I really wanna move on.. and eventually I will. But not right now. I’m caught in between feeling upset and thankful. I should feel thankful for even being able to have come across someone so incredible. But I want to feel, upset and be sad and have my pity party and sit with the notion of “what if”. I feel like winter & the cold can really ruin and destroy your mood if you let it. And for the first time today, it was 66° today. I felt everything. Including all of my emotions. It’s always a funny feeling especially being pulled in between lively/ joyous to melancholy/ gloomy. I sit on tiktok and see so many edit’s, you’re pretty like ‘Timeless’ or ‘Lover or ‘Daylight’ or ‘You Are In love’ and think to myself, “oh that’s actually so sweet” and then I’ll see edits, “do you think i have forgotten?” playing ‘About You’ or the edits that go; “what did she look like?” and LaLaLand’s Epilogue song will be playing, and it’ll just make a little upset that things aren’t different and aren’t going to change. I’ll be on tiktok and i’ll see simple reference to Taylor and want to send it, but can’t. I’ll see cute or relatable cat videos and wanna share them. I’ll see cute video’s “this type of person” has their “this this of person”. Or that one edit, of that that one grey cat admiring the pretty white cat. and looking away when it looks back. I have so many little videos and edit’s of anything Gracie or Taylor related, i just want to share but again can’t. I didn’t mean to love bomb or overshare or do too much all at once. I was just so excited to meet someone like her, I was so excited to talk to and share all these things with her. I wanted to hear her stories, hear her reasons about why she likes the things she likes. Hear about why a song means so much to her. Hear whats her favorite thing and why. Just sit and listen to everything she has to say. I’m just wish I didn’t jump in feet first and just took a different approach. I haven’t spoken to her before but, I literally wish I didn’t know her. She’s that one girl you see on vacation or at the airport that’s so unbelievably beautiful that it’s mind boggling. She’s so pretty. i could complain about things like, “oh she’s not responding” or “I wish i could share this with her” or “i wish we talked”. But seeing the negativity in everything is just too easy. It’s so simple to say, “she intentionally ignored you” or “she wants actually nothing to do with you”. But I don’t see these things as sad or negative outcomes. For example, I didn’t listen to Gracie Abrams because Kaitlyn likes her, I listened to her, to hear why Kait likes her. Due to that fact, I am now hopelessly in love with Gracie & her music. Cause-/and/-Effect. I see everything that’s happened as a kind of gift. I wouldn’t have enjoyed these little and big things if it weren’t for her. Sure. I would have loved to talk to her about all these things and share with her my adventures and experiences. But for what it’s worth, I’d do this all over again. Who knows maybe one day I’ll get to talk to the prettiest girl in the universe who I admire so much and be able to sit and talk for hours about all these things we share in common. I always see that quote or video about how you never forget your first love & I’m not sure if love could compensate for how much I feel for this girl, but one things is for sure; I know for a fact I definitely won’t ever forget about this girl. ever.

2/14/2024 Valentines Day.

I couldn’t really choose just one photo, so I chose multiple.

Despite Not actually meeting her, She’s actually managed to revise/ rework my life. Not particularly in large ways but in small ways and many, (Kaitlyn, a total stranger) inspired different aspects of my life.

A little over the past year Kaitlyn has inadvertently influenced me so much, when it comes to style/music/personal hobbies and so much more. Only being accustomed to the music I was raised around and my own personal taste of Taylor Swift, seeing all of Kait’s tiktoks has not only made me seamlessly fall head over heels for her exceptionally stellar looks but also made me love new music (new to me). On top of the Olivia Rodrigo, Billy Joel and Ofc Taylor Swift I already listen to; The 1975, Harry Styles, Phoebe Bridgers, Maisie Peters and absolutely far from least Gracie Abrams were the new artists in my life that I now absolutely love and admire. Sometimes being the sci-fioving nerd I can be, I love to look at it like the butterfly effect or inadvertently changing a timeline, like If I never was shown these things I wouldnt have done any of those things.

