i’ve been on my pancake addiction for the past few days and tbh i think it’s my favorite online ed place i’ve been. tumblr i feel like i’m just shouting into the void (which is okay sometimes, but sometimes i want something else), i don’t use twitter enough (plus it’s SO fucking toxic in every sense of the word), mpa is basically dead. mypancakeaddiction is a forum so it doesn’t have twitter and tumblr problems with content, and tbh everyone on there is just really really chill? in other spaces even though positivity is a supposed trait it often still feels like a competition. i’m also just tired of feeling alone. people want to interact with you even if you’re kind of boring and not the Ultimate ED Shitposter. idk. tbh, it’s always been an effort to keep up with my ed tumblr, rather than something i enjoy coming to. i don’t think it’s that way for mpa. all that being said, i’ll prob be less active on here bc now i have mpa and i also have been less active on my main tumblr account so. bye for now.

my food schedule:

there are two ways it can go; i eat dinner with fam, i don’t eat dinner with fam

fam

- breakfast: nothing

- lunch/late afternoon snack: 100-200 calories (fruit or protein)

- dinner: 400 calories

- “post dinner graze”: ~100

no fam

- breakfast: nothing

- lunch/late afternoon snack: 100-200 calories

- dinner: nothing

- “post dinner graze”: ~100

- “before bed graze”: ~200

aka i have a grazing problem

my mom planted the ginger root. we have no ginger.

anyone have any tips on cooking with no fats (butter/oil)?

i miss socks

Actually loving the way starving feels right now I better not fuck this up

my period won’t stop :(

i’ve barely lost almost 20 lbs and already it’s making such a huge difference. i’m kind of fully relapsed at this point, there’s just i few things i’m really nervous of. my goal is to get back into a normal bmi by the end of the summer (170-180) and i’m on track to do that as long as my metabolism holds steady. BUT. i am going on vacation with my father who is a BIG eater and i’m nervous about that. i cannot get back into a pattern of regular eating now that i’m actually losing weight. we will be doing a lot of exercise, which is good, and it’s only 5 days, which is also good. and then i have a small break in between to recoup, then a whole week vacation with my mom and sister. this will also be a lot of hiking and exercise, but my mom is eagle eyed and will clock me if she can visibly see out that i’m restricting (she works all day and i go out at night a lot so it’s been easy to fly under the radar). those are the two big ones. then i just need to hold on until i head up to college and make SURE my parents don’t find out that the dining plan is optional and isn’t included in the number for my dorm this year. which shouldn’t be too hard, because doing prep for college has mostly been me going to webinars and reporting what needs to happen to them. then i will be at college. no dining plan, $500 automatic food card monthly from college (separate from the dining plan) and boom im good to go. additionally, this relapse has been similar to when my ed first presented. the summer before i developed semi orthorexia with occasional binging (binging had been normal for years by then) which snowballed into full on extreme restriction during the school year. this is just a little weight loss and normalization of restriction for my body so i don’t have to go to school extremely overweight, starting from scratch.

watching ed tiktok compilations and the ones geared towards BED being like "you don't need to binge! it's a coping mechanism. the food will still be there tomorrow." while i consider two full meals of 1000 cal a binge

seein g my friends for the first time this summer and it turns out they actually do like me, they weren’t just pretending bc we had to be around each other during the school year bc of theatre <3

my docs never believed me, but i had binge eating tendencies throughout my childhood before i slid into restriction. and i was watching ed tiktoks just now and a memory resurfaced that i DID NOT remember until just now, with this one tiktok triggering it. i was over at a friends in sixth or seventh grade, when i was really gaining weight, for a school project. and they had nutella, which i loved and my parents never got. but they had a big kitchen and i couldn't find and utensils so i DUG INTO IT WITH MY FINGERS. and did that multiple times, eating like half the jar. and i feel so so guilty about that. and right now, as im typing this, another memory is coming up. i went to this technical theatre camp right out of IOP and they had boxes of nutrigrain bars in a room for snack every day. and one day i went in there, despite there being a camera (bc they had a lot of expensive equipment everywhere) and at like 2 boxes of them. and i was paranoid and couldn't enjoy the rest of the two weeks of camp because i was sure they saw me take them and shovel them into my mouth on the cameras. and i felt so guilty of stealing them. these memories are so fucking embarrassing.

my dad invited me to a free concert and im debating whether or not to go.

pros: they have food trucks and i might be able to get something low calorie? i actually really want to go to this, i like the music. i really want to spend the evening with him and his girlfriend.

cons: i did a 17 hour workday yesterday and really do not want to go out to a Place. food truck food might be really really unhealthy and greasy and i could make something real low calorie at home with a lot more control. its going to be over 90 degrees, 47% humidity, i can't wear short sleeves.

lowfat string cheese my beloved <3

fasting tmrw and thursday? mmmmmnm……..

I VOTED

oh my god i’m doing election work and there are donuts in the break room. the urge to have five donuts rn