Broke down

So today i broke down. The true nature of the indonesians are out. Spy and tell. Seriously fuck them.

Your Ipad is like your heartbeat.

Hmm, I don't like this. You're not thinking. You're just giving them what they want.

Those 2 lines she said to me, its sooo, not hurtful, just annoying. Like, woman please. What do you want? Ask me talk to head designer, when i talked to the assistant.

Still not thinking of quiting. If i can tahan that company for 4 years, i can tahan here 1 year. Haha.

Left that hell hole.

Anyway, I have left that job after staying like 4years and 1 month. I have 8 days leave but they want to encash me so I can stay longer and slaved for them. Being dumb dumb, I say ok. Its money and I need to pay my debts.

And after the weekend, I started my new job. Mind you, that weekend, 1 of it, I went back to my old office to work. WTF am I so hardworking for them.

So this new job is ok ok I feel. Start later, ends later. I accepted it so that I can leave that company. Working with alternate Saturday. Something I'm not keen honestly. So, let me stay for a year first then I will make my choice.

And hey ranting page, you're not dead. I am almost dead. Haha.

Bring out your boss bitch

I'm trying my best to finish it and you still rush me for it. I have other projects to do too right? You know that and still, being a woman i hate.

I still don't know what I'm doing in this company. Being unhappy for 3 years made me gain 10kg, literally. Eating my stress and pooping them.

3 years and still dying

K fuck. I wanna quit. And yes, tomorrow is my 3rd year is this company. Like seriously, me and my colleague were in a bloody discussion and she, the main female boss, shouted at us for not being in the meeting. Like fuck. We are just fucking beside you and mind you, the meeting is a zoom meeting. Lame i know. Times like this, i really wanna fucking quit. I mean, why shouldn't i. My favourite senior is no longer working. So i should leave right?

I hope i got the job i interviewed for last week. Like please tumblr. Pray for me. Coz nobody reads this blog as its just a ranting page for me.

So much anger I'm feeling now but i should stay calm, like the last 3 years. Haha fuck. Im such a joke to myself.

Life's such a wonderful gift

She bought a condo. Near me again. So ya duhh, I'm coordinating again. FML.

Now is the payment part because sort off end already the renovation. And again, she doesn't want to pay. And here I am, losing my money to pay her house. Shitzz.

That time again

So. I wanna quit. Like duh uhh!!

Idk where i stop the previous time but update, I'm coordinating her house now. Its almost the end and its shit. Suggestions suggestions. My suggestion is to wait and you can't wait. Bloody toot. You wanted. That table so badly and now. Toot toot toot. What's wrong with waiting siia. Annoying humans why you still living near me. Why?

I'm gonna quit after that bloody table have been installed. And then i will rethink about life, again.

Restless

I think i can only sleep and rest well once i quit.

Blackie died today

6 November 2018, est 10:15pm.

My 1st cat died today when I came back from my long long 2 weeks holiday. About 2 weeks, roughly 2 weeks. She was waiting for me before she passed on.

I'm sorry I had you waiting. I'm sorry for not caring and loving you more. I'm sorry for every bad things I ever did to you. I'm sorry.

I see and feel you as your soul leave from my hands. Its something I will never forget from the first day I brought you home.

To End or Not To End

i am 28 and constantly having issues with myself. 

i just want to be alone. sometimes i feel if i didn’t exist, it’ll be better. i feel like i’m a burden. i cry. not all the time. i cry when i’m stress at work or when my dad say things that hurt me. 

i don’t get myself. i never think that suicide will solve everything although its like an easy option to not exist in this world anymore. i always think that an accident for me, will be good. and die? maybe, maybe not. i don’t know where i stand anymore. i don’t have a say. is this the life of a loser?

i think it is. 

Sick Leave

So i decided to take a sick leave today. I mean I've been for more than a week with fever flu and cough and to add up, period cramps. So I thought everything will be normal.

But hell no. The senior texted me to tell him if I'm on mc i should tell him also. I mean i used to but after that it just got redundant. And no one told me i need to finish the drawings today. By no one, i meant him because he just went through with me like last friday evening. And bla bla bla, boss say must give cllient today. Bull shit. Its 10am, I'm gonna rest and go thru hell for the next 4 days.

Holiday

In need of 1 holiday.

It's that time of a month again. I feel like my head and brain are ready to burst. And nowadays i feel lifeless.

Update

So... After like hmm almost 10months... I'm still here. Working. My uni friend recently just join in. Soo, i feel less lonely. But now the work.... Still same load, never ending. Seriously, why am i even here?

These days, i feel im lacking of love.

Ok. I need love now.

Relax, you will be okay.

Inspired by @lightheartedsuggestion 

Confirmed

So, probation is over. I thought the company will throw me aside, like disposing rubbish in a bin. I mean, that’s what I wanted actually but they need manpower and seems like no one is joining-in-yet and they can’t seem to dispose me yet so here i am, suffering again. Why am I doing this to myself? Trust me, I don’t know.

Mistakes

So, can mistakes be forgiven? I would like to say it’s my fault but not fully. I mean, i don’t know. I know we need to take initiative all that but i’m an introvert. Ok fine, that’s an excuse. 

But anyway, contractors, carpenters... why must you guys make the carpentry wrong?? Maybe it is my drawings but i believe you can ask right? sigh. You guys in trouble is also making me in trouble. thanks but no thanks.

And I always blog my complain here, like the blog says, insecure interior designer. I’m still under probation here and this month is my appraisal. 80% of me is like, no longer here. And the remaining 20% is like, I still need this job because I have a car loan to pay. I have a backup plan (part time job convert full time) BUT, its a boring job but stable pay i guess. I don’t know guys. There’s so many things to think about and I feel my life, it’s neither here nor there. It’s like I’m at the end of an alley, with nowhere to turn. 

If I could turn back time, I don’t think I will choose this line again.