Crash and Burn 2

“Is this you?” Emelia asks the woman in front of her. She sees similarity of the button nose and the bangs.  “Do you know my dad, Max Guinn?”  Emelia’s voice shakes a little, the question was almost rhetorical but she still wanted the woman to answer, just to feel assured.  Dad left a lot of questions unanswered, Emelia thought.  He wouldn’t like the probing but he wouldn’t have let me see anything unexplained involving him. “No, I wasn’t born yet when this was taken.  I was born 8 months after.”  She points at the little girl.  “This is You. Emelia Guinn”.  Then shifts to highlight the woman next to her. “And this is your mother, our mother, Antari Kross”. Emelia feels a rush of blood coming to her forehead, flushing her face and almost knocks her into a shock.  All these years she wasn’t able to find a trace of her mother, not in the house, not with the staff, not with the Seisers or any close relatives.  In fact, the Seisers were the only close relatives that she ever hung out with.  Max was always quiet, promptly diverting the topic or the inquiries from Emelia to the next most urgent issue in the house or the business. Or sometimes just sheer silence, and stating that he is tired and needs some time alone.  It is the least timing that Emelia would have expected to find out anything, about her mysterious mother, after she lost the dear ones close to her, one after another, post the plane crash. Emelia’s left hand holds the left wrist of the woman, asking word by word: “Our…Mother? You are my…sister?” The woman nods and her right hand covers Emelia’s left hand: “Raizel Kross. I am about 2 years younger than you.” Raizel follows to point at the photograph again, noting Antari’s waist. “She was carrying me when she was told to leave you and Max behind.” Her voice shaken, Raizel breathes heavily through her mouth for a second or two.  Emelia gazes into the picture, as some vague memories float to her mind.  

22 years ago Emelia followed her father Max into a giant house in the country side, in a big silver car that came to pick her up.  There she was met with an elderly couple, looking at her from tip to toe and summoned her father behind heavy closed doors. And there came Madame Seiser, who was covered in black velvet dress with red hair combed up into a bun at the top of her head, bans swept aside to the right.  She was very tall, with the poise of a fox trotting across the room.  Emelia was sat down by the house secretary in the corner chair of the downstairs dining room, in her favorite dress during childhood.  She loved the green plaid dress with peter pan collars, matching with her round toe navy shoes.  “Well today is the day my friend, what is your name?” Madame Seiser lifts up Emelia’s left sleeve, instead of names she saw an embroidery of a little cross shaped like the flick of a star. Slightly frowning, she murmurs to herself: “Antari really changed how the McGuinn family raises kids, I see.”  Emelia didn’t quite understand what she was referring to, plainly answered in a joyful voice: “I am Emelia McGuinn.” Emelia was always told to have an upbeat voice as a child, it was the fiery red hair has kept Emelia staring, unapologetically. “Emelia…“  Madame Seiser stoke through Emelia’s bangs and pinned the ends behind Emelia’s ears, “You are going to become a part of this family, finally. I want to introduce you to someone.  This is your cousin; his name is Brent. Say hi, Brent, show your cousin around.” Emelia didn’t notice but now that there was a little boy hiding behind Madame Seiser’s black dress. He seemed quite shy but his eyes struggled to hide the hint of cleverness.  Madame Seiser swiftly moves to the right side, bringing Brent by his shoulders to face Emelia right in the front.  She taps his back twice, as if she injected a sudden stream of discipline and energy into the little boy.  Brent stood up straight, walked forward three steps and held Emelia’s hand: ”Come, your room is upstairs.”