During the winter in January/ February (2023) I need something to do, especially to kill so much time while waiting for the Era’s tour later that May. Aside from playing Fortnite, I’d be playing Minecraft for hours Listening to The 1975 and Harry Styles, listening to ‘About You’ or ‘Sign of The Times’. There are A handful of song I’d have on repeat because I just couldn’t get enough of them. At the end of 2023, I had a wild scheme to drive from NY to Portland, Oregon to go see the last show The 1975 was preforming for the year. (being in the name),I would have impulsively dropped everything day of and went, unfortunately bad luck struck and I ended my year by getting, not only covid but the flu right after. I was out for almost 2 weeks and unfortunately missed the concert. regardless if and whenever the go on tour again, i’ll be there.

After seeing another one of Kait’s videos, It’s almost like two puzzle pieces clicked in my brain. Like one of those ideas that have thinking “huh… why didnt I think if that”. I had never really ever given any thought to reading for fun or enjoyment, I alway have loathed the idea of reading thanks to school. A friend of mine had tried to convince me into reading, however I just happened to choose the worst book to start with. Dune, a bit of a difficult read, especially for a novice reader and that book requires knowing somethings and lire before actually reading said book. So i had got a few chapters in and gave up. My friend had asked before choosing a genre, “what kind if movies do you like? whichever it is, let that be your starting point for choosing”. It had never crossed my mind that Romance would be the best thing to go with, on of my favorite type of movies just in the form of a book. Full credit to Kaitlyn, I had a new lovely little hobby to enjoy. On top reading during that time, I had a list of shows i had been binge watching, again credit where credit is due; Gilmore Girls’ had just jumped to the top of my list and was the only thing I watched, every. single. day. so much that It had cut into my reading time, I had to leave the house to go to barns and noble just to get some chapters in. I was watching so much I managed to get my family involved half way through the show, they wanted to keep watching more than me.

In May, I went to go see Maisie Peters in Radio city, in NY. The whole show was such a unique experience, sitting with all the fans during the acoustic set but there Q&A segment was so sweet and felt so genuine and personal, I was in love with everything and Maisie. I had accidentally gotten tickets for a night in Philadelphia, so I brought a friend and saw her again in August. Maisie and her team are an absolute riot. Again, had I not seen Kait’s tiktok with the song “Not Another Rockstar” playing, I wouldnt have been introduced to Maisie Peters, I wouldnt have listen to her songs, I wouldnt have been there to experience the release of ‘The Good Witch’ and finally wouldn’t have attended the tour twice.

This past January I went to Sydney Australia to attend The Good Riddance Tour, to see Gracie. One could say If I had not been introduced to her, I wouldn’t have gone to Australia or even like Gracie Abrams for that matter. The people, their outfits and love and appreciation for Gracie was insane. After the show was over I dont think i had ever felt so sad that it was over.. The entire week building up to that friday night, and it was over in just a few hours. I was so happy and so emotional during and after the show, I had just wished that that day, that night, could have just lasted a little while longer. After it was over seeing everyone crying and hugging made me feel like I was at the Era’s tour again. I had the heart breaking feeling of, it’s over and she’s gone, off to her next location. Regardless i’m still so greatful I even had the opportunity to fly from NY to Australia and see her. It was a hell of a night.

In the conclusion, what i’ve seen across social media, Kaitlyn has me head over heels for her, she’s has made the biggest imprint on my life anyone has ever made. My love for Taylor and her music has grown exponentially because of her, My emotions for Gracie and her music have become so intense that she’s become a big part of my life just like Taylor. Taylor Swift said that, ” You are what you love” and my room design feels so much like me, more than it ever has, being influenced by Kaitlyn and everything I love. I could go on and continue this super long essay and talk about how unbelievably beautiful and pretty Kait is; Talk about how her heavenly cute hair compliments her sparkling smile that is the best anyone on this planet could ever have. I wholeheartedly believe in another universe, me and Kait are best friends.

This ‘confession of love’ Is me airing my feeling about Kaitlyn and how she’s changed and influenced my life, regardless of not knowing her, It’s funny how just one person can effect your life so much. She doesn’t know it but, she’s so incredibly important to me and i’m just her biggest fan.

Taylor Swift.

