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iiipatch-blog · 5 years

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hi, i’m new

my brain is full. almost like a swimming pool, or maybe an ocean. i’m swimming but, truth be told, i’m not very good at it. never have been, really. so, struggling to keep afloat, i seek the nearest thing to grasp onto.

this varies, depending on how i’m feeling.

sometimes, it’s my mum. she’s kinda like my rock, and we’re basically the same person. i’m not sure if that’s because i’m a bit of a push over though, and automatically morph into what makes me comfortable. this can sometimes make things a lot more difficult than it should be.

other times, it’s my boyfriend. i’ve been dating him for over a year, which, is very impressive, considering most things. but, as time goes on i feel myself realising the flaws in our relationship, which scares me, more than i’d like to admit. so, i tend to drift from this flotation device at the moment.

very rarely, it’s a friend. usually they’re extremely slippery and fickle, so i’d often prefer to just float around. i’m fine with that. i’ve never been very good at choosing good friends, and i like my own company.

sometimes, when its nighttime and nothing is around, i like to go searching for something, and this is usually in the form of talking to someone online.

i’ve found a few odd people here and there that feed my need to stay above water. they might tell me i’m pretty, or they love me, or they want to meet me someday. sometimes they live in different countries, or states. sometimes they whisper on calls that they want to kiss me, touch me. it sends tingles through my body, like electric wires. it’s like a drug, feeling wanted like that. and once it fizzles out, i move onto the next.

before i had a boyfriend this was quite frequent, mostly on holidays when i was bored and had no one to talk to. i’d flirt and laugh and talk about nothing and everything. so many people that have such different lives, yet we connected, somehow, randomly, coincidentally, and ended up feeling as though we were so close, our fingertips could touch. it felt like a purpose, and my loneliness was almost like a sickness- and it was cured, briefly.

i lapsed back into this habit recently, something i’m very scared of. i met a boy, 9 hours away from me. meeting him is a possibility. being with him is a possibility. he whispered he loved me, three days after meeting him. i get drunk of his need for me. but, it fizzled, like it always does. and now, we still talk, but he’s tired and doesn’t want to call until 3 in the morning anymore. he doesn’t make me laugh the same way.

i find myself being a leech. i’m sucking at him, draining away his attraction to me. where did it go? he used to send me texts about how jealous he was that i wasn’t with him. he used to say how beautiful i looked. what did i do?

was it because i unfriended him after my boyfriend nearly saw a message? i explained it to him. he seemed understanding.

is it because i can’t stop texting him? that i say goodnight out of spite and anger because i tell him my heads about to explode because of him, because of what he made me feel, and he says nothing back? is it because i say he looks cute but he doesn’t want me to be too forward? he says he likes clingy. it makes him feel wanted. but i’m only like this because of his distance.

i want people that don’t want me. i wonder why they don’t, why they did before, what i did wrong to scare them away.

i need validation. that i’m a good person, good enough to make them happy and feel warm inside because secretly, that’s what i want too.

i need someone that lets me be free. wander through the land of self, love me when i need to return. i feel guilty for that.

i don’t want to look after people anymore. i’ve done that all my life. i’m very tired of being a mother figure, and being referred as one. i only do it so people like me, and even then, i attract the wrong ones.

i never focus on what’s right in front of me. people, opportunities, who i have the possibility of being. i’m so focused on goals that i can’t achieve and pleasing people that cannot be pleased. i focus my energy into those that use me for their own benefit. i feel worthless because of that.

i wish i could fly instead of float

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