feel very old for asking this lol
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Hi yeah hello I'm going to be very normal about this. Totally. Mmmmhm. Firstly, I love your Lu/ci/fer voice and sneeze, amazing. Iconic. Outstanding. Everything I imagine it is. The banter is absolutely inspired and I ugly wheezed at 'uncrunchy leaf'. A/la/stor is wonderful as always and I absolutely caught that Sir Pre/cious joke.
Sound design? Flawless.
Fire breathing? Absolutely.
That brief silence followed by the mic feedback? Incredible.
Doing a little hand stimming? 1000% I will go back to pacing now in a very sane and neurotypical way. Thank you for your time.
Interview Ablaze (Lu/cifer + Al/astor)
Welp! After much MUCH procrastination, here it is. Lots of banter, humor, and uncontrolled fire sneezing, Alastor brings Luci onto his show for an embarrassing interview. Obviously, they fight like idiots. Enjoy! Script below the cut.
Alastor: Welcome sinners. Today we have a special guest here to answer questions on why he insisted on being a shut in for so long.
Lucifer: H'TSH!
Alastor: Ahem, feeling alright there, your majesty?
Lucifer: Oh yeah, just fine. Haha...
Alastor: Dandy. Then shall we proceed? Let’s take our first caller.
Pentious: Greetings most esteemed majesty!
Alastor: Who is this?
Pentious: You know who I am! I live across the goddamn hallway!
Alastor: Hmm…right.
Lucifer: HehTSHoo!
Alastor: Are you quite well, sir? You seem to be rubbing your cheeks an awful lot.
Lucifer: Oh yeah! It's... Hxsh! ...dust...
Alastor: ExCUSE me??
Lucifer: Might wanna clean up in here…
Alastor: Well, apologies it’s not up to the standards of the likes of your cluttered bedroom floor.
Lucifer: That’s completely different! It’s just laundry! I’d explain the difference between CLUTTER and DUST, but your two braincells are fighting each other for third place in a chess match.
Alastor: Oh, HAH, what a well thought out insult coming from someone who was given a penny for his thoughts and had change to spare.
Pentious: Um…hello?
Lucifer: Yes! Oh, sorry Sir Precious, ask away!
Pentious: Oh, thank you your highness. My question is: what material do you use for your rubber ducks?
Lucifer: Oh golly! What a super swell question! So! While you’d think they’re made from vinyl plastic, I actually use a re…reinff--HpTSHU!
Pentious: You use fire? Oh ahh…I am not sure I can do that. Well, perhaps I could. I do believe I have the materials to conduct a working--
Lucifer: Sorry, ugh, um, no actually I don’t use fire. Well, actually I did once, I made one that breathes fire. I’ve been working on that for years and --HutSHOO!
Alastor: Watch your fucking sneeze you uncrunchy leaf! You almost set my aux on fire!
Lucifer: Oh did it? Too bad, because I'm still so ITCHY!
Alastor: Don’t you fucking DARE!
Lucifer: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, you tacky mother...heh..HupTCHU!
Alastor: Goddammit! You callous cabbage! Stop sneezing!
Lucifer: I'm! HXSTCH! TRYING! Ht'choo!!! *snf* You could do something useful in your miserable unlife and hand me a tissue!
Alastor: Why? So you can burn it like my--
Pentious: Beg your pardon, Is this part of my answer…or…?
[fight breaks out]
Lucifer: Give me that--
Alastor: Don’t you fucking touch me--
[Lucifer sneezing]
Alastor: You just sneezed on me!!
Lucifer: Oh, I hope I don’t get you SICK that would be a SHAME!
Alastor: You'd better hope I don't get sick you fucking--
Lucifer: Eugh! You need a breath mint. So UNgroovy.
Alastor: Now you're just making up words.
Lucifer: Oh, too old to know what groovy means?
Alastor: YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME YOU F--
[phone rings]
[scrambling]
Alastor: sit the fuck down, sit the fuck down!
Lucifer: heh..ehh--
Alastor: I have to answer this, so control yourself you raw pickle!
Lucifer: ngh-hef-hhhh!
Alastor: Stop making noises!
Lucifer: I c-cant...
Alastor: Just hurry up and get it over with. And point yourself in that direction!
[Lucifer sneezing]
Alastor: *sighs* Here, take this and shut up.
Lucifer: You still use hankies?
Alastor: Are you done yet?
Lucifer: *whimpers* Uh huh...
Alastor: Good. Now sit the fuck down.
[Answer phone]
Charlie: Hi, yeah, uh, it's Charlie...
Lucifer: Charlie!!
Charlie: You guys know you're still on air, right?
[mic whine]
[panic scramble]
Alastor: My most sincere apologies sinners. That will be all.
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Still don't have the hang of tumblr queue, so, Luci wav will be coming when I'm at home to post it.
Also finished the Skye/Leo fic, another batch of small wavs, aaaand FINALLY tackling that Al/Rosie fic (I'm sorry for those who requested it, 😵💫 I haven't forgotten!)
Buuuut yeh!
Also...working on a new project with some new (or revamped?) OCs. More info on that later...
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Your Lucifer fics sent me down the thought train with him and I fell deeply and madly for this man. The way you write him 🥰🥵 Thank you for being the inspiration for my Lucifer content!!
Oh my goodness...thank you???? 0_o I mean, I'm very touched to hear that, especially considering that I've followed your wavs since college lol.
I definitely also catch some inspiration from you as well. I tend to write him as a silly, goofy guy, but there's just something about the way you write him too-- the way he carries himself more confidently, or just. the snzes in general??? Holy shit??? the intertwined symbols and loss of control are just 👌👌👌
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to the snz fic writers who are worried that their fics are too wordy and take waaay too long to get to the actual sneeze parts, please know there are people out there like me who are actually very interested in the "unnecessary" lore leading up to it.
like no, I DO wanna know these characters entire life story and why they are who, what, & where they are actually.
Like yeah, I get it I see where this is going, Rody's coming down with something, due to overworking this week to prepare for finals, but what's he majoring in? And feel free to go into detail. He behind on anything? He got any roommates? How often's he call home? Where's he from? Is he going to college in his home state or maybe abroad? Shit, he's got a CAT? Ohhh, this should be fun...
Like, go on, you know I got time if I'm reading a fic to begin with.
Plus, having read through it all and finally reached the sneezes feels like a little reward - it feels earned. Like a little adventure where you discover a little treasure, and then realize the real treasure was the adventure itself.
Moral of the story, write that damn lore and know that I'll read it. And I'll enjoy it too.
.
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When someone has allergies, but they can't get their sneeze to come out...
Just constantly feeling that unbearable tickle in their nose, but maybe they're in public, or at work, so there's no opportunity to induce themselves... they just have to deal with that damnable, persistent, eye-watering itch all day...
Until they finally get home, their partner seeing their red, twitching nose and instantly knowing exactly what they need... taking the allergy-stricken partner's chin in their hand, they use the other to lovingly feather their nose, tickling gently as they coax out each and every one of their trapped sneezes... watching them hitch and whine, their chest heaving and eyes filled with tears... shuddering and sniffling as each loud, wet sneeze finally brings relief...
They tenderly wipe their beloved's irritated nose, kissing their forehead, their cheeks, their lips... sweeping them into their arms and tucking them into bed, safe and loved, they drift easily into restful sleep...
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