instarsa-blog - Tumblr blog

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Text

🌺 2018 🌺

I’ve been dying inside for the last several years, if not already dead, but I’m hoping for 2018 to be an amazing year...~ I hope it will be a happy year for as many people as possible!~

To my dear readers, I hope you’ll be patient with me as I go forth to explain a bunch of problems, and in advance, thank you SO much for taking the time to read this!

I have been feeling insane amounts of constant pressure and this feeling is still very current; it’s like I hold so many expectations on myself that probably don’t even exist in the mind of others... feeling expected to stick to an art style, feeling expected to do certain things, feeling expected to get over ex-friends, feeling expected to not be anxious and/or triumph over my anxiety disorder, feeling expected to get over trauma, even as far as feeling expected to enjoy life... it has amounted to nothing but me willingly shoving truckloads of stress on my shoulders and remaining as silent as I could while keeping a smile on for others...

For the last several years, I’ve dealt with social situations that I was directly involved in - some of you may even be reading this due to them - and a lot of these situations have been incredibly unfair, some with and some without reason! In each and every one, I’ve been played as the abuser while everyone else are victims. Not many people have actually stood by to hear my story, and I’m so grateful for each and every one who has...! The unfair situations include as far as being abused for being anxious to later be called an abuser towards the same person’s anxiety, being called a spoilsport for feeling uncomfortable in certain situations that were genuinely triggering, being called an abuser for constantly assuming negative things that were really just fears then in turn the same person assuming things over me... it went so far as despite the same person telling me to stop assuming, they encouraged me to “get a hint” that another friend was planning on leaving...! To top it off, some situations I have consistently been harassed and bullied over through private messaging years after the events, and I have been shamed and treated like toxic publicly online while I’ve just been silent about all of this for the last five years!

The events are traumatizing and the people are traumatizing, and what’s further traumatizing is the prior constant pressure mentioned to just “get over it”.

However... where I’m at fault is a problem I’ve had for several years: communicating these feelings... it’s a result of sheltering my real feelings as a human being after dealing with decade-long unattended depression which had become corruption. When I was at my worst, I had absolutely no one, not my family, no one I trusted in school; this was back when the internet was a much less understanding place over mental illnesses... which didn’t help matters when I’d been called a drama queen, or “attention w***re”, for simply being depressed on an online world that I believed was an escape... It was a state of mind where I could no longer help myself, was so unstable that I couldn’t properly call for help, and in turn trapped me into being unaware of likely thousands of internal signals I’ve never been aware of... It wasn’t until the ending of 2016 where I had began healing and finding myself again, in 2017 onwards... even now I find myself either not picking up on some internal signals, or deciding to overlook them in favor to care for others rather than myself...

This trouble with communication not only belonged in those social situations, but the internet as a whole, as I’ve had an internal struggle of wanting to type posts like this! I back out in hopes to be someone who doesn’t throw their problems onto others, and instead is there for anyone who needs it... struggles such as wanting to do art, but I’m terrified of how strangers may perceive me and my style... then later I end up harassing myself for not producing anything and being a disappointment to followers and friends. It’s an ultimate terror of judgement.

I personally have been wanting a new start, a new beginning - I in fact have been compulsively feeling a need for a fresh start for the last decade! While my personalization is readily in healing progress, I’ve been unsure where to begin on other things such as art, because I’m too use to just going with the habits I’ve already learned, inside and outside of stylizing... when I was much younger, art was a passion I picked up to help me escape from the depression I had been feeling... but since my family has never been wealthy, my parents abused me into a mentality of art = money, thus that being one of the escapes that were taken from me. Even these days that mentality lurks on me even when I don’t want it to be... I want that passion back! Whenever I try to illustrate an idea, I don’t feel anything towards the “how” - I end up doing what I’ve already known, but I don’t like what I already know... this specific dilemma has been with me for so many many years...

My anxiety is absolutely crippling, I overthink absolutely everything... so if you’ve made it this far and you’re thinking “this is just overthinking there’s no actual problems here”, then I guess you could be right... I wish I could get medical help, but unfortunately under the current living conditions I have, it’s impossible... but it most definitely is a first goal when I’m in a better place!~

This is where it breaks down to last year, 2017: a year full of offline progression, which I feel deeply guilty for and I’m so sorry there’s been a following of inactivity... even if there’s not many who may find this and take a read, I feel a constant pressure to document it anyway - it’s a pressure that makes me feel “if I don’t let my readers know this, I’m being dishonest, and that’s a feeling I can’t stand to live with”. Some friends I care about and love deeply are now gone, while others started coming back from the past... yet in the end there’s an overbearing fear that those who came back are only here because I was the one who reached out...

