habrazy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl2I0hrg8zr/

lets start from the beginning?

we're going back to the start. we are going to reflect over everything. good and bad. what went well and what didn't go well, we are going to consider it all. it'll take a while but it'll be worth it.

i was 20 years old and i'd never had a boyfriend. never experienced that feeling of being loved by someone else, in fact i had never been kissed. i remember feeling somewhat depressed over this fact and spent a whole day wallowing in self pity that no guy has ever loved me, considering myself unworthy of love or wondering what i lacked? i had fancied many boys but none of them were what i'd consider love or an actual relationship.

and along comes reece, in november 2014. damn, that was four years ago; he was introduced to me through a mutual friend, i was obviously extremely excited by this - i mean he was beautiful; dark hair, nice beard and his dreamy green eyes. i fell for him instantly, we spoke everyday for hours, he was obviously interested too. ugh i remember i even sent him books as an excuse to talk to him; i even went to the extent of wearing an abayah for him - not god, for him. mistake number one: giving him way too much, way too quickly. but i was young and in love and very very naive. i didn't really know what i wanted; i mean i did, but they were superficial things like 'tall, beard, practising, good looking, degree'.

anyway we spoke and then one day he decided us talking was not permissible in the eyes of god, so i naively thought wow this guy really wants to do things the right way, how lucky am i??? mistake number 2: i should have let him leave and blocked him. a couple of months passed, we didn't really talk until the end of january. but this time he didn't leave; in fact he wanted to meet up. i remember feeling SO nervous, will he like me? am i pretty enough? (yes i actually thought that) do i look like my pictures? is my skin nice? what if i look weird? mistake number 3: self doubt and low self esteem - i always thought i lacked something.

we met, i paid. mistake number 4: never pay on the first date, or any date. don't allow someone to take you out and not pay. although i paid, i still had a nice time. he dropped me home (in the cab i paid for, and for his journey back) but i still enjoyed myself and really felt myself falling for him. so we met a few more times and i finally got to have my first kiss (and makeout session in his bed, it was strictly PG) and i also got high with him on laughing gas; i didn't know i was getting high either. mistake number 5: do your damn research.

and then one day he woke up and decided if was haram to talk, again. and i allowed this break. mistake number 6: this was when i should have left. this wasn't the only thing going on in my life, i was dealing with the loss of my best friend too, she had just been admitted to the hospital with multiple sclerosis - one of the worst things i've ever been through and i don't think i've fully recovered from it; it led me to a phase of depression in the april of 2015. and then he left me on this break, at the same time. i should have left him; cut all contact. but i was naive; i thought this is how it's meant to be. i didn't know how people were meant to be treated in relationships, this was all i knew. so i just got through the next two months. not a single word from him until two months later.

this time it was different; he was distant and quiet, not responsive - went hours without a message or phone call. did i mention i lent him my old phone? he also dropped out of uni in this time and had a lot of free time. it was my first relationship so i didn't know how to address issues or my feelings; when i discussed them with my mother - all i got told was to be patient. worst advice ever. mistake number 8: i didn't communicate by emotions or feelings. this led to me bottling them up and assuming the worst, stalking his social media, obsessing over him and doing nothing all day long, waiting and hoping he'd text. i became insecure and scared. scared to say something to him just in case he decided to cut me off again, so i just remained patient. until he tried cutting me off again, this time during ramadan, i understood it and accepted. again. but this time he came back straight after eid, he was obviously horny but i had enough, i said meet my dad or we are done.

deep down i knew it wasn't going to work out; he had nothing, not even a single penny and i didn't feel loved by him at all. the breakup was the hardest thing i had endured (for 21 year old halima) - it led to me a deep depression, self loathing and doubtful of myself. i kept questioning why he didn't love me, or what did i do wrong? i became the 'victim' and only saw myself as that. it was horrible, i'd have breakdowns everyday, cry in my mother's arms, wish he'd come back to me and everything. typical post break up behaviour - this lasted three months.

eventually i started to feel better once i went back to uni, started hanging out with my friends again and spoke to someone new. enter boy number 2: hamza.