incorrectbcchina
Incorrect BC Chinese History Quotes
Includes historical figures from Spring and Autumn Period, Warring States, Qin Dynasty, Chu-Han Contention, and Han Dynasty. Will not go past BC times. Feel free to enjoy.
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Sima Qian: I keep a protrait of His Majesty in my drawer. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.
Sima Qian: And I tell myself: "If I survived this asshole, then I can survive anything."
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Liu Ju: Mother, I've found out that Father's ears tends to flush when he lies!
Wei Zifu: What do you mean?
Liu Ju: Look at this.
Liu Ju: Your Majesty! Do you still love me?
Liu Che, covering his ears: Yes, but of course. What a silly question.
Wei Zifu: ...
#incorrectbcchina#incorrect han dynasty#liu ju#liu che#wei zifu#they're so dysfunctional god help them
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Assassin: I'm going to kill you!
Huhai, pulling out a scroll: Wait hold on I have to ask Chancellor Zhao first.
Assassin: ...That's not how this works?
Huhai: He said no. Sorry!
Assassin: What?
#incorrectbcchina#incorrect qin dynasty#ying huhai#zhao gao#don't worry zhao gao won't be saying no soon. give him a couple years#could also replace assassin with the meng siblings really
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Pang Juan: He stole from me first!!!!
Su Qin: Mmm.
Pang Juan: Stole my heart and our teacher's love...
Zhang Yi: I'm still pretty sure that's not a valid reason to cut his feet off.
#incorrectbcchina#incorrect warring states#incorrect zhanguo#pang juan#su qin#zhang yi#sun bin#guiguzi 4 disciples (an idol group)#hear me out pang juan really is yandere for sun bin#any normal person would've just killed sun bin instead. easy#but nooo he's like imma keep sun bin alive and feetless#wtf man
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Sun Wu: This is bothering me.
Ji Guang: Well, to be fair, Wu Zixu did dig up a corpse. And is brutally whipping it.
Sun Wu: What, no, that's pretty normal actually. I meant, doesn't he get tired? We're at 200 lashes and counting.
Ji Guang: Oh, that. You're right, where does he get that stamina from?
#incorrectbcchina#incorrect chunqiu#wu zixu#ji guang#sun wu#they're all a bunch of dumb simps for each other#supporting your bffs deranged insane coping methods#the world is sleeping on sun tzu rpf#king ping of chu: do i get no respect#incorrect spring and autumn
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"What up, I'm Liu Bang, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read." -Liu Bang, probably, sitting somewhere in Pei County
#incorrectbcchina#liu bang#incorrect han dynasty#incorrect chu-han contention#my thoughts after watching King's War 2012#it's been sitting in my brain for 2 years I'm letting it free
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[Mini Rant]
I do absolutely adore Jiang Xiaobai and Guan Zhong. They are, in my opinion, the most deranged of every monarch-chancellor pair, and every story of them is only funnier than the last. Because rather than a monarch and chancellor, it's much more just a very tired middle aged man and his unsocialized self-entitled bitchy cat-child.
*first meeting*
Guan Zhong: So you know I worked for your brother, your rival?
Xiaobai: Yeah
Guan Zhong: And that I shot you, like, yesterday, and only narrowly missed by accident?
Xiaobai: Yeah
Guan Zhong: ...So when do I die?
Xiaobai:
Xiaobai: ...Daddy <3
-----
Guan Zhong: Xiaobai please stop wearing purple you're literally bankrupting the country. Do you know how expensive purple is.
-----
Xiaobai: Daddy why did I go outside and meet a poor man whose sons have no wives :(
Guan Zhong: Because you have too many women in your palace. Please release them.
Also Guan Zhong: *Creates over 700 state run brothels*
----
Guan Zhong, on his deathbed, saying his last words: Xiaobai I literally don't care what the fuck you do but PLEASE stay away from the cannibal. He doesn't love you.
Xiaobai, as the unsocialized self-entitled cunty cat-child he is: Hm. Nah.
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*If the warring states were personified*
Chu: Ah, Qin, my arch enemy.
Jin: ...I thought I was your arch enemy?
Chu: Things change, Jin. I have a life outside of you.
#incorrectbcchina#incorrectpersonifications#jin#chu#qin#sorry I'm doing this now#I think it's hilarious btw#Jin sir you are dead
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Jiang Xiaobai: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it
Guan Zhong: Just rip the bandage off.
Jiang Xiaobai: It’s Yi Ya.
Guan Zhong: Please put the bandage back on.
#incorrectbcchina#incorrect chunqiu#incorrect spring and autumn#jiang xiaobai#guan zhong#yi ya#not exactly a shipper but I think it's hilarious#xiaobai: so daddy *twirls hair* u know yi ya#guan zhong: THE CANNIBALISM MAN????
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Ying Zheng: So are we flirting right now?
Gao Jianli: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU.
Ying Zheng: That doesn’t answer my question.
#incorrectbcchina#incorrect qin dynasty#ying zheng#gao jianli#tfw your pretty pet personal music box tries to kill you
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Han Xin: I know you feel betrayed-
Zhongli Mei: Yes. Well, that’s one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.
#incorrectbcchina#han xin#zhongli mei#really who just walks up and says hi bestie i might need you to die#incorrect han dynasty#incorrect chu-han contention
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Li Si: You’re not my friend anymore.
Han Fei: We were friends?
#incorrectbcchina#li si#han fei#incorrect qin dynasty#okay now you may be wondering why it's not the other way#but my idea is that li si is much more obsessed with han fei than the other way around#I think li si is just a bit of a loser like that#and han fei is like oh yeah that guy we were classmates lol I nearly forgot about him
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Wang Wan: How many children do you have?
Ying Zheng: Biologically, legally, or emotionally?
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Ying Si: I just saw a guy in the library cry for five or so minutes, and then an alarm went off and he just? Stopped crying? And went right back to work?
Ying Quliang: That was Wei Yang.
Wei Yang: It's called time management.
#incorrectbcchina#ying quliang#ying si#wei yang#shang yang#incorrect warring states#the legalist grind doesn't stop#incorrect zhanguo
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Wei Qing: Bixia doesn’t look very pleased.
Huo Qubing: That’s his happy face. He’s just a bitch.
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*after year 636BC*
Zhao Shuai: Junshang—
Ji Chonger, staring into the distance: Jie Zitui used to call me Junshang too…
Zhao Shuai: That’s because it’s your fucking title
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Liu Bang [seductively]: What would you do if I got you into my bed?
Han Xin: Is it comfortable?
Liu Bang: Very.
Han Xin: I'd sleep.
#incorrectbcchina#han xin#liu bang#*pats han xin* methinks this boy a lil autistic#incorrect han dynasty#incorrect chu-han contention
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