Due to the year being full of offline progression, it had felt incredibly empty, yet despite that feeling, some really positive things happened!! I own a long overdue new laptop, an overdue new ACTUAL phone, a new internet plan, some PTSD has been triumphed over... and to top it off, Rapo and I have a plan of action to live together now! The thought of it sorta stresses me and enforces the art = money mentality I want to kill, but I just need to remind myself I won’t be alone and she’ll be helping too... 2017 may have been a very stressful year, but I do believe some of the stress amounted to very good things!!~

I’ve given promises that “new content will be sometime eventually!!!” and I’m truly sorry for it having yet to happen... part of me feels like it’s been empty promises since it hasn’t happened as soon as I would prefer, even if technically “eventually” can mean whenever... I’ve really been wanting to truck out content for so long, about as long as I’ve been hiding this inner turmoil!! I just... felt like I needed to express something here, before my mind literally snaps underneath this Mt Everest of pressure...

To conclude all of this, I’m taking a hiatus from online activity. Honestly, not much will be different during this hiatus as I’ve practically already been on a silent one... I don’t know how long this will be, as healing definitely takes time... it could range from months, to a year, or maybe even a few weeks! I’m personally hoping for it to not be for too long, as I don’t like keeping anyone waiting... this will only be until I find myself up to a point that I know what path leads ahead of me and heal my mentality towards art! You may even see a few things change during that time!

When I come back and feel ready, things may be very different, with myself and the content I create... if anyone takes offense by this, I’m so sorry, and I’m sorry that I can’t satisfy you... I’m incredibly terrified to put all of this out here online as it’ll most definitely look like senseless dribble to a lot of people, and more than likely be way unimportant... I guess some part of me is convinced that those who are worth it would be more disappointed if I kept going on in the mental state I’m in... I considered just not saying anything at all and letting time prove this, but I was worried there could be that ONE person out there worrying, and I don’t wish that kind of anxiety on anyone!

The only real difference between before and now is that my queue won’t be posting anymore, as I’d like this to be the post at the top of my blog for anyone to reach, just in case they come by here looking for me... I wouldn’t want anyone to think of me as being dismissive... as much as I fear how unimportant this is, I felt the need to put this out there so I’m not leaving absolutely anyone in the dark!!

I try so hard to be super positive online, and in general, for everyone around me... but if I can’t be positive for myself, how can I for others and the ones I love?

I’m hoping that anyone who may have similar problems, if they come by and take their time to read this, could maybe take this whole thing as an inspiration to take a stand for yourself...! Thank you everyone who has been waiting for any kind of content, thank you incredibly for the patience, the care, and most importantly the listening... even if it’s not many, for ANYONE who’s made it this far in this post without skimming, you are truly a diamond in this world, I need you to know that!!~

A lot of this just needs to stop. Those harassing me needs to stop, my unhealthy approach on art needs to stop, my overthinking over myself needs to stop, my expectations on myself need to stop, me pressuring myself to do content and in turn not doing so needs to stop, my distorted reality of what everyone thinks of me needs to stop. I’ve been dying inside and I need to take a stand for myself, my own health, my sanity, just for once, and heal.~

17 notes · View notes

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Photo

463K notes · View notes

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Photo

I believe in free education, one that’s available to everyone; no matter their race, gender, age, wealth, etc… This masterpost was created for every knowledge hungry individual out there. I hope it will serve you well. Enjoy!

FREE ONLINE COURSES (here are listed websites that provide huge variety of courses)

Alison

Coursera

FutureLearn

open2study

Khan Academy

edX

P2P U

Academic Earth

iversity

Stanford Online

MIT Open Courseware

Open Yale Courses

BBC Learning

OpenLearn

Carnegie Mellon University OLI

University of Reddit

Saylor

IDEAS, INSPIRATION & NEWS (websites which deliver educational content meant to entertain you and stimulate your brain)

TED

FORA

Big Think

99u

BBC Future

Seriously Amazing

How Stuff Works

Discovery News

National Geographic

Science News

Popular Science

IFLScience

YouTube Edu

NewScientist

DIY & HOW-TO’S (Don’t know how to do that? Want to learn how to do it yourself? Here are some great websites.)