Raizel touched Emelia’s right upper arm and brought Emelia back to reality, as she sees Emelia’s sight buried in deep, yet intriguing silence in the room.  She was sitting like a statue that was woken by the sound of summon. “Do you remember anything about Antari…our mother still?” Raizel asked gently, unsure if the question would trigger more embedded sadness from Emelia.  Hurriedly glancing left and right, Emelia found no traces of further memory of that day at the family house.  The assimilation took place as if everything was always planned. She fit right in and followed the rules of the house, shelving away any hint of liberty that Antari has taught her. Of course, at the end of the 22 years, Emelia remembers more about her last name, Guinn, more than anything.  It is a proud name to wear, like a badge of honor. Madame Seiser did not get the name for no reason, for the family’s heritage was too entangled with all the extra rules and expectation from both inside and outside of the house.  Emelia was not originally part of the plan, although no one was formally allowed to talk about the fact in the house, she has heard drops of the gossip elsewhere when she went to school.  She knew her strawberry blond here didn’t come from nowhere, every morning when she wipes her face clean with that towel sprayed with rose water, she cannot help but to notice that difference with the rest of the family.  Yet Max said nothing, he became a lot quieter once he came back to the family house.  He was on the phone a lot, asking questions and giving explanations and assigning protocols to the other end of the line.  Emelia knew it was best not to interrupt him during business hours at the time.  Once she crawled into the study trying to surprise him, only to be dragged by feet back out of the room by Brent and he put an index finger to her lips, signaling her to be quiet: “You really should go, this is not the place you should be in. Only men in this house can be there. “Emelia took his finger in her hand and brought to the floor: “Are you going to be in there one day? You are a man.” Brent shook his head and answered plainly :”I am not a man in this house.  I am a Seiser, there is another room Seisers go into.  It’s a lot bigger and it has turquoise panels. It has a big fish tank lining the walls.”  Emelia opened her eyes wide:” That sounds like a much better room.  Where is it? Can you show me?” Brent grabbed Emelia’s hand from the floor back to his chest:” Yes, I will show you once I am in that room. Now we must go, we should really leave before they see us here.”

Crash and Born -1

“Do you have a plan, Emelia?” Doctor puts down his drink on the coffee table, reaching over to the wheelchair.  Before his left hand could have held the handle, Emelia rolls the wheel forward, eyes blank like an empty well.  She has no words, no plans, no questions.  She doesn’t understand how her own aunt could have set up her whole family to die in that plane crash, let alone how her aunt was willing to be a part of the scheme to seal the deal.  Emelia, the unexpected survivor, now has no one to ask what the plan is.  She was not supposed to be part of it.  She was willing to pass the control of the business to Brent, even though she knows it would have not been the dying wish of her father.  What did he ever really want?  Independence?  Success? Freedom?  He wanted all of them but ended up having none, especially the way he had to pass this world. He made so many decisions, seemingly to reflect his wish and character, but ended up receiving outcomes that were far from his wish and character. Emelia never really care to talk to him, or better yet, confront him about what he waned his own daughter to grow into.  Emelia believed Madame Seiser and Brent and boarded that flight.  Emelia convinced her own family and they boarded that flight. She couldn’t escape the thoughts and broke down in tears.  Unable to speak, she started to tremble and her tears leaving a streak of wet marks on her light blue cotton trousers from the hospital, from her wrist to her elbow, in the shape of a stretched ��L”.  Lost? In a space or in a game?  Lost, she thought.  Doctor, unknowingly walked around the wheelchair and now standing to her right, lent her a box of tissues.  “This is not the time to cry, as you will have plenty at the funeral next week.” His voice calm but not cold, his palm on her thin, shaking right shoulder.  “There is a person who is coming to meet you.  You…may find interesting.” As his voice diminishes to silence in her turbulent sadness, Emelia looked up at “person”, as the door bell rings perfectly in time.  

              “Door is open.” Doctor glances at the intercom video image, slightly raises his voice towards the hallway.  The house has old reddish brown wood flooring covered with Turkish tapestry, orange flowers sewn at the corners next to beige tassels, lining the square like hollow staring eyes.  The visitor hesitated for 2 seconds after the door knob turned, peeking into the living room. She has long strawberry blond hair braided to her left side down to her chest, hazel eyes cautiously scanning the room, nodding to Doctor and eventually landing on Emelia.  Her face immediately lit up as she saw Emelia’s livelihood, or rather the lack of deathliness.  A gasp and a few steps hurriedly forward, she stands in front of Emelia, muttering in disbelief: ”It’s You.” She smiles, wiping away the tears running down her left check and kneels down to Emelia’s wheelchair’s level, with eyes still filled with more tears and uncontainable joy. “You are alive.” She looks up to the Doctor, asking for permission “May I?”  Doctor nods and walks back half a step, no longer holding Emelia’s wheelchair in place.

