independcnt
sideblog to marblewon.
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Fuck this taller partner takes the lead dynamic. Give me more of my short peeps harassing their taller partners dynamic.
#this is exactly why saebyeong appeals to me#i think i lost my mind‚ i think i lost my marbles.#goofies and sillies.
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Tony Hoagland, from “How It Adds Up”
#oh.................... Oh.#i think i lost my mind‚ i think i lost my marbles.#i survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.
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need someone to draw the barbie and ken mugshot meme but with sae-byeok and ji-yeong pls nd thank u
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another sae-byeok winner au thing i wrote, sort of pride month inspired bc there’s some lesbian introspection, but its mostly just Sad and Depressing(tm).
word count: 928
“nuna?”
sae-byeok, hands rising from murky water to dry another ceramic plate, hums lightly in response from her place at the kitchen sink.
“who’s ... ji-yeong?” her brother asks, with uncharacteristic hesitation.
it is only by virtue of her quick hands that sae-byeok knocks a glass off the counter and clumsily catches it before it can shatter on the floor. her hands shake, even after she sets it down. “how do you know that name?” she questions, harsh. harsher than she’s ever been with cheol. guilt needles uncomfortably in sae-byeok’s chest as she turns away from the sink to look at him, even if she’d rather not see the hurt in his eyes right now.
“you were talking in your sleep last night,” he says, looking down at his plate, not trying to avoid sae-byeok’s gaze but doing a pretty good job of it anyway. “again.”
it’s pathetic. makes sae-byeok feel sopping wet with humiliation to be caught muttering someone’s name in her sleep, some girl’s name like a lovesick teenager. “she’s—” no one. not anymore. but sae-byeok could never say that out loud, those words too heavy to ever rise up her throat. was half an hour of trading secrets enough to make them friends? it felt like they were ... something more. something sae-byeok doesn’t have a word for. but if there is a word for it, then surely ji-yeong would know.
but because ji-yeong is dead, gone, sae-byeok will have to go through the rest of her life trying to find that word without ever speaking of it.
“you ever kiss anyone? or didn’t they do that up north?” it’s easy to imagine the smirk ji-yeong’s wearing, roguish and teasing, like one of them wasn’t about to have their brains blown out by the end of the hour.
“i never felt that way about the boys my age,” sae-byeok dismisses, quickly, massaging the knuckles of her fingers to give her hands something to do.
she hears ji-yeong snort behind her. “i wasn’t talking about boys,” she says, like it should’ve been obvious.
sae-byeok looks up, confused. even more confused than she was before ji-yeong explained mojitos and tequila sunrises.
ji-yeong’s smile begins to fall before returning, that mischief coming back with a vengeance. as impish as it is, it’s a good smile. a great smile, even. “you’ve never thought about girls that way?”
sae-byeok looks away when she feels the tips of her ears start to burn, face getting hot like they really are sitting under the scorching evening sun. like it was nothing at all, with just a single question, ji-yeong managed to chip away at walls and rubble to reveal this long-ignored truth, one sae-byeok always refused to uncover.
she has thought. fleeting thoughts sae-byeok turned from, avoiding them in favor of focusing on the things that really mattered: her family, and getting them back together. it would be too selfish to entertain those thoughts, the ones that arose when deok-su’s girls came around wearing too little clothing and showing too much skin, or when the young woman ringing up her takeout order smiled at her too brightly, or even when memories from her youth resurfaced, ones of her closest childhood friend teaching her how to cartwheel, holding hands and smoothing hair as they ran inside from recess. there was too much guilt surrounding those thoughts, unable to pay any mind to them when her love life should be the absolute least of her concerns.
could she admit it now, though? speak aloud these things she refused to acknowledge for so long because it feels like this is the only time she ever can? ji-yeong was right, after all. it doesn’t matter what we tell each other. no one can really be embarrassed anymore. if there ever was a time to talk about it, it would be now.
her silence is hard, immovable. like it’s an answer of its own.
ji-yeong gives a low whistle from behind her, shuffling in such a way that sae-byeok imagines her leaning forward, chin on palm and wearing that vaguely amused expression she sometimes wears. “you walk around looking like that and really expect people not to know?” she mumbles under her breath, more to herself than anything.
and sae-byeok ... she wanted to know what ji-yeong meant by that, and why she asked in the first place, but time was running out and there were too many other things to talk about, to find out about the other girl, all while the certainty of death hung overhead, trying and failing to drive a wedge between them. it’s a moment sae-byeok returns to more often than she should, thinking about a dead girl and what she wanted from her, why ji-yeong ended up ... doing what she did.
how had ji-yeong known about—?
the plate clatters loudly onto the drying rack.
had ji-yeong wanted to—?
a glass this time, colliding with another so roughly sae-byeok should probably check for damage.
if she didn’t, then why would she—?
“finish your dinner. we can talk about this later.” her tone is clipped, and not convincing. cheol will remember she said the same thing about this new, fully-furnished apartment. we can talk about this later. said it about the suitcases of money in the closet, and the whereabouts of their mother and father too. and if cheol has noticed the pattern, then he doesn’t make it known, returning to his meal and only casting the occasional worried glance at his sister’s back, desperate for some way to reach her.
#drabble.#this has been in my drafts for probably months so#i finished and polished her..... just a little something fun (sad) for me : ) pls enjoy thnk u
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need to be on a beach somewhere
#hell yeah we're jeju-bound babeyyyyy#my hands have made some good mistakes — they can always make better ones.