wikiHow

Wonder How To

instructables

eHow

Howcast

MAKE

Do it yourself

FREE TEXTBOOKS & E-BOOKS

OpenStax CNX

Open Textbooks

Bookboon

Textbook Revolution

E-books Directory

FullBooks

Books Should Be Free

Classic Reader

Read Print

Project Gutenberg

AudioBooks For Free

LibriVox

Poem Hunter

Bartleby

MIT Classics

Many Books

Open Textbooks BCcampus

Open Textbook Library

WikiBooks

SCIENTIFIC ARTICLES & JOURNALS

Directory of Open Access Journals

Scitable

PLOS

Wiley Open Access

Springer Open

Oxford Open

Elsevier Open Access

ArXiv

Open Access Library

LEARN:

1. LANGUAGES

Duolingo

BBC Languages

Learn A Language

101languages

Memrise

Livemocha

Foreign Services Institute

My Languages

Surface Languages

Lingualia

OmniGlot

OpenCulture’s Language links

2. COMPUTER SCIENCE & PROGRAMMING

Codecademy

Programmr

GA Dash

CodeHS

w3schools

Code Avengers

Codelearn

The Code Player

Code School

Code.org

Programming Motherf*?$%#

Bento

Bucky’s room

WiBit

Learn Code the Hard Way

Mozilla Developer Network

Microsoft Virtual Academy

3. YOGA & MEDITATION

Learning Yoga

Learn Meditation

Yome

Free Meditation

Online Meditation

Do Yoga With Me

Yoga Learning Center

4. PHOTOGRAPHY & FILMMAKING

Exposure Guide

The Bastards Book of Photography

Cambridge in Color

Best Photo Lessons

Photography Course

Production Now

nyvs

Learn About Film

Film School Online

5. DRAWING & PAINTING

Enliighten

Ctrl+Paint

ArtGraphica

Google Cultural Institute

Drawspace

DragoArt

WetCanvas

6. INSTRUMENTS & MUSIC THEORY

Music Theory

Teoria

Music Theory Videos

Furmanczyk Academy of Music

Dave Conservatoire

Petrucci Music Library

Justin Guitar

Guitar Lessons

Piano Lessons

Zebra Keys

Play Bass Now

7. OTHER UNCATEGORIZED SKILLS

Investopedia

The Chess Website

Chesscademy

Chess.com

Spreeder

ReadSpeeder

First Aid for Free

First Aid Web

NHS Choices

Wolfram Demonstrations Project

Please feel free to add more learning focused websites.

*There are a lot more learning websites out there, but I picked the ones that are, as far as I’m aware, completely free and in my opinion the best/ most useful.

532K notes · View notes

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Photo

31K notes · View notes

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Photo

i’ve compiled a masterpost of tips that i have reblogged over the past few months and i thought it would be easier to have it all in one place. none of these posts are by me! huge thanks to everyone that has created these tips.

exams

finals: survival guide for the brave

pennyfynotes’ guide to exam season

study tips for exams

tips for doing well on exams

how to

how to accept and grow from failure

how to avoid education burnout

how to be an efficient test-taker

how to cope with exams

how to get straight a’s

how to get straight a’s 2

how to overcome failure

how to study effectively

how to study as a busy student

how to study when you don’t want to

how to utilise your studyblr

how to do well in a class taught by a crappy teacher

improve your handwriting

improve your life

productivity

5 easy productivity tips

7 productivity tips

productivity 101

the no bullshit guide to getting your shit together

school

4 tips for delivering a perfect presentation

a self care masterpost to help you get through school

school cheat sheet

back to school

back to school advice

habits of successful students

search google like a pro

useful things for those going back 2 school

study tips

6 things people don’t always tell you about studying

effective note taking

memory tips

my 3 steps in studying

memorisation tips for different types of learners

random study tips

study habits

study methods

study smarter

study tips

strategies for writing good conclusions

things not to do when studying

tips + tricks for learning a language

types of study breaks for every situation

unconventional study tips

when to use

work smarter, not harder

misc.

four rules for a disciplined life

self discipline tips

self soothing techniques

small gestures of self-love

tips on how to get up earlier if you aren’t a morning person

22K notes · View notes

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Photo

Helpful Links:

types of anxiety disorders

what causes anxiety?

calm breathing technique

coping with a panic attack

counseling: does it work?

