I went to a restaurant with a friend yesterday and upon entering we saw these splendid blueberry tarts under bell jars on the counter and we made jokey small talk with the waitress like oh, people will fight over these if there's not enough for everyone, it'll tear families apart, are you making more later? and she said no, I'm afraid that's our entire stock for today, but there are 18 slices, it should be plenty! It was a small village restaurant with only one menu du jour so there weren't any other dessert options but they don't usually get that many customers—but then a couple of large groups arrived and most people noticed the tarts like we did, and went ohh blueberry tart, it's been a while, I can't wait, and it became clear that when we'd get to the end of our meal there would be winners and losers in the blueberry tart rush

But later as we were about to order dessert I wasn't hungry anymore and I was like well that's too bad but someone else will be glad to get 'my' slice of tart—and my friend said yeah, me :) You should order it anyway, I'll eat both! At first I thought she was joking, but no. I said, there's not enough for everyone, you can't take two, and she said, we were going to order two slices, what difference does it make? and I was baffled that she couldn't see the ethical difference between two people eating one slice of tart each vs. one person eating two, when there's a limited quantity of tart. I felt like we were in a simplistic social justice metaphor it was so obvious, but there was no changing her mind. When I said "it's just... not nice" she said "okay" with a shrug, and what can you say to that. She added, you don't know any of these people and I was like, why are we reverting to tribal dynamics in a non-apocalyptic setting, how would you feel if we'd arrived a bit later and seen others ordering two desserts knowing you'd get zero? And she said, I would think that's their right, and I felt kind of amazed.

I pointed out that if she didn't think it was a wee bit wrong, she wouldn't ask me to order her second piece as if it was for me, and she said yeah maybe we don't need to do that, there's no law preventing me from ordering two desserts. What about Kant's categorical imperative Okay I guess you're not breaking any laws by taking more than your fair share of a thing other people also want, just failing a kindergarten-level morality test. I felt embarrassed for sounding like an annoying preachy rigid person so I dropped the issue, and as she ate her two slices she'd smile at me every time we overheard someone order coffee without dessert—like "See? There'll be enough, no one will be deprived of tart because of me!" as if that cancelled the fact that she didn't care in the first place. I guess it was one of these tiny issues that can still significantly alter the way you perceive a person. I tried to tell myself not to be so bothered about this small thing but I was! so bothered. And I felt like writing a letter to some agony aunt like "should I end a friendship over irreconcilable blueberry tart ethics"

The reason the work you’ve done on how you feel doesn’t seem like it’s working is because you need to do it until it works. It’s never been “this strategy will pull you up” it’s always been “here’s something you can do that will END with you getting out of that hole” the climbing still hurts and the being underground still hurts but that doesn’t mean it’s not working

I hate the “open floor plan” that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I don’t need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth

I'm built different. like incorrectly i think

when i say i like hiking, i don’t mean “eight mile backpacking trip with special gear and an emergency beacon” sort of hiking, i mean a three mile loop to go look at pretty things and then a huge brunch after.

More stories where romance is not the point but it is a point.

We’re on a quest and I’m liking you more and more.

I’m training to be a wizard and you’re training to be a knight and I hope I can convince you we should get married when we meet again.

We’ve got lives to live and this spaceship to fly and people to help and I love you.

I’m a king and you are my loyal companion who helped keep me alive long enough to take the throne I love you and that could become more than it is.

I trust your rule and I will protect you and I think I love you.

I’m a ruler and this marriage is for heirship and I’ve got a thousand other duties but you are passionate and intelligent and understanding and we could love each other.

The world is crumbling as we know it but we always intended to get married and why should we let this get in the way

We’re both busy fighting schemes and keeping alive but I love you let’s stay alive

Love is transformative but it’s everyday. It happens while you are living. It doesn’t take you away.

thinking about “you haven’t met all the people who will love you” and like!!! you also haven’t found all the things that will make you happy!!!! there will always be new authors and musicians and artists whose work you will one day discover and love!!!! there will always be new hobbies and skills for you to learn and feel fulfilled by!!! there will always be new things around the corner that will bring sudden and unexpected happiness!!!!!!!!!!!

i think it is important to recognize the ways in which your favorite thing sucks. i think it keeps u normal

Biggest reframe of my artistic life was when somebody pointed out that putting down your own work in front of people who enjoy it is tantamount to insulting those people’s taste. Knocked the self deprecation right out of me

I wish more people who published video essays would simul-publish their video essay as a text essay too... looking at a video essay like I'm interested in your topic!!! please let me read the thing rather than have to watch a video!!!