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PROMPTS FOR DEEP CONVERSATIONS
* assorted dialogue for thoughtful discussions, adjust as necessary
do you think there's more to this?
will we ever be free?
what are you grateful for?
do you enjoy spending time with me?
when's the last time you spoke to them?
unfortunately, i know exactly how you feel.
this can't be all there is.
i believe in truth.
why are you so unhappy?
what was your first heartbreak like?
you have to trust me on this.
believe in yourself.
what's the first thing you noticed about me?
what are you doing to make the world a better place?
do you understand the gravity of this?
i think we were meant to find each other.
do you believe in a higher power?
if you could live anywhere, where would you go?
i haven't felt this way in a long time.
what are you proud of?
if you knew tomorrow was your last day, how would you spend it?
i can't go on like this.
we have to take a chance.
i never gave up on you.
love is the most powerful thing in the universe.
every time i look at you, i see my future.
that was a life lesson. i learned it the hard way.
i can't help but think i should have done more.
do you believe in fate?
if a genie gave you three wishes, what would you ask for?
i've always wondered about that.
at what point are we good enough?
who are you, really?
if you had a million dollars right now, what would you do first?
maybe this will make you change.
things feel different here.
life doesn't make sense.
i'm not perfect. none of us are.
sure, it's scary, but we can't stop now.
it's easier said than done.
i think you can do it.
who broke you?
how do you know when you're in love?
i know that's not the answer you were hoping for.
i wish i knew what was waiting for me.
would you change anything about me?
i've never seen it like that.
we have to keep moving. we can't slow down.
you've really opened my eyes.
has anyone ever broken your heart?
this could lead us to infinite opportunities.
what would you have done differently?
i have so much faith in you.
who was your first love?
i can take care of myself.
i think you should follow your dreams.
you've changed my life in ways i can't explain.
they always said you were different.
i'm not giving up hope.
how can we make the world a better place?
i want to leave a mark on the world. do you?
how do you feel about it?
how would people describe you?
do you ever say no?
were you expecting something else?
who do you compare yourself to?
do you believe in aliens?
i'm not a child anymore.
do you think we were meant to be together?
i trust you with my life.
you are so much stronger than you realize.
if you could say anything to them right now, what would you say?
i didn't know places this beautiful even existed.
do you remember the dream you had last night?
i don't think we're alone in the universe.
love is the answer.
that's all there is.
do you love them? i mean really love them?
we can't sit around and wait for our lives to happen to us.
have you ever been in love?
do you believe in justice?
i won't give up on them.
you inspire me every day, you know.
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also probs not an intentional nor important detail but in ep 3 when sang-woo talks to gi-hun after they rejoin the games and gi-hun is on one of the bunk platforms so he's positioned higher than sang-woo and has to look down on him versus when ali runs up to the two of them and gi-hun immediately steps down so they can be eye to eye
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#ik he's watching sae-byeok bc he overheard mi-nyeo pestering her the night before abt what she saw in the vents#so he knows SHE knows something he doesn't#but i wonder if that's why he doesn't eat his sweet bread bc he sees that sae-byeok isn't eating hers#bc i'm sure she's sus as fuck of that bread after what she saw the night before and just sus in general#idk these two are so interesting their parallels their interactions everything#and like damn he really did have his eye on her from the beginning just like she had an eye on him#they were either going to be the greatest of allies or the bitterest of enemies and well. we all know how that went#( tbd. )#oh we're so back
also sang-woo Staring at sae-byeok in episode 3 leave her ALONE you freak!!!!!!!!!!
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Standing in the Forest of Being Alive, Katie Farris
#spins around the room like a top#swallowing mud‚ swallowing glass‚ the smell of blood on the first four knuckles.
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Susan Sontag, from As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980; February 17th, 1970
Text ID: I don't feel guilt at being unsociable, though I may sometimes regret it because my loneliness is painful. But when I move into the world, it feels like a moral fall—like seeking love in a whorehouse.
#but when i move into the world it feels like a moral fall aisdbaidbdisbdisnaisbsiadn head in hands#musings.#swallowing mud‚ swallowing glass‚ the smell of blood on the first four knuckles.
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Promises of Gold, José Olivarez
#oh this makes me think of n's ji-yeong and our dynamic for them :((((( like a lot#i think i lost my mind‚ i think i lost my marbles.
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girl who is sitting in a chair quietly with a neutral expression actually screaming very loudly in her head
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Elizabeth Acevedo, from The Poet X; “If Your Hand Causes You to Sin”
[Text ID: “And for the first time in my life / I understand the word desperate. / How it’s a pointed hunger in the / belly. / Please. Please. Please.”]
#all the knives i've lapped up come spilling out of me like teeth.#musings.#swallowing mud‚ swallowing glass‚ the smell of blood on the first four knuckles.
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Rita Dove, from Collected Poems 1974-2004; “Primer for the Nuclear Age”
[Text ID: “Any fear, any / memory will do; and if you’ve / got a heart at all, someday / it will kill you.”]
#saebyeok-core#musings.#i know that my real self is long overdue — i just want to skip the embarrassing start of picking up pieces and baring my heart.
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Linda Pastan, from The Five Stages of Grief: Poems; "Because"
[Text ID: “because life seemed so short; / because life stretched before me / like the darkened halls of nightmare; / because I knew exactly what I wanted; / because I knew exactly nothing; / because I shed my childhood with my clothes— / they both had years of wear left in them;”]
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I don’t have a guidebook for love.
One day it’s a flower I wear on my jacket,
on another, it’s a dagger hidden in our bed,
on another, it’s a flame that sears.
Still, on another, it’s a sugar cube dissolving sweetly on my tongue.
Nizar Qabbani, tr. by Nayef al-Kalali, from Republic of Love: Selected Poems; “Give Me Love, Turn Me Green”
#it's a flower i wear on my jacket... on another it's a dagger hidden in our bed.... oh man . oh man :(#spins around the room at mach speed#musings.#i know that my real self is long overdue — i just want to skip the embarrassing start of picking up pieces and baring my heart.
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