four As of stress management

grounding techniques

home tips to reduce anxiety

learning to say no without feeling guilty

ocd help

overcoming chest tightness

medication info

muscle relaxation

trick for social anxiety

rules for coping with anxiety & panic

self help strategies for PTSD

sleep aid kitten

social skills tips

more ptsd help

vitamin deficiency & anxiety

yoga poses for stress relief

12 foods for stress relief

9 steps to reduce anxiousness

Activities and DIY:

alpaca sock plushie

anxiety workbook for teens

anxiety relief - jar spell

calming glitter jar

comfort box

cute stress relief kit

panic workbook

stress relief bath and shower recipes

worksheet: learn to attack unhelpful thoughts

zen and anti stress colouring sheets

Interactives:

100,000 stars

6 games for anxiety & depression

blahtherapy

boosterbuddy

disgruntle me

do nothing for 2 minutes

emotions wheel

make everything ok

mindshift phone app

neonflames

planetarium

rainymood

stress analyst

the thoughts room

the quiet place project

worry rockets

59K notes · View notes

instarsa-blog · 6 years

Text

INCAPABLE TECH COMES TO AN END!

September 18, on the day marking six years of knowing my amazing lovely, my NEW LAPTOP had come in the mail…!!! As some of you may know, I’ve had written on my story page:

My laptop is nearly broken - broken fan, broken battery, broken keyboard, broken internal mic/webcam - USB keyboard, USB mouse, and USB mic/webcam are necessities which automatically takes up all of my USB ports… it initially had 400GB, but now a max of 92GB after a shop fixed the keyboard, which prevents me from storing speeddraw clips… the graphic card is a very old series, and when working on my OS, doesn’t support any 3D elements… and when I boot it up, I get flashing lights, which is a hardware problem - it’s overall stressful to use it

… Finally, this 5-year-long turmoil finally comes to an end!~ Don’t be afraid if you see some big changes taking place!!~

My ko-fi will be updated to reflect this change!!~

Slowly, on my ko-fi, it was visible that our fund goal of achieving this milestone was slightly over halfway… would you believe me that a miracle happened though?

Small story: A while back, a little before updating our internet plan, we had needed to go to Staples and get a new router. Since then, we recreated our entire internet settings - going from a connection named BlueCookie to KIWI! When we were in Staples, I was the one heading right for the router section, however my dad had been looking at laptops and spotted one for $250. I didn’t bother looking into specs because it’s not what we were there for… but after we came home, for weeks he’d periodically bring it up, and my younger sibling would even tell me he may plan on buying it for me but “don’t tell him you know”. a few more weeks later, we’re eating steak - my FAVORITE food - and my dad says “you know that laptop at Staples we saw? if you find a cheap one online then there you go,” so I tell him casually, "I’ve already been saving up for one that’s $250”

With no hesitation, he replies, “then go buy it, I have a $300 credit card so don’t go over $250”

My heart... flipped... OUT!!

I will admit however, the one in the photos is not the one I had originally intended on getting! The original one was an HP Premium Flagship, but the one I ended up buying is a HP Elitebook!

After comparing it to the Flagship, I decided the Elitebook might be better for me - it had a better graphic card, the same amount of GB, more ram, and is a little lighter, though weight isn’t too important to me! It’s also a little smaller; I was worried about resolution, but after looking in the FAQ, the resolution is the same as the one I had gotten use to for years…! The Elitebook also turned out to be $227, so it was also a bit cheaper! So all in all, I’m so glad I had chosen this one~

Although these funds had came from my father, I assure each and every one of you that the money that was oh so kindly donated was still put towards a good cause! I ended up using it for various other things I was in need of to help my self-care!~ I’m still so VERY THANKFUL to everyone who chipped in!!!~

Now, I’ll be honest- I actually did NOT start using this machine until October 1st. Any sane person would ask, “WHY?? YOU WERE SO DESPERATE WHY WOULD YOU WAIT???” Long story short... I had projects I wanted to finish on the other one; I really didn’t want to move them over to a new machine, as stress would be involved in the experience, and wouldn’t help me enjoy myself as I possibly could... this is being posted only now because everything crazy - projects and troubles with the new PC alike - has finally settled down!!

I’m so excited to be using this new machine! I am SO excited to have a decent working mobile laptop again, I AM SO VERY EXCITED to produce SO MUCH MORE content... things will be stressful as I get back up on my feet, and I have so many ideas in mind that it will be a bit hard to start... so keep your heart open and your eyes pealed, some big changes are coming along with so much more content!!!~~

{So sorry for the late post, by the way! I’ve been needing to post this and I didn’t know when was a good time... I hadn’t felt ready for so long, but finally, I think the time was right~ ♥}

1 note · View note