              It was almost too overwhelming for Emelia to move. She was taken aback by the strong emotions this strange woman shows for her, but not so strange, after examining her facial contour and her eyes, Emelia thought. There is a sense of unknown familiarity.  Her bangs swept aside, showing her reddish brows and petite forehead. Where did that strawberry hue in her hair come from? Thought Emelia.  The only red heads in the family are the Seisers.  Brent has hair like hell fire, Emelia thought. He must be devastated after Madame Seiser’s passing, as the plane crash left no one alive aside from Emelia herself.

“Here.” She puts down her tote bag and takes out a photograph from the middle compartment, putting it in Emelia’s hand.  It was a sepia photograph with a woman and a man standing over the shoulders of a blond little girl, in a dark flannel dress next to a Christmas tree.  She was holding a glittery ball shaped ornament, with a little gold ribbon bow tied to the bottom.  Emelia takes a closer look at the photograph – the man is Max, her late father for sure. Him holding his waist with his iconic long arms and smiling, at the little girl and the woman.  The woman wears a light shift dress with a skinny belt wrapped around her slightly round belly.  Her short, curly hair ends rests right below her ears and the voluminous crown carving her silhouette to be near artistry.  Her right finger pointing at the ornament held by the little girl, right arm supporting her half sitting, half laying on the floor.  She looks up at the man next to her, melting in the happiness and warmth of his gaze.

Back to...Square 1

Can’t believe that I never wrote about TRW, and here I am back to square 1. Back to single life, back to not having someone to “lean” on.

I don’t know how this all started - I don’t know why when I saw the most glowing, bluest eyes of TRW, I felt curious.  I don’t know what he thought when he met me in that elevator.  When he smiles and replies to my Lync messages.  When he reads the texts.  When he sees my bare thighs in the Robinhood costume on Halloween, and attempted to kiss me at the door step.

I don’t know how it all happened.  I wasn’t sure this passive/confused man was right for me,.  Hell, I even was still browsing OKCupid the entire 3 months when I was dating TRW.  Yet on that day, 1/10/16, we became a couple.  

After 6 years, I became, again, a girlfriend.  Only this time, I thought I was becoming someone more.  I thought I was becoming a fiancee, when I met the Wilsons, more Wilsons, and, more Wilsons.

I don’t know how it started going downhill.  Maybe because there were fewer and fewer dates to new places? Maybe we had a couple too many discussions/arguments about who does what and race/culture/money?

I can’t pin point to the reason this relationship fell apart.  I am assuming that it is me.  I am assuming that it’s because I embarrassed him in front of his family and friends.  I am assuming it’s because I push him to do things that don’t matter to him and things he doesn’t want to do.

I miss TRW.  I really do.  It’s been 1 months since I last spoke with him via text.  I don’t know how he is doing, I don’t know if he is happy and well.  At this point, this is really all I care about.  He better be happy.  He better be well.  He better be spending every minute living life the exact way he wants it.  Because if not, I am destined to make it better.  Because I am happy. I want to share it with him.  Not every little thing, just the fun things.

I wish he could believe me one day.  I am not a terrible person after all.  I have mercy.  I have patience.  I have control of my emotions.  I can lead a life on my own.  I have friends. I have hobbies.  I have goals.  I have drive. I have taste.  I have standards.  I have humor.  I have youth.  I have beauty (or at least the skills to enhance such).  

I really don’t know what it takes beyond the above to become a great partner, a great spouse, a great mother, a great friend.  I just don’t know.  I want to know.  Can someone tell me? Please?

I am already there.  I am already refreshed.  TRW. Can you see???

Columbus Day? Another rude awakening...

Last year I was able to take a road trip down to DC for the first time in my life.  I was not only feeling revitalized by being away from the toxic work environment in LI, but also was I able to enjoy nature and friendship by hanging out with old-time high school friends in DC.  I was never happier about taking this trip and I couldn’t be more grateful for making the bold move, aka quitting from the LI firm after I came back and did some deep thinking.

I was able to realize whether a group or a life is what I want/need.  I was able to discover self-worth and recognize that hard work from behind the scenes would pay off and eventually bring me to a whole different level.  I was able to make the decision of not caving in, but rather giving myself a huge round of applause for standing up against a system and people, who don’t believe I deserve to be treated the way I’d like to be.

This decision, after a year, has reoccurred at my current work environment and it’s time to recall what has happened since June 8th of 2015.