Exit Strategy has so many gems that it's easy to miss some of the more subtle ones. Today I'm fixating on the video that our protagonist sent to Gurathin when he asked what it's been up to.

Specifically, the title of the video.

"Murderbot Impersonates An Augmented Human Security Consultant"

Murderbot. It calls itself Murderbot, a name it has never told anyone before. A name Gurathin took from its memories in one of their last meetings, and while it seems more, like, annoyed than traumatized by this, it still is a pretty rude thing to do, let alone share without permission like he does. (He does have valid reason to be concerned at the time, but still.)

What does it mean for Murderbot to call itself Murderbot in a file made to answer the question of the human who found out it's called Murderbot? Remember, this isn't something it had lying around - it edited together video on the spot to answer his question.

Every time I reread ES, I find my own underlining of that title and ask this question again, and then forget it.

It becomes slightly laxer (again not entirely willfully) with the name in Network Effect, but Murderbot's name is usually private information that it doesn't choose to share (later in ES it does choose to reassure Mensah that it is who it says it is, which, again. Just. Imagine being in the position where a technically-killer construct reassures you that it calls itself Murderbot. What a time).

It could be a sort of subtle dig, that it doesn't need to hide this info because Gurathin already has it. It could be an unconscious act of, if not trust, then neutrality, that it doesn't need to hide this info because, again, Gurathin already has it. It could be a reminder, a comedic juxtaposition with the rest of the title and contents of the video. Hell, it could be Murderbot's idea of an in-joke at this point. I just don't know. But when I think of this passage, I think of the part soon after, where Murderbot grudgingly appreciates Gurathin giving the hostage negotiator such a cold shoulder that even it's impressed. I think of it interrupting Gurathin viewing the recording because the rep has arrived. I think of Gurathin, wrist-deep in manual controls (and hey, when they discussed the humans' luggage, Gurathin's mention was his specialized toolkit).

I don't know. There's a lot there. Gurathin is, ever more obvious on each reread, just Murderbot: Human Edition, and Murderbot absolutely refuses to acknowledge this in any form, and it will still take care of him.

the allergy i am seeing grow up around small talk in any form is troubling to me. do you know how to make friends with people in your physical environment? it typically starts with small talk. do you want to live in community? small talk. do you want to have the type of relationship with your neighbors where you can run over and borrow a battery for your smoke detector when it starts beeping at 10pm? small talk!! do you want leeway from your coworkers when you fuck up something small? you gotta be able to build a relationship and that's small talk, baybeee.

"but i don't need friends and i don't care about community!" okay, lone ranger, what about the people in your community who need you? "but i have social anxiety!" me too, bud! we simply must soldier on. making up lists of questions to ask people helps. and people are predisposed to be generous, i've found. even if you make some kind of mistake, what is this but the natural give and take of human interaction? nobody is perfect.

you were not put on this earth to live by yourself and then die. you need people and people need you. treat those around you with curiosity and generousness of spirit and you will gain so much goodwill in return.

Thinking about the way Murderbot refers to itself and SecUnits in general as murderbots (derogatory) and then ComfortUnits as sexbots (derogatory)

Like yes. It definitely had some issues with ComfortUnits as a concept that it needed to work through but it's also funny to think that maybe it'd just be like that for any given "unit," regardless of function.

CulinaryUnit: Oh if you need a weapon there's knives in the kitchen, if you want to stop by.

Murderbot: (Disdainfully) I don't need to take advice from a chefbot.

Murderbot: (Internally) Yes, I did stop by the kitchen, and I did get the fucking knives. Whatever.