So I’ve decided this is where I will keep track of..well.. everything. My journey to fixing myself along with my marriage, weight loss, getting to where I want to be in life. EVERYTHING.

Over the course of my 3 year solo life I worked on getting back to being me. Maybe not as well as I should have but I did. I wanted to be better for the person I ended up exclusively dating and possibly be serious with. I thought I was in a better place to start doing so after only 3 years of rebuilding myself. I wasn’t the finish product but I was better than where I was.

Fast forward to meeting my now husband.

Things were great I met someone who was the opposite of everything I was use to. He is kind, strong but gentle, communicates, isn’t quick to anger, doesn’t yell, criticize, belittle or abuse me. We went on to have a son together got married and now a year and a half later close to separating. So where did it go wrong. Simple, me. See, after having our son it got hard to lose the baby weight, none of the clothes I had fit, we had to move into his parents house, I fell into a bad spiral with postpartum depression, things just weren’t going how I thought they would. My husband was the only one working I started getting jealous that he got to go out even if it was to work. Then I started getting jealous that he had money all the time and I had to ask to even get diapers for our son. I started to feel like I had to depend on him for everything and my whole 3 years of single living I told myself I would never be the girl who had to depend on a man. I went back on everything I tried to instill in myself.

Fast forward to the now - moved out and on our own. Though the jealousy never went away it turned from him to other girls. My self-esteem got so bad from not working out, being a stay at home mom, not having the will to get myself dressed and prettied up for my husband any more. I started to feel like he could do better than me. Anytime we were to go out any time another girl looks, talks, or even touches him I felt this horrible sting of jealousy. Like he’ll find them more attractive and want to be with them. Even though it wasn’t true. The jealousy monster would be their telling me they’ve been talking, they planned to meet up here, he’s showing you he’s done with you. When none of it was true. He spent the better half of a year reassuring me he loves me and wants to be with me, we have a child together my other two children adore and idolize him, we have a life and a family together. This started the accusing. MY feelings of inadequacy and being insecure lead to this whole scenario of him having someone else or already moving on with someone and doesn’t know how to leave us. Again. None of it was true. This all lead to the “so who is she?” “Where have you been you usually get home around such-and-such time” “why are you doing this/that?” “Who are you texting” it it getting to be too much. Even for me. It turned into full blown anxiety filled days.

It wasn’t until recently that I finally knew how bad things really were. Splitting up really seemed to be the better option for all involved. And it was because of me. My jealousy driven episodes drove my husband away. And I have no one to blame but myself. How embarrassing is it that his whole family knows the only reason he’s staying is for our kids. I have one last chance to get this right. And to make this work I have to really put in the work to get over my insecurities and truly know and understand that for now he may only be with me for the kids, but hopefully someday he’ll be with me because he wants the kids and me. It’s not an overnight solution. Day by day I have to get over that he may have married me but that doesn’t make the other women of the world disappear. I just have to trust that even through this rough season he’ll stick with me and we’ll see it through together. Or at least be the support needed to get through it.

“One day you will heal in such a way that you’d be so glad you chose to stay. Every morning you’ll wake up with the feeling that something good is about to happen to you each and every day. The light coming from the sun won’t be too bright for your once too tired eyes, and the taste of your coffee will remind you that you’re kind of like magic. You’ll learn how to appreciate the simple things in life, like dancing in the kitchen, singing along to a happy song, and loving all the people who inspire you to be strong. You’ll smile at all your mistakes and failures in the past and forgive yourself for the choices you made, especially the ones that are wrong. One day you will heal in such a way that you’d be so glad you chose to stay. Because things will feel simpler and the problems you’ll be facing will be much gentler from all the pain you experienced that made you stronger. You’ll see hope in days when the sun refuses to shine, and you’ll feel comfortable in the wisdom that bad days do pass, and all you have to do when you’re stuck in the middle of the storm is to keep breathing and trust that things will eventually get better. You will get better.”

— Juansen Dizon, You Will Get Better

“And she must forgive herself for the mistakes she made trying to find herself or she never truly will.”

— M.C. Carini