I joined the firm freshly out of my first semester of grad school, thinking I will be able to nail a position after graduation thus I tried my very best to build a brand and succeed in every possible way i can.  I worked hard and long hours, hung out with the group and took on as many challenges as I can.  I woke up in the morning, knowing what I needed and wanted to accomplish and felt the excitement and curiosity of learning every single day.  This led to not only a successful completion of the program, but also a surprisingly awesome opportunity of me joining the firm early: I was offered to start in my second semester of grad school, instead of after graduation.  I was thrilled, surprised and felt nothing but pride when i was extended this offer.  

Not until now have I realized, that this offer was a beginning to a hellish life I have not expected to live every day nowadays.

After the program I traveled abroad to Canada, and have a great time knowing I will put forth so much time to balance school and work.  At the end of the trip I was caught in a heavy rain, which left me in a miserable cold that lasted for almost 5 weeks: even today I am struggling to breathe and move without feeling sharp pain under my ribs.  Instead of informing the group of my condition, I bit the bullet and went on working and studying, as if this is self-treatable and would not go to seek professional medical advice because of my health insurance limbo (my school insurance requires no claims to be made to be refunded and company insurance does not kick in until October).  I secretly wished someone would notice my struggle and asked if I was doing ok.  Apparently that was not the case.  Apart from my attempt to conceal my pain, I was making mistakes at work due to lack of operational experience (timeliness of response to various inquiries) and received a series of warning emails from parallel manager, copying my manager and VP.  I sense a vibe of negativity, however I cannot locate when/how it exactly formed and for some reason I chose to avoid confrontation.  

During initial catch-ups, I responded as if everything is fine and I would be able to handle all this, despite the negativity that came externally, lingering above all issues that caused managerial attention during day-to-day business.

I was wrong:  I cannot handle this.  I should have rejected this offer at the time of initiation but I was coward, I did not know how to turn down people from imposing unwanted demands from me and I actively sought a solution to the problem: my unwillingness to start early.  Instead, I actually chased school officials to issue work permit and pretended everything was fine, whereas inside I have been crying out that I don’t appreciate nor enjoy such lifestyle, at all.

This Friday I spoke with my manager, VP and a director from neighboring team.  To a great shock I realized that it was impossible to explain my situation and feelings to my manager, as she was the person who pitched me to the team for this arrangement.  I felt frustrated, helpless and deeply cold towards this team after the conversation.

To a certain extent, I suddenly started understanding why HE (SM) acted the way he did, on May 3rd, 2015.

1)great but demanding opportunity offered;

2)in order not to miss it, one underestimates demanding nature and overestimates their capability and says yes

3)one struggles to comply and gets blamed on for lack of motivation

4)one explains behavior and proposes discounted expectations

5)proposal rejected, being told that opportunity will once lost never regain “It’s just a job you will have many opportunities/you are not the person for me there might be someone else”

6)one leaves, realizing cannot commit 100% and the opportunity might be more appealing down the road but definitely not for now.

This is exactly the same logic.  He realizes that he cannot handle a fully committed relationship; I realized I cannot handle a full time job when I have school to take care of the same time.

It’s just the wrong timing.  Demands are needs are so hard to meet that I deeply feel powerless and sad when realizing I am disappointing people.  No one likes that. He didn’t like it-either do I,

One thing I did notice is that I’d not be so determined to end this arrangement had I not interviewed for the firm P.  If I had no other cards in my hand, sticking it out could be my best plan and perhaps, my only plan.  This indicates that he was probably indeed involved with someone else who was ok with his situation and problems, who did not want a serious relationship either and who knew how to better have fun and enjoy time without thinking about all the stress and struggles that come from within.

I am not saying that was the best approach.  I am not saying it did not hurt me and deeply disappoint me, almost to a point that I wanted to never forgive him.  Luckily I am not so afraid of burning bridges normally:  I can’t please everyone, thus I can only ensure my happiness and that of those who truly care about me.

So true.  Sometimes you wonder whether you’d be better off if you have never met them in the first place.

friendship

carlton north | may 2015

Copyright © Daraus M

“Some people pass through your life and you never think about them again. Some you think about and wonder what ever happened to them. Some you wonder if they ever wonder what happened to you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.“ (Wonder Years)

Starting Summer Job: in a week; Starting a New Life: Now!