I started listening to Taylor’s music somewhere around June of 2015, the first ever song that grabbed my attention and confined itself to the inside my head was ‘I Know Places’ off her album ‘1989’. My sister would drive us to school every morning and with that play all of her music. She and I have very different taste so I’d naturally I wouldn’t have a second thought to even consider listening to her music. But one morning she just so happened to play ‘I Know Places’ and for once I actually took off my earbuds and just listened. I can remember it as if it was yesterday, throughout the whole day I had the pre-chorus wedged in my mind. “Cause they got the cages, they got the boxes and guns They are the hunters, we are the foxes and we run’. For the life of me I couldn’t forget it, By the time I got home my brain just hadn’t heard enough of it, so it’s like it recorded the song and stuck it on loop. At that point I made it my lifes mission to listen to the full song to banish it from my consciousness once and for all, littlw did I know that wouldn’t only make my situation ‘worse’. I asked my sister later that night;

“what’s that song we listen to this morning? You know the one with the foxes and cages?”

“I Know Places?” why?”

“It’s stuck in my head and I want to listen to it”... I sat down, looked it up on youtube, and began my journey that most people started in 2009. After a minute into the song, I wanted to know who made this song, so I looked at the Album name ‘1989’ and under it read “Taylor Swift”. I was shocked to be honest, That, song’s I had heard from her were usually country but then I remembered I heard a few ‘newer’ songs like, ‘22’, ‘we are never getting back together’ and ‘I knew you were trouble’. To me that felt almost felt like a life time ago, after hearing and seeing meme’s or hearing people hating on Taylor for no good reason other than it being “popular” to dislike her. Later after listening to the song I didn’t think much after it, I thought to myself “oh cool nice to see she’s still putting out music, it’s good song”. I carried on with my life as normal right up until summer break however that’s when Taylor Swift, quickly, (or should I say swiftly) took over my music taste. The radio station played about 9 songs in total off of ‘1989’. Now I am not going to say i’m at all music connoisseur but i’ve definitely listened to the radio long enough to know a bunch of different artists and their songs. But this summer was so special, I was introduced to what would become my favorite album. The eight song I heard were, ‘Out Of The Woods’, ‘Wildest Dreams’, ‘Style’, ‘Welcome To New York’, ‘Shake It Off’, ‘Blank Space’, ‘Bad Blood’, ‘Wonderland’ and ‘New Romantics’. At this point sitting in the car with my mom, I said “Alright well at this point, I might as well listen to the whole album” and that’s exactly what I did. The only downside is that when I find a song that I just absolutely adore and love, I will play it on repeat until it’s the most hated song i’ve ever heard. So it took me a good year to listen to get through the whole album and to discover that the deluxe edition existed. Soon after that I watched the “1989 World Tour Live” and never have I ever in my entire life have I wanted to be at a concert so bad. It was the most enjoyable thing to watch. The most emotional part of the tour was when Taylor gave her speech right before playing ‘Clean’. Her words in her speech,

“do you know what I think is being cool? It's being happy. And you seem really happy tonight, Sydney! You know, when somebody criticises you, or says something behind your back - those words that they said about you, it's like you feel like those words are written all over your face, all over you. And... and then, those words start to become echoes in your own mind. And then, there's a real risk that those words could become a part of how you see yourself. The moment that you realise that you are not the opinion of somebody who doesn't know you or care about you that moment, when you realise that, it's like you're clean."

I, for whatever reason, never thought i’d be touched and or moved by someone elses words but after hearing her, it’s almost like the weight of my problems and issues at the time evaporated. Things weren’t confusing or hazy anymore, they were crystal clear…. I am NOT the opinion of someone else who didnt care about me, my feelings OR even know me. I am my own person and the only person who should hear and know my truth and value is me. In conclusion how Taylor herself put it, “It was one of those remarkable moments in time where everything felt exciting” and that’s exactly how I felt watching and listening to her. and so from that moment up until august 2017, I consumed everything ‘1989’ related. I watched the movie at least 5 times, acting as if I was apart of the crowd as they all danced screamed and cried. I’ve never had such an emotional experience to music or a concert and this was only the first 2 years before, ‘Reputation’.

To be continued in next post!

In my Eras era. 💅