The past few months have been nothing but a series of roller-coaster events.  I got the job (Yay!) and finished first semester of Graduate School with a sharp 4.0.  

I am very proud of myself for accomplishing this and it has to do with both my academic devotion and emotional stability.  What I need to face now, however, is a bit more than I expected:  a painful break up as well as inability to move onto having a new life without someone who was a great contributor to my previous success.

The breakup was mutual and I professed my honest thoughts to him yesterday.  It was the first time we had any contact, since he expressed his inability to commit to a serious relationship at this point of his life. Especially when he realizes he still is in pain over  I have analyzed our history and speculated that I never had what it takes to form real love and relationship for this man.  I was a fixer-upper, over-sympathizer, Florence Nightingale type of person in the past couple months and I deeply regret allowing this side of me to rise above my day-to-day consciousness. 

Meanwhile, he also was never completely over his ex and avoided processing the remaining feelings by engaging in romantic encounters with strangers, firstly beginning with me.  He is still doing the same thing, due to the fact that he backtracked from his decision of going through therapy and taking medication.  I have not mentioned the importance of such professional help to him, for I believe it is his sole responsibility to realize this sooner or later.  

Nevertheless, I did map out the behavior that he exhibited are utterly unacceptable and unjustifiable, as well as hinting the probable symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I have given him the benefit of the doubt that he is not a Narcissist, as I made clear that if he actually gets diagnosed of this, I will have no choice but to walk away, because I have no way of tolerating this and becoming a potential victim to his manipulation and deception.  The mere fact that I am making him aware of such information and concern, is a sign that I am trying to keep him in my life.  A sign that I am (hoping?) to acknowledge his character and integrity to the extent he has demonstrated. And this is not healthy.

I have had a history with not being able to see the wood for the trees.  I have had a habit of reading into things too much and projecting what I think someone is/ought to be onto what they really are, by ignoring critical information or flat-out statements.  They have made me particularly vulnerable to become buffers, emotional airbags and the shoulder to cry on.  Literally, to cry on.

Thus, I see the urgency of having a new life, a fulfilling, gradually renewing and ever-forgiving new life.  I need to get busy again, I need a goal and thought-out plan for myself.  I need to break old relationship habits and start setting up and enforcing boundaries.  I need to be more clear about what I want and what I can offer in a relationship, without muting my voice or becoming a human transformer.  Because by the end of the day, if changing who I am is the only thing that’s needed in order to achieve happiness and keep the relationship going, then the relationship simply should not be taking place in the first place, at least not with that person.

A new life is awaiting me.  I have to be the one who makes the step forward, embrace, and go with it without looking back.

First day of unemployment

Today marks the first day of my unemployment,  I left my previous job without a new job lined up and I was really excited about this decision until this morning. 

I got up at 8, checked my emails on my phone as usual and was about to rise and shine.  Soon I noticed that I have no workplace to go to any more, leaving me empty-handed in front of the bathroom mirror. 

At this point, I can't help but to wonder: What I am supposed to do?

Here are a few things that are on my mind, once I started to ask myself the question:

-write my personal statements for my graduate school applications

-continue with job search by networking and speaking to people in the industries where i am interested in joining

-research about advantages and disadvantages on career choices I am about to make, based on the conversations I had with the professionals in those fields

-learn transferable skills that will last me in the long run, although could be hard to accomplish

-be calm. Be surprisingly calm and nice to people around.  Be appreciative to the free time and emergency fund I had to put away looking out for my days like today.

Lastly, go through the list above and if completed any, cross out one and move onto the next. 

Unemployment isn't the scariest thing.  The inability to stand by my decision and have self confidence regardless when is, however, a scary thing and everyone should never have to experience that.  Live strong, bro.

Inspired by Black Mirror

So today was the first time I heard of the British TV show, Black Mirror.  There have been three seasons of it so far, I believe.  Every episode seems like a dark prophet of the future, as many viewers expressed after watching them.  I read the summary of the plots and I must admit, that the plots haunted me quite a bit.

The abuse of technology and the missing trust and morality were really shocking to me.  I want to write a story that discusses the limit of tolerance of our society towards deception, manipulation of the majority and the influence of money, or whatever instrument we rely on to distinguish between classes in the future. 

Anyways, this story should reflect some of my concerns over the world and I truly hope it will not happen some day.